Boyfriend made me shower before bed.

[SilentG1]

Not sure what to think of this one.
We spent the day out in the city and got in at 10pm or so. I was staying at his and when we got home he told me that I couldn't sleep in his bed unless I showered and washed my hair as he had clean sheets and we had been on the tube/ public transport etc and it was disgusting to go to bed without washing after being out in town all day.
I washed and styled my hair that morning only 12 hours before! I have long boob length hair that takes bloody ages to dry and style and once I've done this I don't usually go through the hassle of washing it again for another few days!
When I told him this he said I would therefore have to sleep in his spare room!
In the end he "let" me stay in his bed as long as I showered even if hair wasn't washed.
Is this controlling or reasonable if its his place, therefore being able to dictate?

To be fair, I wouldn't let someone get into my bed after being on the tube! I probably wouldn't expect the hair wash, but the shower definitely.

He obviously has some kind of anxiety over cleanliness and keeping his bed clean.

I'm very similar and although it might seem frustrating to you, it's very real for him. Bed hygiene is a real thing for me too.

Here, my partner does not get me at all.

others have said, it's because you smell but I don't think it is. He just doesn't want you to get into bed with after being out in the city all day - especially the tube, sitting on grimy seats.

God, he sounds like a pain in the arse. Get a better one, there's literally millions of them.

Not read the full thread.

I didn’t read his request as being controlling par se. I don’t know what tone he used, if in a neutral tone I totally get it. I’m a bit germ phobic and clinically vulnerable and me myself would shower and wash hair if I’d been on a busy/full tube or train. It wouldn’t be an issue for me. Clearly if you’ve posted it’s an issue for you and could be indicative of deeper issues that might come to the surface.

He didn’t communicate brilliantly

but there is no way I’d not have a shower after a 10 hour day out

Time to throw this one back love.

Bit baffled that so many people think hair magically repels all the dust and grime and pollution that you wash off your skin. It doesn't.

At home, I wake up, splash cold water on my face, clean my teeth, have a quick shower, apply gentle deodorant, wash my hair twice a week, once in winter, let it dry naturally. That's it. In London, its hot cloth cleanser morning and evening, plus extra shower and hair wash every evening to rinse off the grime. The city of black bogeys.

All these posters who are so sure that he was telling you you had bo?
How can you possibly know it's that and it's not a different scenario, that is, he's a controlling arse with serious issues? Especially given op's update?

To me this is a massive red flag op. I'd be running for the hills.

If you are still quite early on in your relationship, he should be ripping the clothes of you without a second thought! I wouldn't want some overly fastidious bloke implying that I was disgusting!

Nor would I want someone asking me to change my clothes before sitting on their sofa! That is kind of saying that he values his furniture above you! Not very good father material if you ask me.

We always shower head to toe every evening, including washing hair and we do have long hair in the family as well. One of my DDs does vintage hair styles and is putting her hair in rollers or pin curls every evening. Sometimes we shower in the morning too especially if it’s been a hot night. It keeps your bed clean. I can’t imagine going to bed with the days grime on, YUCK.

And when we go down to London, we definitely all wash London off as soon as we get home. As we we shower, wash hair and change our clothes. Londoners don’t really “see” the filth or the air pollution they live in quite like we rural country people do. I once got bit by fleas on the Tube of all things. But anyway, you can smell London on your clothes if you’ve spent the day there.

So I dont think the boyfriend was being controlling or a clean “freak.” However it is good for partners to be compatible in terms of cleanliness. If his standards are too clean for you, of course you can dump him and find a dirtier boyfriend.

I'd bin him off. It's a major incompatibility. You'll be expected to conform to his ways if you stay with him.

This obsessions with public transport and public places being unhygienic isn't normal and it isn't a good sign — and you know it, don't you, OP? He's got health and hygiene anxieties or OCD or similar. He's more concerned about his sheets than about your comfort and ease, and that's not good.

He's got controlling tendencies at the very least. I'd suggest you start looking for a replacement.

We do this too. No outdoor shoes indoors ever. We have house slippers/flip flops. You come home and you put your outdoor clothes in the wash and put on house clothes. The DC would always be required to change out of their school uniforms as soon as they got home to put on play clothes (that are much more comfortable). Fresh clean uniform every day.

the city of black bogeys
indeed
blow your nose after a day in london.
i still wouldnt shower though

Hmm… do any of you (the “mustn’t bring the outside in” lot) have dogs?

My dog sleeps on our bed. He doesn’t shower. We live rurally though so he doesn’t go on the tube 😁

It’s not the showering that strips your skin of its natural moisturising oils, it’s the harsh chemicals in most commercially sold body washes. If you’re using natural bar soap, you can shower as often as you want without it harming your skin.

Please stop pathologising what are simply different (higher) hygiene standards as “paranoia” and “anxiety”

TBH it sounds as if he has some issues. Not exactly 'controlling' but along the lines of OCD. Not allowing you to sit on his sofa etc.

That is not normal behaviour.

On the other hand, disregarding him, I find it off that you don't feel you need to wash before going to bed.

I'm always shocked at the personal hygiene posts on MN as so many people only shower now and then.

At the end of the day, after you've poo-d, you at least need to wash your bum, and even if you think you don't smell, you will have sweated all day.

And if there was any chance of sex, then you bits need washing.

(And yes, we all know you can use a jug of water, a flannel, a loofah and god knows what else - but just jump in the blinking shower for 5 mins!)

I think it's vile people allow pets to sleep on their beds. Sorry.

Laughing out loud at this 😂

Agreed!

On MN it seems if someone has a preference it's called out 'controlling' ffs

It's his house, his rules. Take it or leave it.

Londoners don’t really “see” the filth or the air pollution they live in quite like we rural country people do.
😂😂😂 It’s unintentional hilarity like this that means I can never quit this infernal website.

I thought half the point of a shower was is stimulating and refreshing properties. How the hell do those of you who shower before bed, get to sleep? Especially those who've also washed their hair. At the point that I know I'm tired enough for bed, a shower would send all the wrong signals to my body and brain, and I'd be wide awake again.

A shower is a morning thing that wakes you up for the day.

I would want to shower before getting into bed, particularly if having sex. Hair, maybe but probably not. I wash my hair at night and leave it to dry naturally. It’s like a bale of hay before straightening. I wouldn’t have done that with a boyfriend.
If he’s very germ phobic, how is he with intimacy, sex and kissing must blow his mind.

"If his standards are too clean for you, of course you can dump him and find a dirtier boyfriend."

That's not a very nice thing to say is it now? Why assume op wants a "dirtier" boyfriend rather than just a balanced reasonable one?

If you go on to have children op, how would he react if a child spilt something or threw up on the bed?

It sounds like he has an issue around germs etc?? Does he say and do other things that link to this? Where he has a fear of outside 'contamination' coming in?