Boyfriend made me shower before bed.

[SilentG1]

Not sure what to think of this one.
We spent the day out in the city and got in at 10pm or so. I was staying at his and when we got home he told me that I couldn't sleep in his bed unless I showered and washed my hair as he had clean sheets and we had been on the tube/ public transport etc and it was disgusting to go to bed without washing after being out in town all day.
I washed and styled my hair that morning only 12 hours before! I have long boob length hair that takes bloody ages to dry and style and once I've done this I don't usually go through the hassle of washing it again for another few days!
When I told him this he said I would therefore have to sleep in his spare room!
In the end he "let" me stay in his bed as long as I showered even if hair wasn't washed.
Is this controlling or reasonable if its his place, therefore being able to dictate?

No shoes indoors and outside clothes should be removed immediately upon returning home

But ...why?? What do you think will happen? What do you do when a mate pops over for dinner, do they have to get undressed?

Are you the OP's boyfriend's mother by any chance? That is actually a bit batshit.

I see no issues here. Think it's a bit embarrassing that as an adult you had to be told to wash...

Probably wouldn't have washed my hair but definitely showered.

Also don't like allow kids or dh to sit on beds with outside clothes on

Showering maybe not so bad but expecting you to wash your hair is (especially if it was me cos I have ridiculously thick hair that could take 2 hours to dry)

And yes it does seem strange @Why2why because it is strange.
The shoe thing fair enough that’s very normal, but clothes ???

But it's his house, and his bed, and his sheets.

Why does he have to be OK with someone insisting on sleeping in them unwashed and gross?

Mine would close if someone got into my bed after being out in a city all day and didn't shower. Eww.

@pawpatrol1 But she didn’t have to be told. He took it upon himself to tell her what to do, because he’s clearly got issues and is controlling. She only showered a few hours ago and hadn’t been mud wrestling.

No shoes indoors and outside clothes should be removed immediately upon returning home

I do this too, think it’s mainly a black thing tbh. Every African & West Indian that I know does this. Especially removing your outside clothes and putting on house clothes for when you sit down on your bed or sofa

This. What a complete and utter turnoff.

Honestly, life is too short for others to be dictating when you should shower.

Think about your future with that man. Would you ever be able to travel together, or do his hangups mean he thinks the world is a filthy place so he can’t go anywhere adventurous/exotic/interesting?

What if you renovated your house together, could he put up with the dust and filth?

Also, what’s the big deal with “clean sheets”, we change sheets every week so they’re always clean. What’s so special about his sheets?

Jeez.

Because the OP is his GIRLFRIEND! FFS!

I used to know a woman who dated a bloke for a few weeks, and the first time they shagged (no foreplay or anything and really quick she said,) he bolted to the bathroom. She caught him disinfecting his cock in savlon! THAT didn't last long. What the OP's boyfriend is doing is fucking insulting and controlling.

I couldn’t go to bed without showering.

@Why2why what do you do if you need to leave the house more than once? Today I went to local shop around 9, then home then left again at 11 for an appointment then home then out for a walk around 4 then home. Do you get changed out of your clothes after every outing and then changed again? Do you get dressed in the same ‘outdoor’ clothes or new clothes each time? If a friend comes home with you do you make them strip and bring a change of clothes? Are your children allowed friends home and do you expect them to change clothes then change back if they’re going to a shop then change again??? Absolutely bonkers way to live.

Common in lots of Asia too, and also quite common in Spain. I have always changed into 'inside' clothes as soon as I got home. Usually joggers or leggings and an oversized T-shirt or hoodie. Would never wear shoes indoors.

How long have you been together and is this a problem that's gotten worse?

Is this the only way he's 'controlling' ?

Is there a possibility that he's in any way neurodivergent or has OCD (particularly contamination OCD) ?

This would be a dealbreaker for me, OP. I shower every morning and would in the evening too if I'd got either dirty or very hot during the day. But my god, being told I couldn't sleep with him unless I'd showered and washed my hair? No thanks. He could sleep alone permanently as far as I was concerned.

So?

If he wouldn't go to sleep in his own bed without showering, why should he be OK with someone else doing it?

I would probably resist the urge to demand someone showered before bed but I wouldn't be very happy about it.

London has been absolutely manky and boiling the past few days. I was out in central London late afternoon and evening and was sweating despite wearing a t-shirt. I would have felt so gross just getting into bed without a shower.

I have insisted my boyfriend showers before bed if in London all day - and I do the same! I hate the idea of getting into a clean bed after being on the tube etc!

excellent.

I wouldn't be with someone like this. Up to you OP whether you are prepared to tolerate it in a relationship. Anyone who told me I had to sleep in another bed because I wouldn't wash my hair would be deeply deeply unattractive to me.

Each to her own but also bit bemused by all of the posters who think it is perfectly reasonable to expect a full shower and hair wash because you were in the city. It isn't exactly like going into dickensian London with the mills operating at full blast with soot everywhere is it? It is just being out and about.

She did have to be told because she obviously thought/thinks its okay to get in someone's clean bed whilst smelling frowsy.

Once asked or 'told' there shouldn't have been a discussion or excuses of being tired why you can't have a quick wash

And same rule for partner that goes out drinking. I don't want to smell alcohol on your breath 🤮

purplebutterflywings

What the OP's boyfriend is doing is fucking insulting and controlling.

@pixie5121

So?

Wow, you're a peach aren't you. PLEASE tell me you don't have daughters!

Once asked or 'told' there shouldn't have been a discussion or excuses of being tired why you can't have a quick wash

Why isn't it ok to discuss with your partner when they ask you to do something you don't want to do? I understand that it's his house, but that doesn't mean he just gets to issue orders about what OP does with her own body.

It might not be controlling behaviour per se but he certainly has some OCD issues with dirt and the great unwashed public. Can you live with that? I know I probably couldn't, at least not at this stage of a relationship.