Should I stay with cheating husband

[Crinklecat]

I never thought I’d be in this situation. We’ve been married 14 years, 11 year old dc. My DH cheated on my when I was pregnant/ had a newborn. We separated temporarily but I begged him to come back (mainly for dc). Regretting this decision now.

I am pretty sure he’s cheating on me again including staying at her house (under the pretence of working away). I know I should kick him out but I rely on him financially. We live in a lovely house and have a pony, all of which would have to go. He’s a high earner, my wages don’t even cover the mortgage. Even with child maintenance we won’t be able to afford to stay here.

I feel my situation is lose vs lose. If he leaves I will be heartbroken and also have to find a small house to rent, which will affect dc. If he stays I’m still heartbroken but at least our lives aren’t disrupted too much. He hardly sees dc anyway due to “working” so that isn’t so much of a factor. My dc is sensitive though and I obviously want to do what’s best.

unfortunately I don’t see a split being amicable (i think he’s a narcissist, hence needing constant adoration), when it’s been discussed before he’s said we’d have to sell. With my wages I don’t think I’d get a mortgage so any equity would be gradually spent on rent.

ignoring the self respect aspect I really don’t know what I should do

When people say ‘get a lover’ - how does one go about that? It’s not something you can just pick up shopping?

Yes I’m not finding those comments too helpful. It’s the last thing I can think of right now

How do I tell work people etc?
No need to until you are ready to.
It might, eg, take the form of submitting a leave request for some days off to sort out logistics/appointments/house move/whatever ... & then telling just one relevant/trusty person at work the reason why you are managing some disruption in your home life.
Once you done that, just the one time, to one person, it gets easier. Because you then realise that other people aren't shocked or horrified or embarrassed by your news - just sad that it's happening, & glad that you are moving forward with managing it. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce, you won't encounter a person who hasn't lived an unfortunate divorce experience at either 1st ot 2nd hand.

When I get asked if DH is staying out again (as usual!) I’m just saying yes. I want to say we’ve broken up but there’s no chance I can say that without embarrassingly blubbing.
See above - people will be fine with a little tearing up, & you will develop strategies to minimise your own emotional response. Nobody can prescribe this for you! - so listen to yourself, don't be shy to practice words out loud to yourself when you have time & space with nobody to overhear, & remember that NOBODY worth your time is going to blame you for a damp eye.

fwiw - I found sympathy quite hard to deal with, especially in the workplace, so developed a sense of gallows humour, which staved off the feeling of wanting to weep because of other people's kindness. ("if only my ex-H had had an ounce of this person's kindness & empathy, I wouldn't have needed to leave the life-threatening bastard" feelings were hard to deal with under the gaze of other people, for example.)
That might not be for you, but you will find a strategy that suits your personality.

With your friends - choose your most trusted, & they will also do the work for you if you ask them to, so that you don't need to "inform" acquaintances.
Every time you talk about it, the next is slightly less daunting, & eventually you learn to sort of present a short narrative without it kicking you in the guts.
Hope that makes sense OP. I've had a beer with a chum & may be .. rabbiting on a bit.

Open your door, or an app, and literally trip over the abundance of males looking a shag, cock is abundant and of low value.

Thank you for all your help. We split up. DC obviously crushed but slowly getting used to it (I hope). On the whole I’d say life is better as Im not treading on eggshells but it’s still very hard. I’m very good at burying my feelings (as Is DC unfortunately). That book someone recommended (sorry don’t know who) was brilliant. I’ve not read it all but the start I read changed my thinking completely. I now feel sorry for him as I think In future I may have a successful relationship but I know DH won’t, he’ll always want more.

Wishing I’d been more sympathetic to single friends in the past as finding it hard when people moan about DH not being around when I do it all 99% of the time.

Hello again Crinklecat
Well done. The absence of eggshells means you can start healing. Am so pleased to you & DC - yes, it will take some adjustment, but you can now enjoy a happier home without worrying about what DH is up to or how he is acting out under your roof.

Well done OP. I've been where you are now and trust me, life will keep on getting better and better.

Painful now, yes, but so, so worth it in the end.

It's soul-destroying, but on balance for now, better to stay. Immeasurably better for DC, for sure.

Stay until DC older.

And quietly do your own thing.

Better to have money, house and pony, if he behaves generally ok towards you.

Losing home, money, and pony (I know about this), is deeply traumatic and damaging in a different way.

So I'd stay. For now.

Read the update before commenting @MrsClarkandPercy