Should I stay with cheating husband

[Crinklecat]

I never thought I’d be in this situation. We’ve been married 14 years, 11 year old dc. My DH cheated on my when I was pregnant/ had a newborn. We separated temporarily but I begged him to come back (mainly for dc). Regretting this decision now.

I am pretty sure he’s cheating on me again including staying at her house (under the pretence of working away). I know I should kick him out but I rely on him financially. We live in a lovely house and have a pony, all of which would have to go. He’s a high earner, my wages don’t even cover the mortgage. Even with child maintenance we won’t be able to afford to stay here.

I feel my situation is lose vs lose. If he leaves I will be heartbroken and also have to find a small house to rent, which will affect dc. If he stays I’m still heartbroken but at least our lives aren’t disrupted too much. He hardly sees dc anyway due to “working” so that isn’t so much of a factor. My dc is sensitive though and I obviously want to do what’s best.

unfortunately I don’t see a split being amicable (i think he’s a narcissist, hence needing constant adoration), when it’s been discussed before he’s said we’d have to sell. With my wages I don’t think I’d get a mortgage so any equity would be gradually spent on rent.

ignoring the self respect aspect I really don’t know what I should do

I bought all food and petrol from Tesco and Sainsbury’s, and saved the points up.
I started saving change in a tin as you can pay with coins at Morrisons. All ways of saving money that he won’t touch.

OP, I really feel for you. I also REALLY understand as there are many similarities between our situations.

My husband has continued his affair despite promising many times that it was over and there was no contact. I 'knew' that he was still seeing her but for some reason buried my head in the sand.

Like you, we have a lovely lifestyle with a lovely house, private school, nice cars etc. I was also a SAHM and gave up my career. The one good thing I did when I found out the first time was to go back to work. It was good for my self esteem and means I knew I could be independent if required. I don't earn what he earns but I'm lucky to have a decent salary. It was the best thing I did and I would suggest you do the same even if it means spending most of your income on childcare.

The problem is that once they know you'll stay and are worried that they will leave, the power is back with them and they have little incentive to end things. My husband genuinely wants both his family and his mistress and I think he believes he deserves both. I've spent years thinking that I'm better staying so that the children and I can maintain our lifestyle and that I need to switch off from worrying about where he is BUT I can't. It has eaten away at me and I know that I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I don't deserve it and I would be horrified if my daughter did the same.

And the fact is that if he really loved me he wouldn't have treated me the way he has. My heart breaks for my children but I'm trying very hard to look forward and focus on having a happier life in which I can sleep at night without worrying about where he is or who he is texting.

I think the point others have made about not knowing when he might finally leave is also very true. You could give up the next however many years and he could leave anyway. Better to take control and do it on your terms I think.

It's so bloody hard and only you know when you've reached your limit...

If he's constantly threatening to leave if you say anything at all about it and you want to drive over to confront him at her house - I'm sorry OP but this marriage is in its death throes.
I realise you don't want to lose your house and comfortable life but living with this uncertainty is going to affect your mental health deeply.

Buy a tesco card and put another 10-15 on it every ten days or so. Who'd notice that but by the time you leave, it'll keep you going for a while.

If he leaves I will be heartbroken living authentically without a cheating scumbag and also being a good role model for my child and also have to find a small house to rent, which will affect be far better for dc than living with a father who does not respect the mother of his child, seeing appalling behaviour and having a pony.

You are being controlled and he has you by the short and curlies. He is no doubt spending your family money on his mistress, so you are entitled to stash a bit aside. Get cash back when paying for shopping, £20 here and there adds up.

Please stop thinking about honesty, fairness etc on divorce as he certainly doesn't care for you and won't change. You will be entitled to far more of the settlement as have care of your DC and half his pension may buy you a small property.

His conduct is degrading, humiliating and you deserve so much more. Do not settle for a material possession instead of piece of mind. Yes he is cheating and at the intense stage of the affair hence the threats to leave if you question him. His gaslighting and stonewalling will wear you down and is abuse at its worst. Tell him you know and burst his bubble. Much if the excitement will dissipate as affairs are all about power and secrecy. Please kick him out, tell him to move in with her and insist on a legal separation at least. He is not going to change his behaviour as he's got away with it before without any penalties. You need to grab the power back. Think of yourself and future without this tosser. . An unhappy house where you are always treading on eggshells, dancing to his tune, never sure of your reality is not a happy home. Please don't do the pick me dance and get emotional etc. He currently is prioritising his affair over your feelings so will not even be listening. Try to grey rock him and do the 180° it will help ground you and restore confidence which you need to deal with him effectively.

Please read/ download 'Leave a Cheater Gain a Life'

In a nutshell, this is accurate.

He is waiting until your DC is 18 and then he will leave you. With nothing.
Kick him out now while you have the opportunity of keeping your home as part of the divorce settlement.

Exactly this, raise your Barr OP, kick him out and claim Child Maintenance and everything else you can. He cheated, what message does that send out to your children if you stay?

You don't have to stay rooted to the spot - geographically, or careerwise.

How much of not wishing to "disrupt" DC is you being - understandably - in denial about making a big change, do you think? DC is not witnessing a loving marriage, seems to spend minimal time with their dad despite currently sharing a roof, & isn't getting a fulfilled, independent woman for a mother. All these things are as important as a lovely house & a pony - but only you can weigh up what matters most to you NOW, & what will serve you & DC best medium-long term.

