Should I stay with cheating husband

[Crinklecat]

I never thought I’d be in this situation. We’ve been married 14 years, 11 year old dc. My DH cheated on my when I was pregnant/ had a newborn. We separated temporarily but I begged him to come back (mainly for dc). Regretting this decision now.

I am pretty sure he’s cheating on me again including staying at her house (under the pretence of working away). I know I should kick him out but I rely on him financially. We live in a lovely house and have a pony, all of which would have to go. He’s a high earner, my wages don’t even cover the mortgage. Even with child maintenance we won’t be able to afford to stay here.

I feel my situation is lose vs lose. If he leaves I will be heartbroken and also have to find a small house to rent, which will affect dc. If he stays I’m still heartbroken but at least our lives aren’t disrupted too much. He hardly sees dc anyway due to “working” so that isn’t so much of a factor. My dc is sensitive though and I obviously want to do what’s best.

unfortunately I don’t see a split being amicable (i think he’s a narcissist, hence needing constant adoration), when it’s been discussed before he’s said we’d have to sell. With my wages I don’t think I’d get a mortgage so any equity would be gradually spent on rent.

ignoring the self respect aspect I really don’t know what I should do

Whilst I have empathy for you, this is totally pathetic. It makes you look like a worm wriggling around for crumbs from a worthless bully who is enjoying the power and control he has over you, and who really appears not to care a fig for his child. For heavens' sake get some self respect. I mean that in a good way. Freedom programme for a kick-off.

I've read through your posts (quickly, I need to get off to work!) but WHAT ON EARTH IS ATTRACTIVE ABOUT HIM? Is this another "but I love him" excuses? What are his good points other than the house/pony/lifestyle? Can you think of any? Not that all of them added together justify you staying with him to have your self esteem shredded and your child damaged, but what is the attraction? Really?

Depends whays more important to you - the money and the lifestyle he provides or the infidelity?

Why do you think he needs to cheat to get constant adoration? In a healthy relationship you'd be getting that exclusively from one another. He might be a cheating bastard, but doesn't mean he's a narcissist, which seems to be a very over used term.

"I don’t want to tell anyone what he’s doing, it feels like a failure/ shame on my part. I know he will turn it around to mutual friends and it’ll look like it’s my fault"

His choice to cheat whilst gaslighting, controlling and manipulating you is down to him! Nothing to do with you. Some of the most beautiful, intelligent, loving, perfect mothers and partners out there have been cheated on by low life men lacking in integrity. You are worth far more.

I understand your shame. Those of us who have been cheated on have felt every single feeling you are expressing. It’s really not about the person you are it’s the person they are. You need to find family and friends to support you.

I refused to hide from others what OH was up to, much to his annoyance. It was on him to explain his shameful conduct and believe it or not this was a turning point that brought about some realization for him. Affairs only flourish with secrecy. Brought into the open they lose the excitement and those doing the cheating are seen for who they are. When our good friends called round and asked us out for dinner the following Friday, OH made excuses sayings he was working too late to make it. I calmly replied "I'd love to go for a meal but XXX isn't really working late, its just the night he's planning to shg his whre from XXXX (local village). I refused to be complicit in his lies, conduct and deceit.

Challenge your OH on his cake eating. What you allow continues" as the saying goes. Do not give him a free ticket to continue to abuse you emotionally and sexually. Sadly I suspect you are still trying to do pirouettes in the bedroom to win him back (would you really give sexual consent if he has been sticking it in another woman as well as you?) Insist he cares for your DC whilst you get the whole spectrum of STD tests.

Ask him to move into another bedroom. Stop doing wifely domestic duties. Please say you are not ironing his shirts, doing his washing and putting a meal on the table for him at night? Stop burying your head in the sand and trying to be the perfect wife in the hope he will end this affair. NONE OF THAT WORKS AND THE AFFAIR WILL JUST CONTINUE.

You need to change course, stand your ground, do the 180 ( worthofmysoul.com/how-and-why-to-do-a-180/ )

It really works. Please rally up the strength and find your self esteem and anger OP. I feel your deep pain as one who has been there. You will get through it.

What if he ends up leaving for the other woman?

You'll still lose. Only you'll have the humiliation added of being the one dumped.

