Yelling before I go to work..

[Moomoola]

Hello. I’ve been a sahm for years. Partly illness his and mine, partly lost confidence, partly not knowing which direction partly depression, partly Dh doesn’t seem to get that a good career years ago doesn’t seem to count for anything.
Anyway, whatever reason I have finally got a very part time job. I had to dig my heels in to take it and explain to Dh that it’s better on my cv than nothing and might lead somewhere. Dh waits till now, when I’m supposed to be getting ready to go to work, to get cross that I need a plan and what am I going to do and it’s not good enough. I KNOW. but it’s a start.
Trouble is I am now all shaken and upset instead of calmly getting ready for this new role - that I’m having to figure out as I go. He did this last week too. I asked him not to go on as I was getting ready and he said we’ll do it at the weekend too. He’s decided I should be a teacher, yet when I said this years ago, he didn’t think it was good enough. He just said that was because at the time I’d said I’d get a good job in my previous role. Erm..don’t think so. Anyway We will have to sell the house as we can’t afford to send the kids to uni. Unless I get a proper job, and he is fed up with the financial burden being on him. All fair enough. Sorry, just venting. I don’t know why I haven’t actually got a job. I apply for loads.
now got to be all happy and confident and I feel like crap.
sorry, don’t know why it’s all so rubbish.

I think your kids will thank you for getting them out of there, it sounds like the negging is being extended to them and I'm sure they are very aware of how their dad treats you. Please show them that you don't have to tolerate this kind of relationship.

Forgive me if I'm being a bit cynical here.. it is a habit - but I'm sure others will correct me...

He's pushing you to get a job - not any job but a job he demands. A teacher no less. I assume fulm time. Are you qualified for that? If you are and you do get a job will that be the trigger to him leaving - as someone has told him he will no longer have to give up a larger share of the marital assets as you have 'a good job' and can support you and the kids. (Remember that divorce starting point is 50% and often gets skewed in favour of someone who doesn't work / has given up a career to support children) The get a job by Thursday or we're done is a bit telling to me.

My other thought is if you do get this fantastic job, who is going to do all that you do now? He does realise teachers work long hours doesn't he? Does he just assume that you will then still be able to get the kids from school, cover all the holidays etc.

Finally on the money front. When he sends you off on these daft dinner errands who pays? Is he making you use your small salary? Attempting to make you spend your days pay on him? Do you have access to money to do what you want/ need? The holiday money scenario rang alarm bells to me that he likes to keep you without access to funds.

You need to get out for you kids sake as well as yours. Look at your son. He is terrified to get new clothes because of his father and his reaction....

Thanks, sorry I keep checking this thread!
no I think he assumes everything will magically get done.
no I’m not qualified I need a maths o level and a years training.
alarm bells! We have one account and I tried to keep my business account seperate. We got pizza and a) he couldn’t oredr it as he was busy/whatever. B) he realised he could pay with pay pal! Linked to my business account! C) it was on the joint account, not mine. D) he got ve cross and told me to get a job all the way to our mates house.
When I had some small payments, he decided we needed a house thing that is totally unnecessary. it had to be a £300 he spotted in tik max. It’s not appropriate for where it is and I mean, £300? It felt like he had to get some of the money? I mean that’s fair enough, but. I’d hoped to put it into the business.
I’ve just read the, ‘ I don’t want to work thread’ feeling even more confused. He says I’m a leech. I can probably organise my time better. And not play on mn!

I’ve just read the, ‘ I don’t want to work thread’ feeling even more confused. He says I’m a leech. I can probably organise my time better. And not play on mn!

That's his voice again, not yours. You are working and building up to more and better work. You've just realised he is financially abusing you. You must, must, must contact Women's Aid tomorrow, you need help to get this man out of your head and out of your life.

I've read that thread too and it's a completely different situation.

Don't tell him when you get money into the business and then he can't spend it.
Unlink the Paypal account or just open a new business account.

How about you open another account , maybe at another bank, and transfer any money you make into that? It can be the start of your escape fund. Even better would be to organise your time really well - speak to a solicitor and start a divorce.

Sounds like my ex. He has been driving around in my car for a fortnight before I went back to work I didn’t have much need for it at the time so hadn’t used it in this time. The morning I went back to work I had booked my car in for a service so asked him to run me in and take it to the garage. Well the steering on it- it had completely gone and whilst you could steer it fine the noise was ridiculous. I asked him about this- he just claimed he hadn’t noticed/ then he had and didn’t think it was anything important so didn’t mention.

Needless to say, it didn’t go for a service but had its entire steering column replaced that day instead.

Anyway, this was my first day back after maternity leave. I was gifted being screamed at and him driving off at 100mph after dropping me off at work.

