Yelling before I go to work..

[Moomoola]

Hello. I’ve been a sahm for years. Partly illness his and mine, partly lost confidence, partly not knowing which direction partly depression, partly Dh doesn’t seem to get that a good career years ago doesn’t seem to count for anything.
Anyway, whatever reason I have finally got a very part time job. I had to dig my heels in to take it and explain to Dh that it’s better on my cv than nothing and might lead somewhere. Dh waits till now, when I’m supposed to be getting ready to go to work, to get cross that I need a plan and what am I going to do and it’s not good enough. I KNOW. but it’s a start.
Trouble is I am now all shaken and upset instead of calmly getting ready for this new role - that I’m having to figure out as I go. He did this last week too. I asked him not to go on as I was getting ready and he said we’ll do it at the weekend too. He’s decided I should be a teacher, yet when I said this years ago, he didn’t think it was good enough. He just said that was because at the time I’d said I’d get a good job in my previous role. Erm..don’t think so. Anyway We will have to sell the house as we can’t afford to send the kids to uni. Unless I get a proper job, and he is fed up with the financial burden being on him. All fair enough. Sorry, just venting. I don’t know why I haven’t actually got a job. I apply for loads.
now got to be all happy and confident and I feel like crap.
sorry, don’t know why it’s all so rubbish.

These are abusive behaviours, he’s trying to control you. I’m so sorry.

I don’t think he has left you with any option other than to separate has he? I don’t know how you could respect him after his behaviour. He sounds like a cruel man.

He is abusive.
End it.

Op he is definetely sabotaging you...why?...because he is abusive and bullying, we can see it you cannot as it has become normalised sadly.

Please keep talking here and reading about abusive behaviour, the scales will fall...

BTW congratulations on the job..DO NOT GIVE IT UP !!

When you say ‘very part time’, do you mean a Saturday job?

Leave. You deserve better. I have been where you are. Husband pushed me to get a better job, and when I retrained as a teacher he then complained about that. Refused to chip in for basic repairs on the house but spent thousands on his hobby. Was out of work for a while (4 months) after training, and then ended up on supply, which I was happy with. He never let me forget how much I was putting him out while being out of work and I had left him by the end of that year. It was only after leaving that the scales dropped from my eyes and I realised all the little ways he’d undermined me and kept me down.

I’ve seen this line trotted out so often on here before, but what are his good points?

He indeed has tried to sabotage your attempts to get back into the workplace. He continues to conduct his own private based war against you; such controlling men hate women and all of them to boot.

Why are you with him still?. How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

I left a really good job to move with my exH to be near his children. I struggled to find work but got offered a two day minimum wage job which I took. He went mad but they offered me free qualifications once completed I got more hours. I was then offered a chance to study a degree which they funded. My exh went mad, smashed up my printer and laptop, put my coursework in the fire. I kept going, secretly studying in libraries etc. Got my degree, promotion and am now the department head. I divorced him after my degree. He was deliberately trying to stop me earning to stop me leaving him. Pure control. I got it all the time about how he paid for everything, I needed to contribute etc he'd tell his family too. Yet when I did be didn't like it. I'd think very carefully OP about why he is reacting in this way. Tell him you need to set aside some time together to talk. Be strong with what you want and how he needs to support you. If he won't I can't see your 'partnership' continuing.

At some point soon the penny is going to drop and you will realise that your husband is abusive. He doesn't want what's best for you. He is actively undermining you. He is critical, gas-lighting, bullying, wants you to feel insecure and beneath him. He is actively trying to spoil your new job for you. He is financially abusive.

From all you've said this does not sound like a loving relationship. It sounds like he thinks he's superior to you, more important, the only one whose feelings matter, the only one whose work matters. He doesn't respect you or support you.

You would be so much better off without him. Please keep talking here. Lots of people have been through what you're going through. We all know that you and your children will be so much happier living without that bullying, abusive, vile man.

Thanks everyone . Total admiration for everyone whose dealt with this stuff, and thank you for sharing. So well done littlegoth and freeandfierce you are both incredible.
sorry not to reply sooner.
as a pp says, I have puzzled over this on mn before when he is in a mood. I’m reassured by mns that he is abusive, I suspect he may be a bit but then it all gets ok again. he’s never nasty nasty like in Lundy book, but a few things strike home. One from living with the dominator struck home is ‘ all the abusers I have met believe that women can’t drive’ I now let him drive. Although he’s the one that’s crashed 3 times.
see, written down it’s concentrated tales, and obviously from my perspective. Maybe I’m blaming him for my own failings.

im also losing massive confidence in this job. Yes it’s only a day a week. The boss has kind of left me to it, which is fine, but she has very strong views on how it should done..and I’m trying to second guess and feel like I’m failing badly. Last week we had a chat, and I tried to achieve that this week, but in my mind have failed badly and she’ll be cross. We are supposed to send photos each week of what we did, and I’m too nervous to send mine, fearing she’ll see something wrong. I sound so timid! I used to run a department! I’m trying to get a handle on it, have asked her for training and she sort of forgets. I just think I’m on a downward slope of cocking up. And I feel like giving up tbh. If I’m not fired.

dh forgets I’m going in, has never asked about it, except to say it’s a waste of time.oh and yell before I go in. I called his bluff about parking and said I’d better give it up. Think he now thinks it will help to being a teacher, which he wants me to do.
i feel like I don’t know which way is up. But it’s me that’s stupid.

