Should I stay with cheating husband

[Crinklecat]

I never thought I’d be in this situation. We’ve been married 14 years, 11 year old dc. My DH cheated on my when I was pregnant/ had a newborn. We separated temporarily but I begged him to come back (mainly for dc). Regretting this decision now.

I am pretty sure he’s cheating on me again including staying at her house (under the pretence of working away). I know I should kick him out but I rely on him financially. We live in a lovely house and have a pony, all of which would have to go. He’s a high earner, my wages don’t even cover the mortgage. Even with child maintenance we won’t be able to afford to stay here.

I feel my situation is lose vs lose. If he leaves I will be heartbroken and also have to find a small house to rent, which will affect dc. If he stays I’m still heartbroken but at least our lives aren’t disrupted too much. He hardly sees dc anyway due to “working” so that isn’t so much of a factor. My dc is sensitive though and I obviously want to do what’s best.

unfortunately I don’t see a split being amicable (i think he’s a narcissist, hence needing constant adoration), when it’s been discussed before he’s said we’d have to sell. With my wages I don’t think I’d get a mortgage so any equity would be gradually spent on rent.

ignoring the self respect aspect I really don’t know what I should do

@Crinklecat
You can do this, you really can.
It will be really hard but in a year's time ( or less) you'll look back and be thankful you confronted him.
Be strong, you can't trust him ever again.
Your DC will be ok, you'll be together.

Now you need to see a solicitor OP, and file for divorce.

If there is as much money floating about as you say then you shouldn't come out of it too badly.

Good luck. x

Just cheat as well he doesn’t love you. Get what you can out of him then leave

Forgive the hackneyed phrase OP but this is now 'get your ducks in a row' time.

You cannot afford to waste time - find a solicitor on Monday. If you can get a recommendation, so much the better: do you have trusted friends you could ask? Women who have already gone through a divorce & come out ok?

Now he knows that "it's over" - or could be, whichever of you actually said so in this confrontation - he will be working to get ahead of the game. So - you know what to do. Copy all documents, list all accounts, find his pension statements ... & get yourself lawyered up. You will feel stronger when you have a knowledgeable expert advising you & PROTECTING YOUR INTERESTS.

I am so sorry for the emotional shock you are going through.
Remember to breathe, eat, & drink plenty of water.
If you start to feel overwhelmed, go outside, or play some music, or do some yoga/exercise/meditation - whatever you can give yourself to self-soothe.
And keep posting for support, but remember, you don't 'owe' us PP any updates.
Look after yourself.

I really don’t have it in me to sort logistics at the moment. I’ve looked at what I could buy with my share and the best I could get without moving schools Would be a flat (and that would me moving out of the village) and wouldn’t suit the Pets.

Theres nothing to rent at the moment and rarely is. This would also eat into my equity meaning I would be very unlikely to buy anywhere in future

with the current house expenses (even with child maintenance) I can’t afford to stay here

so my only option is to move areas and uproot my dc

how do people do this? How do you have the strength to make life changing decisions when you feel like you’re dieing?

It really depends how awful your life is.
When I divorced exH I'd got to the point where I couldn't even look at him anymore.
I lived in a beautiful house on the South Downs by the sea that I had spent my life paying for, he never paid a penny in.
I decided that I would rather live on a caravan park than wake up to him every morning and sod the house.
I moved 200 miles away, house prices were much cheaper so I still got a nice house in a village, I had to get a new job but it's much nicer than my old job.
I am very happy and have made lovely friends.
I wouldn't go back and life is finally all that I hoped for. that's all that matters. I put too much into having a lovely house, big garden and all the rest of it. Those things don't make you happy.
Don't be afraid to move away - it could be the best decision you ever made.

@Pootles34 is absolutely spot on

Honestly? I think I'd stay, retrain, get your wages up, and then when you're in a position to you can leave the fucker.

I also started a savings account so I would have a lump sum for a deposit.

In the end it all calmed down and I didn't leave. Perhaps because I had more confidence because I could leave if I wanted to.

Don't let anyone push you into a decision or let yourself to believe you are weak for staying.

You want a good life for your child and right now you can't do that on your own. Make sure going forward you can, then the decision either way will be yours.

You might need to do it anyway OP if he chooses to leave first. It sounds like your marriage will end/is already over, and it’s just a matter of time for your kids to be uprooted.
Start taking steps now so you can be ahead of him.

How old are your DC again?

