Yelling before I go to work..

[Moomoola]

Hello. I’ve been a sahm for years. Partly illness his and mine, partly lost confidence, partly not knowing which direction partly depression, partly Dh doesn’t seem to get that a good career years ago doesn’t seem to count for anything.
Anyway, whatever reason I have finally got a very part time job. I had to dig my heels in to take it and explain to Dh that it’s better on my cv than nothing and might lead somewhere. Dh waits till now, when I’m supposed to be getting ready to go to work, to get cross that I need a plan and what am I going to do and it’s not good enough. I KNOW. but it’s a start.
Trouble is I am now all shaken and upset instead of calmly getting ready for this new role - that I’m having to figure out as I go. He did this last week too. I asked him not to go on as I was getting ready and he said we’ll do it at the weekend too. He’s decided I should be a teacher, yet when I said this years ago, he didn’t think it was good enough. He just said that was because at the time I’d said I’d get a good job in my previous role. Erm..don’t think so. Anyway We will have to sell the house as we can’t afford to send the kids to uni. Unless I get a proper job, and he is fed up with the financial burden being on him. All fair enough. Sorry, just venting. I don’t know why I haven’t actually got a job. I apply for loads.
now got to be all happy and confident and I feel like crap.
sorry, don’t know why it’s all so rubbish.

Guess what he’s told me we’re not going to x, well get covid, I didn’t put locks on the upstairs window, and now he’s going to drive. It’s going to be painful.

But he doesn't have a point. You have a part time job that pays 3x NMW and where you have prospects of getting more hours. You are trying to get additional work. His endless verbal battering of you is not going to make you get a job any faster - quite the reverse. And he knows that - he's doing it because he likes treating you badly. You're so ground down that you can't see that.

Your concerns for your DD are valid - what will you do when he starts in on her, demanding that she get a 'better' job? Will you continue to remain passive? You need to find your anger and get out.

Why does he get to decide? What is stopping you from getting in the car with your DC and going? Can you not see that this is coercive control, which is a crime?

He’s bullying you, plain and simple, @Moomoola He really is. It’s completely not on. He does not have a point. Honestly. As pps have said - he’s ground you down so you can’t see what’s happening.

Could you ring Women's Aid when you go out? Or email them/do the online chat? www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

He's truly horrible.

Your internal voice has become his, you believe all the lies he says about you.

Please speak to woman's aid. Your partner should be your biggest cheerleader and supporter not someone who devalues you constantly.

Just seen that you’re not going to be allowed out without him 😧

Can you contact WA when you’re next out of the house by yourself?

Your part time job sounds great op, definitely stick with that while you look for more. I wish you could see him from the outside the way we can- he is horrible and nasty and he just wants you to be miserable. £30 an hour sounds very good! There are lots of jobs you’d have to work 2 or 3 times as many hours to earn the same so please do stick with that one while you look!! And it sounds like you’re doing well at it, you just need to block him out…

I hope that you can find a little spark of anger inside at how this man is coercing and controlling you. Imagine if it was your sister or best friend being treated like this.
Reread that wonderful scenario which modelled how a nice, supportive man would react to you not getting a job. You deserve so much better than what you’re getting from this bastard.

He is right. You need a plan. And the plan needs to have many strands. Youll get great, specific and detailed advice on here if you ask for help getting a plan together.

stick with the etsy side hustle if it is worth it time wise.

keep going with the back to work charity help and going for interviews. Remember to go for ones you dont meet all the criteria for as well. Dont hold yourself back.

go to counselling.

get rid of the arsehole bully.

This is a really painful thread to read. Please make plans to leave, you and your children deserve better than this.

But he’s right, I don’t have a plan. I said I’m going to do a digital marketing course with the money I made from my micro business ( Etsy!) he then said I need several strands to a plan. I’ve escaped to write this
You don't have a plan tstandards bdards because this is what he wants you do to, not what you want to do.
You actually have an entirely reasonable plan to get into work that you described upthread and its going well. You earn good money and your boss is happy.

Have you considered he's ramping this up because you have successfully executed your own plan, outside his control? And he can't stand it so is undermining you?

He is not your boss. I wish you would make a plan with several strands of how he can get to fuck

*to his standard, stupid phone

Well done on your PT job, OP. It sounds like you're doing well at it and your manager is pleased. This is how you get back to work - you find a small way in, and build on it. If you want to do a digital marketing course alongside, that's a great plan.

And guess what? Your plan is already multi-stranded, because you'll be building up your work experience for your CV (PT job), at the same time as training and continuing to interview for full time positions. Three strands!

He's always going to find something to criticise. It sounds like he's the type of person that can't feel good about himself unless he's putting someone else down. Have you heard the old saying: 'It's not enough that I should succeed; someone else must fail'?

If you can, try to disconnect from him more. Stop listening to what he wants, and concentrate on what you want. His needs and wants are no more valuable than yours. You have just as much right to make choices and decisions as he does.

Thank you everyone! pilcrow he doesn’t stop me going out! I hope I am not over exaggerating what’s happening..
He is ok, but I don’t think he likes me atm.
Today was..well I thought he behaved Wierdly.. can I get your views?
I wanted to quick train in and out to treat ds to nice summer confidence building clothes. I thought it would be fun. ( also thought Dh would be busy) He says to ds, do you want to go to x shop ( as planned by me) Y shop is nearer. He insisted he come, he insisted we drive, but oh! He now wants to go to designer outlet miles away. I calmly repeat ‘quick train in and out, no traffic easy. That’s our plan, you are welcome to come but you are now hijacking the plan’ It felt really felt bizarre, like he wanted to be king pin but it wasn’t working? He tells me I don’t want to go to designer outlet because i don’t care about money, he’s driving because he’s saving us from covid on public transport. And other wierd stuff. I feel like Every manipulative tactic in the book is being thrown at me, it’s very uncomfortable esp. with kids in the back.
so we get to town through loads of traffic. I had hoped to encourage ds into some nice clothes but Dh is there saying they aren’t so good. Ds doesn’t want anything, he says he has one pair of trainers it’s enough. ( not surprised actually) The whole trip is not much fun, then we have to stop somewhere else to get holiday money. I have told Dh a zillion times that I have a bank that doesn’t charge abroad but he doesn’t like me having the money card, I really don’t mind if he looks after it ffs. But no, he has to get a shed load of cash then moan about the fees. . When we finally get home he seems to relax a bit.
I make dinner, he makes himself a salad and doesn’t share.
I might be being punished?
we are going to meet his family next week. I might keep a journal!

