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Original poster

I texted the other woman - AIBU about reaction from DH

163 replies

LifeDecisions · 14/06/2022 08:20

Married for 16 years, 2 almost grown up kids. Ups and downs in married life, generally in a good place 6 months ago.

Then I noticed a change in DH, a lot quieter and less communicative. He had loads going on at work which was the answer I got when I asked about it.

But the feeling persisted that there was more to it than that, he deleted Messenger & Facebook from his iPad which I quite often use when cooking. After a couple of months of concern I snooped on his phone. My fears seemed to be real, there were messages from a female colleague that looked like there was something going on between them. Nothing specific, but the tone of the messages was more than just colleagues chatting.

I waited and watched to see his behaviour, still not very talkative. I was scared to ask him about this woman - partly because I was afraid of the answer, and partly because I would have to confess to snooping. I eventually plucked the courage to ask if there was anything between him and this woman (saying someone from work had said something). He looked me straight in the eye and denied everything.

Fast forward a month (takes time to build up courage, but also time to decide on what to do. My inner psycho-bitch was close to being released). I confronted DH with a pic of a text I had snooped. New story, colleague was very interested in him, but nothing had happened. And yes he liked the attention. And hadn’t exactly stopped the interest.

Inner psycho-bitch was getting stronger, many crazy options considered; I decided to text ‘the other woman’, TOW as she is on my phone to try and get an answer. One question at a time.


  • What did she want?

  • How long had this been going on? (with a copy of a snooped message)

  • Did she think what she was doing was ok? Lying, being TOW?

  • Did she need help to tell her husband?

It took a few messages, but eventually I got a reply, she said nothing had happened between them, he was a very good friend, that it was just text messages but she realised she had crossed a line and apologised for that.

My final message was that I didn’t really believe nothing had happened based on what I had read, and the line was very much crossed.

Later that day I picked up DH from work. He did not talk to me or look at me. I waited until after dinner - what is the problem?
He looked at me and said I had to stop, stop stalking him and stop harassing TOW.
(I have to confess to also walking past her house the previous evening, no intention of knocking on her door but perhaps spooked her).

Am I off my rocker or is it normal to have more concern for a colleague who is romantically interested in you than for your wife who you have, if not physically then mentally, cheated on?!

Of all the options I considered, the texts I sent were quite within reason (in my opinion). Or have I behaved unreasonably?

I feel like this is point in my life where the road splits and I am not sure which path to take.

OP posts:
BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 15:21

It's not my opinion. Do you understand the concept of morality?
Thought not.

Tusinsm · 14/06/2022 15:21

What's wrong with you.

Trogbog · 14/06/2022 15:27

BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 13:59

@trogbag, I do not agree with you. There are moral absolutes and this is one of them.
Your ability to understand people who conduct affairs says very much about how your faulty moral compass is.
One doesn't have to leave but one must be honest with their partner and tell them that relationship as they know it is over and give their partner agency over their own life.
Rats, dirty rats et al ad infinitum, is how cheaters have been called throughout ages.
They really are lowest of the low.
I am not seething nor angry nor projecting, moral dilemmas fascinate me.

There are moral absolutes and this is one of them
There are moral absolutes but a wide spectrum of situations and people and behaviour does not make one single category that one can be absolute about.

Your ability to understand people who conduct affairs says very much about how your faulty moral compass is
Calling the ability to empathise a 'faulty moral compass' has to be the most batshit things I have heard on this often batshit site. Only empathising with people who do things you find agreeable is a very stunted and ineffective form of empathy. I do hope you do not work in talking therapies!

One doesn't have to leave but one must be honest with their partner and tell them that relationship as they know it is over and give their partner agency over their own life
I generally agree with this. The difference between you and me is that I do not dehumanise with slurs people who have failed to do this. For some, I can understand where their dilemma is.

moral dilemmas fascinate me
People who are interested in moral dilemmas, need first to be able to see them as dilemmas...

Youaremysunshine14 · 14/06/2022 15:30

BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 15:21

It's not my opinion. Do you understand the concept of morality?
Thought not.

You've blown your own argument. Concept does not mean fact. It means idea. Your 'concept' of morality is simply your idea of it.

I texted the other woman - AIBU about reaction from DH
BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 15:37

Shat you both are saying, in so many words, is that you condone cheating.

Trogbog · 14/06/2022 15:49

BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 15:37

Shat you both are saying, in so many words, is that you condone cheating.

