Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Well bumble read Mumsnet cos I have matched 😂 I've not heard of Hinge but live in East Bumfuck as an American friend called it decades ago and it's stuck...smalllll town/area!

@Neu I've had my best luck on Bumble as had a few relationships through there. Got a handful of likes on Hinge and always felt extremely uncool on there. Tinder has the numbers but not as amazing quality

@Eesha thanks from last time that's pretty much my experience.

I'm not desperate for a man in my life but it would be nice. I miss male company!

Thanks @Eesha. I do totally get that on paper it’s not ideal, and in fact that when I first started OLD I would have ignored someone completely in that situation. That was when I used Tinder, and didn’t really know what I was looking for, but knew I didn’t want drama AT ALL. I’ve been through the absolute misery of an painful acrimonious separation/divorce and have zero capacity for the drama. However, fast forward a few years - and I’m looking on apps like Feeld but making it clear that although sex is important to me, the main criteria I’m looking for are emotional availability/openness to love (and still zero drama). I suppose for that reason although I’m cautious about his situation, there is no drama, there is friendship and emotional maturity both towards me (in the short time we’ve known each other) and to his ex. In terms of the time I have and his openness to what would work if it continues, he’s made it clear the flexibility is there that he could drive over to see me midweek when I don’t have the DC etc etc. He’s not looking to “see what’s out there”, he’s looking for a meaningful relationship in his words “with my eyes wide open knowing where that could go”.

I don’t want to be naive but at the same time sense a completely different possibility to the limited intimacy on offer before from others in more traditionally enticing set ups post divorce. It feels like something that could work in the short-medium term but probably in the long term would be frustrating if there was a resistance to change. He has not suggested either of them think this is a permanent or even long-term solution but a practical one which benefits the children for now. We’ve agreed much hinges on our next meet where no doubt we’ll talk more about it. Trying to be eyes wide open but emotionally I really really like our gentle, sweet connection which is unlike any previous OLD experiences and makes me feel calm and safe and totally anxiety-free.

Thanks for sharing @WeWantTheFinestWines . How did your partners deal with your living situation..? Were they understanding of it..? I think the fact I’d need to host doesn’t bother me for now (I’m busy, we live over an hour away from each other, and I love my home) but maybe it would over the longer term. I’m not really a jealous type but perhaps the cooperative friendship he has with his ex would start to grate.. I just don’t know.

ibelieveinmirrorballs
really really like our gentle, sweet connectionwhich is unlike any previous OLD experiences and makes me feel calm and safe and totally anxiety-free.

ive seen some similarities in you and I approach this , and I think this sounds very VERY nice and healthy indeed

no one at our age is baggage free
no set up is perfect
try to not think too many months down the line and what might happen or might not
and as we know life and things change fast

practice mindfulness with this Nice iron I say !

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I think the gentleness and lack of anxiety is a huge thing. I have that at present. Maybe just enjoy things and reevaluate in a few months. I think I'd need to know there are plans in place at some point.

Mila14

if your not feeling it , your not feeling it !
you can’t force chemistry 🧪

i had a really nice local date when I was on a break with Balkan
lovely guy , nice , funny , values fit
bit I totally didn’t fancy him
I even had a second date , kissed him
same

i think attraction and chemistry is the one area where we cant force it
we can make the right decisions abiut how to act on it however

So good to hear if the healthy connections @Eesha @ibelieveinmirrorballs !! It’s just lovely to have a kind male presence about isn’t it? I’m lucky to have that in close male friends, but not the magic special one… yet! 😇

@ibelieveinmirrorballs how was your partay??? X

Thanks to whoever it was that said hinge wasn't just for youngsters - I've never tried it but joined last night and it seems to he where all the good looking men have been lurking 😆 now that doesn't mean that they'll be interested in me but at least I've liked a few 😁 have had a few likes and currently matched with 3 and chatted with 1 last night. Will see how it goes on there

