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Original poster

Boyfriend made me shower before bed.

600 replies

SilentG1 · 14/06/2022 22:40

Not sure what to think of this one.
We spent the day out in the city and got in at 10pm or so. I was staying at his and when we got home he told me that I couldn't sleep in his bed unless I showered and washed my hair as he had clean sheets and we had been on the tube/ public transport etc and it was disgusting to go to bed without washing after being out in town all day.
I washed and styled my hair that morning only 12 hours before! I have long boob length hair that takes bloody ages to dry and style and once I've done this I don't usually go through the hassle of washing it again for another few days!
When I told him this he said I would therefore have to sleep in his spare room!
In the end he "let" me stay in his bed as long as I showered even if hair wasn't washed.
Is this controlling or reasonable if its his place, therefore being able to dictate?

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 15/06/2022 07:38

Cornishpix · 15/06/2022 07:25

Hmm… do any of you (the “mustn’t bring the outside in” lot) have dogs?

My dog sleeps on our bed. He doesn’t shower. We live rurally though so he doesn’t go on the tube 😁

Yeah I've got dogs, very fond of them indeed.

They sleep downstairs, normally at the front / back doors. Where they belong.
Not anywhere near the bedrooms.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2022 07:38

what other controlling behaviour does he have ?

ps. it’s not “low level”

TryingToBeUnique · 15/06/2022 07:40

@saraclara
but getting hot and then cooling down makes you sleepy. I’m not keen on showering in the morning for this reason. I usually shower about an hour before bed and then often fall asleep watching the telly.
I know, I know: don’t have the water so hot.

stairgates · 15/06/2022 07:40

Greensleeves · 14/06/2022 22:45

He sounds a bit "it rubs the lotion on its skin" to me. You wouldn't see me for dust.

😂That has made me laugh this morning😁

Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 07:41

@alwaysmovingforwards

'Where they belong' in your house, yes. Mine sleeps on my bed, where she belongs in my house. Since nobody gets to say where the 'right' place is.

Discovereads · 15/06/2022 07:43

Blusteryday101 · 15/06/2022 07:35

"If his standards are too clean for you, of course you can dump him and find a dirtier boyfriend."

That's not a very nice thing to say is it now? Why assume op wants a "dirtier" boyfriend rather than just a balanced reasonable one?

If you go on to have children op, how would he react if a child spilt something or threw up on the bed?

It’s much much nicer than the comments calling her current boyfriend controlling, mentally ill with OCD, anxiety and paranoia or comparing him to a serial killer that skinned women and wore their skins as a body suit.

What else to call it really? It’s dirtier. It’s a lower hygiene standard. You think it’s reasonable to be dirtier, fine. But that doesn’t mean being cleaner is unreasonable.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 15/06/2022 07:45

Presumably you didn't walk round naked collecting fumes and town dust? Does he shower after sex also? Or has he got a penis beaker?

Bluueberrryy · 15/06/2022 07:46

sunja · 14/06/2022 23:33

Showering is reasonable but not washing your hair. How about some kind of head wrap for the night?

Fucking hell.

Yeah op. Maybe wrap your hair in clingfilm so no germs can escape!

RichardMarxisinnocent · 15/06/2022 07:47

MrsLargeEmbodied · 15/06/2022 07:20

the city of black bogeys
indeed
blow your nose after a day in london.
i still wouldnt shower though

See I've heard this black bogeys thing before, but on the many occasions I've blown my nose after being in London, I have never had black or vaguely dark snot or snot that's anything other than the same as usual. But I do live in a city so perhaps this "London is filthy" thing applies to all cities and my snot is already discoloured with pollution and I just don't realise.

I travel on public transport a lot (no car) and have never caught any nasty illness from it. I would imagine some of the colds I've had in my life were from public transport but equally some will have been from work or from going out to a restaurant or from visiting friends/family so not just from public transport.

