Should I stay with cheating husband

[Crinklecat]

I never thought I’d be in this situation. We’ve been married 14 years, 11 year old dc. My DH cheated on my when I was pregnant/ had a newborn. We separated temporarily but I begged him to come back (mainly for dc). Regretting this decision now.

I am pretty sure he’s cheating on me again including staying at her house (under the pretence of working away). I know I should kick him out but I rely on him financially. We live in a lovely house and have a pony, all of which would have to go. He’s a high earner, my wages don’t even cover the mortgage. Even with child maintenance we won’t be able to afford to stay here.

I feel my situation is lose vs lose. If he leaves I will be heartbroken and also have to find a small house to rent, which will affect dc. If he stays I’m still heartbroken but at least our lives aren’t disrupted too much. He hardly sees dc anyway due to “working” so that isn’t so much of a factor. My dc is sensitive though and I obviously want to do what’s best.

unfortunately I don’t see a split being amicable (i think he’s a narcissist, hence needing constant adoration), when it’s been discussed before he’s said we’d have to sell. With my wages I don’t think I’d get a mortgage so any equity would be gradually spent on rent.

ignoring the self respect aspect I really don’t know what I should do

It's an old fashioned scenario in a way. Plenty of women used to just put up with it. You could use the time to save up - even buying things you can re-sell later. Or just enjoy your house, pony, lifestyle.
If you want to, then you can leave. You may be happier doing that, even without the house and pony.
Or ask him to be more discreet or you will leave

Plenty of women stay for the finances or the status, so the choice is yours.

Get yourself a lover on the side and just use the husband for money.

You know he cheated on you in the past and you regret taking him back. You suspect he is doing it again. He has narcisistic qualities.

Based on all the above, I'd suggest the only right answer it to leave him.

A nice house and ponies are a high price to pay for living in a loveless marriage and being lied to and disrespected in your own home. Your child will see your relationship as 'normal' and may copy it when they're older.

Alternatively, you can separate and enjoy a happy life with your child, one where you don't have your self confidence eroded at every turn. PLenty of people manage financially after a split. I suppose the question is - which is more important to you - your wellbeing and happiness and self respect or a big house and ponies?

Honestly? I think I'd stay, retrain, get your wages up, and then when you're in a position to you can leave the fucker.

Please leave. What are you teaching your child by staying? That mummy was walked all over and wasn't loved or respected - but at least we had a pony!
You can build a wonderful life for you and your child. It might be disruptive in the short term, but longer term surely you'd be happier?
Sending strength.

Change is hard.

Can you change things a bit at a time? Throw all of your energies in to getting a job while thinking about how much of the stuff around you you could do without?

That's what I did. It was very satisfying when I did leave.

Its so tough though isn’t it. He knows I know (I think) and makes me think I’m going mad

Imho I think every scenario should be considered in the view of what you're modelling for your child.

Children learn about love and relationships from us.

Is this the dynamic you want your child replicating in the future?

I'm so sorry he's such a nasty man and you're going through this.

That's quite disrespectful. Some people do 'dont ask dont tell' but it requires discretion from the one having the affair.

This is easy to type and less easy to apply but try to see yourself as not caring what he thinks about you any more. I'd get back in to the workplace and while you're job hunting ebay some of your stuff. Do you have a joint account or does he put some money in to your account?

I’d stay. Why should I give up a good life because of his actions.

I would start saving but also have an affair. I’d want what he has too, maybe ask for the relation to be open so you can take a lover too, best of both worlds.

It’s not the money/ lifestyle per se because as you say I’m not happy. It’s the house, I love our house and if I was to move I would still see it every day and be reminded how things have changed

I can’t imagine ever meeting a new partner so my thinking is I’m loveless In a marriage and loveless out of it

my dc copying this pattern is my main concern. DH father was also not a nice man and I expect cheated

Depends what is most important to you in life, if it’s money and lifestyle then stay put for now. Personally if I did stay out I’d be looking at ways to secretly save as much as possible and perhaps retrain to get a better career.

How can you be sure he won’t meet the love of his life and you split up anyway? It sounds like he’s already left once. What prompted him to come back?

Unfortunately I can’t not ask. I really wish I didn’t care but I do

Horrible scenario OP.

Get a lover.
Retrain and do whatever you have to to get a better paid job
Divorce him when you feel capable.

Obviously first choice would be to leave him immediately but appreciate its not quite that simple.

That’s one of the hardest bits. I did have a career before him. The way our lives have gone means there’s no way for me to go back to that at the moment without moving further away, and I really don’t want to disrupt dc further.

I do have a job, around childcare though meaning I earn peanuts (it’s a job not a career)

Stay
Retrain/upskill
Take a lover
Start to emotionally detach from your twat of a husband
Gather evidence of your/his financial situation to make it easier when it comes to any financial settlement.

Then leave him.

There’s no way I’d have an affair. To start I don’t have the time.

I'm in a very similar position. I'm staying at the moment. They're not great choices but do what's best for you right now.

Op I mean this gently but are you sure the choice is yours and he isn’t planning to leave you? Because if this is a possibility then you need to start through the ramifications of this.

Why can't you retrain?
Get more childcare in and focus on your earning potential.

ignoring the self respect aspect

Er, no. Don't do that

OK, so you can't afford that house, but you could probably afford another. If it's that nice there may well be lots of equity - at least get an evaluation, you might be surprised. If he's a high earner then your maintenance should likewise be quite high and there will be savings and assets that you can claim at least half of. You are in a better position than a lot who leave.
If hell bent on staying, it might be doable with separate bedrooms and no expectation of intimacy, but you are risking that he could decide to divorce you at any time anyway, so staying together may not end up in your hands.

Plenty of women stay and put up with it

Plenty dont and give up all the "material" aspects of the marriage to take charge of their lives

At age 11 your child won't need "childcare" much longer. No reason why she can't keep the pony if your DH pays