Yelling before I go to work..

[Moomoola]

Hello. I’ve been a sahm for years. Partly illness his and mine, partly lost confidence, partly not knowing which direction partly depression, partly Dh doesn’t seem to get that a good career years ago doesn’t seem to count for anything.
Anyway, whatever reason I have finally got a very part time job. I had to dig my heels in to take it and explain to Dh that it’s better on my cv than nothing and might lead somewhere. Dh waits till now, when I’m supposed to be getting ready to go to work, to get cross that I need a plan and what am I going to do and it’s not good enough. I KNOW. but it’s a start.
Trouble is I am now all shaken and upset instead of calmly getting ready for this new role - that I’m having to figure out as I go. He did this last week too. I asked him not to go on as I was getting ready and he said we’ll do it at the weekend too. He’s decided I should be a teacher, yet when I said this years ago, he didn’t think it was good enough. He just said that was because at the time I’d said I’d get a good job in my previous role. Erm..don’t think so. Anyway We will have to sell the house as we can’t afford to send the kids to uni. Unless I get a proper job, and he is fed up with the financial burden being on him. All fair enough. Sorry, just venting. I don’t know why I haven’t actually got a job. I apply for loads.
now got to be all happy and confident and I feel like crap.
sorry, don’t know why it’s all so rubbish.

He's trying to sabotage you working - why do you think that is?

Leave him. The DC can get student loans, or a bursary, or can do apprenticeships, or do something different

He sounds abusive.

He is gas lighting you about the past isn't he?

It seems like he wants your dependent on him and "beneath" him so you can be his whipping boy.

I had this. I just stuck to my guns, and my shitty admin job (his words) did turn into something more, which I am doing really well in and is pretty close to dream job now tbh.
I also left him...

Also I can’t visit my mum as I have no money so brother has had to deal with putting her in a home etc. he’s not too pleased with me either.
I can understand dhs frustration, just not his timing.

You're right, having this part time role on your CV will be better than having nothing at all. Once you get used to what you're doing your confidence will hopefully grow again and it should lead to you getting better roles later on. Your husband should be supporting your gradual return to work, not trying to wreck your first day. I know it will be difficult, but try to not engage with him if he's yelling at you. Just calmly say "let's talk about this later" and walk away from him.

Doesn't sound like you work as a team?

Sounds like he's trying to sabotage you to me too. He does it right before you go to work, deliberately to upset you.

Out of interest, was he even pleased when you started looking for work? Or when you got the job? Im guessing not. Because he oribqbly wants you stuck at home running around after his needs. But now you've found something that'll give you some freedom, he wants to drag you down. To make it seem like you're not 'good enough'.

Seriously op, sod him. He isn't a nice person and he doesn't have your back. Time to drop his ass.

Sell the house, take your share and go rent near your mum. Get rid of the asshole husband.

Well done on the new job BTW! Congrats!

The timing is all to do with you working because he doesn't want you to work. Like a pp said - why do you think he's trying to sabotage your job?

I’m so sorry OP, sounds like your H is being extremely unreasonable and undermining. Of the face of it, it does sound like he’s using abuse tactics I’m afraid. Only you know the full story on that, I would recommend reading “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft, it’s good at outlining these tactics and how you might deal with them in the short term and then you can consider what you will do for the long term. I imagine you are thinking because of employability considerations etc leaving immediately might not be on the cards.

Congratulations on getting the job, it’s a big step and I’m sure it’s daunting but it sounds like despite his attempts at sabotage it’s a good development.

If we put his terrible behaviour aside, can I check if he’s right that you “should” be able to get a better job? You mention previously having a good career. I say this because in my experience it is quite a common mistake women make- they go for roles they are very over-qualified for and often struggle to secure them, because paradoxically it can make them look suspicious as a candidate. In the short-term a very part time job of any type is a good way to get your feet wet, but if you have qualifications, skills and even (very old) experience beyond this you do owe it to yourself to make sure you exploit these to the full. People think by aiming low they increase chances of employment or that it will be less pressure, unfortunately it doesn’t work that way imho. It’s tough at the bottom, and low level jobs can sometimes shake your confidence, some of the objectively hardest jobs I’ve had have been the “lowest ranking” and lowest paid.
What sort of career level were you at before? do you have any qualifications? Experience is important but it’s not the whole picture, there are many parts of the job market that are starving for capable, professional people who might be a bit rusty.

Also, I think student loans are probably the best way to go for your children, it’s tough I know but if you are in a better position to help in a few years you can always pitch in then. Follow airplane rules- put your own mask on first.

I think he should shut his pie hole. He isn't exactly rolling in the dough if you can't afford to visit relatives.

Eh?! You can’t visit your mum because you have no money?? What about the family money - surely you share income?? This all sounds incredibly abusive and financially controlling.

And it’s complete nonsense that your dc can’t go to university if you don’t get a different job. They will get loans / grants and have to manage like everyone else - they’ll have to get a job themselves to support themselves if they really want to go! He’s just blackmailing you.

