Should I stay with cheating husband

[Crinklecat]

I never thought I’d be in this situation. We’ve been married 14 years, 11 year old dc. My DH cheated on my when I was pregnant/ had a newborn. We separated temporarily but I begged him to come back (mainly for dc). Regretting this decision now.

I am pretty sure he’s cheating on me again including staying at her house (under the pretence of working away). I know I should kick him out but I rely on him financially. We live in a lovely house and have a pony, all of which would have to go. He’s a high earner, my wages don’t even cover the mortgage. Even with child maintenance we won’t be able to afford to stay here.

I feel my situation is lose vs lose. If he leaves I will be heartbroken and also have to find a small house to rent, which will affect dc. If he stays I’m still heartbroken but at least our lives aren’t disrupted too much. He hardly sees dc anyway due to “working” so that isn’t so much of a factor. My dc is sensitive though and I obviously want to do what’s best.

unfortunately I don’t see a split being amicable (i think he’s a narcissist, hence needing constant adoration), when it’s been discussed before he’s said we’d have to sell. With my wages I don’t think I’d get a mortgage so any equity would be gradually spent on rent.

ignoring the self respect aspect I really don’t know what I should do

What if he chooses to leave in 1-mth or 1-year or 3-years? Would you be in the same financial situation but much worse off self esteem and MH wise?

sorry you’re in this position, I can’t help think that if you choose to stay it’s with the proviso that you are planning your exit.

I would not think you unreasonable to stay put in your lovely house to avoid disruption.

Howeever you need to look long term. Could you put up with this in 10-15years when your child is grown up?

In the back of your head you should have in mind that your DH May leave you. So you need to plan what things will put you in a better financial position.

You say you left your career years ago- is there any way of going back to that field of work? I appreciate you might not enter at the same level, but could you work your way up? Or retrain in something different? Start a small business in the evenings?

Well. He now knows that he can do absolutely anything to you, treat you like shit on his shoe, and you'll put up with it. So I would expect his treatment of you to worsen.

If you're staying for the money, then he quite literally has all the power. He won't even have any stake in preserving your feelings for him. So I would expect the dynamic between you to get uglier and uglier.

I would get my ducks in a row. Speak to a solicitor to see if you can stay in the house while your children are young? Knowledge is power.

The house I lived in with my x was objectively much nicer than where I live now. now I live in a 1980s terrace in a private but kinda downmarket estate. It is my home though and I 100% own it. That feels good. Just saying. You're attached to your home because it's your home. That's normal. But you can make another house your home, and it's a great feeling when nothing, not a H losing his job or trying to kick you out of 'his' house can affect your safety in your home.

You can feel safer somewhere else.

And if it's the status that you feel that you will miss then you'll be a better stronger person for pushing through that.

I'm sad for you, it's a horrible situation.
He could quite easily come home any day and say I'm leaving you for the other woman, we need to sell the house.
Equally he could have affair after affair for the next 7-8 years but you'll turn a blind eye to stay in the house, until your son leaves for uni, work or whatever.
Only you can choose what you can put up with.
I would start planning ahead, even in a small way, opening a bank account for myself and saving for the future.

Be aware that he might decide to leave you, and take any money etc.
Do you have joint savings ?
Do you have your wage and child benefit paid into your own account ?

I saw a solicitor, although I’ve not left at this time, and it was very empowering.

Leave him. Do it slowly if you have to. Build up your funds, build up a career, and get out of there. Of course it will disrupt your DC, but do you really want them to grow up in that kind of environment and seeing their parents' relationship the way it is?

I know you see this as lose-lose but it doesn't have to be. If you stay, you KNOW you lose. If you leave, you can make better choices and rebuild your life.

The fact that HE cheated but YOU were the one who begged to reconcile tells you everything you need to know. He doesn't care about you. He'll always play away, no matter what you do. Are you really happy to sleep beside someone who does that?

A lot of women DO stay in bad situations for the money. But that doesn't mean you should. This is your life. Lead your DC by example.

I'm sorry to ask this but have you considered the scenario where if he is indeed cheating as you suspect he is yet again what would happen if he decided to actually leave you for his mistress?

At least go see a solicitor and find out exactly where you stand legally.If your thé resident parent and you've sacrificed your career/earning potential to raise the child then a solicitor would normally push for a 70% share of the house in your favour or potentially push for a order where by you and the children staying in the house until the youngest leaves full time education and your DH would have to continue paying the mortgage;some of these options would give you time to retrain/re-establish your career.

He doesn't have to know you've seen a solicitor and knowing where you stand legally might give you some strength and reassurance here;he doesn't get to cheat on you and leave you feeling powerless.

The he making you think you are going mad is classic gaslighting. Which is very harmful mentally.

I did similar, stayed after first affair as I felt very strongly that why tf must my life now be destroyed because of his actions. I also love my home and I didn't want the DC affected. That lasted for 5 years. Without me realizing, I did the pick me dance and I was the one who kept things going for the next few years.

Fast forward to me finding out about multiple affairs, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I had reached the point. But the affairs were actually the least of the problems... The worst part was the way I had been treated, the gaslighting, the lies, the moods etc etc. It really did a number on me and that part has been the most damaging.

