Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend made me shower before bed.

600 replies

SilentG1 · 14/06/2022 22:40

Not sure what to think of this one.
We spent the day out in the city and got in at 10pm or so. I was staying at his and when we got home he told me that I couldn't sleep in his bed unless I showered and washed my hair as he had clean sheets and we had been on the tube/ public transport etc and it was disgusting to go to bed without washing after being out in town all day.
I washed and styled my hair that morning only 12 hours before! I have long boob length hair that takes bloody ages to dry and style and once I've done this I don't usually go through the hassle of washing it again for another few days!
When I told him this he said I would therefore have to sleep in his spare room!
In the end he "let" me stay in his bed as long as I showered even if hair wasn't washed.
Is this controlling or reasonable if its his place, therefore being able to dictate?

OP posts:
Fingeronthebutton · 15/06/2022 08:53

@Why2why
So true 😂
I’m reminded of a tragic case of a neighbour when I was a child. She was as obsessed as the poster you quoted. She had got to the stage where she was washing the front door and garden gate. Then one day she refused to let her husband and son into the house. 😟

Dancingwithhyenas · 15/06/2022 08:55

He sounds like he has some form of anxiety around this. Personally I couldn’t build a future with someone like this - Id find it highly controlling (even if anxiety driven) and because I know how gross kids are and sounds like he’d be a nightmare.

I’d call it a day and move on.

Portiasparty · 15/06/2022 08:56

Just tested myself after going up to 'filthy' London yesterday. No black dust on skin. Hair smells fine. Just about to have a shower so I'm clean for the day.

Dump him OP. Whatever other people on here do, his habits aren't yours and he's trying to bully you into following his with sulking. What else is round the corner that doesn't meet his standards that he'll sulk about.

If he'd just explained why he preferred you to shower, then okay, but he didn't. Just get rid.

ZarquonsSandals · 15/06/2022 08:58

I couldn't be arsed with this. If you were visibly dirty then I can understand not wanting dirt transferred but if you didn't look as though you'd been working in a coal mine and were not reeking then he's being ridiculous.

Cashewwws · 15/06/2022 09:05

Ok I can see where he is coming from. The hair washing not so much but a shower after a day on the tube before getting into clean sheets is reasonable. But that’s my personal opinion and I know not everyone is the same!

I will add I do have some fears/phobias around germs and contamination. My bed is my safe/clean space - maybe he feels the same?

saraclara · 15/06/2022 09:08

Cashewwws · 15/06/2022 09:05

Ok I can see where he is coming from. The hair washing not so much but a shower after a day on the tube before getting into clean sheets is reasonable. But that’s my personal opinion and I know not everyone is the same!

I will add I do have some fears/phobias around germs and contamination. My bed is my safe/clean space - maybe he feels the same?

Its the hair washing that is the issue. Read again. OP said she'd have a shower but asked not to have to wash her hair, as it's long and would take ages to dry. It was at THAT point that the boyfriend said she'd have to sleep in the spare room then.

And that's controlling.

balalake · 15/06/2022 09:09

Whilst a reasonable expectation, clearly it troubles you and so you should consider whether the relationship is really right for you.

cottagegardenflower · 15/06/2022 09:13

He sounds more neurotic than controlling. I would stop this relationship now.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/06/2022 09:14

JamesBlond · 14/06/2022 23:56

@NeverDropYourMooncup read the first three words of what you quoted again…

It wasn’t today

Good point. It was too hot last week as well, though.

The air quality in London has vastly improved since the 1980s and 90s - I used to walk 20 minutes to work and by the time I got there, a tissue wiped across my face was black with soot and dirt (something that the congestion zone, LPG/electric buses and low emissions zones has dramatically changed in recent years). You're still dirty after a day, but at least it's not twenty minutes washing, then cleansing, then deeper cleansing, then toner and the cotton wool is still coming up black, so you end up starting again. It's been so bad for two centuries that the dominant type of Poplar Moth are/were almost black, rather than light grey, as the paler type were selected against by being more easily seen and eaten by birds.

On my first stay in Devon, my hair was a good shade lighter, my skin was better and I felt properly clean and fresh - part of this was soft water, but part was that dirt and soot wasn't immediately clinging on my face again. Because the air was clean.

However, the tube is still revolting and it's possible to get bedbugs and headlice hitching a ride on you from it, along with flea bites. Many companies in London changed from installing contract carpet and carpet tiles when hard floors became more fashionable because they had been spending far too much money on defleaing carpets - if you had to kneel down to file things in the bottom drawers of cabinets (because most things were still held on paper in the 90s), you'd frequently get a pin prick feeling in your knees. That wasn't the carpet texture, it was fleas - and they had to come from somewhere, most likely place being off people who used public transport to get there.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/06/2022 09:19

All these people showering twice a day, washing hair every day etc… when do you get time for other things? Like going to gym or whatever. I’d rather be fit than freshly washed hair every day!

Cyclebabble · 15/06/2022 09:26

I may get shot down for this, but I need DH to have a shower before he gets into bed. It is just one of my things. At the start of our relationship he did find it irritating, but it is just something I need to sleep with someone comfortably. I would not see myself as controlling, but maybe I am?