Do you know for sure he's cheating?

But do you understand @marmiteadict that the OP might be in the same position whether she decides to stay or leave, because he can leave first? The situation you’re describing is “the best case scenario”.

I don’t know why some posters are SO confident that a lying cheating husbands won’t have the balls to leave them…

I don’t think it’s rare for a men to leave his wife and sometimes multiple kids for his affair partner. Hell, I knew a guy who left wife and four kids cause his mistress got pregnant.

In my opinion staying isn’t weak, but it leaves you in a extremely vulnerable position. Everyday might be the day he announces it’s over. You might be better off financially for a little while longer, but your mental health is going to take the hit.

We get that, most of us anyway, however, you know, I know & everyone else knows that's just not what happens.

You love & want the man you want him to be, NOT the man he is! Even if he wasn't having an affair the rest of the way he treats you us disgusting!!

You are ground down from the way he treats you!!

Tough Love coming up!!

you need to take an afternoon off work (if you can't - TA etc, call in sick) & see a GOOD Solicitor.

Then you can go forward knowing where you stand.

it sounds like you had a decent career, you need to get back into it. If that means you need to move, then so be it. Your friends will still be your friends if you move. Your DS will move schools, many kids do, it's not the end of the world.

Hes been gas lighting you for YEARS, he's ground you right down.

Get your old self to give you a damn good talking to & find your drive!!

I'm assuming from your update OP that you're on the verge of taking him back or already have.

Gather up your strength. Part of the reason men get away with it is because the emotional and practical load their wives carry precludes them from putting themselves first and sorting out a way to leave. You need to prioritise yourself and your son's future.

Your husband might play nice for a short while having been challenged. It won't stop him going back to the OW or finding a new one when the dust has settled. You've already said you suspect he's a narcissist. If that's right then this isn't a moment of madness he will regret it's a long term relationship quest to manipulate women to the point that they worship him. You can't win, you can only make yourself more and more miserable.

Do what you can to put yourself in a position of power. Recognise that getting him out of your life will make you better not worse. Start telling friends and get their support and strength. And get some legal advice.

No I’m not taking him back. I’ve started telling people. He’s been around more the last few days than he has in months, I think it’s because he’s trying to prove (probably to himself) that he’s a good day. Hoping he stays at work (or wherever the fuck he wants that isn’t here) during the week.

we haven’t told dc yet as it’s been such a busy few days. We’ve got a family day out today which I can’t cancel so hoping to stay strong. I’m not sure when we’ll be able to sit dc down to explain either we don’t want to do it late tonight before school tomorrow.

I wish I was angrier. I’m still heartbroken, numb but also disgusted. I’m replaying all the times dc has been exposed to arguments etc and looking forward to when we don’t have to walk on eggshells about everything and that is giving me the drive. But I still can’t deal with what will practically happen

I only got a new job last month (full time) to improve my position. It’s not enough to support us but it’s better than I was. The thought of leaving that to get my career back is overwhelming and I will put it off if I can

I’m replaying all the times dc has been exposed to arguments etc and looking forward to when we don’t have to walk on eggshells about everything and that is giving me the drive.

Thats enough to drive you to get yourself and DC out of this situation. You deserve better 💐

No I’m not taking him back. I’ve started telling people.
Well done. Abuse, lies, & cheating, thrive in secrecy. You are introducing the disinfectant of fresh air.

I wish I was angrier. I’m still heartbroken, numb but also disgusted.
Anger will come, in its own time. when it does, you will know why, & it will fuel you & give you strength.
Disgust may well be the precursor to anger. (Or it may not. You are YOU, & only need to feel what you are feeling NOW, & manage it.)
But you will also feel all the other emotions, & yes - its a rollercoaster. There is no "correct" way to feel. Whatever you feel is what you are dealing with at the time: don't set yourself up to 'fail' with over-expectation about how you 'ought' to be feeling.

I’m replaying all the times dc has been exposed to arguments etc and looking forward to when we don’t have to walk on eggshells about everything and that is giving me the drive.
That drive is part of you. It always has been. Harness it.
And well done again.
If you had not been walking on eggshells round a disrespectful, gaslighting cheat for so many years, your drive would not have diminished like it did. But it's coming back now! - you can feel it. Allow yourself to belief that this is the real you. The protecting her DC you. The career you. She's you, & she's coming back to help you through this.

But I still can’t deal with what will practically happen
You don't have to do it all tomorrow.
Step by step. You'll develop a stamina for it, as you practice allowing your natural drive to resurface.