I think what I have, very clearly and repeatedly said, that in some circumstances I absolutely judge those who cheat. In others, I understand the path that led people to cheat. But in some limited circumstances I would not judge the person who had the affair and in some limited circumstances I would not really call it cheating at all. For example. if the partner had behaved so badly to their spouse that they had effectively broken the bonds of the relationship already, such as an abusive partner.

The fact that you cannot see that people can distinguish between different circumstances, is due to your need to be absolutist. Even when people are saying, ' well in some circumstances I judge but not in others' you are unable to take that on its plain meaning but have an inner motivation to reframe it in the way you do above.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 14/06/2022 15:51

Are they actually having an affair? What did the msgs say cos you’ve not said anything remotely that would make it look like they are just that in your opinion the ‘tone’ of the msgs make you think they are.

Why are you stalking her house?
Seems a bit weird.

Youaremysunshine14 · 14/06/2022 15:53

BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 15:37

Shat you both are saying, in so many words, is that you condone cheating.

No at all, I'm just pointing out that you're incorrect with your definition. I abhor cheating.

BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 16:02

Nope. Read through your epics and it's rather glaring. Cheating is ok in some circumstances. 🙄

Youaremysunshine14 · 14/06/2022 16:04

BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 16:02

Nope. Read through your epics and it's rather glaring. Cheating is ok in some circumstances. 🙄

Is that aimed at me? What are epics?!

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 14/06/2022 16:05

@Rainbeauxcat

"However you can’t blame people who are in unhappy relationships or where the relationship has run its course for looking elsewhere."

Err actually I can.

If anyone isn't happy with the relationship they have, then the mature and sensible course if action is to flag that up to the other person. Then to try and find ways to resolve the issues - which may or may not be successful.

All affairs can cause bad marriages but not all bad marriages cause affairs.

Having an affair, cheating on a spouse/partner, lying to them, diverting family time and money away from the marriage to the other party - these are no way to solve problems in a marriage.

Sunsetboulevard22 · 14/06/2022 16:23

I don’t blame anyone for wanting to find out what is going on as it may have massive impact on their life, and I don’t think it’s helpful to say negative things to the OP.

I was on this very forum at the beginning of 2021 saying about how I thought my husband was having an affair with a work colleague.

I explained how she had shared details of how her marriage was in trouble after she had a miscarriage as her husband was not very supportive, she told my husband how her husband was envious of her career, my husband could tell me how much she was earning (she as his manager), how much her childcare costs were, how her parents hated her husband because he was a different religion from them. I admitted that I was curious about her and I checked her fb page out once. I explained how I just had this gut feeling that something wasn’t right. I even explained how an address from the area where she came from was stored as a saved address in his sat nav. I explained how my husband would tell me I was being irrational, I explained how he spoke to family members to say I thought he was having an affair, and I was “losing the plot” he even told my adult son I was losing the plot, and people on mumsnet said I was a stalker, I had mental health issues and that my husband was right I needed to seek some help as there was no proof of an affair….do you know what, he was having an affair, and it was with her.

Oh and I did go to her house to tell her husband whilst she was in London shagging my husband. The affair had been going on for quite some time, and the sat nav had showed how many times he had visited her house.

OP, you have done what you need to do, I wish you well with whatever decision you take.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 14/06/2022 16:30

To follow on from my previous post, OP.

IMO you're aiming at the wrong target. You need to stop making the OW more important that what she is. Remember, she's not special, she was just available.

Your DH is the problem here. Instead of dealing maturely with whatever issues he felt were in the marriage (real or imagined) he decided to escape into a fantasy relationship.

Only you can decide if you want to stay in a marriage with someone who has such poor problem-solving skills, an inability to communicate, disrespects both you and your marriage and is capable of such duplicity.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I have been where you are now and I know it isn't a good place to be. x

BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 16:31

Fuck me, sunshine, it is dim out there today, dontyathink?🙄

Youaremysunshine14 · 14/06/2022 16:37

BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 16:31

Fuck me, sunshine, it is dim out there today, dontyathink?🙄

Just because I asked a question of clarification I'm dim? Well aren't you a peach.

drlel · 14/06/2022 17:40

Why do you even care if you've upset your DH?? You should be leaving him never mind tip toeing around worried about upsetting him?

You talk about your inner psycho bitch. She sounds like she's been pretty quiet....I'd have gone psych long ago

eatingapie · 14/06/2022 18:10

@Sunsetboulevard22 it sounds like you had noticed quite a lot of indications that your partner was having an affair though and a woman sharing so much about their life would be a bit strange and make me suspicious too… some messages in an unspecified ‘tone’ could be as straightforward as a friendly work relationship. I really don’t see how anyone could conclude OP’s husband was up to no good from the scant info in the OP.