BecauseICan22 · 15/06/2022 09:31

The hair thing is odd but he's not at all unreasonable for wanting you to shower before bed.

You'd been out in town all day, on the tube etc - it's pretty icky to not think to yourself that you should shower.

I'm sure you're not unhygienic but people have different thresholds! I prefer that DH showers before bed, he doesn't smell at all but it's a personal preference of mine. I'd never enforce it though or stop him from sleeping in our bed if he didn't.

You decide how you feel about this.

Stravaig · 15/06/2022 09:33

@NeverDropYourMooncup What a treat, natural history in a Mumsnet bunfight! Can we make that mandatory please, like diagrams on parking threads 😆

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/06/2022 09:39

Cyclebabble · 15/06/2022 09:26

I may get shot down for this, but I need DH to have a shower before he gets into bed. It is just one of my things. At the start of our relationship he did find it irritating, but it is just something I need to sleep with someone comfortably. I would not see myself as controlling, but maybe I am?

@Cyclebabble

yeah you are controlling

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/06/2022 09:39

@Cyclebabble

if I was your partner I would defy you on purpose cos I can’t abide being told what to do

LezzaTheBean · 15/06/2022 09:42

I am not remotely anxious about health things, but I do shower as soon as I get home because I always feel grimy if I've been on the tube. It's all in my head, but not showering post-tube would feel like not brushing my teeth before bed. I can just about bear not to wash my hair, but that's only because it's long and too much of a faff. I shower again in the morning. I'd find it difficult to understand why someone else would be happy to get into bed all smelly and tubey - not that there's anything wrong with not showering, but it suggests incompatibility.

The thing about sitting on the sofa is more odd, and wouldn't bode well if you were to think of having children with him, as they are dirt magnets and trail it all around the house.

Discovereads · 15/06/2022 09:42

saraclara · 15/06/2022 09:08

Its the hair washing that is the issue. Read again. OP said she'd have a shower but asked not to have to wash her hair, as it's long and would take ages to dry. It was at THAT point that the boyfriend said she'd have to sleep in the spare room then.

And that's controlling.

The OP is actually vague on that. After he asks her to take a shower and wash her hair, she explains how she has boob length hair and washes it every few days. He then said she could sleep in the spare room. Then he agrees to let her in his bed if she’s showered but not washed her hair.

In the OP, she doesn’t actually agree to take a shower before he suggests the spare room as a sleeping option.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/06/2022 09:43

Itwasntmeright · 14/06/2022 23:17

The hair is OTT but it’s been really hot in London today apparently, so I imagine you’re probably a bit sweaty, I know I would be. I must admit that I would be giving a partner the side eye if they’ve been out in the sweltering heat all day and didn’t shower before going to bed, but that’s just me.

@Itwasntmeright

dont exaggerate, it has not been “sweltering heat” in London

AkuKing · 15/06/2022 09:43

The scenario wouldn't necessarily apply to a married couple in as the dynamics are set differently and the possibility of children also alter the dynamics, if you said to your DH I'm tired and you just wanted to go to bed then he said take a shower and wash you hair or sleep in the spare room what would you actually do?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/06/2022 09:44

Stravaig · 15/06/2022 09:33

@NeverDropYourMooncup What a treat, natural history in a Mumsnet bunfight! Can we make that mandatory please, like diagrams on parking threads 😆

Thank you! I'll add a correction, though - it's the Peppered Moth, not Poplar (blame lack of sleep for that).

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peppered_moth_evolution

Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 09:44

Cyclebabble · 15/06/2022 09:26

I may get shot down for this, but I need DH to have a shower before he gets into bed. It is just one of my things. At the start of our relationship he did find it irritating, but it is just something I need to sleep with someone comfortably. I would not see myself as controlling, but maybe I am?

I think there are often things in relationships where we prefer our partners to change their behaviour slightly. It's all about the way you ask, and how much trouble it causes the other person to respect your whims. I don't eat crisps around my partner if I can avoid it because the scrunching drives her mad. It's a bit of a pain, but I'd rather she was comfortable than insist on doing something so petty my way.

Relationships are a bunch of compromise and respect. There's a big difference between stating that something is unacceptable and making your preferences known. It's very nuanced.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 15/06/2022 09:46

This man sounds like he has OCD or health anxiety. I would not pursue such a relationship further - too much like hard work - both these conditions can result in very controlling behaviour - and so fucking unsexy being told to go have a wash.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/06/2022 09:48

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/06/2022 09:43

@Itwasntmeright

dont exaggerate, it has not been “sweltering heat” in London

It was 27 Celsius inside my house when I walked in yesterday, despite having thermal curtains closed to keep the heat out and hard floors. It still felt significantly cooler than outside.

I'm about to leave for work now and it's already 24.5 Celsius inside, with no direct sunlight (as I don't want the house to heat up any more).

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/06/2022 09:48

Greensleeves · 14/06/2022 22:45

He sounds a bit "it rubs the lotion on its skin" to me. You wouldn't see me for dust.

😂

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/06/2022 09:48

pawpatrol1 · 15/06/2022 00:14

And same rule for partner that goes out drinking. I don't want to smell alcohol on your breath 🤮

@pawpatrol1

how precious are you?? 🤣