Frankly, getting your career back on track would be the best thing you can do FOR YOU. You will be able to make your own choices without being hamstrung by someone else controlling the finances. Have a cold hard look at how much equity is available - don't guess, consult an agent for a valuation, & talk to the mortgage provider. Obviously you need to do that secretly: ditto consulting a lawyer to establish what you could expect to come away with - & that means you need to gather/copy all the asset documentation - savings, extra bank accounts, pensions - everything.

That would at least put you in a position where you can decide who is going to be in the driving seat of your own life. And by moving away to re-establish your career, you'd get a fresh start, would not have to look over your shoulder at your old house, & can consider a less expensive area for buying your own property.

all our friends are here, dC would have to move schools and I would have no one. I really want to avoid that at all costs, but then I can’t afford to buy here, I’ve done the maths and even if I get the majority, with the small mortgage I would be able to get (it even approved) wouldn’t even get me a 2 bed. I’m at least £150k short. And that’s not being fussy, that’s for the most basic 2 bed. I struggle to juggle logistics enough at the moment and adding a commute would break me.

unfortunately this behaviour (not the cheating) has been going on for years so I’m already worn down, I never thought I would be here while my husband is staying at someone else’s house without kicking him out. I really don’t know how I’ve ended up here but I don’t have the strength to change it. If he came home now and cuddled me, I’d take it, probably beg for it to be honest. This is the hardest thing I’ve done

I don’t want to tell anyone what he’s doing, it feels like a failure/ shame on my part. I know he will turn it around to mutual friends and it’ll look like it’s my fault

Don't forget that his pension counts in a divorce too so you might get more equity/money in a divorce than you think. If he's a high earner he should be making decent pension contributions even if he's not making other savings.

And if he barely sees DC you should be able to argue just EOW access for him so you get decent child maintenance.

hes only been a high earner the last couple of years and doesn’t have an additional pension so there wouldn’t be much in there unfortunately.

yes I would expect EOW, maybe 1 night in the week but I don’t think he’d be able to commit to that consistently

his career/ ego is more important to him than anything

we have a lot of commitments together over the next few months with friends (with dc and without) including a holiday and I really don’t want to let people down. He won’t care so I feel I need to hold things together until at least after the summer. But all I want to do is confront him and ask who lives at the address he’s staying at. He will turn it around and insist it’s a friend and I’m being paranoid. I will have no way to prove it and know I’ll end up questioning myself. He can lie to your face no issues

This man is unsafe for you. He's putting your sexual, mental, emotional and physical self at risk. He's abusing you.

He is currently involved in an affair and not even covering it up.

Some women do stay under these circumstances, I had a friend who did but she was hard-faced and driven by what she felt was best for her children and herself financially. I admired her, but I know that I could not have made that choice. It would have utterly broken me.

I honestly think reading more of your posts that you wouldn't be able to do either it will break you. You're skirting round the houses, finding excuses, you seem almost rooted to the spot in fear.

But you are not powerless. I agree to reading 'leave a cheater, gain a life', it's a great book. You need a long term strategy if you really feel unready to leave now. Counselling is a must, shore yourself up, Google '180 surviving infidelity' that's a strategy for getting space and perspective by switching off from the cheat and their bs.

You've said that you agree your main worry is what your DC is witnessing, so go from there and create a clear plan to get away from this toxic dynamic.

I was cheated on and the thought of knowing he was staying with her but pretending not to just makes me sick to my stomach, I know the anxiety you must be feeling.

It doesn’t matter who it is, the marriage is over anyway. It’s just a matter of how long you will continue to live together.
You say you can’t afford to end it, but he might end it, and then you’re stuffed.

I know you’re all right but I really want to bury my head in the sand for as long as I can.

I think my dc is less affected now as I am just carrying on. If we split officially I’m sure I won’t cope and most likely will end up depressed again, that with having to move and reduce dc lifestyle is surely worse for him? I also feel any future relationship I was to have would most likely be toxic too as I don’t think I’m easy to live with and obviously can’t set boundaries

To be honest all I want is for him to realise he’s happier with us and to stay

I don't say LTB because I don't believe this can happen, I'm reconciled after an affair myself.
But you can not reason with an active cheater. You just can't. And you can't wait for them to 'wake up'. He will continue this for as long as he thinks you both will allow it. Believe you and me she will be encouraging him to leave you. You can't stay in this stagnated position as a bit part to their 'romance' (and I say that with a huge eye roll).

You have to take your personal agency back. You seem to just find any excuse to stay, arguably your mental health will be damaged far more irrevocably when you are being broken down like this every day.

I'm not saying leave now, but plan, and get some distance. He's not the father you want for your child and your boy is watching, even at a very young age.

He's not the father you want for your child and your boy is watching, even at a very young age.

Sorry I should have said he's not modelling the father figure your child should be seeing, and your DC is watching.

How many nights a week does he 'work away'?

What were you wanting from the thread? You say you want to keep burying your head in the sand and keep making excuses about why you will tolerate being treated like shit, so ....

Get regular STD checks if you're still shagging this specimen. And you need to get a decent job again, your excuses won't put food in your mouth when he decides to dump you.

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What you want re him is not going to happen, that wish is only for your own self. Please do not continue to bury your head in the sand as that will do you no favours.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really what you want to teach them, that a loveless and or otherwise miserable marriage is their norm too?. You’re showing them that currently at least, this is still acceptable to you.

He would rather have an emotionally happy mother than a pony and particularly a mother who is not fully available to him because you are constantly emotionally preoccupied and otherwise absent. Your child knows more too that you or his dad care to realise. Teach him better lessons on relationships rather than the shit sandwich you’re both serving up now.