Sorry long and moany!

Yelling is horrible-I agree.

What’s he actually saying, though?

If roles were reversed and I was working full time whilst my partner hadn’t working partly because they didn’t know which direction they wanted to work in, then finally got a Saturday job, I probably wouldn’t be too happy. What’s the job? Will it help you get into a different/better role? Do you want to teach? Is retraining viable-how long would it take you?

I’d have a calm conversation about it now, when you’re not about to go to work. Tell him what you would like to happen. Reiterate that there needs to be no shouting, but both you need to be open and honest.

Thank you, I am very aware that he has a point. I think my point is that I need to take any job to get started. The part time job is better than no job, and it’s £30 an hour, so not too shoddy - just not many hours!
I think I will find a calm discussion very difficult. He will say,‘don’t talk to me like that’ in such an awful petulant voice. It will soon be an argument and I’m never sure how. I don’t know how to mend it, or how to leave either. Thanks.

You badly need to call Womens aid for advice and support.

You are with a highly abusive man and they will confirm it.

How many children do you have and what age?

Can you contact family for support?
Friends?

He is emotionally abusive and seems very unpleasant. You would feel much less anxious about everything, including work, if you were free of him.

The part time job is better than no job, and it’s £30 an hour, so not too shoddy - just not many hours!

Well that's fab as far as I'm concerned @Moomoola . Every hour you do counts for well over three of someone on minimum ('living') wage financially.

And yes of course all experience will count on your CV. If you don't get on with this particular job then there are other jobs when you're ready to have another go. He will be making your work far more difficult. If he wasn't around you'd be in a better frame of mind to handle it, rather than starting off the day on the wrong foot, and constantly having your self-esteem knocked at home, which is making you even more anxious.

I think I will find a calm discussion very difficult. He will say,‘don’t talk to me like that’ in such an awful petulant voice. It will soon be an argument and I’m never sure how.

I wouldn't bother talking to him about much at all- every conversation he's just using as a way to fuck with your sense of self and wellbeing.

I don’t know how to mend it, or how to leave either. Thanks.

I wouldn't bother trying to mend a relationship with someone so abusive. That's probably impossible, and even trying isn't a good idea. Start making a plan to leave when you feel able.

Anyway We will have to sell the house as we can’t afford to send the kids to uni.

They can get student loans and a lot of people end up not having to pay it back, so it's effectively a grant.

Thank you. I don’t know why I can’t get my head round this.

Tell him to make his own food as you’re not a mind reader, or HE can go and get something. And if he shouts at you in front of your dc, tell him to kindly not speak so rudely to you, especially in front of dc. And definitely make plans to get a better job and leave this ghastly man. Who does he think he is shouting at you? Bet if you were 6ft plus of big bloke he wouldn’t dare…he’s just a bully.

If I worked nowadays then it'd be cleaning, I'd probably charge £9 an hour now as min wage for over 25s or whatever is nearly that. I would be earning in three and a bit hours what you earn in one. It's really not to be sniffed at and is a sign you're capable of getting good job offers.

All experience and stuff to put on your CV is good I think.

Don't be too discouraged if things don't pan out at this particular job, as he's making it so difficult for you right now that it's not an accurate reflection of what work would/should be like for you if you were free of him.

It sounds like it's worth talking to your boss about the bits of your job you're not sure about and getting her to tell you how she wants it done etc, and keep asking. But I'm not an expert on work at all. I just remember one job where asking a boss to clarify something would've really helped- I/we had to redo the work as I'd tried to wing it.

Thank you. I don’t know why I can’t get my head round this.

@Moomoola Probably because he's constantly fucking with your head.

He’s absolutely trying to destroy you.

you won’t be able to do anything right because he wants you at home under his control

but then… you’re in the wrong for that too.

you can’t win, so stop playing his game

stick to this job and tell the boss you want to increase your hours whenever she’s able and take it from there.

you will have to leave him. When you’re ready, one day at a time and you’ll be back on your feet and free of someone who wants to yell at you all the time.

he’s a total wanker.

Thanks guys. How is he fucking with my head though? It’s like I need to keep on asking over and over again! When other people posts It’s so obvious they are being mistreated. When it’s me, I sort of wonder if….and then it goes again and I feel I’m being mistrusting and picky.
goody2shoez mind reader made me laugh! How can you all know he is abusive? billy you say highly abusive. I am very confused. It’s like trying to see one of those optical illusion pictures. Definitely need to sleep, and I’m toying with woman’s aid but I’ve a million excuses not to. Thank you all for your help.

How is he fucking with my head though?

@Moomoola Others will do a more thorough dissection I'm sure, but for a start he's telling you you're shit and doing things wrong all the time.

And the yelling before you set out to work, when he knows it's the last thing you need. I think he's trying to make you crack up to be honest.

Good for you with the job! What is it, if you don’t mind me asking?

Can’t you do more hours?

Hi, it’s helping adults learn stuff. It’s very rewarding but will only ever be part time. Everyone wants to do it!

He’s frustrated because I’m not earning. Taken me a lot of mn to realise I fell for the whole,‘I’ve been at work and you’ve been swanning around with the babies so I need a lie in’. Stupidly I thought I was supposed to do all baby stuff, have a tidy house and a top career. Embarrassed when I pulled a baby bottle out of my pocket in a client meeting. Something had to give, it was me!