Bluueberrryy · 15/06/2022 07:47

Ponderingwindow · 14/06/2022 23:39

I’m a person who thinks it’s disgusting to get into bed at night without showering first. If I had been on the tube and walking around the city, that would include mandatory hair washing, even though I don’t always wash my very long hair every day.

so I’m completely with the boyfriend here. Getting into bed after a day out. The whole idea just feels gross. I wouldn’t be able to sleep.

Get a life

lollipoprainbow · 15/06/2022 07:48

@Discovereads you sound very prissy, London smell etc jees. A dirtier boyfriend sounds fab to be honest.

Stravaig · 15/06/2022 07:49

A shower is a morning thing that wakes you up for the day.

That's just conditioning. 'A shower is an evening thing to wash away the day and relax ready for sleep'. Different ritual, different associations. If I regularly did both, I'd use a different scented shower gel for evening though, help ensure the right signals.

Bluueberrryy · 15/06/2022 07:51

Watchkeys · 14/06/2022 23:56

If it's gross not to wash your skin, why isn't it also gross not to wash your hair? I don't get the logic. Surely hair has ways of holding onto grime that skin doesn't, and vice versa? OP's hair will have been sweeping the headrests of London public transport all day long.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't necessarily even be showering before bed, but I don't get the hair/skin distinction of those who would insist on washing the skin.

This is mental!

Sweeping the headrests 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

saraclara · 15/06/2022 07:53

I remember the black bogeys thing from about twenty years ago. But I go to London and use the tube two or three times a month and don't get it. So I assume that something has changed since back then.

AkuKing · 15/06/2022 07:54

I hope the OP realizes that any comments made about how people have more showers than they actually need has no bearing on reality, clearly a lot are living in thier own fantasy land of anything that doesn't worship the shower must be dirty lol OP is not in anyway dirty for wanting to just lay down and sleep after a long day, a shower or washing hair is irrelevant the priority would have been to crash out and theres no reason for someone to justify being tired and especially when they are not even married and have no kids. The reality is in this situation and having no husband or kids you can do as you please when you please and how you please and unless it's a crime anything you feel like doing is acceptable.

The OPs boyfriend is right to like things his way but that ends with him and only him, nobody has the right to demand or expect anything from anyone else if it makes them uncomfortable or makes them think being who they are is somehow wrong. OP can either accept that she is with someone who isn't compatible with her views on how to live or the OP can move on before her self esteem is crushed trying to maintain someone's else lifestyle.

It has nothing to do with cleanliness, the OP already had a shower that day but wanted to just sleep, what kind of person who supposedly cares about you and clearly knows your exhausted puts conditions on you being able to sleep in bed? that's not caring or loving in anyway shape or form and to be honest even while the OP sorts thier feelings out they should stay away from his home completely. What happens if she just randomly fainted "it's completely plausible" in his home? Is he going to throw her in the shower and wash her down before putting her on the bed or the couch? Some of the people posting need to give this a bit more thought and consideration for the OP and remember this isn't a husband/Wife or a person she has children with but she's expected to bend to demands or she is outcast to a spare bedroom like a mate, pal or friend screw that.

Jumpking · 15/06/2022 07:55

I kinda get where he's coming from if he likes "clean".

Have you ever blown your nose after a day in Central London? Snot is black as black can be.

Having said that, I crash into bed after a day in London, not shower.

Up to you if you can tolerate his level of cleanliness.

saraclara · 15/06/2022 07:57

OP's hair will have been sweeping the headrests of London public transport all day long.

People actually think about this stuff?

Discovereads · 15/06/2022 07:58

lollipoprainbow · 15/06/2022 07:48

@Discovereads you sound very prissy, London smell etc jees. A dirtier boyfriend sounds fab to be honest.

No sorry doesn’t sound fab at all. I have found from personal experience that men with lower hygiene standards are usually the same type of men who leave their dirty clothes on the floor, don’t do laundry, don’t wash up dishes, dont clean their skid marks in the loo, dont dust or hoover, etc.

