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Original poster

Boyfriend made me shower before bed.

600 replies

SilentG1 · 14/06/2022 22:40

Not sure what to think of this one.
We spent the day out in the city and got in at 10pm or so. I was staying at his and when we got home he told me that I couldn't sleep in his bed unless I showered and washed my hair as he had clean sheets and we had been on the tube/ public transport etc and it was disgusting to go to bed without washing after being out in town all day.
I washed and styled my hair that morning only 12 hours before! I have long boob length hair that takes bloody ages to dry and style and once I've done this I don't usually go through the hassle of washing it again for another few days!
When I told him this he said I would therefore have to sleep in his spare room!
In the end he "let" me stay in his bed as long as I showered even if hair wasn't washed.
Is this controlling or reasonable if its his place, therefore being able to dictate?

OP posts:
Lucia23 · 15/06/2022 00:45

goldfinchonthelawn · 14/06/2022 23:01

I'd have wanted a shower after a hot day in London. But I would have just white-lied about washing my hair. Bit of surface damp on it, and a trace of conditioner on the tips of the hair for the scent. I wouldn't be bothered explaining to him what a faff it is to keep hair properly styled.

Sorry but this cracked me up. The comical thought of someone pretendy washing their hair for the ocd boyfriend.

I've only done this with one ex. We were long distance & he would travel a long way after working all day to see me. Good of him! But he always smelled and pre bed I always asked him to shower.

Did he actually ask you to wash your hair? That's ott. To be honest, I probably couldn't be bothered unless you really did smell. Sounds highly strung though I do agree some people have developed healthy anxiety. A good friend of mine now has this despite being fine before.

BadNomad · 15/06/2022 00:46

Caffeineandicecream · 15/06/2022 00:38

Its a bit much though isn’t it. Why can’t he be respectful of his girlfriend. It’s much more disrespectful to tell someone to wash their already washed and styled hair or sleep elsewhere.

Show quote history

I think she was more disrespectful to argue that she should be allowed to get into his clean bed dirty. Do you go to people's houses and do what you like regardless of how they do things?

pixie5121 · 15/06/2022 00:46

BadNomad · 15/06/2022 00:43

And what? It's his home. He doesn't want unwashed bodies in his clean bed. He asked her to shower or sleep in the other room. Her choice.

If the OP wants to smoke in his house is he not allowed to say "go outside"? Or if the OP wants to put her feet up on the furniture is he not allowed to say "take your shoes off first"?

Show quote history

Exactly! What about HIS boundaries? His comfort? His needs?

He's grumpy and pissed off because he now has to change his bedsheets because of her, right after he'd put clean ones on, because she refused to shower after tramping around a hot, congested, filthy city all day.

pixie5121 · 15/06/2022 00:48

BadNomad · 15/06/2022 00:46

I think she was more disrespectful to argue that she should be allowed to get into his clean bed dirty. Do you go to people's houses and do what you like regardless of how they do things?

Show quote history

I agree. I think it's really rude to go to someone else's home and just decide you're not going to do what they always do because you think it's stupid.

It's pretty normal and common in lots of cultures to shower before bed and change into indoor clothes.

Pallisers · 15/06/2022 00:51

pixie5121 · 15/06/2022 00:28

The tube is so dirty that you literally end up with black snot in your nose. Do you not know what that is?

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Wow. the last time I was in London (2018) we used the tube but I didn't end up with black snot and didn't realise it was a thing for londoners. That must be a terrible way to live.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 15/06/2022 00:52

He's grumpy and pissed off because he now has to change his bedsheets because of her, right after he'd put clean ones on, because she refused to shower after tramping around a hot, congested, filthy city all day.

If you'd bothered to read the OP's posts you'll see that she did shower.

But don't let that get in the way of your rant.

avamiah · 15/06/2022 00:54

At the end of the day a shower can take literally a couple of minutes if your not washing your hair and make you feel so much fresher.
Its the same as brushing your teeth before bed as some people don’t do this either and i can’t even imagine not brushing my teeth before bed.

mathanxiety · 15/06/2022 00:57

You need to dump this hostile, controlling man and then block him from ever contacting you.

He 'let you' stay in his bed but only after you showered?

No, no, no, no this is all wrong.

BadNomad · 15/06/2022 00:59

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 15/06/2022 00:52

He's grumpy and pissed off because he now has to change his bedsheets because of her, right after he'd put clean ones on, because she refused to shower after tramping around a hot, congested, filthy city all day.

If you'd bothered to read the OP's posts you'll see that she did shower.

But don't let that get in the way of your rant.

She didn't wash her hair. So he'll change the pillow cases at least.

He was nicer than me. I would have dumped her for not respecting my boundaries.

Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 00:59

If the OP wants to smoke in his house is he not allowed to say "go outside"? Or if the OP wants to put her feet up on the furniture is he not allowed to say "take your shoes off first

Of course. But they're in a relationship. People are 'allowed' to say anything they want, but that doesn't mean they should do it harshly or in a way that bothers the other person. If he wants to be in a relationship with OP, he's going to have to realise that issuing orders and sulking when they're not obeyed isn't a good communication strategy.

