I texted the other woman - AIBU about reaction from DH

[LifeDecisions]

Married for 16 years, 2 almost grown up kids. Ups and downs in married life, generally in a good place 6 months ago.

Then I noticed a change in DH, a lot quieter and less communicative. He had loads going on at work which was the answer I got when I asked about it.

But the feeling persisted that there was more to it than that, he deleted Messenger & Facebook from his iPad which I quite often use when cooking. After a couple of months of concern I snooped on his phone. My fears seemed to be real, there were messages from a female colleague that looked like there was something going on between them. Nothing specific, but the tone of the messages was more than just colleagues chatting.

I waited and watched to see his behaviour, still not very talkative. I was scared to ask him about this woman - partly because I was afraid of the answer, and partly because I would have to confess to snooping. I eventually plucked the courage to ask if there was anything between him and this woman (saying someone from work had said something). He looked me straight in the eye and denied everything.

Fast forward a month (takes time to build up courage, but also time to decide on what to do. My inner psycho-bitch was close to being released). I confronted DH with a pic of a text I had snooped. New story, colleague was very interested in him, but nothing had happened. And yes he liked the attention. And hadn’t exactly stopped the interest.

Inner psycho-bitch was getting stronger, many crazy options considered; I decided to text ‘the other woman’, TOW as she is on my phone to try and get an answer. One question at a time.

• What did she want?


• How long had this been going on? (with a copy of a snooped message)


• Did she think what she was doing was ok? Lying, being TOW?


• Did she need help to tell her husband?

It took a few messages, but eventually I got a reply, she said nothing had happened between them, he was a very good friend, that it was just text messages but she realised she had crossed a line and apologised for that.

My final message was that I didn’t really believe nothing had happened based on what I had read, and the line was very much crossed.

Later that day I picked up DH from work. He did not talk to me or look at me. I waited until after dinner - what is the problem?
He looked at me and said I had to stop, stop stalking him and stop harassing TOW.
(I have to confess to also walking past her house the previous evening, no intention of knocking on her door but perhaps spooked her).

Am I off my rocker or is it normal to have more concern for a colleague who is romantically interested in you than for your wife who you have, if not physically then mentally, cheated on?!

Of all the options I considered, the texts I sent were quite within reason (in my opinion). Or have I behaved unreasonably?

I feel like this is point in my life where the road splits and I am not sure which path to take.

Suggesting a woman deserves a “kicking” for texting their male work colleague is what is morally repulsive and misogynist.

@BeltnBraces I know you say you’re quite well but honestly your posts read like you’re seething with anger, lashing out and something is very wrong indeed. They are actually quite concerning. Which is why folks are in fact concerned by what you are writing.

@Rainbeauxcat If people are in unhappy relationships then they ought to address that. They absolutely can be blamed for looking elsewhere. No marriage was ever fixed by one of the participants shagging someone else!
And I also disagree with the view that an ow or om doesn't owe anything morally. People do have a moral obligation to be decent to each other and not knowingly cause harm. If people don't want to be called skanky, then they shouldn't do skanky things!

Thank you for your concern 🙄, I'm not seething at all, the choice of word 'kicking' clearly meant verbal kicking, which all posters here understood very well, but chose to interrupt as physical. I never ever even think about physical violence, ever.
However, this is morally black and white.
No grey areas in infidelity.
Morally right thing to do is to end one relationship before starting another.

I think you’re off your rocker doing what you’ve done. I would be livid with you. Snooping etc, isn’t an issue. But contacting her and then walking past her HOUSE (and being seen!), is way more mad that you seem prepared to admit.

You’ve an altogether different problem which is you and your husband, if there actually is an affair going on and how you have been communicating together.

I agree with you @BeltnBraces
I perhaps wouldn't say it in quite the way you did.
But I agree any person man or woman who conducts an affair with a knowingly married person is pretty low. The married person is worse for sure, but that doesn't absolve the affair partner and they deserve to be called out on it also.

Nope, married thanks. And no affairs by either of us. And yes, I'm certain.

I stand by my point.

You are the one who has said an OW deserves a "kicking".

Do you feel the same if it's a wife with another man? Does that man deserve a kicking? Or just the women?

