Yelling before I go to work..

[Moomoola]

Hello. I’ve been a sahm for years. Partly illness his and mine, partly lost confidence, partly not knowing which direction partly depression, partly Dh doesn’t seem to get that a good career years ago doesn’t seem to count for anything.
Anyway, whatever reason I have finally got a very part time job. I had to dig my heels in to take it and explain to Dh that it’s better on my cv than nothing and might lead somewhere. Dh waits till now, when I’m supposed to be getting ready to go to work, to get cross that I need a plan and what am I going to do and it’s not good enough. I KNOW. but it’s a start.
Trouble is I am now all shaken and upset instead of calmly getting ready for this new role - that I’m having to figure out as I go. He did this last week too. I asked him not to go on as I was getting ready and he said we’ll do it at the weekend too. He’s decided I should be a teacher, yet when I said this years ago, he didn’t think it was good enough. He just said that was because at the time I’d said I’d get a good job in my previous role. Erm..don’t think so. Anyway We will have to sell the house as we can’t afford to send the kids to uni. Unless I get a proper job, and he is fed up with the financial burden being on him. All fair enough. Sorry, just venting. I don’t know why I haven’t actually got a job. I apply for loads.
now got to be all happy and confident and I feel like crap.
sorry, don’t know why it’s all so rubbish.

He’s frustrated because I’m not earning.

You are now though, even if it's just a bit. If you manage to get 12 hours a week at that wage eventually, it'd be equivalent to a lot of people's full time jobs. And you'd probably get universal credit towards housing costs if you left. Of course eventually you might get even more hours.

His supposed frustration doesn't make yelling at you ok of course. And this isn't the only issue he kicks off to some extent about.

Since when does being concerned about money or earnings make it ok for someone to yell at you? Let alone regularly and denigrate your ability and everything else.

He is being abusive.

Thanks everyone. Since this thread I’ve noticed that conversation seems to be a lot of..‘don’t do that’ ‘ don’t fancy that for dinner, what else is there’ I didn’t realise, but it is a constant drip effect.
its good to know it’s not ok to tell me off for hours.
I am beginning to think he’s not Lundy Bancroft nasty, but doesn’t understand women and genuinely thinks I’m here to provide money, sex, housework. And I don’t do any of them very well. He’s barking up the wrong tree!
sorry, puzzling stuff out in public. It doesn’t sound good, but selling house doesn’t sound good either. Bugger. So many red flags when we first met and I was too uneducated to realise.
tff mumsnet!

So he's a through and through misogynist?

You are lesser than him and are a domestic appliance to serve his needs!

Please get yourself a good therapist to guide you through reclaiming your self esteem. One day you will want to leave , I hope it's sooner rather than later because you deserve so much better

On the job front, I suspect the reason you're doubting your instincts so much is because that's what you've been trained to do.

Walking into a £30 per hour role is amazing - please stop denigrating your achievements. At that salary I expect your manager wants you to be pretty self organised and not to require too much management. You know you can do it - please stop listening to your H and the self-doubting voice he has managed to install in your head.

Op he's controlling you . Do the freedom programme ASAP. You now have a job that pays a decent amount an hour that's not to be sniffed at. Well done and keep moving forward and don't leave this job whatever he says. Look at any benefits you might be entitled to then make plans to leave. You have the rest of your life to live . You will be so much happier away from him.
Stop everything you do for him and let him do it himself.

Hello. Sorry, there was a lot to digest and I went into hibernation a bit.
Re jobs, I had a wonderful hour with an interview coach courtesy of an amazing charity She was so encouraging, and pointed out what I have achieved, made me feel right chipper
ive had 2 interviews this week. Dh was interested at how I’d got on, I haven’t told him I didn’t get one job yet. The other interview was part time and looks fab , Id love to do it. I haven’t mentioned it to him because well, part time.

back again as I don’t know what just happened.
I mentioned that it would be nice if Dh could be encouraging to ds. Every time we do something Dh says,‘don’t do that’ we had a big treat to pick strawberries and Dh actually joined us and ds was actually enjoying himself and Dh says…‘don’t pick those’ and everyone seems to shrivel. maybe I’m hyper sensitive, but both kids have commented on it in the past.
I mentionedit tonight, which I shouldn’t have. Dh goes into one. He tells me I’m projecting.He works really hard, he doesn’t need me to tell him how to parent, I’m
not perfect. He doesn’t want to feel he can’t say anything because I’ll pick him up on it. ( I think I’m hyper vigilant as he’s said wierd stuff in the past) Within minutes he’s telling me how crap I am and how I need to get a job and he’s exhausted and If I don’t have a job by this time next week it’s over.in the past I’d have been reduced to tears by now, instead I look at the calendar and say, ’ok, by Thursday next week then, we’re finished unless I get a job.’ He comes back to say, we’re not finished but you need to get a job.I can’t remember what else, but it’s lots of evil looks as if I’m dirt. I ask him to keep his voice down for dd, but he doesn’t.
am I right in thinking it’s ok to be pissed off at me , but I don’t like the evil looks and it’s like he wants to put all his power into those looks. Can’t we just discuss? Can he not keep his voice down? He knows I’m going for interviews and I know he’s frustrated but, well.