SausageAndCash · 14/06/2022 18:24

OP / @LifeDecisions ,

What did the msg say? That gave you ammunition to say she was lying?

If the msg was conclusive, why didn’t you just confront your DH with it?

I wouldn’t have contacted her, I think it makes you look desperate and risks making a fool of yourself.

Why did you have to ask him what the problem was when you picked him up? Surely it was obvious that she would immediately relay the whole exchange to him! And that he wouldn’t be delighted.

Yes his behaviour is very dodgy.

Deal with him.

BadNomad · 14/06/2022 18:47

I don't think a "tone" is enough to justify harassing someone like that. What was the purpose of walking outside her house? Were you trying to intimidate her?

Frankola · 14/06/2022 19:17

It's an emotional affair. And your dh seems to be more concerned with her feelings than yours.

I'd take a break from your relationship if I were you. Throw him for a loop. Do you have somewhere you could go for a few days? Or does he have somewhere he can go?

Doing something like that might force him to reconsider his behaviour

Villagewaspbyke · 14/06/2022 19:35

BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 15:37

Shat you both are saying, in so many words, is that you condone cheating.

No one is saying that.

Villagewaspbyke · 14/06/2022 19:38

Sunsetboulevard22 · 14/06/2022 16:23

I don’t blame anyone for wanting to find out what is going on as it may have massive impact on their life, and I don’t think it’s helpful to say negative things to the OP.

I was on this very forum at the beginning of 2021 saying about how I thought my husband was having an affair with a work colleague.

I explained how she had shared details of how her marriage was in trouble after she had a miscarriage as her husband was not very supportive, she told my husband how her husband was envious of her career, my husband could tell me how much she was earning (she as his manager), how much her childcare costs were, how her parents hated her husband because he was a different religion from them. I admitted that I was curious about her and I checked her fb page out once. I explained how I just had this gut feeling that something wasn’t right. I even explained how an address from the area where she came from was stored as a saved address in his sat nav. I explained how my husband would tell me I was being irrational, I explained how he spoke to family members to say I thought he was having an affair, and I was “losing the plot” he even told my adult son I was losing the plot, and people on mumsnet said I was a stalker, I had mental health issues and that my husband was right I needed to seek some help as there was no proof of an affair….do you know what, he was having an affair, and it was with her.

Oh and I did go to her house to tell her husband whilst she was in London shagging my husband. The affair had been going on for quite some time, and the sat nav had showed how many times he had visited her house.

OP, you have done what you need to do, I wish you well with whatever decision you take.

That’s your experience. Not everyone who texts a colleague is having an affair with them though. If this was a man doing this to his wife we would call it controlling behavior. And it is.

Jakeyachey · 14/06/2022 20:45

Sunsetboulevard22 · 14/06/2022 16:23

I don’t blame anyone for wanting to find out what is going on as it may have massive impact on their life, and I don’t think it’s helpful to say negative things to the OP.

I was on this very forum at the beginning of 2021 saying about how I thought my husband was having an affair with a work colleague.

I explained how she had shared details of how her marriage was in trouble after she had a miscarriage as her husband was not very supportive, she told my husband how her husband was envious of her career, my husband could tell me how much she was earning (she as his manager), how much her childcare costs were, how her parents hated her husband because he was a different religion from them. I admitted that I was curious about her and I checked her fb page out once. I explained how I just had this gut feeling that something wasn’t right. I even explained how an address from the area where she came from was stored as a saved address in his sat nav. I explained how my husband would tell me I was being irrational, I explained how he spoke to family members to say I thought he was having an affair, and I was “losing the plot” he even told my adult son I was losing the plot, and people on mumsnet said I was a stalker, I had mental health issues and that my husband was right I needed to seek some help as there was no proof of an affair….do you know what, he was having an affair, and it was with her.

Oh and I did go to her house to tell her husband whilst she was in London shagging my husband. The affair had been going on for quite some time, and the sat nav had showed how many times he had visited her house.

OP, you have done what you need to do, I wish you well with whatever decision you take.

im sure you’d be the first to admit your circumstances are unusual and you don’t mean to be cunty and panic the op?

LoekMa · 14/06/2022 21:12

@BeltnBraces giving off serious Alice Evans vibes, three sharp ones in, typos and everything 😂 how pathetic.

Yes, let the poor sod stay around and keep you fed, who cares about his feelings or if he and his wife are in a sham marriage both are unhappy with

Yellowhase · 14/06/2022 21:12

I think you were brave messaging the other woman.
BUT
it’s likely neither of them would be honest.
go to counselling with your dh if he doesn’t agree you know where you stand.