So you have no proof that they are having an affair beyond flirty messages yet you have emailed a colleague of your husbands and stalked her at home. Of course your husband is going to be cross. He could get into real trouble/ embarrassment at work if she complains to the bosses - at best all his colleagues will think he’s married to a psycho stalker

I’m sure you will prefer to listen to some of the nutty bitter posters on this thread who seem to be writing their own angry narrative about awful other women. The only person you should be taking this up with is your husband & on the evidence you have so far, I don’t think you’ll get very far with him either.

They are both morally repulsive, however, TOW owes you nothing whereas your husband owes you everything.

stop focusing on her, and don’t contact her or go to her house. I’m not sure what you hoped to achieve in doing so.

claw back some dignity and focus on your marriage & what you want to do now

Oh, do read my post and stop making it all about one word, which clearly means verbal kicking.
Infidelity is morally reprehensible and absolutely black and white.
Stop justifying OW.
Or OM, both reprehensible and guilty as hell in front of their partners.
Why is it so difficult to understand?🤓

The OP has zero proof that this women is having an affair with her husband yet you continue to spout venom about people you don’t know. You seem awfully angry - do you not think you’re projecting a bit here?

It's mumsnet, who needs proof.

I'm not talking about OP and her situation, moved to generalisations after the first 2 posts🤓
My beef is with wonky morality projected by so many posters on this thread.
No wonder lowlifes cheat as willing ones aplenty.

There are some really nasty comments on here - calling the OP off her rocker and unhinged. She’s just found inappropriate messages from another woman to her husband. Why shouldn’t she let the OW know that she knows? Why should the OW ‘get away’ with knowingly message a married man?

Your anger should be directed at your husband. Leave her alone and stop stalking her. It was very creepy to walk outside her house. Don't try to contact her or look her up online or otherwise. Forget her.

I feel like this is point in my life where the road splits and I am not sure which path to take.

@LifeDecisions bottom line is that you dint trust either your DH or the OW.
You feel, from the messages, that a line has been crossed (re emotional affair). The OW says she probably crossed a one and apologises. Your DH hasn’t apologised at all for the messages and his part in the ‘conversations’ (parait from the fact he enjoyed the attention). I don’t think there is anything else to say tbh.

If you feel your DH has gone over your boundaries, then he has. Your choices are either to separate or to do a lot of work on your marriage but that will need the full cooperation of your dh. And I’m getting the feeling he doesn’t think it was a big issue??

Well I knowingly message my married work colleagues. Doesn’t mean I’m going to shag em or even fancy them.

and people are saying address it with her husband first. Which is the right way forward. But she’s claiming to be scared to do so, which indicates maybe she is scared he will leave her so wants to take the route of trying to scare off this woman, but loitering outside her house ain’t the way to go. And she will have been loitering as the woman saw her.

she clearly found out where the woman lived, and then went to her home and made sure the woman saw her. If you think that’s ok then have a word with your local police officer.

I think the way you are going about it is strange & not helpful for you. Leave her aline & focus on him. My sil was the OW once & 22 years later her & my bro are still seemingly happily married with 4 kids but his recollection of his ex wife is that she was an unhinged nutter & he was glad to get away from her as had she not harassed his mistress he would have given her the explanations she wanted rather than biding his time to leave her & walking out, whether that’s true I don’t know but I think by behaving irrationally you’re not doing yourself any favours. You can’t change the fact he’s having an affair if he has already but you can influence what truth he tells you

She doesn’t even know if they are having an affair!

This

That post does not make you sound happy.

He’s unreasonable, not you. Im impressed he had the balls to confront you about this. He’s out of order and needs to get his priorities straight. It’s not feeling like you’re the priority…

Both of you have weirdly rounded in on her rather than each other.

You quizzed her rather than your husband... and went to her house?!

He defended her over you.

Nonsense the blame lies with both parties.
Married men and women are out of bounds for relationships, there should be zero interest from others when it's clear the people involved are married.
Go tempt, entice, somewhere more approrpiate.

End of.

OP, just so you know many of us who have been in this position and have done things that they wouldn't have done in hindsight when the balance of mind is often very disturbed - me included. However when you have finances and lives totally intertwined then it's natural to want both proof and evidence before you confront someone because the chances are your partner sure as hell will minimise anything. I always suspect those who say they would never snoop, never try and get to the bottom of something are those who haven't experienced it. I have several friends 50s and 60s who wish they had actually snooped before a time bomb was lobbed into their lives. At least now you know what he's capable of, so if he was on a pedestal , he should now be off it smartish- make sure you have your own cash you can access, know what assets you have between you and keep up with your friends- you might need them!!