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I texted the other woman - AIBU about reaction from DH
162

LifeDecisions · 14/06/2022 08:20

Married for 16 years, 2 almost grown up kids. Ups and downs in married life, generally in a good place 6 months ago.

Then I noticed a change in DH, a lot quieter and less communicative. He had loads going on at work which was the answer I got when I asked about it.

But the feeling persisted that there was more to it than that, he deleted Messenger & Facebook from his iPad which I quite often use when cooking. After a couple of months of concern I snooped on his phone. My fears seemed to be real, there were messages from a female colleague that looked like there was something going on between them. Nothing specific, but the tone of the messages was more than just colleagues chatting.

I waited and watched to see his behaviour, still not very talkative. I was scared to ask him about this woman - partly because I was afraid of the answer, and partly because I would have to confess to snooping. I eventually plucked the courage to ask if there was anything between him and this woman (saying someone from work had said something). He looked me straight in the eye and denied everything.

Fast forward a month (takes time to build up courage, but also time to decide on what to do. My inner psycho-bitch was close to being released). I confronted DH with a pic of a text I had snooped. New story, colleague was very interested in him, but nothing had happened. And yes he liked the attention. And hadn’t exactly stopped the interest.

Inner psycho-bitch was getting stronger, many crazy options considered; I decided to text ‘the other woman’, TOW as she is on my phone to try and get an answer. One question at a time.

  • What did she want?
  • How long had this been going on? (with a copy of a snooped message)
  • Did she think what she was doing was ok? Lying, being TOW?
  • Did she need help to tell her husband?
It took a few messages, but eventually I got a reply, she said nothing had happened between them, he was a very good friend, that it was just text messages but she realised she had crossed a line and apologised for that.

My final message was that I didn’t really believe nothing had happened based on what I had read, and the line was very much crossed.

Later that day I picked up DH from work. He did not talk to me or look at me. I waited until after dinner - what is the problem?
He looked at me and said I had to stop, stop stalking him and stop harassing TOW.
(I have to confess to also walking past her house the previous evening, no intention of knocking on her door but perhaps spooked her).

Am I off my rocker or is it normal to have more concern for a colleague who is romantically interested in you than for your wife who you have, if not physically then mentally, cheated on?!

Of all the options I considered, the texts I sent were quite within reason (in my opinion). Or have I behaved unreasonably?

I feel like this is point in my life where the road splits and I am not sure which path to take.

OP's posts:
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MrsWooster · 14/06/2022 08:26

your DH is in the wrong to embark on an emotional affair. You are absolutely right to be offended by the disrespect, the lies, etc BUT… your behaviour by stalking her house (however you try and minimise it), and by making her rather than your husband the problem, is way out of line.
i would explain to him that I was shocked and upset and behaved badly and that this in no way excuses his behaviour. Once you’ve tried to claw back sone of the moral high ground, take it from there.

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Purringcat3 · 14/06/2022 08:27

He should be taking steps to leave his job imo if you are both serious in working on your relationship. You may both need some therapy to figure out what has gone awry

do you normally walk past her house? What was your intention?

I appreciate that these kind of situations do make you lose sight of reality though when you are in amongst such anger

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Lavender288 · 14/06/2022 08:30

How did you even know where she lives?

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PragmaticWench · 14/06/2022 08:32

Your DH is more bothered by what the OW is now thinking because he's more bothered about her than you. Harsh but true I think.

What you do with that is the question. I don't personally think you should contact her again, she's got the message that you know, I'd focus on your DH.

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RedCarsGoFaster · 14/06/2022 08:33

You're angry with the wrong person. The woman owes you nothing. Stalking is a good description of your behaviour. If she phones the police, you could be on trouble. Back off.

Your DH is the problem for you. Focus on him and his actions.

Is your marriage actually working?

