I texted the other woman - AIBU about reaction from DH

[LifeDecisions]

Married for 16 years, 2 almost grown up kids. Ups and downs in married life, generally in a good place 6 months ago.

Then I noticed a change in DH, a lot quieter and less communicative. He had loads going on at work which was the answer I got when I asked about it.

But the feeling persisted that there was more to it than that, he deleted Messenger & Facebook from his iPad which I quite often use when cooking. After a couple of months of concern I snooped on his phone. My fears seemed to be real, there were messages from a female colleague that looked like there was something going on between them. Nothing specific, but the tone of the messages was more than just colleagues chatting.

I waited and watched to see his behaviour, still not very talkative. I was scared to ask him about this woman - partly because I was afraid of the answer, and partly because I would have to confess to snooping. I eventually plucked the courage to ask if there was anything between him and this woman (saying someone from work had said something). He looked me straight in the eye and denied everything.

Fast forward a month (takes time to build up courage, but also time to decide on what to do. My inner psycho-bitch was close to being released). I confronted DH with a pic of a text I had snooped. New story, colleague was very interested in him, but nothing had happened. And yes he liked the attention. And hadn’t exactly stopped the interest.

Inner psycho-bitch was getting stronger, many crazy options considered; I decided to text ‘the other woman’, TOW as she is on my phone to try and get an answer. One question at a time.

• What did she want?


• How long had this been going on? (with a copy of a snooped message)


• Did she think what she was doing was ok? Lying, being TOW?


• Did she need help to tell her husband?

It took a few messages, but eventually I got a reply, she said nothing had happened between them, he was a very good friend, that it was just text messages but she realised she had crossed a line and apologised for that.

My final message was that I didn’t really believe nothing had happened based on what I had read, and the line was very much crossed.

Later that day I picked up DH from work. He did not talk to me or look at me. I waited until after dinner - what is the problem?
He looked at me and said I had to stop, stop stalking him and stop harassing TOW.
(I have to confess to also walking past her house the previous evening, no intention of knocking on her door but perhaps spooked her).

Am I off my rocker or is it normal to have more concern for a colleague who is romantically interested in you than for your wife who you have, if not physically then mentally, cheated on?!

Of all the options I considered, the texts I sent were quite within reason (in my opinion). Or have I behaved unreasonably?

I feel like this is point in my life where the road splits and I am not sure which path to take.

Stop making a fool of yourself and texting her and waking past her house etc.

You are wasting your time and energy as she owes you nothing and is irrelevant.

It's your husband and yourself that you need to concentrate on.

He's a no good lying and deceitful cheat so either get rid of him or believe his lies.

This. ^ It's him you should be venting at, not her. He's your husband, she's nothing to you.

And stop calling yourself psycho bitch. It just plays into the misogynistic idea that women get jealous and can't control themselves.

That post does not make you sound happy.

What @BeltnBraces said is absolutely right, people need to lay off. I think the harsh tone was due to others completely exonerating the woman, which is plain weird. If you were in that situation, you shouldn't be thinking that.

And Belt clarified that the man, of course, is much worse because he betrayed his partner. Just that the other woman isn't innocent either. A fairly reasonable sentiment and absolutely no indication of a persons unhappiness.

I thought that too ????

you are waaay out of line. As ppl have said, your focus is wrong. Your issue is your H, not her. Texting her to ask factual questions about what is going on, that’s maybe ok. Asking her if she thinks it’s ok, and the threat of you telling her H, that’s all bang out of line. Finding out where she lives and walking there, c’mon! You know that’s obsessive.

All of that. Plus of course, much as people here are telling you they're DEFINITELY sleeping together, you actually don't know that. You said yourself that there was nothing specific in the messages, and that it was just the tone you didn't like.

So if they were just good friends, with neither of them actually crossing the line, you'll have done a good job in throwing them together. Nothing like stalking the woman's house to make your DH feel protective of her.

Does your DH work in the TV industry? Maybe as an Editor ?

You overstepped and now you sound crazy.
Hes in the wrong for what he did but your coming out of thisd looking like the reason why hes cheating. Psyco

😂

So there were actually no inappropriate messages, you just didn't like the tone? And as far as you know, all that has happened is that your husband enjoys the attention and has been encouraging or at least not stopping the colleague? Stop calling her TOW, stop harassing her and deal with your dear husband.

You went to her house? Yeah, way out of line.

She literally went to her house, that is unhinged.