I only got a new job last month (full time) to improve my position. It’s not enough to support us but it’s better than I was. The thought of leaving that to get my career back is overwhelming and I will put it off if I can
And that's fine too! As above - no need to do it ALL tomorrow.
Talk to your lawyer about your job. You may find they advice it's better - settlement-wise - for you to still be earning a lot less at the time of the split.
Obviously you'll need to balance that against financial practicalities, longer-term, but for right now, take NO action about jobs until you've had an extensive session or 2 with the mumsnet-approved SHL (shit-hot lawyer).
Now you are telling the truth about H friends, it will be easier for you ask for recommendations.

When you have more info (paperwork, SHL assessment) you can start breaking the huge mass of uncertainty into small steps. House, location, schools, job/career ... & also by category.
Some things will be financial, some practical, some legal, some emotional. Your job is to build a Team You to ensure you have a buddy for each category. Some will be professionals, some will be friends &/or family.
You may wish to add a counsellor or therapist to that list.

Small steps OP. For today - just get through today. And btw - you hoping that he steers clear of the marital home right now ..? A very positive sign of your acceptance of the split, & your drive, & who knows, even rage, beginning to take over from the horrible emotional & marital limbo you have been living in.

How are you OP?

This is what I'd do. Sounds a bit cold I guess, but I have zero sympathy for a man who cheats on his pregnant partner. What a disgusting human.

Oh god, sorry, I only read your first post before replying. Should have read it all first 🤦🏻‍♀️

I thought I was doing ok after an emotional morning but I’ve just seen he’s bought cinema tickets. I assume he’s going on a date. He hates the cinema and won’t even take dc so no other reason he’d go. I’ve asked him to get a separate spending account as I can’t see these things. I hate this. We can’t tell dc until the weekend so hiding it is awful.

I keep thinking of all the couple things we do with friends which I won’t be able to do anymore. I feel like running away

I hope you are feeling okay this evening OP. Sometimes I think you just have to think that there's no point upsetting yourself over something you have no control over as it doesn't achieve anything except making you feel bad.

I keep trying to remind myself how calm and relaxed it will feel to go to sleep at night without worrying about where he is / who he's texting. That's no way to live.

@seaUrchinOne Lol. This is so infrequently advised that it's quite amusing seeing it. I mean, the husband seems to think he's in an open relationship and has simply forgotten to tell the OP is. The OP has found out so I'm sure he won't have a problem with her shagging someone else......

I'd absolutely be doing this. Rinse him for as much as you can and enjoy.

It is only natural at the moment to feel sensitive and upset with his quite frankly totally insensitive, never mind entitled behaviour.

Have you had chance to discuss any of his conduct or is he still in denial, hoping cake eating can continue? Have you asked to separate or is it mutually agreed? I'm hoping you can read Chump Lady website and embrace the grey rock/no contact or even 180° methodology to protect you emotionally. This man has moved on. He is not the husband you thought he was so please don't be taken in by anything he tells you, he is not on your team and will be several steps ahead of you.

If you have a joint account, with money in take half out and keep it safe for emergencies. Open your own bank account. Whilst for the financials it is in your interest to engage a solicitor, you can submit a divorce application easily online.

Confide in family and friends for support so you are not alone in dealing with all this. Reread all the knowledgeable advive in previous comments on your post. You may feel as though you are just going through the motions of everyday life and are numb to everything and totally helpless but this is a normal reaction. Keep busy, act with purpose and don't dwell on the 'if onlys' or try to make sense of it all now. Most of all remember, it was his choice to cheat. You have no responsibility for his actions. He is broken, not you. Willing strength to you OP. Life no doubt is rather scary at the moment but you can do this and once out the other side, there will be happier times ahead.

Thank you.

Yes I’m feeling very numb and today have even forgotten at times, to then get a crushing feeling again when I remember

i just apologised to dc for snapping about dirty washing and dc said back “it’s ok I’m used to you being sad”. Apparently I’m sad that daddy’s not here all the time. Weve still not had chance to tell dc so thinks daddy is working, which really isn’t a change.

How do I tell work people etc? When I get asked if DH is staying out again (as usual!) I’m just saying yes. I want to say we’ve broken up but there’s no chance I can say that without embarrassingly blubbing.

I find normal conversations so hard, like how can you just carry on when my life is falling apart?? Even though they don’t know.