Other lifts to work (in my car) included deciding the tyres desperately needed pumping up with 20 minutes to get to work. (They didn’t). Then getting the arse with me when I dared to complain.

God knows- but all I want to say is this sounds very familiar. There is a reason mine is an ex.

The screaming and stupid driving was due to me questioning (calmly) why he hadn’t thought to tell me by the way. Wasn’t too clear!

He’s an abusive bully and the reason you “don’t know why it’s all so rubbish” is that he’s worn away your self-esteem and confidence so much that you can’t see what he’s done to you.

He is an absolute bullying shit of a man! You're doing so well, I know it must be so hard living with this, and figuring out a way out of the situation. Please please do tho! He's abusive, nasty and you do not need him in your life. Your poor kids, having to see this, please leave so they don't grow up learning this is normal and repeat these patterns for themselves ❤️

You are awesome and you will get free of this man, and it will feel like a lead weight has been lifted.

@Moomoola one clear sign that you are in an abusive relationship is that nothing seems to improve his behaviour, so standing up to him or placating him doesn’t tend to work either way. Standing up to him might even make the abuse worse and more vindictive.

You seem to be in an abusive relationship, you will tell us on this thread about all the terrible things he does and we will agree that they are outrageous and wrong and unfair, and if that’s helpful in the short term- great. But with men like this it’s a bit like being outraged that a scam artist keeps scamming you even when you are nice to them or when you point out they are being unfair/dishonest. He’s “scamming” you, you don’t have the same goals, he wants your “resources” for free- and you want him to act like a half decent person. He doesn’t care that you don’t think he’s good or decent, he’s getting what he wants out of this one way or another.

So I recommend you call women’s aid if you haven’t already, get some expert advice, start to make an escape plan and just try to disengage from the game he’s playing. You are not crazy, but you will not win, it’s his game, his rules, and you don’t even want the prize on offer even if you could win it. Check out the parts of Lundy Bancroft’s book that talk about how to deal with a man like this if you have to stay, that advice will hopefully help you keep your sanity.

"When I had some small payments, he decided we needed a house thing that is totally unnecessary. it had to be a £300 he spotted in tik max. It’s not appropriate for where it is and I mean, £300? It felt like he had to get some of the money? I mean that’s fair enough, but. I’d hoped to put it into the business."

What do you mean 'you'd hoped to put it into the business'? If you run the business, then you decide what money comes out of it, and when you can afford to pay yourself something. That money was in the business, and should never have come out. The business accounts should be totally separate from your personal accounts, and money only comes out when you decide that the business can afford it.

Thank you everyone. Sorry not to reply sooner. I wrote and it seems to have gone.
Goodness Darjeeling, that sounds awful. Really well done for making him an ex, what a twit. Thank you for sharing, ipthats very useful to know.
Ill get a new bank account and keep it quiet. Good idea. I’ll also sort out my time better, and really focus on the old side hustle.
a pp recommended this books.feedvu.com/the-verbally-abusive-relationship-how-to-recognize-it-and-how-to-respond-pdf.html
so far it’s REALLY useful. She is describing how there are two ways of living - power over where you ‘win’ over the other person or personal power, which is mutual and co creating. A lot like you are describing ofcourseandyouknowitTonight I was able to see it seems he wants power over. ( me) and yes, I’m sure it’s obvious to everyone except me. But I’m getting there.
Thank pointythings that’s really reassuring!
sorry to not realise what’s going on. I feel like I need the really noddy explanation over and over again. I can see some of his behaviour but can’t always see that it’s pants.
like today was planning on popping out with ds and dd for another clothes run. Dh wants to come 🙄but insists we go after work 😳then strops about and makes a deal about missing an Amazon delivery so someone has to wait in etc. I offer suggestions, none are accepted, and it all gets stupid until somehow he’s going to the shop just with dd. I just feel massively manipulated and I haven’t a clue how, or even why. He picked dd up from work on sat and leapt out of bed on sun to take her to work, even tho I was all ready. He’d never do that normally. It feels like he’s trying to win dd over?? See what I mean? On the surface I’m mad, of course he should take dd etc. what’s going on?
bear with me please, I’m aware that I’m writing loads and asking the same thing. I probably won’t get chance to talk to wa. We are off to visit his family. Oh my GOD! I’ll just record it, transcribe it, and bobs your uncle a film script. Now who would I get to play me….😀thank you very much everyone

No you're not mad, and is he trying to come between you and DD?

How's things, OP?

Hi stomachcramos thanks for asking!
chugging along here. Holiday improved things but back to usual. He’s very tired, hates work, told me off for something which goes along the lines of,’why did you do x? Why did you do that? It’ll cost a fortune and you don’t care about money’ for quite some time. Consequently I didn’t dare rectify said thing in case I made it worse, even though it’s simple. Been a bit down tbh.
you shouldn’t have asked!😀