We are divorced now, and the DC and I still live in the same house. The DC didn't get off unscathed mentally though, what they seemed to learn is that is was OK to live walking on eggshells...

And then my dd went into a relationship which was both physically and mentally abusive, but she didn't see it as a problem. That was the slap in the face for me as a mother, as I really felt that I taught her that it was OK to be treated that way iyswim.

It's not straightforward and it's not easy OP, this I know. As others have said, you don't need to decide anything now. But get yourself into a better position for long term. You say you don't have time for xyz, you have to make the time and put it into yourself. We often tend to put others first and realize a bit late thst we have left ourselves vulnerable.

I also placed a high value on material things. But that has changed so much now. We have what we need but tbh, not too much more, but what I am able to do is to sleep well every single night without things playing over and over in my head and trying to work out, did I just forget that he told my xyz, because I really don't remember it. (he hadnt). Or where is he? At work like he says, or not really.... Is that perfume I smell?

You can play him at his own game OP. Stash away what you can, don't believe much he tells you... Elevate yourself but keep your reasons to yourself.

🌻

Can I also suggest you strengthen your child's financial position. Does he pay max into his junior isa each year? Does he have a fund for uni? Get as much from him as you can, he may be more willing to invest in his child.

Powerful post

@Crinklecat I would stay for the interim and get my salary up and filter off money. But long term you have to leave imho as your son will start to learn these behaviors - that is why I finally left.
I know you love your house but your home is where you and your son are. All the chaos swirling around in your head will drive you crazy. The ability to shut that front door to your own house is unmeasurable.

Be proactive and prepared. See a solicitor, he doesn't have to know.

Develop a taste for long heavy gold chains. Gold holds it value at the pawnbrokers. Fancy stones in rings do not.
I really hope you have great contraception and a bank account of your own. Cash back every shopping trip. Look up online the dc maintenance due. Delete the search history. If your name is on a credit card then get that debt to zero. Basicaly I am advising a secret fund.
If he gets his head turned or things go nasty quickly, say, he clears the joint account, you need a back up. If dc have passports make sure you know exactly where they are at all times.
Do not trust him to be decent about money.
Sorry you are facing this. I hope you get what is best for you and your dc. xx

It depends if you are willing to sacrifice your dignity for your lifestyle.

You have to have a determined mind set that his dalliances with other women are not going to bother you and that you are not going to take issue with him and will allow him to do as he pleases in return for your lifestyle.

If you don't have that strong mindset and your emotions get in the way you will have a life of misery and be ground down.

This is one of those situations where the advice I'd give a friend is to run for the hills but what I'd do myself would be quite different. With low earning potential I'd get him to fund a degree in a field I'd enjoy and would set me up with a decent career for life then leave him later.

I guess it depends on whether you'd be financially screwed if you left or just ok. If you'd be ok I'd say leave for your emotional well being

He might initiate a split.

You need a plan for many scenerios.

Children need mums first and foremost. A house is just a house if the people inside it aren't happy it's not a home.

And it's likely he will be advised to keep paying for the pony as in why should your child lose their pony because their parents split.

You also need his pension info . as this is where the money normally is.
and as @frozendaisy says - what would you advise your friend to do if she was in this situation. When I looked at my situation from that angle I was able to move forward.

He is being very very cruel. I truly understand your predicament but if you stay, it will destroy you.

You’d be entitled to at least half of any assets (house equity, savings, pension etc) and vice versa. Do you have any idea what he has saved? if you begin to squirrel money away he is also entitled to this in any divorce as you are supposed to disclose it all.

Thank you everyone.

we have totally joint finances (as far as im aware) and there is no savings. He feels he should be able to spend in a way that reflects his salary, despite the fact we overspent for years so have debt (which is gradually decreasing)

I am not happy with the affair no. Im totally heartbroken and finding myself obsessing over where he is/ what he’s doing, without questioning him too much because then he threatens to leave me. Yes you are all correct that he could follow through any day.

I just feel that I would never be happy so at least not having to worry about money is 1 less strain.

I think he is staying with her again tonight. I know the location and am so tempted to drive there and confront him, but I know there is no point and it won’t end well. I just don’t have the strength to go through a messy divorce (which 100% he would make it).

i did contact a solicitor the other day but all appointments are when I’m at work so I won’t be able to speak to them for a few weeks at least

Typical response from a cheater. You need to leave him but on your own terms. Do you have access to a joint account or is he doing the typical giving you an allowance? You need to start stashing away money so you have some level of financial security when you leave.

Don’t engage with him about his affair, this will just feed into his narcissism.

weve got joint accounts (stems from when I was the highest earner), I know it would be wise to stash money but it would all be split in the divorce so I’m not sure it’s worth it. Just because he’s being dishonest I don’t want to be too

No way would I let a man mug me off for a nice house and a pony.

I was wealthy when I was married.

It was miserable.

yes all finances are split in a divorce but stash cash away somewhere he cant find it,
At time od divorce/split you will probable have spent it on solicitors etc

every little amount helps