Sorry for the long post. I’m working stuff out I guess. It was just a long exhausting day. It was like he wanted to take over? Ew my head !

He's always going to find something to criticise. It sounds like he's the type of person that can't feel good about himself unless he's putting someone else down. Have you heard the old saying: 'It's not enough that I should succeed; someone else must fail'?
I think you may be right?

if you can, try to disconnect from him more. Stop listening to what he wants, and concentrate on what you want. His needs and wants are no more valuable than yours. You have just as much right to make choices and decisions as he does.
Thank you. But as he tells me, he works. I do fa. ( and no, my job is very very part time)

What a depressing thread. Those poor kids.

spohn please spell it out to me. Again. Though writing it here like a journal is useful. I’d forgotten a lot of what I’d written about already. I’m so weirded out, and needy!
he is having to win somehow I think.
I am actually thinking I’ll call Women’s aid on Monday. That feels really wierd.
what can I do in the meantime?

Please do talk to Women's Aid. This man has got so far into your head you are losing yourself completely.

Thank you..can you elaborate? I’m sorry to be dense. Do you mean I’m not doing stuff I want to do? I do need to talk to someone, I think that’s obvious by my neediness here!

I'm happy to spell it out for you and I hope it helps. Based on what you've posted here:

• He will speak negatively about everything you do. If you go to the sop close by to get wine, he will complain that you didn't go to the other one to get better wine. But if you go to the other shop to get better wine, you know he will complain about that too - taking too much time, spending too much money, still the wrong wine.
• He waltzes all over your plans - see your shopping visit with DS - and then ruins them.
• He feels he has a right to decide what kind of job you do!
• He criticises everything you do and praises nothing - does he ever say anything kind, loving or positive to you?
• He imposes on all your plans - see the money card thing! - especially if they are better and more sensible than his. Then he moans about things not working out the way he wants.

And worst of all, you think all of this is normal behaviour. You're so worn down by him that you have no sense of how normal couples behave with one another. You measure life entirely by his standards because you no longer have your own - they have been worn away. You've completely lost yourself, he owns your entire mind. It's utterly terrifying to read, especially since none of it is making you happy! This man has broken you down and you don't even know it.

This is gaslighting behaviour. He picks on every aspect of everything you do until you don’t know what’s real anymore. He positions you as wrong every single chance he gets. No wonder you are feeling confused. Please find a way to contact women’s aid. Keep reading this thread. You are NOT over-stating any of this! I work with women who have been in abusive relationships and what you have spelled out here sounds all too familiar. Be as minimal as you can with anything you share of your job - I guarantee he’ll stamp on anything he views as a glimmer of independence. Just stick to ‘it’s ok’. Try not to engage when he lectures you. That doesn’t mean he’s in any way right; just ‘hmm’ and ‘yes’ will do fine. The more you get trapped into justifying your actions, the more he’ll twist things around to make you doubt yourself. He knows what he’s doing, believe me. The yelling and thumping is to scare and destabilise you before you have to try and focus at work. He wants you to fail. He will double down on the control the moment he sees any confidence or happiness in you. Keeping you broke keeps you vulnerable. Quietly get your resources together. Tell him nothing. Don’t try to reason with him. Make sure you have all the vital documents like passports to hand, and if you decide to leave, don’t warn him. Not to scare you but abusers escalate abuse when they see signs their partner might be planning to leave.

He sounds really unkind and a bit of a bully. I know it would feel like a lot of pressure to do the financial heavy lifting but why pick on you when you are making progress? So counterproductive!

Oh.
thank you for the astute summation. You are right, I can’t see it. But it REALLY helps to have it pointed out to me.
I think I lurch from situation to situation juggling responses and emotions and don’t put them all together. I work hard at trying not to be depressed and be positive. I think, ‘ I’ll just get positive and I can do x ‘ somehow x never gets done. I think a little voice feels it’s tried so hard for so long that now it’s just tired. And maybe..oops, vanished.
‘ so I no longer do anything for me ( except mn!) except housework and job hunt. Then I get depressed at job hunting and feel useless so then I try harder with the house, then he says you’re not job hunting seriously and round and round I go. Not very good.

He criticises everything you do and praises nothing - does he ever say anything kind, loving or positive to you?
ermm, now you mention it. Actually no. I don’t think so. I sometimes get, praise for a nice dinner. I know I felt disappointed when I bought new jeans and got A Look. when people ask after my hobby ( I could be quite good at it, but I’ve given it up really) I noticed he does perk up. I’m not encouraged to do it tho. I have to Get A Job

Craftycorvid and comtesse( sounds like a cool heist film) thank you.
No wonder you are feeling confused. Please find a way to contact women’s aid. Keep reading this thread. You are NOT over-stating any of this! I work with women who have been in abusive relationships and what you have spelled out here sounds all too familiar.
thank you.in a wierd way this is reassuring! Don’t want to moan to WA about something I should be able to handle myself. But enough of you have mentioned it to make me try and ignore you..I mean take it on board that you know what you’re talking about.