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BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 08:33

Your DH and colleague are having emotional affair and it'll be only a matter of time before it becomes physical.
Whether to text the OW or not, I suppose it's your decision and it's done anyway.
The very best thing you could do now is to spend time and money on yourself. Lose weight if that's what you want. Grow your hair and get fabulous colour. Look after your skin, buy new flattering clothes and go out with your friends. Enjoy you.
Pay no attention to that rat of DH.
Going begging or being furious will not change anything, it'll make him feel he was right to look elsewhere.
Ignore him and make yourself gorgeous and enjoy your life.
It's your life.

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WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 14/06/2022 08:34

In my opinion YANBU. Your DH set off this whole chain of events by being secretive, behaving out of character, encouraging man inappropriate friendship with this woman. Sure they may not have got as far as having a physical affair - maybe and you only have their word for it which means little at this point - tbh it seems as if there was a strong mutual attraction, both of them were covering their tracks, which makes it appear strongly they were consciously crossing that line and it was a question of time before it went further.

Your DH can swear blind if was just a friendship but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then yanbu for drawing conclusions.

Loads of people will come on and tell you this is the script at work: your DH uses anger to deflect and distract from the fact it was HIS appalling behaviour and refusal to be candid that caused you to go looking for evidence.

It is entirely natural to feel furious and blame TOW too, although I think you should probably step back from being in touch with her now. Block her, delete her number and email address, don't go looking for her on SM. You have to resist it, i think, as the real problem here is your DH.

I don't know how to advise you. I would personally have a very calm conversation with DH and tell him at the start that if he became defensive, angry or showed any other negative behaviour the conversation would immediately end. I would then tell him how his behaviour has made you feel, for months on end. And that his "harmless flirtation" appears to you to have been on track for a full-blown affair. You have lost trust in him, you are hurt beyond belief, you are confused why he doesnt feel guilty and show remorse. In a situation where he can't calmly say, "I'm sorry, I did the wrong thing, I'm glad it has come to light before it went too far and I want to earn your trust again, I want to be worthy of your forgiveness, I want our marriage to be stronger and for something like this never to happen again"... if he can't say those words, then in my heart and head I wod be questioning the future of the marriage.
And that would be my reply - a calm statement that his response was inadequate, and therefore the marriage was now at stake. Then leave the ball in his court and meanwhile start thinking about what a break-up would look like. Prepare.

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BlueKaftan · 14/06/2022 08:34

I think they’re both lying and it’s more than an emotional affair. In any event, You are being gaslighted into believing you’re overreacting. This is what cheaters do. They cheat and then deny it and tell you you’re out of line for questioning them, looking for insights, and basically grieving for what you are losing.

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daisypond · 14/06/2022 08:35

You are way out of order. Your problem is with your DH. Sort it out with him.

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LIZS · 14/06/2022 08:36

You are overstepping by texting and stalking ow. Your issue is with your h who is manipulating your feelings and indulging in another relationship, be it emotional or physical.

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Freerangechildren · 14/06/2022 08:37

I understand why you would search for the truth, and now you know do you still trust him? It seems your dh is more worried about your contact with the OW than he is about the hurt he has caused you, and for that reason I think the relationship is probably over I am sorry to say. His concern should be for you, not her.

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Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/06/2022 08:37

You need to take this up with your husband only. She owes you nothing. He does. I'm surprised she didn't block your number tbh, but you need to leave her alone and not walk past her house again.

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Jellycatspyjamas · 14/06/2022 08:37

What did she want?
How long had this been going on? (with a copy of a snooped message)
Did she think what she was doing was ok? Lying, being TOW?
Did she need help to tell her husband?


The person to answer those questions from you is your husband, does he think it’s ok to lie, to have “another woman”, does he need help to tell you etc. I understand your shock and upset but the only person you should be seeking answers from is the person who made, and broke, vows to you.

If you’re sure enough to contact someone else and accuse them, you’re sure enough to be making decisions about what you want for the future of your marriage, what are you doing there?