The OPs H has admitted he is aware TOW is interested in him, he likes the attention and is doing nothing to stop it. He’s ripe for an affair if he hasn’t started one already.

She certainly is TOW! She knows he’s married and is pursuing him. She admitted a line had been crossed. OP was right to call her out. She’s trash just like the OPs H.

Sorry OP but if this has been going on for 6 months, I’d say they are already enmeshed and likely they have already progressed to physical even if not sex. You ‘outing’ them is likely to bring them closed together against the ‘crazy’ wife.

If my DH did this, we’d be over. He’s shown he’s more interested in TOW than you, nor does he care that he’s upset and betrayed you by encouraging interest (if nothing else which is unlikely) from TOW.

Tell him to fuck off with her. Make sure your DC know why. They are old enough.

Calling people ‘rats’ ‘dirt’ and deserving a ‘kicking’ ( whether verbal or not) is not in anyway reasonable. It’s the language that people use when they are in distressed states.
That poster has said things are ‘black and white’ and I think this explains her position. Things are rarely black and white, and I’d hope most people become more aware of that as they move through adulthood. People and life is complicated. And you only need to look at the relationships board to see that people often do not feel in positions to ‘just leave’ as that poster said the should ‘Simples’ do. There are situations I do judge those who have affairs but sometimes, in some situations, I can see how their situation led them to choose, often in constrained circumstances, that path. And to dismiss the whole of a person, to dehumanize them as a ‘rat’ or ‘dirt’ is just barking, frankly.

To think situations are black and white. To think people are either ‘good’ or ‘rats’ is, literally, childlike thinking.

Ha! Just got it 😂

He's been sneaky. His change of behaviour has caused you to be concerned and then he deleted social media from his 'phone which is another red flag, and then you find messages to a female work colleague..........

He's told you lies. I wonder why he felt the need to do that then ??

It's all on him OP. Your relationship is with him and that is what needs sorting out. If the other woman has issues in her relationship it's nothing to do with you really, but I can see why you feel so enraged and not yourself.

You have done nothing wrong. Your husband is a lying gaslighting weasel - fuck him of to fuckland and live your best life without him.

@Trogbog I didn't see that one, I don't think. I mean... strong words but nobody is forced to commit adultery. If pp has been the wife in the situation, I can't blame her for feeling jaded. If somebody called me a rat for breaking up (potentially) 2 families for a shag (as either a wife or OW).. I'd say fair enough, really.

Exception being if they didn't know in which case it's unhinged to put any blame on the woman. But I really don't blame anyone for being angry, my ex impregnated someone weeks after me and steam was chugging from my ears that day😂

Having said that, there's no use being angry at OW and lashing out. It doesn't help, the best revenge is always happiness and success🤷🏼‍♀️

😂

@trogbag, I do not agree with you. There are moral absolutes and this is one of them.
Your ability to understand people who conduct affairs says very much about how your faulty moral compass is.
One doesn't have to leave but one must be honest with their partner and tell them that relationship as they know it is over and give their partner agency over their own life.
Rats, dirty rats et al ad infinitum, is how cheaters have been called throughout ages.
They really are lowest of the low.
I am not seething nor angry nor projecting, moral dilemmas fascinate me.

I don’t understand the comments that it’s solely his responsibility, surely both her DH and the OW are at fault?
Why can’t both be held accountable?
I wouldn’t call walking past someone’s house stalking but it’s not helpful or productive, your DH doesn’t seem to be showing any remorse for the pain he is putting you through, right now he should be making plans to find a new job, blocking the OW and begging for forgiveness!

I absolutely agree with @MyneighbourisTotoro . Yes her husband owes her more, but any woman or man should have the respect not to do this to another. Behaving in this way is completely immoral and shows your character to be seriously flawed. If you want to be with someone else then end it with your dh/dw first.

You were cross and wanted to find out what had happened, you didn't stalk her and I can completely understand your actions. Your dh is clearly on her side not yours, which tells you all you need to know. I think it will be better for you not to be with him as he sounds terrible.

@BeltnBraces as you say you're fascinated by moral dilemmas you ought to realise you are indeed projecting your own views. For you @Trogbog may have a damaged moral compass but at the same time she could say the same about yours. We all March to the beat of a different drum and for some affairs etc may be normal. We simply judge others based on our own opinions.

BigFatliar, you are wrong. There is such thing as morally reprehensible action and no drum you bang and hop to is going to make it OK.

Disagreeing with you doesn’t make it wrong & you right. Your opinion is not fact unfortunately,