Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Eesha
yes that’s a messy set of circumstances
get that ex wife On Tinder asap !

id be very guarded too in this set of circs
its goods he’s communicating
but rather crap for you knowing he’s living with her and this going on

Or has he now moved out ?

Thanks 💕 @Thisisworsethananticpated . Appreciate your post… is it normal to go into a bad mood and just feeling like a failure and feeling really negative.. I feel really flat and have no motivation. I know it will pass I guess I just feel a bit pathetic. Like a kid who’s had its lollypop taken away!!

ButterflyOfShay
yes 🙌 sadly
so this is just my thinking …
but if something was making you happy and hopeful and then goes away….
its totally natural to be sad 😞

i know you never had anything but that’s really not the point here
it was giving you something positive that’s now gone
I know you don’t want to go back to therapy (im the same !) but writing a diary and notes helped me and still does

for example we have some (very ) fraught family stuff going on , and thanks to journaling I was able to realise all the negative feelings that my wider family give me . Sounds weird but being able to realise it and name it , helped

what was this crush giving you ? That you now mourn
why do you feel like a failure ?
what judgement are you making about yourself ?

get it out on paper xx
snd that’s my pop psych for Friday

Only concern is his wife left him for a married man and she was fine with him/idea of Mr Blue dating at that time but that man has now decided to go back to his wife. Cue Mrs Blue being distraught and now being difficult and saying she's made a huge mistake etc. She misses how he was ie he was nice/stable and the family dynamic and had suggested an open marriage before when she had the affair. It's messier than I would like. I'm not worried about them getting back together, I just think it was much better when she was happier. I'm not too invested yet as a result. The affair had been going on a year but Mr Blue only decided to start online dating in Feb as they were trying to make things work so even that feels very soon to be looking so a bit cautious that this is all very raw.

that pretty messy, sounds like she wants the excitement of an affair, but with the stability of someone reliable at home, if I was in Mr Blue shoes I would not have her back, but would look to date other, start a new life etc.

Thanks so much 💗💗💗💗
think I actually find posting here better than therapy!!! 🤍

Ive screen shotted your post @Thisisworsethananticpated xx gonna really think about this today

in the meantime ive decided to focus on something completely different.. im going to build a pond 💙 !! A fun new project and I know this will really help me

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I think you've hit the nail there, excitement of an affair vs stable partner at home. I'm not too invested yet purely because of this really. He's lovely but its a bit messy and I'm not sure I want that but am seeing how it goes. He's very keen on us though.

i have a pond ! It’s an old paddling pool but I’ve surrounded with plants and thanks to plants and nature it’s got frogs and tadpoles

i agree- that the wisdom here has helped me both with dating and with understanding my autistic son

go build it baby !
and look after yourself

@Eesha … the fact he’s bought his flat and moving in to me is a really good indicator he’s moving on. Also he has holidays plans with you and I really think this is key. I know it’s a bit messy but the fact is that he has moved on and she’s had an affair for a year with someone else. I think it’s too late for them to stay married and his now settled with you . Probably he’s been slow asresult of the massive stress and having to live with her ex… everything is now falling in place
one more thing… I would not wait to DTD on holidays… I would need to know we are compatible on that front before going away

@Thisisworsethananticpated and @ButterflyOfShay … I find it really helpful to post here and get your feed back. After all, we are more or less in this journey together
Enjoy weekend

Hi @Mila14, I guess I'm glad taking things slowly. He could easily come to mine but I'm avoiding that a bit, firstly because I don't want to get into that loop of just going to each others place. I quite enjoy the dating and he's happy going slowly.

The main reason Im wanting to build a pond is that a frog lives in my garden and i LOVE him 😂 the therapist said she wanted me to get more involved in helping animals as they make me happy!! .. so Im hoping if i build a pond the froggy will live happily ever after here with me 🐸💚!!

I just like this thread as no one is after anything.. i found with the therapist she was always drained presumably after listening to everyone’s shyte all day, we were very different (she was posh, lol) and its hard to talk about things that may have happened a while ago there and then. On this thread you can shoot your shit and get instant words of wisdom and support and no one here’s asking for £100 an hour for that!!!
i appreciate this thread ❤️❤️
feel 100x better than yesterday too

@ButterflyOfShay glad you're feeling better and hope fog likes the new pond. I like to encourage birds to the garden so am always making sure my feeders are full. Luckily I have a lazy cat that barely bats an eye at birds let alone tries to catch them 😆

I'm feeling a little flat and not sure whether to just shut my old profiles down again as I'm just not seeing anyone on there that I want to swipe on - not sure if I'm being mega picky or whether the standard on the apps has just dropped 😅 not heard any further from Mr local so going to shut that down in my head and move on from that - not surprised given it wad 2 years between "seeing" each other again anyway 😆

Slothmomma

just have a profile freeze and a break

you’ll come back into it again x

did I see you saw local shag on the app ?
that’s never nice to see

ButterflyOfShay

I’ve had so many therapist and I’m done with it too
the problem is it’s very hard to find one you click with , that gets you and that you can work with
my best friend is a therapist so I have her in addition to this thread

and frankly getting my son to his sessions exhausts me

ive had 3 therapists since me and ex split and I’m done ✔️

ill stick with my SSRI and journaling

@Thisisworsethananticpated no not Mr local but Mr Mason who was last guy I saw for 7 months. I didn't mind seeing him on there - nice to see him moving on - however it did make me laugh given his protestations when together that we were his last shot and he'd never bother with apps again if we finished 😆

@Slothmomma …I think there’s nothing wrong with being picky. And I think it’s ok to stop looking when you don’t feel like. I just go incognito and disappear.
@Thisisworsethananticpated … I think it’s good head space for you to be off apps. Give Balkan and yourself a bit of a chance. It’s so unbelievably difficult to find someone you want to spend your time and have sex with passionately. Time makes thing easier with ex husbands and ex wives ! He will settle his head

By the way… my date this evening has huge hands 😂😂😂. I like men with very big hands

I hate seeing exs on the apps @Slothmomma it’s never a nice feeling!

It’s quite draining finding out you don’t hugely click isn’t it.. though I guess something has been gained by offloading some issues! I don’t regret trying and it did help but I think there’s only so much they can do when you’ve already come a loooong way on your own. X

Just a quick update. Had a fantastic time away in Manchester with DD. He called after work on day we got home and we spent next evening and night together. Then he was off Tuesday and stayed over and went to work from mine. We seem to be back on track. My kids are both away tomorrow so we are spending the day together and we are going to one of his work colleagues wedding in 3 wks time. Trying my best to go with this and enjoy and not overthink as i normally do. Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Mila14
im not on the apps ! I came off a few month ago 😁
good luck with big hands !

That’s a lovely update @LuckyLinda3 I am glad to hear that things seem to be back on track. I have to remind myself too when there are bumps in the road with my DP, it’s perfectly normal and unsurprising when you both have commitments, busy lives and don’t live together. He is putting in the effort to see you and going to a wedding as a couple will be a lovely day.