Boyfriend made me shower before bed.

[SilentG1]

Not sure what to think of this one.
We spent the day out in the city and got in at 10pm or so. I was staying at his and when we got home he told me that I couldn't sleep in his bed unless I showered and washed my hair as he had clean sheets and we had been on the tube/ public transport etc and it was disgusting to go to bed without washing after being out in town all day.
I washed and styled my hair that morning only 12 hours before! I have long boob length hair that takes bloody ages to dry and style and once I've done this I don't usually go through the hassle of washing it again for another few days!
When I told him this he said I would therefore have to sleep in his spare room!
In the end he "let" me stay in his bed as long as I showered even if hair wasn't washed.
Is this controlling or reasonable if its his place, therefore being able to dictate?

It wasn't a request and she wasn't there in friend capacity it was girlfriend capacity.... It was an ultimatum to comply or be designated to a spare bedroom in her boyfriends home wow I fail to understand how you completely ignore the emotional situation itself when a refusal would mean leaving and going home humiliated and clearly the OP is confused with the fact she didn't want to comply just sleep then was ignored by him anyway after actually having a shower.

I never go to bed without a shower even if I stay in all day, because I just can't go to sleep otherwise, but I understand some people are morning shower people. Im just curious to know, not in a judgmental way, what happens if you have sex and especially oral sex? will you be happy to put something in your mouth that hasn't been washed all day and been sweaty down there and also have been to toilet etc...My bf is a morning shower person, but he always have shower at night when he's with me, and I don't think I can let him sleep in my bed or have sex with him without a shower ! Is that controlling or OCD?

Not RTFT. Suggest to him that he buys you a pack of hazmat suits to wear in public so that you can avoid contaminating his abode

@girlcrew
no, it’s not at all. It is only sensible. It’s just for some reason posters on MN love making the perfectly reasonable into either red flags for controlling/abuse or signs of severe mental illness.

If you eventually move in with him, will you be expected to wash your hair every night? That would be a deal breaker for me

If it had been worded differenttly, I'd say maybe a bloke with short hair who didn't stop to think how much more effort it would be to wash a woman's hairstyle than his own short back and sides. And expecting someone to shower before bed wouldn't be out of the realms of ordinary behaviour, although not everyone does it.

But with the insistence on sleeping in the spare room, it just comes across as controlling and obsessive. Plus with the update on similar occasions in the past. Not normal.

It's not so much about the issue itself but the control. If he thinks the way to navigate a relationship is to issue ultimatums, if that's his template (look at his parents' relationship) then I would be gone like a long dog.

Showering is fine it's was never about the shower which the OP stated she initially just wanted off her feet she was tired after being out for hours and the boyfriend said she was to shower and wash her hair or go sleep in a spare room alone, so OP had the shower but doing the hair was to much hassle it's was late OP already stated she was initially tired after the OP had shower and went to her boyfriends bed he ditched her in a huff and left her alone anyway. Chances are he wanted a ride so he gave her the Ultimatum to shower because he wanted her clean first and since she wanted to sleep it's likely he flew out in a huff because he got nothing. That's not necessarily the scenario but based on what I read the most likely one.

Veering slightly, but there seems to be a trend for posters to feel their date should be just as they envisage, and if he's not, then he's dissected and diagnosed and called controlling or abusive.

It's fine to simply be incompatible, and to say no thanks, not for me, and move on. It's the whole point of dating! OP and this guy aren't a good match, and if they stay together they will each act in a way that the other finds horrible. That's all. No picking a side or diagnosis necessary.

That's different though. If you're planning sex or oral sex with a partner , then most people would clean down below if they had opportunity beforehand.

That's not situation OP described which is controlling and abnormal
She wasn't allowed to go to bed without showering and washing her long hair nor allowed to sit on his sofa sometimes without changing.

Wholly reasonable if you are in muddy soiled clothes. Unreasonable if it's just because the clothes have been worn "outside the house" errrrr like clothes are supposed to be!!!

Other MNers displaying their anxieties and OCD germaphobe traits just shows that there are a minority of other people struggling with these issues.

