Boyfriend made me shower before bed.

[SilentG1]

Not sure what to think of this one.
We spent the day out in the city and got in at 10pm or so. I was staying at his and when we got home he told me that I couldn't sleep in his bed unless I showered and washed my hair as he had clean sheets and we had been on the tube/ public transport etc and it was disgusting to go to bed without washing after being out in town all day.
I washed and styled my hair that morning only 12 hours before! I have long boob length hair that takes bloody ages to dry and style and once I've done this I don't usually go through the hassle of washing it again for another few days!
When I told him this he said I would therefore have to sleep in his spare room!
In the end he "let" me stay in his bed as long as I showered even if hair wasn't washed.
Is this controlling or reasonable if its his place, therefore being able to dictate?

OP you know yanbu and that your bf had some type of anxiety /OCD
His demands were completely unreasonable and you've described his saying you can't sit on sofa similarly before.

I don't think this relationship has longevity as he doesn't recognise he's unwell and needs support. He'd rather dictate to you and it'll become controlling behaviour because of his anxieties

you've described his saying you can't sit on sofa similarly before.

Sheesh.

Yes, @SilentG1 - this man is not Mr Right or even close.

Stop offering yourself as a crutch for him. He needs professional help, not a woman to pander to his unreasonable and irrational demands.

@ShippingNews - I can't believe it's unusual either.
I have nice skin at 57 after decades of daily showering, and also protecting my skin from the very intense summer sun and bitter, dry winter cold in the continental climate where I live.

There are other low level controlling behaviours so it's honestly hard to tell whether it's a hygiene things or not- maybe a bit of both.

It's not hygiene.

It's him using you as a dump for his anxiety instead of addressing it in therapy and doing the hard work to get over it.

He is lazy and disrespectful, and as long as you are prepared to accept this shitty behaviour, he has no motivation to work on getting over his problems and living a happier life.

Stop letting him dump all of this on you.

Absolutely this.

I would imagine you have poor boundaries because you are still with him.

Have you any idea how stressful and tedious to be in a relationship where YOU are controlled by another's anxiety and rules.

You are wasting your time here.

Pissed off and moody?????

Welcome to your life living with him.

Utter misery and regret awaits you.

It sounds like he has OCD. Also, it is very easy for a man with short hair to wash his hair, not the same for a woman with long hair!

I wouldn't like to be told when to wash as an adult - I'm old enough to know when I need to. I would feel grimy after all day out in a city and would have a quick shower or bath but I only wash my hair once a week/every 10 days.

Cannot believe there are so many people thinking this is normal. OP, please walk away from this man. He sounds controlling and awful. Telling your girlfriend she must shower and wash her hair or sleep in the spare room is weird, nasty behaviour and not the sign of a healthy relationship. Imagine living with someone like this. You deserve better.

My sons ex gf was like this (they were 16 at the time). She was quite high maintenance and had no problem telling him if he smelled or needed to brush his teeth etc, and a shower before they slept in her room was pretty routine!
Up to you if you can tolerate his hygiene expectations.

I agree that after being out all day, particularly on public transport, you should shower before bed.

When I have been home all day, I shower in morning only. When in the office or elsewhere, I shower morning and night. Public transport is absolutely filthy, not to mention air pollution and all else your body has come into contact with.

I know of people who will not allow clothes worn outside into their bedroom, let alone on their bed.

His house, his rules. You will need to decide how it sits with you because this is it going forward.

i dont think travelling on the tube warrants this

I shower every night before bed, and can't imagine going to bed with a lover without doing this, but his whole dictatorial attitude would have me running away

He’s not controlling,sounds like he has some form of ocd.

This is just one of the compatibility issues you check out while you're dating. He's reasonable to want to wash off the dirt, pollution, and stress of the day before slipping into clean sheets. You're reasonable to want to tumble into bed just as you are. But you're not compatible for sleeping together or living together long-term.

I decided early teens that I could either spend hours a week fighting with my hair, or I could just let it do it's own thing. I chose the latter, so that part made me laugh. To me, it's unreasonable to prioritise preserving your hair-do over your bedmate's comfort. But then I'd rather wash the city off and have clean unruly hair.

I think there's a difference between being in your own home and being a guest. You're dating, not married with kids, and lives and microbiomes fully merged. It's nice he ensured clean sheets and a clean home for you to spend time in. As a guest, I'd reciprocate. Respect, really.

Weird and unreasonable (him)

Are you about a size 14?

Bin him off he sounds like a total pain in the arse .

Dump him.

You're never going to get that urgent, passionate sex as soon as you get in the front door with him.

I never go to bed without a bath or shower and a hair wash ...even if I use conditioner...the thought of getting into bed without is alien to me

Eeek ....we never sit on our sofas in clothes we've been out in all day so I'm with him !!!!

You two are incompatible.
Stop wasting each other’s time and move on.

He most likely thinks he is being reasonable but you find it controlling. Both are not wrong but you both are headstrong people. You will clash in other areas and make non issues into sources of conflict and emotional stress.

I shower in the evenings. But if the person I fancy has asked me to shower and wash my hair before bed I would happily oblige. Even if I showered an hour ago. It’s really not a big deal.
But if I no longer have feelings for him this would be the last straw and I will break up with him.

He sounds very controlling

Do you really never sit on your sofa when you get home without changing your clothes @Lulu1919 ? What are you doing all day to make them so dirty?

i couldn’t live with that. Imagine what he’ll be like when he’s old! I think it’s a bit demeaning to have to negotiate sharing a bed with a man so taking the spare bed and considering your options would have been better.

Hilarious that in any other circumstances a controlling man would have posters telling the OP to ltb but as it's to do with showering it's acceptable to be controlled !

Why can’t it be both? Mental health issues aren’t a get-out clause for being an arsehole.

This is the thin end of the wedge.
Apart from the request to shower (which actually after a day out is not too unreasonable) the fact he told you to change prior to sitting on his settee is a red flag.