Yelling before I go to work..

[Moomoola]

Hello. I’ve been a sahm for years. Partly illness his and mine, partly lost confidence, partly not knowing which direction partly depression, partly Dh doesn’t seem to get that a good career years ago doesn’t seem to count for anything.
Anyway, whatever reason I have finally got a very part time job. I had to dig my heels in to take it and explain to Dh that it’s better on my cv than nothing and might lead somewhere. Dh waits till now, when I’m supposed to be getting ready to go to work, to get cross that I need a plan and what am I going to do and it’s not good enough. I KNOW. but it’s a start.
Trouble is I am now all shaken and upset instead of calmly getting ready for this new role - that I’m having to figure out as I go. He did this last week too. I asked him not to go on as I was getting ready and he said we’ll do it at the weekend too. He’s decided I should be a teacher, yet when I said this years ago, he didn’t think it was good enough. He just said that was because at the time I’d said I’d get a good job in my previous role. Erm..don’t think so. Anyway We will have to sell the house as we can’t afford to send the kids to uni. Unless I get a proper job, and he is fed up with the financial burden being on him. All fair enough. Sorry, just venting. I don’t know why I haven’t actually got a job. I apply for loads.
now got to be all happy and confident and I feel like crap.
sorry, don’t know why it’s all so rubbish.

Hello, thank you.
I just told him I didn’t get the job I interviewed for and the look could have scorched paint.
he’s just come into the kitchen and told me I’m not trying, he said to get a job by this time and I’m not trying hard enough. I’d better get a job. What would happen if he wasn’t earning? ( yes, I do know) Also although I’d bought in wine and thought to make a nice tea, it seems I can’t be bothered to go to the shop that sells decent wine. I went to the local shop because I can’t be bothered.
obv that’s a totally a fair point, and does make me nervous .
I am a bit shaken if I’m honest. I am trying. I’m seeking help from a get back to work charity. I do get just stuck - if I apply to lidl he gets cross, if I apply to proper jobs he gets cross because I don’t get them. The difference today from the interest he showed when I came back from the interview is immense. Obviously he’s come in after a long day and a long drive. I can see from his pov. I’m swanning around ( what do you do all day) posting cos about to run out of charge! Sorry if going on a bit

Erm no it isn't a fair point, it's a made up reason to have a go at you and make you feel shit and put him in charge and you the lowly useless underling to justify his abusive ranting.

He doesn't have a fair point. Working in Aldi is a proper job. You already have a job, which you are doing well and developing. And he is afraid you will realise what a controlling abusive pos he is and leave him.

Please leave him. You cannot imagine how much happier your life will be without him.

Mmm, if you went to the shop with the good wine you would likely be spending too much or taking too much time or using too much petrol I suspect. He will always find fault and pick away at you.

Well done for keeping picking yourself up when someone is constantly putting you down, it's tough to be a job seeker but you will find a good job in the end. He will still be a dick.

Keep calling his bluff about the relationship being over if you don't get a job by X date. Think of a few pithy retorts, your calendar comment was 10/10.

Please stop defending him. No, he doesn't have a fair point. He isn't angry, frustrated or critical because of something you've done or not done, he is angry, frustrated and critical because that is how he WANTS to treat you. He will always find a way of criticising you.

So - don't have a job - criticises you for not earning
Get a job - he criticises you because it isn't enough hours
If you get more hours - it will be the 'wrong' job or you aren't around enough or you aren't being a good mum

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. HE WANTS TO CRITICISE AND DIMINISH YOU. He is intentionally messing with your head, making you feel small and uncertain and reducing your self confidence to mush. He is not a good husband and not a good father. It is damaging you and your DC being with him.

Please stop defening him. None of his actions are reasonable or normal.

A good husband (and wife) is someone who supports you, shows their love, cares, defends, builds you up, makes you fel better about yourself, makes you happy, only wants what's best for you. Does that sounds like him????

Thank you all. I’m afraid I’ve opened the wine. He’s in the living room, I’m cooking and ds upstairs has heard everything.
thank you for your support. I will reply later.

He will find a reason to find fault in absolutely everything you do.

You do you.... you don't need him putting spanner's in the works. You've taken a positive step in the right direction, don't let him f it up for you x

Thanks so much! You could cut ice in the living room. Where he and Dh and I are. I’m not thinking nice things, I’m thinking, he’s fat, he’s lied out on the sofa with his shoes on. he’s scrolling on his phone while supposedly watching Star Wars with ds. It’s uncomfortable and I feel for ds. Not very kind!

He doesn't want you to get a job.

He just says he does and then criticises your efforts or choices, because he wants to punish, belittle and confuse you by putting you in a lose/lose situation.

Get a job and it won't be a good enough one.

Don't get a job and you'll be called lazy, you aren't trying hard enough.

Get a job he initially suggests / approves of and you'll be told you're shit at it, they won't want to keep you.

Whatever job you get he'll sabotage by making you late, making you unable to attend (e.g. promising to cover childcare at the necessary time then saying he can't)...

This isn't about a job. This is about control, disdain and contempt.

This man is not on your side.

Whatever meal you make, whatever job you get, whatever wine you get he will always always make you feel like you've made the wrong choice to confuse you into compliance.

Get a normal bottle and he says it's not good enough, you don't care enough.

If you'd got a pricey bottle he'd say oh you're spending MY money on wine when you haven't got a job etc etc.