Get your ducks in a row and then end the marriage. You'll be prepared better instead of caught out by him doing it first.

all our friends are here, dC would have to move schools and I would have no one. I really want to avoid that at all costs, but then I can’t afford to buy here, I’ve done the maths and even if I get the majority, with the small mortgage I would be able to get (it even approved) wouldn’t even get me a 2 bed. I’m at least £150k short. And that’s not being fussy, that’s for the most basic 2 bed. I struggle to juggle logistics enough at the moment and adding a commute would break me.
And I want to live on a 30 acre spread with horses, a pack of dogs, & a personal chef.
However I cannot afford to, so I & live in a cheap, remote, rural area, in a house I can just about afford, with a dog I can walk straight out of the door with into the miles & miles of countryside & solitude.
It's a good compromise.
You want to remain in your lovely house, keep DC's pony, stay close to your friendship group & DC's school, & have your H stop cheating & love you.
Unfortunately, that is not possible.
You cannot have it, & it is not in your control to force it to happen.
So YOU need to compromise.
and adding a commute would break me.
Come on, OP - brace up. Before you got broken by your cheat, you were a career woman. When you & your cheat eventually split (he will divorce you when DC turns 18 if you don't get in first btw - it's better business sense for him, no?) you will not be keeping your 'little job'. It doesn't pay you enough, it's not going to satisfy you long term, & you have already said that you'd need to relocate to chase back your old career.
So moving away but keeping the same 'little job' is a nonsense, & you know this really. Why would you relocate, them commute back for a job, when by relocating you can restart your ACTUAL CAREER?
You are thinking small because he has made you small.
Your years of deferring to a cheat have compromised you self-esteem very badly, but only YOU can redress that.
I know you are not ready to LTB. You are not even quite ready to start planning - because you are still stuck in fear & paralysis caused by your perceived impotence. You are not impotent. You had a career, you can get it back & not let it be yet another thing your H has robbed you of. You have a child you want to model excellent parenting & adulting to. And you need to do these things for YOU, too.

unfortunately this behaviour (not the cheating) has been going on for years so I’m already worn down, I never thought I would be here while my husband is staying at someone else’s house without kicking him out. I really don’t know how I’ve ended up here but I don’t have the strength to change it. If he came home now and cuddled me, I’d take it, probably beg for it to be honest. This is the hardest thing I’ve done
Take a breath.
You don't need to do this all at once.
It's a long road, & I suggest you start by finding a counsellor or therapist.
You need to start building up a Team You.
Eventually, this will comprise a lawyer, career coach/mentor, new friends & old, a mortgage broker/financial advisor. But right now, as you are not ready to open up to these people - even your own good friends - you need somebody safe to confide in who will help you see past your own mental blocks.

I don’t want to tell anyone what he’s doing, it feels like a failure/ shame on my part. I know he will turn it around to mutual friends and it’ll look like it’s my fault
Stop catastrophising. This is exactly the kind of issue you need counselling to deal with.
Find a therapist, & while you do - get to know the incomparable ChumpLady. Have a good long noodle round her site. She is amazingly helpful, & as a bonus, funny AF with it.
www.chumplady.com/2022/06/ubt-he-hurt-you-not-me/

Read up on how abusers operate & keep getting away with it -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

One day at a time OP. One step at a time. You need to rebuild your self-confidence, & staying in that marriage is only going to continue to destroy it.

Sorry OP but you are going to have to find a backbone somehow...it's fucking horrible but burying your head is a huge mistake. You need to start planning even if your head is spinning. Start with small things and build yourself up from that. Grit your teeth and start building up your defences even if remaining the same outwardly. This man is shit - you can't change that and he's not going to come back to you - face it. What you can do is focus on yourself and your DC - plan for a future without him and be quiet but ruthless.

You don't HAVE to do anything right now OP. My mother ignored all of my stepfathers affairs so she could have a nice life. She's never worked. Now they are retired and he is too unwell to play away she has a very comfortable life indeed and wants for nothing.
Personally I'd be off like a greyhound after a rabbit but then I have my own home and a good career and pension so I can do what I want. When my ex left he was the one with no income, home or say in what happened. He certainly regrets leaving in a huff.
I think what I would do for starters is ignore him and his affairs, retrain, do a degree, whatever it takes to get a career started, make sure you have all the evidence about your finances that you need, have the documents copied and stored out of the house.
Once you are earning decent money then maybe consider where you want this to go.

Shop twice a week. Every time you shop get £50 cashback. Save this money. You will be saving £400 per week. Hide it. Don't put in bank or you will have to declare it on a form at divorce. That will be £4800 per year. You might be able to cream some more off if you have access to joint account. If he asks about spending more money, blame cost of living increase. If you can tolerate him for another couple of years you would have £10k to start you off. You would get at least half of equity. Half of joint pensions. You might be able to trade larger share of equity in exchange for lower pension. He would have to maintain children. If you divorce whilst children are school aged you tend to get a better deal. I would LTB.