SlatsandFlaps · 15/06/2022 00:59

RosesAndHellebores · 14/06/2022 22:48

It was a hot day in London today. If I've been up to town on the tube, etc, I like to wash the day off before bed, including hair. DH goes up to London every day. He showers and changes when he gets home then comes down for dinner. Always has. If it's a balmy night, like tonight, he'll shower in the morning too.

I don't think he's been unreasonable per se but you might not be wholly compatible.

Respectfully, your husband sounds like he could do with seeing his GP as that sounds compulsively excessive. I'd genuinely be concerned

Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 01:01

Respectfully, your husband sounds like he could do with seeing his GP as that sounds compulsively excessive. I'd genuinely be concerned

A shower once a day and sometimes twice? Are you being sarcastic here?

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 15/06/2022 01:01

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BadNomad · 15/06/2022 01:04

Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 00:59

If the OP wants to smoke in his house is he not allowed to say "go outside"? Or if the OP wants to put her feet up on the furniture is he not allowed to say "take your shoes off first

Of course. But they're in a relationship. People are 'allowed' to say anything they want, but that doesn't mean they should do it harshly or in a way that bothers the other person. If he wants to be in a relationship with OP, he's going to have to realise that issuing orders and sulking when they're not obeyed isn't a good communication strategy.

People in relationships are still allowed boundaries. These two are obviously not going to be compatible if they want to live together. But as they don't live together they need to respect each other's boundaries in their own homes.

blugray · 15/06/2022 01:05

Ponderingwindow · 14/06/2022 23:39

I’m a person who thinks it’s disgusting to get into bed at night without showering first. If I had been on the tube and walking around the city, that would include mandatory hair washing, even though I don’t always wash my very long hair every day.

so I’m completely with the boyfriend here. Getting into bed after a day out. The whole idea just feels gross. I wouldn’t be able to sleep.

Agree with this. I’m also one of those people that doesn’t like outdoor germs/outdoor clothes on my bed lol

I wouldn’t necessarily wash my hair just for bed, but I wash it every 2-3 days anyway. I would wash my hair before bed if I was super hot during the day (like today)

SlatsandFlaps · 15/06/2022 01:05

MissMaple82 · 14/06/2022 23:15

He is correct, its absolutely disgusting

🤣🤣🤣 Grow up! Don't be so utterly paranoid. It's really not 'trendy' nor healthy to be glued to the shower.... 🙄

BadNomad · 15/06/2022 01:06

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No. Not weird. Just different.

KosherDill · 15/06/2022 01:06

JamesBlond · 14/06/2022 23:51

@Mally100 What’s the risk if you go to bed with “city skin”? If it’s already on your body, and has been for hours, then it’s too late surely and you’re doomed anyway? I’d rather have a relaxing evening rather than rush around scrubbing myself with bleach for a twat of a man who thinks he needs to tell me what to do.

Speaking for myself, I use very nice, expensive, vintage linen sheets, and don't want grime ground into them simply because someone is too lazy to spend five minutes showering.

SlatsandFlaps · 15/06/2022 01:11

Ponderingwindow · 14/06/2022 23:39

I’m a person who thinks it’s disgusting to get into bed at night without showering first. If I had been on the tube and walking around the city, that would include mandatory hair washing, even though I don’t always wash my very long hair every day.

so I’m completely with the boyfriend here. Getting into bed after a day out. The whole idea just feels gross. I wouldn’t be able to sleep.

I really hope you get some help with your anxiety Flowers

Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 01:11

@BadNomad

Not sure why you quoted me there. I agree with what you've said. My comment was that the communication of the boundaries needs to be done respectfully, and it sounds like he was harsh and then sulked, neither of which is healthy communication, regardless of the topic.

Nouveaunew · 15/06/2022 01:11

@SilentG1
would it be right to say this really bothered you?

in the end he didn’t insist you wash your hair….my ex and I definitely suggested each other shower on occasion.

it is impossible to know the answer without knowing you & your relationship . Is he controlling in other ways? Did you talk to him about this? Do you feel you can be yourself around him in general ?

blugray · 15/06/2022 01:12

Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 01:01

Respectfully, your husband sounds like he could do with seeing his GP as that sounds compulsively excessive. I'd genuinely be concerned

A shower once a day and sometimes twice? Are you being sarcastic here?

This!

I always shower twice a day, I don’t sweat much either. It’s just feels hygienic.

funnily enough my GP is aware this often as I once had a rash/eczema, their advice wasn’t to stop showering as frequently. They said continue the same frequency but just use different products to relieve my skin🤷🏼‍♀️

Huntswomanonthemove · 15/06/2022 01:13

If I’ve put on clean sheets, then I always shower and wash my hair. It keeps the bed clean.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 15/06/2022 01:13

She does say 'There are other low level controlling behaviours so it's honestly hard to tell whether it's a hygiene things or not- maybe a bit of both.'

BadNomad · 15/06/2022 01:14

Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 01:11

@BadNomad

Not sure why you quoted me there. I agree with what you've said. My comment was that the communication of the boundaries needs to be done respectfully, and it sounds like he was harsh and then sulked, neither of which is healthy communication, regardless of the topic.

Sorry! I'm on my phone so replying is a bit of a mess.

(Though it's even worse on the computer with the nested quotes chaos)