I get that he’s tired and stressed, I really do. Of course I need work. Id also like to point out that I do everything else. Weekends are just more facilitating. Why can’t he do anything without involving me to get x or how to do y.Why can’t he cook breakfast for everyone, not just himself?Ironically in the interview they asked about the shop job I had before. I had to fight to go,to that as Dh used to thump things as I left, he was so cross at me doing a crap job. But it might help get this one.I can totally see I was rude to say ‘ can you be encouraging to ds, rather than say ,don’t’. I should have known better. Apparantly I molly coddle ds and ignore dd. Which I can take on board, I don’t need to generically attack him. Why does he need to attack me?
sorry, I know I’m going over the same stuff and am hoping you’ll all say’its this or that’ and it’s all my mistake and I’ll just do x and it will be fine. He does work amazingly hard, I appreciate that. He’s cross because someone younger is on more. I don’t understand why he doesn’t seem to discuss stuff with his boss, but says,’ I’ll tell them when I resign’. Sorry, too ranty. It’s been a long confusing night.

He's awful YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!

Yes as parents you should point out to each other when you are doing your DC a disservice.

He immediately went on the attack to put you in your place, you are too afraid to tell him about the job interviews. The shallow threats of ending the marriage to keep you cowed.

You need to make plans to leave. Please speak to woman's aid he is destroying you and the DC.

Yeah you can keep coming back and telling us how awful he is or you can leave. Stop dicking about.

You are right. And I’m only just getting it. Bugger.

Good luck with the jobs

’ok, by Thursday next week then, we’re finished unless I get a job.’

You're finding your voice and your strength, OP, well done! Get that job, and get your ducks in a row.

@Joyfultoes don't be a dick. When OP started this thread she had no idea he was abusive. Two weeks later, her eyes are opening. Do you really think it's easy to just up and leave someone, with your kids, on the say so of a bunch of internet strangers to boot?

Thanks randommess that is a very useful and clear explanation of what the behaviour is without all my emotions and details.
thanks v much for the encouragement weenurse and bigcheese . joyfultoes yes, in a perfect world I would have left ages ago. It is like looking at an onion, and layers are revealed..and then they vanish again in a mist.
I am finding my strength enough to say respectfully that your comment is actually pretty hurtful and not helpful at this juncture. I feel boring and stupid enough without this. Just please don’t read the thread!
im sensitive because I got the grunt and the angry stomping off to work this morning. The waves of resentment were sloshing around the floor! Now I’m going to be wondering what mood he’ll be in tonight.Can’t help that, I’m off to MY JOB!!!!😀fingers crossed I’m doing ok.😳

It's all about control op, his control over you.

When you didn't react and cry as normal to the relationship ending threats, in-fact you took his power away by agreeing to it (the calendar discussion), he back track immediately and goes back on the offensive with the dirty looks. He doesn't want you to leave, he wants absolute power over you, so you cower in the corner and agree to his every whim.

I bet you anything, if you got a 'super duper job, out earning him and full time, he'd find something else to batter you down with, such as 'you're never at home with the dc' 'the house is a tip because you can't keep up with the housework' 'you're a shit mum by working full time'

It's not about your job, it's about him having power/control over you

Oh op big hugs
He's awful
I think maybe you should talk to womens aid and find a counsellor for yourself

Also maybe read "Living with the dominator"

www.alumah.co.uk/blog/the-headworker-a-characteristic-of-the-dominator

You're absolutely living with a dominator. His primary need is to tear you down. He will do that no matter what you try - everything will be a reason to attack and keep you in your place.

You say your DC are starting to notice - now is the time to get the hell out and make a life without him in it. Yes, he will have contact, but no way will he do 50/50 so they will have more time without him than they do now. And you will all blossom.

Apart from the rest of points (which are all valid)
this is a common pattern of behaviour and you really need to rise above it for today.
it is so hard and exhausting but make yourself leave all the self doubt at the door, know that this is his problem and not yours.
They hired because they wanted you there.
Of course it’s a good idea to start somewhere and work your way up.
You’re being a great role model by sticking to your guns and going for what you want.
Have a ‘work you’ at work and show them what you’ve got. There you will get your self worth and appreciation you need. Cancel all the negative noise.
you can do this!!

God he really sounds horrible OP. Keep going from strength to strength.

OP his shitty behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

You say Dh used to thump things as I left, he was so cross at me doing a crap job. You mean he was actually violent and would get so angry (rather than just 'cross') that he would actually hit things - and I’m assuming (hoping) that’s just inanimate things, not people, but even so?

I think it’s time to reconsider that he isn’t bad enough to fit the Lundy Bancroft types. By your own description he’s an angry, violent man. He sounds deeply unpleasant.

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Thank you. I am pleased to report that the boss is pleased, hurrah! There may be more hours in a few months. Double hurrah!
I am so confused though. I feel I am putting across a biased view. He’s not that bad, and though there are some parallels to the link above ( thank you) it’s nothing like that description.He was once in the car about to go out to work, with the window down as I left for work and he thumped the top of the door where the window was wonund down. He wasn’t charging about . He just wants me to have a proper job and share the financial burden. I just lost confidence and direction I guess. Well I think he has been maybe a bit controlling. I feel a bit crap moaning on here while he has a long commute tbh. Which is confusing !
maybe I should find a counsellor.

Oh gosh now I’m defending him, classic! Putting the kettle on. Thank you all so much. So nice to hear friendly voices as it were.

He is, ‘Lundy Bancroft nasty’ and you’re being abused.

Do find a counsellor. You need an outside voice to tell you just how bad he really is. Normal people do not just thump on things to make their point! And you are working, you are building up a new career and he (and you) need to be realistic about how much time and input that will take.

This is sabotage plain and simple. He feels threatened by you working. Is he controlling in other ways?