You CANNOT win. You CANNOT make him happy. You CANNOT have a healthy, happy relationship with a person like him.

And you cannot provide a healthy, happy home environment to your children under the same roof as him either.

Thanks. Ds scampered off to bed. Think I’ll follow! I’m trying not to believe anyone, but you all have a point.

Please try to remember that the biggest influence on our relationships as adults is the relationships we see modelled to us growing up.

The longer you stay with this man, who bullies and belittles you, the more you risk having to see your children in relationships as adults where they either bully and belittle their own partners or are bullied and belittled by their partners.

That would be heartbreaking and is worth seriously factoring in to your next steps.

Thanks. Thank goodness it’s bed time. Dh ignoring me all eve. I think. We watched stranger things with the kids. I don’t know what I feel.

I do.

He's whittled away at your confidence so now you second guess everything you do.
And when he tells you that you're wrong you agree with him

Then when he kicks off you do all you can to appease him instead of telling him to fuck off.

Maybe. Is that what I’m doing? I know I’m in bed and anxious and telling myself I’m rubbish I cant even find a job.

That's not true. You have found a job at 3x min wage. That is not to be sniffed at.

When this stuff comes in your head, is that your voice or his voice?

I think he has undermined you for so long you don't know what you think any more.

Please please get some psychological support so you can get in touch with you.

@Moomoola Try imagining this scenario.

You: DH, I didn’t get that job I applied for….
Him: Oh no, that’s so disappointing for you. You must be fed up. But don’t get downhearted, sweetheart, there'll be other jobs you can apply for and any day now you're bound to get one
You: But I feel so awful that I'm not succeeding when I go for these interviews
Him: I know, but you're a great person and you'll get there eventually. I’m right behind you. And anyway, you've got the part-time job that pays really well for the moment, haven’t you? Look, I'll make the dinner, you pour yourself a glass of wine and go and watch some TV with DC and we'll all eat together and think up something nice we can do over the weekend.

That's what SHOULD be happening. But it isn’t, is it? He's yelling at you, thumping the car window, moaning that you didn’t get the better wine (FFS), and he's doing all this in front of your DC so they bear the brunt of it too.

He is not a nice man.

My god he is a life-sucking bellend isn't he. I hope you can soon see that he really is abusing you and find a way to get him out of the house. He's constantly belittling you and punishing you. Your children are witnessing it. Sorry OP and wishing you strength.

Thank you everyone. It’s lovely to hear your kind words. I am really questioning loads now. I’m sure I’m not blameless, though..
I think one challenge is that I lose enthusiasm for things.
Charley50 maybe he is a life sucking belle Ed ( I love that!) I know he’s watching films in bed and I took him a coffee and got a distracted grunt.

pilcrow that’s made me cry! It is very useful, thank you. I think I need more examples of ‘ normal’ behaviour. The way you’ve written it, it sounds awful - but it is spread out, I mean the car thing was pre covid. I can see why he’s cross.
Thank you, I really appreciate your views.
adamryan and everyone else, thank you. I am re reading everything. I think you are right, I’ve become a miserable doormat.

Tempted to rant on about ThingsHeDoes/Did. Luckily for you I’ve deleted it! I’m going to do stuff For Me today. Go Me.

I certainly didn’t mean to make you cry, @Moomoola - but just try a thought experiment to show that it really shouldn’t be like this.

Yes, people argue and have rough patches, we’re all human, but the way you describe things, your DH is systematically bringing you down when he should be your biggest support. You say you can see why he’s so cross - but things like getting jobs are out of your control. It’s not something you can just snap your fingers and make happen. And if it’s that easy, why doesn’t he just get a better-paid, less stressful job without such a long commute?!

I’m really sorry it’s so hard.

@Moomoola would you treat to him the way he treats you? Would you just grunt if he brought you coffee in bed? Would you shout and rant just before he goes to work? Would you criticise him in front of the children?
Please make plans to leave, he’s ruining your life - and that of your dc. Would you want your dc to ensure a relationship like this? Because to an extent they already are, seeing their beloved mum shouted at and treated like dirt,
feeling your tension and anxiety, and thus their own.

Thanks he is ramping up as I believe the term is. I plan to take teens to get some summer clothes and have actually persueded ds to come! We are going to h and m in town which I hope will help ds feel good.I heard Dh then asking ds would he rather go to x shops as it’s nearer.
I’ve just got hijacked in the kitchen. He won’t lower his voice or discuss it later. He says I need a job, what’s my plan? Have I applied for a teacher job? I say you told me not to do a course or volunteer. ( which he did but has forgotten) he called me a leach and I said, I’m not, I do all the house stuff. He pointed out the house was always a mess..as I picked up his shoes off the living room floor! It does feel like he’s crashing around bullying.
But he’s right, I don’t have a plan. I said I’m going to do a digital marketing course with the money I made from my micro business ( Etsy!) he then said I need several strands to a plan. I’ve escaped to write this.
also dd has a job as a kitchen porter that she starts tonight. I’m not sure she should be hearing this.

I said I’m trying, I was disappointed not to get the job this week. He spat out,’why.’ ‘Why didn’t you get it ‘
err, because I’m ancient, and I’m blagging maybe. All stressed again.

Thank you for your comments goody and pilcrow he has a point, I dot get anywhere.