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Freerangechildren · 14/06/2022 08:39

I also can't get worked up by you walking past her house etc, it is not a crime and you were not rude to her, given what they have done to you. It is natural to want to know what you are dealing with. Your instincts were accurate. Why is this all about 'them' suddenly? The 'them' should be you and your dh, but it no longer sounds like it to me. I would seek some legal advice, and get your life in order op. Flowers

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AnneLovesGilbert · 14/06/2022 08:41

Stop saying psycho bitch, it’s really weird especially when you seem to think you’re justified.

And how do you know where she lives?

The way you write about it sounds like take a break. Next thing you know she’ll be having his twins.

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Lovemypeaceandquiet · 14/06/2022 08:43

You might’ve successfully scared this woman off, but there can be another, and then another one after that. Are you going to spend your time in this marriage chasing off potential other women?

Your DH showed you he’s prone to crossing the line. And he’s telling you not to stalk him? Zero remorse, he’s probably pissed off you’ve ruined his emotional-soon-to be-physical affair.

Given all the facts and his attitude, I really don’t know how you could possibly trust him again.

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BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 08:45

The OW is a despicable rodent who has happily conducted emotional affair with a married man.
She and every OW deserves all the disgust and kicking she gets.
OPs DH and all DHs who have affairs are sad pathetic and weak toddlers and the main guilty parties as they were the ones breaking the wows and have a very special place in hell waiting for them.
However, nothing absolves OW from getting all the hatred and repulsion she deserves.

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DorkfromYork · 14/06/2022 08:46

Reads like a crappy amateur short story but if true you sound scary and rather unhinged.

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BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 08:47

Tossers not toddlers, although the selfish behaviour is very much the same. 🙄

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BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 08:51

OP doesn't need to trust him again, that's impossible. I doubt very much that there's much true love left in most long marriages, companionship and habits mostly.
Marriage is an economic partnership and that's how OP should view it.
Why create all the upheaval of divorce and small houses and less money if it could be avoided?

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Lovemypeaceandquiet · 14/06/2022 08:51

I can answer those for you, as it’s pretty much the same with all affair la

What did she want?
fuck your DH
How long had this been going on? (with a copy of a snooped message)
probably since you’ve noticed the change in him and deleting all the apps off the iPad
Did she think what she was doing was ok? Lying, being TOW?
she knew it wasn’t ok but she didn’t care. Just like your DH. They wanted to sleep with each other, lying to their spouses was just a collateral damage.
Did she need help to tell her husband?
of Course not, just like your husband didn’t want you to know.

m your DH is the other man too, why didn’t you ask him these questions? Why are women held to a higher standards? They are as bad as each other @LifeDecisions .

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HappypusSadpus · 14/06/2022 08:52

Leave her alone.

Focus on him and his behaviour. His actions are not her fault nor responsibility.

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Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 14/06/2022 08:54

Haha call his bluff
Tell him to shut up and stop or you'll send everything to her husband.

And then I'd do it anyway and get a solicitor.

I am sorry but he no longer loves or respects you.

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HappypusSadpus · 14/06/2022 08:54

BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 08:45

The OW is a despicable rodent who has happily conducted emotional affair with a married man.
She and every OW deserves all the disgust and kicking she gets.
OPs DH and all DHs who have affairs are sad pathetic and weak toddlers and the main guilty parties as they were the ones breaking the wows and have a very special place in hell waiting for them.
However, nothing absolves OW from getting all the hatred and repulsion she deserves.

You are vile. It lies solely with him.

Just as her responsibility lies with her own relationship.

Check your own misogyny.

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Trogbog · 14/06/2022 08:54

I’ll bite and act like this is real!

you are waaay out of line. As ppl have said, your focus is wrong. Your issue is your H, not her. Texting her to ask factual questions about what is going on, that’s maybe ok. Asking her if she thinks it’s ok, and the threat of you telling her H, that’s all bang out of line. Finding out where she lives and walking there, c’mon! You know that’s obsessive.

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