Thanks guys.sorry not to reply individually I really appreciate hearing friendly voices!
I got home to find out I had a parking fine, too long parking in tescos while I worked and then shopped!
he’s furious, said it’s £70 and there will be one for every week I’ve worked.
when I looked it’s 30, still not great, and it’s the only one.he asks how much is petrol, I’m supposed to be working to earn money, and no, I’m not paying it am I, he is. (because I do nothing.) Some of this in front of son. I mentioned the time he’d repeatedly got fines repeatedly doing something daft but that was ok, obviously, because it was just a week while he was driving to his job.
he wants to talk, ie yell at me some more, so I have come away.
it sounds to me like you guys may have a point - he mentioned again it’s a stupid job, and funny the only job I can find is one that I enjoy.
I know the fine was wrong, but I now feel upset, utterly stupid, and as if I’ve overstepped the mark. Questioning the point of the job - I’m not finding it easy anyway.
Thanks everyone. ofcourseandyouk owit I have made interviews for a few proper jobs but seem to come a cropper on my ancient age/digital experience. I’m looking for volunteer work, and thought I’d get a few LinkedIn, Google, Microsoft type certificates.
well done mkjchaelandeagle good old shitty admin job!
I don’t know why he would sabotage me or even if he knows he is. We need more income. I need more income!

Also..and this sounds petty, he didn’t want whatever I was cooking last night, but said he wanted curry, so I drove 20 minutes each way to get a supermarket ready curry thing, cos it was easier.. There was loads of stuff in the house!It seems when I work really hard on the house and it’s all ordered and clean, is when he gets grumpy. He’s the one that nags me to get a proper 37 hour week job. Not part time. So why would he sabotage it? Off to look at job sites!

He sounds abusive and controlling. If things are so tight where is the logic in refusing dinner and you making a special trip in the car for a ready meal?

He is emotionally and financially abusive. There is a book often recommended on here to explain his behaviour. I’m sure someone else can help point it out. He isn’t going to become less abusive, he will get worse.

My god @Moomoola ! You deserve a medal for being able to put up with that nonsense. He is way out of line and I’m afraid he does sound abusive. No one deserves that treatment. Can’t remember if I recommended it already (I’ve recommended it so many times) but the book Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft is a good resource on identifying and managing different types of abusive men. He has a blog too lundybancroft.com/ you might find some of the articles and podcasts on it useful.

For what it’s worth the digital skills issue may feel bit overwhelming at first but it’s an easy fix if you do a few courses, a lot of these programs are fairly user friendly really. LinkedIn courses on this are a great way to go. I would also recommend Coursera.org, you can do lots of courses on different topics from top universities around the world for free, If you want an official certificate you can get a fee waiver for special circumstances (it sounds like you would meet the criteria for this). I’ve done these and employers have found them impressive even when they are short courses, a certificate from Yale University never looks bad anyway (in my experience).

He is sabotaging because he's abusive.

You need to plan exiting this marriage.

Re: the food, don't drive 20 mins to get things like that when you were doing something else. He's treating you like crap and you're letting him. Make his food just like you'd do with a toddler: Make one meal, give it to him, and if he doesn't eat it in an hour or so clear it away and the pantry is shut until the next meal time. That's assuming whatever your caring role is is the reason you're running around after him.
If he's capable of making his own food you should just stop and cook for yourself. He's being a twat. Twats don't get served.
Hope your new job went well and that you can find somewhere to park where you won't be in trouble. This job is a stepping stone to independence. Don't let him cheat you out of it again.

Thank you. I think the food thing was some sort of punishment. He did it again last night. Grrr! Will write a response to say thank you later. Atm, I keep writing long rants!

Don’t go off driving for food, just cook something that’s in the house.

He is being a knob about all this-is it out of character? What’s he like normally?

What’s the part time job-how many hours/good money? I can understand him not wanting to be the main financial earner as that is stressful-does he think you’re going to just stay part time in a low paid job?

Ugh he is an abusive arsehole! He is sabotaging you, being verbally and financially abusive, gas lighting you, and yes punishing you with the food stuff. I would seriously, seriously start planning to leave him. This is no way to live. He's ground you down so that you probably think he's right and you're wrong, you are not. He is abusing you, he won't listen to reason, he's angry that you're working now, but can't admit that to himself, so is lashing out. Leave if you can, if not right now, start getting a plan together

He berates you for not having a job, and when you take away that option he berates you for something else.

You're his whipping boy OP, and he's an abusive arsehole.

Stick with the job, it will lead to better things for you in more ways than one.

OP you've posted about this recently 1 I recognise the teacher bit - and people agreed then that he is abusive. It's not going to change or get better. There is no "if I can just get a job he'll be happy" or "if I'm on top of the house he'll appreciate me". He will never value you or treat you well. You need to leave