Despite my successful career I had to retrain in my 40's after a serious injury. I now have another and better successful career.
You can do anything if you put your mind to it.
If you do decide to stay for a while until you are sorted you will need to lock your heart away and use your head instead - use him to get what you want, and then dump him when you have it. Grow a thicker skin.
Men are not worth getting emotional about.

Solicitor, asap. If he’s a high earner and there’s enough money to go around and house everyone, then you may well be able to work the finances to be able to stay in the family home. Family court’s main concerns are ‘fairness’ and the welfare of any DC, 14 years is considered a ‘long marriage’.
He doesn’t get to arbitrarily decide you’ll be selling the house.

For the love of the gods, don’t stay with this utter fuck-nugget for your comfy lifestyle - it’ll eat away at your self esteem and sense of identity until you don’t even recognise yourself. No amount of nice houses and ponies are worth that - been there, got the t-shirt.

If you stay make sure you are paying as much into a pension as you can getting him to contribute given you have given up your career. I didn’t rely on exH financially but did for help with dc and this led me to stay too long. The home atmosphere did have negative effect on dc. What I regret most is exposing them to ex’s poor treatment of me. When your teen boy talks down to you like he’s learnt from his father that is 1000% times worse than losing a house or a pony. I felt like ds had been damaged for life and it would affect all his relationships, we had trained him to be a bully. Thankfully I think I have turned it around as a single parent now my parenting isn’t being undermined. A pony is not going to make up for not teaching your child what a healthy relationship looks like. If you only have one dc you only need a 2 bed. You can even look at shared ownership where you have the ability to eventually buy 100% which should be possible as you will get decent child maintenance if he’s a high earner. You may even get some UC depending on your wage. It also makes sense if it’s going to end to do it before the exam years. Loads of DC move schools up to year 9. After that it gets harder. Live near work and school so no need for childcare or school runs. If you stay you will have no control over your own life, he holds all the power.

I have a relative who stayed with a shit bloke for the lifestyle and ponies, under the pretence of ‘for the kids’. Kids are now screwed up adults, mother is drinking herself to death, but at least the house looks pretty.

I would go to citizens advice or a solicitor. I think you may be entitled to stay in the property until the youngest is 18. I would have a think about retraining and making a life for myself. You deserve to be happy!

Ive confronted him. It’s over

I'm really sorry, op. Not that it wasn't the right decision, but you must be reeling! Hope you are doing okay.

Leave, you will happier in a small house with your self respect and dignity intact.

I'm so so sorry @Crinklecat.

There is so much good advice in this thread.

Please read the links posted, the books suggested.

You can do this. I know you'll feel crushed right now but it's time to put yourself in the driving seat of your life.

So he admitted it ?

I know it feels like the worst thing right now, but that's normal. You've spent a lot of time together.

But things change, life moves on. It WILL get easier.

Please trust in yourself that you did the right thing. You deserve to know the situation, he owes you honesty if nothing else.

You will survive. You're capable. Your child will mature and will see you had no choice. Things will get better.

Stay strong for your child and for yourself 💙

I know it's horrific and you'll be devastated this evening but if he can't or won't show you even a little respect then it's better that it's over.

Sort your own life out now. What is best for him doesn't come into it although if your marriage was anything like mine then that will come as a shock to him. Taking responsibility for your own life is hard when you have been used to taking a back seat but you can do it. When a ship sinks, you have three options - sink, swim or be the captain.

Be the bloody captain, OP. Don't think that your life is over - it really needn't be.

Get a lawyers appointment, plan your exit from the marriage, start planning emotionally now, a lawyer will advise as to how much maintenance you are entitled to and housing/asset split for the remainder of dc childhood and uni if they go. Get out asap. If this was your last year on earth would you want your life to be this? Do you want your kids to copy you or respect you for the strong woman you can be.

No he’s not admitted it, still standing by his lies even when faced with the facts.

I’ve ordered the book recommended.

he’s here tonight (but in the spare room), bloody typical he’s been around more today/ tonight than he has been in a long time. I just hope I stay strong and don’t go begging.

this is awful. I feel numb but heartbroken and overwhelmed. I’m hoping he doesn’t make this any harder than it already is

Stay strong OP and STAND YOUR GROUND. He will be waiting for you to weaken, give in and be desperate to kiss and make up. I packed and threw all his clothing at OW's and went no contact. He was gobsmacked but nothing less than he deserved. You are a strong woman and one day will have a much happier life free from his shitty conduct.

Time to train up and prepare for life without him it's very likely he will leave you for someone else at some point.