@iibelieveinmirrorballs my partners were not bothered about my situation as I so obviously wanted to get out of it and we had many discussions about how I would achieve it - one of them even came with me to see a solicitor. They were both secure in themselves and happy to host so it was mostly an issue on a practical level, because my children expected me to be around all the time and I didn't want to tell them what I was up to - although I did when one rs became more serious so they knew I went off to see my bf. So there were so obviously no grounds for jealousy. In your situation I think communication is going to be very important. Does his ex know he's dating? Is his ex dating? What do the DC know? Are they pretending to them they're still together? What's the plan? I think you said that financially they can live apart - in that situation I don't understand why you wouldn't want to, but I respect couples who put DC first. I would keep seeing him but he has to be open to having these discussions with you if you get serious.

@Mila14 I have to agree with @Thisisworsethananticpated that you can't force chemistry. I have tried. If you could make it happen I'd be with lovely Mr Favourite Place. Or chatty Mr Arty. Or many others who were good catches but I just wasn't feeling it. I'm due to meet Mr Lawyer next week. Great on paper, every chance I won't fancy him.

Thanks.. to answer your questions no the kids know they’re separating, they are both dating and talk openly about that with each other and both want the other to be happy. They apparently had a long period of working through the issues with a counsellor and both feel as though they are friends and nothing more. They have separate days where they’re responsible for the kids and holiday separately (mostly) with them, although still did certain events etc “as a family”. Although I think they could afford to live separately it would mean massive upheaval for the children including possibly schools.

• Typo - separated not separating.. they separated last year.

It was brilliant Shay thank you..! Exhausting though - I was sober and people stayed till about 1am which is about three hours past my usual bedtime 😬😵‍💫 Much merriment and dancing and lounging about on my daybed in the newly built snug - loved it 😝 Only early drawback being my ill-advisedly seeking fashion advice from my DC “be honest - do I look like I’m wearing pyjamas?” just before the first guest arrived. Yes, yes you do was their reply in unison. 🤪

What’s happened post the phone call..? Have you spoken again..?

No, no further conversations. Not much online chat either. Which is actually perfect as I do not want to invest like I did with Mr Arty and then be disappointed. I want to meet Mr Lawyer to get a feel for him in person and I know we'll have plenty to chat about, but if I don't fancy him I won't really mind as I'm not at all invested.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs it actually sounds like they're really putting the children first and also very clear that they're both free agents. No toxic ex situation, which I think would be worse.

said hinge wasn't just for youngsters - I've never tried it but joined last night and it seems to he where all the good looking men have been lurking

no wonder Hinge refused my application, no old & ugly barstools allowed 😂

That sounded so wonderful, bet you feel shattered now though! Ahh I miss the good old days of house parties!! Glad you had a magical time! And what do kids know about fashion I’m sure you looked chic. 👘💖

I’ve just started trying on there, so they’re clearly ok with short middle aged blokes…

😂, I’m middle aged, grey haired and both long and short sighted at the same time, it’s no wonder the women are hardly queuing up the date me…, I’m about as attractive as anthrax

Question for the ladies, how would you like your partner to raise the issue of snoring (yours )

I hope you don't mind me dropping in and out, I'm going to try and catch up with things on the thread now I have a bit more time on my hands.

But I do have an update on me and MrMind after the 'can only be friends for now' saga.

Things are going really well and it's safe to say that we aren't just friends now.
He has been more open than ever recently which I appreciate hugely.
Were able to make shortish term future plans without his head going in to a spin too.

I am under no illusions that this isn't going to be a bumpy ride. Dating someone who is still grieving and putting their life back together is not something I'd recommend and maybe us meeting a year or two down the line would have been better but we didn't we are in the here and now and care deeply about each other and neither of us have had a connection like we do with each other before and we need to give this a chance.

Im going to stick around and try and catch up with everyone's dating experiences!

To advise. If you are approached by or match with an Australian, early 60s (native Italian speaking) man living in Ilford, East London (may indicate he works for UK intelligence or for himself ) please DM me for further information. A serial con man with charges here and the UK. Do not be taken in and get in touch. He is very persuasive.