I texted the other woman - AIBU about reaction from DH

[LifeDecisions]

Married for 16 years, 2 almost grown up kids. Ups and downs in married life, generally in a good place 6 months ago.

Then I noticed a change in DH, a lot quieter and less communicative. He had loads going on at work which was the answer I got when I asked about it.

But the feeling persisted that there was more to it than that, he deleted Messenger & Facebook from his iPad which I quite often use when cooking. After a couple of months of concern I snooped on his phone. My fears seemed to be real, there were messages from a female colleague that looked like there was something going on between them. Nothing specific, but the tone of the messages was more than just colleagues chatting.

I waited and watched to see his behaviour, still not very talkative. I was scared to ask him about this woman - partly because I was afraid of the answer, and partly because I would have to confess to snooping. I eventually plucked the courage to ask if there was anything between him and this woman (saying someone from work had said something). He looked me straight in the eye and denied everything.

Fast forward a month (takes time to build up courage, but also time to decide on what to do. My inner psycho-bitch was close to being released). I confronted DH with a pic of a text I had snooped. New story, colleague was very interested in him, but nothing had happened. And yes he liked the attention. And hadn’t exactly stopped the interest.

Inner psycho-bitch was getting stronger, many crazy options considered; I decided to text ‘the other woman’, TOW as she is on my phone to try and get an answer. One question at a time.

• What did she want?


• How long had this been going on? (with a copy of a snooped message)


• Did she think what she was doing was ok? Lying, being TOW?


• Did she need help to tell her husband?

It took a few messages, but eventually I got a reply, she said nothing had happened between them, he was a very good friend, that it was just text messages but she realised she had crossed a line and apologised for that.

My final message was that I didn’t really believe nothing had happened based on what I had read, and the line was very much crossed.

Later that day I picked up DH from work. He did not talk to me or look at me. I waited until after dinner - what is the problem?
He looked at me and said I had to stop, stop stalking him and stop harassing TOW.
(I have to confess to also walking past her house the previous evening, no intention of knocking on her door but perhaps spooked her).

Am I off my rocker or is it normal to have more concern for a colleague who is romantically interested in you than for your wife who you have, if not physically then mentally, cheated on?!

Of all the options I considered, the texts I sent were quite within reason (in my opinion). Or have I behaved unreasonably?

I feel like this is point in my life where the road splits and I am not sure which path to take.

Keep all evidence. He is having an affair. Physical or emotional- all the same thing. Face it. If you want to shock the hell out of him, serve him divorce papers out of the blue and cite her as other woman. This will either shock him into treating you like a human or fast track you to where you will eventually be anyway. You can do it cheaply via Internet.

You can't cite anyone now can you? It's all no-fault now.

You sound very unhappy. I hope you find a way to heal

Yes, you are off your rocker.
Yes, he's probably having an affair.
Direct your anger at him and leave her alone. I'd go to the police if you harrassed me the way you're harrassing her.

Blimey, why are you stalking her and scared to talk to your husband? Stalking is creepy as fuck. How did you find out where she lived?

I agree that she is mainly irrelevant. It’s your dh that you need to concentrate on.

You have to leave her alone now. You’ve tried talking to her and it didn’t help. It didn’t provide the answers you wanted and it didn’t leave you feeling like you now know the truth and can begin rebuilding trust with your H. You’ve been told to stop contacting her. You really need to do that. You can’t keep trying to meet her or talk to her or keep walking past her house. It doesn’t matter that she’s the OW or almost OW or whatever. You do not want to be having this conversation with the police instead of MN.

Dump your husband. Or make it a condition of your continued marriage that he changes jobs. Or whatever might work for you. But you really have to leave the OW alone now.

OP,

I would be organising myself and getting out.
Your relationship is over.

He certainly doesn't respect you.

Keep those screenshots.

Whether you send them to her husband or not is for another day, but your real focus should be protecting yourself as you exit this relationship.

I'd be fuming that he cares more about her than you OP. Speaks volumes - please stop stalking her.

Finding out that your partner has betrayed you messes with your head big time, it certainly did with me , I didn't act relationally and did things that I absolutely wouldn't do under normal circumstances.
It's an awful feeling.

*rationally

You did right to pull her up on it, but now you should focus on your husband problem and do not let him turn it around on you.