As in, I’ve overlooked a bit of grime for a hot boyfriend only to find there is a direct correlation between their personal hygiene and how much house cleaning they do. There was one fella I lived with and the way he told me he missed me when I was away on a 6 week trip was to send a picture of the kitchen sink and counter covered in a months worth of dirty dishes. We did not last.

I can’t be putting up with a man who can’t even keep himself clean.

Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 08:01

The OPs boyfriend is right to like things his way but that ends with him and only him, nobody has the right to demand or expect anything from anyone else

Everybody has the right to demand that anybody in their house behaves in any way at all. I've got every right to insist that my guests all have a shower, any time of day when they arrive, for example. However, I'd expect people to choose not to be my guests for very long, as they have every right to not visit.

It's not unusual for people to insists that guests remove their shoes. Do you think they have no right to do that, @AkuKing ?

Discovereads · 15/06/2022 08:01

AkuKing · 15/06/2022 07:54

I hope the OP realizes that any comments made about how people have more showers than they actually need has no bearing on reality, clearly a lot are living in thier own fantasy land of anything that doesn't worship the shower must be dirty lol OP is not in anyway dirty for wanting to just lay down and sleep after a long day, a shower or washing hair is irrelevant the priority would have been to crash out and theres no reason for someone to justify being tired and especially when they are not even married and have no kids. The reality is in this situation and having no husband or kids you can do as you please when you please and how you please and unless it's a crime anything you feel like doing is acceptable.

The OPs boyfriend is right to like things his way but that ends with him and only him, nobody has the right to demand or expect anything from anyone else if it makes them uncomfortable or makes them think being who they are is somehow wrong. OP can either accept that she is with someone who isn't compatible with her views on how to live or the OP can move on before her self esteem is crushed trying to maintain someone's else lifestyle.

It has nothing to do with cleanliness, the OP already had a shower that day but wanted to just sleep, what kind of person who supposedly cares about you and clearly knows your exhausted puts conditions on you being able to sleep in bed? that's not caring or loving in anyway shape or form and to be honest even while the OP sorts thier feelings out they should stay away from his home completely. What happens if she just randomly fainted "it's completely plausible" in his home? Is he going to throw her in the shower and wash her down before putting her on the bed or the couch? Some of the people posting need to give this a bit more thought and consideration for the OP and remember this isn't a husband/Wife or a person she has children with but she's expected to bend to demands or she is outcast to a spare bedroom like a mate, pal or friend screw that.

Don’t be ridiculous. He gave her a choice if she wants to sleep in his bed, please shower first. But he also offered her the spare bed to sleep in if she did not want to shower. He offered her a bed either way. He did not put any conditions on her before having a bed to sleep on.

Stravaig · 15/06/2022 08:02

@saraclara I've not been in London for 5 years, so maybe the various clean air measures are working? Which would be wonderful. I'm a long Covid person, with shredded lungs, so I've wondered if I'd struggle now with London air, as it used to be.

AkuKing · 15/06/2022 08:05

No you don't have a right to demand or expect it all you have a right to do is ask and ask me to leave no more, sounds like you are a control freak if you weren't you would've used you have a right to ask not demand I do it, it's the equivalent of ordering someone and that's a person with an abusive nature past the signs of being one.

Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 08:07

all you have a right to do is ask and ask me to leave no more

That's what he did. He said 'shower or sleep in a different room'.

SaltandPepper22 · 15/06/2022 08:08

I think I would also have preferred you to shower. Did you not feel grubby after being out in London all day? I always do, it’s like being on a plane, you feel gross after. If the sheets were clean I think on balance his bed his rules tbh but you don’t have to stay with him if you don’t like it!

Staynow · 15/06/2022 08:10

He's sounds way too anal for me to want to continue. Asking you to change your clothes before sitting on his sofa?? He's got issues IMO.