Regardless, it's unreasonable way to expect everyone to live and his way of dealing with it is controlling. Now OP is forewarned, she has choice not to stay over at his and whether she wants to continue dating a man with so many internal extreme rules about outside the house being contaminated...!! I doubt he'll change unless he has CBT and even then, life is too short. Let him find another germaphobe- apparently a few post on MN!!

Gosh I couldn’t live like you people. Afraid to even wear clothes that have been shock horror outside into your house, afraid to sit on the couch. Obsessed with non existent ‘grime’. What a sad way to live your life where it’s the first thing you think of you enter your home. What do you think is going to happen if jeans touch your couch? How uncomfortable must your visitors be unable to relax in your home in their clothes that have been tainted by being ‘outside’. I’m so glad I don’t have this weird fear of the outside and germs. It never even crosses my mind. As for the person who wouldn’t be able to sleep if someone who hadn’t showered for in her bed - please seek help. And please anyone who is like this stop putting your irrationality onto your poor children who will turnout just like you. They will be just fine if they sit on their bed in their school uniform. Nothing bad is going to happen.

I like a shower after working in town but not being allowed on the sofa and mandatory hair washing at bed time is nuts.

People who think it’s dirty and disgusting to sit down on your sofa in your clothes when you’ve been out and about - what possible negative outcome are you seeing here? I’m baffled, please someone explain.

A shower before bed after a long day out isn’t really too unreasonable. Demanding a hair wash too when you have long mounds of hair is very unreasonable and I can only assume others don’t know the struggle of the washing brushing drying debacle that takes a lot of effort and time? I certainly wouldn’t be doing that after a long day.

Id ditch this one if I were you, you won’t live happily with someone like that.

Me too.

He can sleep in that bed alone because, regardless of the fact that I prefer a before-bed shower myself, I'll not be told to do it by any bugger. Once they start insisting I wash my hair for the 2nd time that day, I'll be reaching for car keys to get the hell out of dodge.

If you'd been in London (or any other big city with a tube) then yes, a bath/shower definitely. You could have got away without washing your hair probably.

He sounds like a bit of a clean freak given his reasoning - then again if sex was likely not so much.

You don't need to wash your hair twice a day just because you've been in London, and (more importantly) you don't need to do as you're told by someone else. Imagine the future. Dealbreaker for me.

😁😁😁

@Why2why

bet you don’t get many visitors!

Why would her hair not transfer germs/dirt to his bed though, just like her unwashed body would? This distinction doesn't seem any more logical to me than just washing one hand or only showering one half of your body?

Sorry to quote you specifically, you're not the only one who's said it.

I'm not saying she should wash her hair, just trying to understand the logic, here.

I'm so sorry but I read it as you have 'long boob hair' and I'm giggling like a 13-year old 😆

@Watchkeys

Dogs smell - their fur, their breath etc

they can’t wipe their arse and they don’t wear pants

they lick their genitals, their own and other dogs given the chance

so yeah a dogs place for the night is their own bed, not their owners bed

All the people who think he's not being controlling need to read this bit again.

It was just when I said "if it's ok though I'm not going to wash my hair as I did it this morning and it takes a long time to brush/dry etc" and his reply was just that no I need to wash my hair and when I said I couldn't be bothered and it wasn't dirty as I washed it this morning, he said if youre not going to wash it you can sleep in the spare room then.

This guy has problems that I'd not be prepared to accommodate.

Can you live like this?
and the “low level controlling behaviours” will become high level sooner or later. Get rid.

Well, I’d probably want a shower after running around in town on a hot day. But that’s not the point- what’s not normal here is how he did it- ordering you to have a shower or sleep in the spare room is not normal or loving behaviour. He does sound controlling, especially as you say he can be so in other ways.

Added to that, men being prissy about a bit of sweat and dirt is about as a big a turn off as it gets for me, so I’d have been out over the whole “don’t sit on the sofa” thing. The fact you’re posting at all suggests you’re not comfortable with how he’s behaving. Trust your gut.

My point, @LuckySantangelo35 , was that nobody gets to tell anybody else what's right or wrong, unless they're breaking the law. So your opinion of where my dog 'should' sleep is just a bunch of words, rather than you being 'right'.

As a side issue, do you think that humans don't lick genitals..? They absolutely do, and guess where they like to do it most? In bed!