It sounds like your husband checked out of the relationship with you some months ago. He is clearly not willing to end the relationship with OW, so your marriage is over. He has no respect for you or your feelings.

Stop stalking the OW, you are losing any dignity and you come across as deranged. She can have the lying cheating creep.

See a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Your husband no doubt values his home comforts but he can’t have that and OW.

@BeltnBraces while I understand the feeling in the beginning she needs to focus on her husband. My aunt divorced her husband for serial infidelity when I was 18, we were and are with her 100%. She hate´s their guts. I am 48 now nearly and she hasn´t been able to let go of that anger and it has eaten her up. Really sad actually.

I suppose it depends what where in the the messages ?

So there isn’t any evidence of an affair and you have found messages containing what amounts to a flirty ‘tone’…

I mean it’s quite possible nothing has happened and you now look completely mad.

it is absolutely not normal to ‘walk past’ a woman’s house cos you think she might be having an affair with your husband. If this was me I would assume the relationship was a mess because your husband has a difficult wife.

I'm very happy, thank you, above posters.
Any person who knowingly engages in flirting with aim to seduce and fuck a married person is a rat and deserves every bit of disgust and revulsion they get. END OF.
There, clarified it for you.
Stop justifying OWs behaviour because she is a woman.
A grown woman is not a holy cow and should have a moral compass that prevents her becoming OW.
No fucking justification for being one.
DH is far, far mor guilty in his marriage as he broke the wows but OW knew what she was doing and thus lowered herself to the level of dirt.
Simples.🙄

I don’t think you have proof there was any affair going on emotional or physical. Your DH did not give you a “new story”. It’s all the same story- nothing has happened and they’ve perhaps been a bit friendlier or flirtier in their texts/messages than you would like.

You fabricated nonexistent workplace gossip to tell your DH to try and pressure him into a false confession.

Your behaviour in finding where this work colleague lives, going there, and walking by her home is stalkery behaviour. We’ve had quite a few murders of women by women over a man and the murderer does often start by stalking her victim to be, checking out her house. So that is completely unacceptable and crosses the line massively. She would have every right to call the police on you.

I don’t know why you even texted her if you had zero intention of believing anything she says. You essentially texted back to call her a big fat liar.

Now is your husband in TV production?

it is absolutely not normal to ‘walk past’ a woman’s house cos you think she might be having an affair with your husband. If this was me I would assume the relationship was a mess because your husband has a difficult wife.

Now that's a misogynistic post, not the one about ow being a rodent!
The lies and the gaslighting is what drives a person crazy. There's nothing wrong in seeking the truth about your own life!
OP, I don't think your behaviour has tipped into stalking - your husband may not like it but he's the shifty bastard who has driven you to these methods of establishing truth. I wouldn't worry about police involvement, they barely do anything about actual stalkers and good luck to ow in hiding her behaviour from her own husband if she went down this route.

But other posters are right in that one isn't your main problem, the real issue is your h showing more concern for impact on ow than for you! I think it's time you considered your options and got some legal advice.

The sex of the other person is irrelevant. They aren't the ones who made marriage vows. How do you know they aimed to seduce anyone? They don't owe anything to anyone. Morally or legally.

The only culpable person who deserves derision is the married one.

She deserves a “kicking”. For texting someone?

This is pretty scary behavior op. These questions need to be addressed to your dh not some woman you are jealous of. And the “walking past” her house is unacceptable. She may call the police as it sounds like you are harassing her.

you can’t stop your dh having affairs by stalking any colleagues he texts. You need to be able to trust him. If you can’t, time to move on.

Bullshit. She is morally repulsive and engaging in morally bankrupt behaviour.
Stop justifying OW.
Or, are you one as well?🙄

He texting someone from work. That’s not grounds for divorce. It’s perfectly normal. You can’t “cite anyone as any thing in a divorce action because she texted your dh.

in any event it’s no fault now.

Hmm @BeltnBraces

Lot of internalised misogyny going on. So the OW in this case is an evil seductress who no married man can resist? Bollocks.

Of course people shouldn’t lie to their partners. However you can’t blame people who are in unhappy relationships or where the relationship has run its course for looking elsewhere. ‘Hatred and revulsion’ say more about you than them.