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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just had a WhatsApp from my colleagues wife

714 replies

BlueMoone · 10/06/2022 22:07

I work in a freelance creative industry (TV production) where I will be contracted on a project for a finite amount of time. My current role is 16 weeks and I'm 6 weeks in. I'm self employed and very very pleased to have the contract as sometimes I go a couple of months between contracts and have to budget to make the money stretch the whole year. Being self employed I don't get holiday pay or anything like that (just demonstrating how precious the work is to me.)

My role involves being paired with another freelance professional and the two of us work together in an edit suite reporting to senior members of staff but essentially it's just the two of us for the vast majority of the day.

This job was the first time I had met this guy, usually you work with people on the circuit but I hadn't come across him before. We get in great, he's 15 years older than me but seems young in his outlook and we have enjoyed chatting and having a laugh at work.

He told me about how he met his wife online and got her pregnant on their second date and now they're married and their child is about six months old. FWIW I live with my long term partner. He would sometimes tell me how his wife and he would argue but always in a jokey tone, he probably did share too much but not just about his relationship about loads of stuff - mostly just idle chat as we worked.

This evening I have received a WhatsApp from his wife (must have taken my number from his phone) telling me to stop calling him, he's a married man and he has a child and I need to back off and stay away from her husband. I had a missed call from him yesterday evening, called back assuming a work thing and he didn't pick up. Wasn't mentioned at work today I didn't think anything of it.

What do I reply? I don't want things to be awkward at work and don't want to put my job in jeopardy by giving the impression at work we are not being professional. We are doing a good job with good feedback. Should I message my colleague and tell him?

OP posts:
JedEye · 11/06/2022 08:11

ivykaty44 · 11/06/2022 07:51

In your position I’d attack rather than defending

text back your going to report for harassment and stalking to police

email boss and state through no provocation you’re being harassed by this mans wife and is it the first time she has done this to a colleague of her husband? Let them know you’re considering contacting the police for stalking and harassment as this has totally unacceptable behaviour.

OP would look like a right loony if she did this!!

diningiswest · 11/06/2022 08:11

Everyone in tv is saying the same thing - your PM will be grateful if you let them know this morning. Do this, have a quick chat and then have a lovely weekend.

Eddielizzard · 11/06/2022 08:15

I also think he won't look good asking to change colleagues. I think it's more likely he'll tell his wife he'll ask for a change, not do anything, and stop his mentionitis pronto. End of drama. You can agree between you to never talk of this again.

Hopefully that isn't wishful thinking.

Glitternails1 · 11/06/2022 08:19

JimmyShoo · 10/06/2022 22:16

I don’t think this was meant for me, I am your husband’s colleague and our relationship is a professional one only.

This. If she keeps harassing you after this say that he’s old enough to be your dad and then don’t engage any further.

suchasadcliche · 11/06/2022 08:20

Why would you not reply? Poor woman. He has probably got mentionitis about you and her mind is running away with itself. Doesn't sound like they had a very solid relationship before child so no wonder to be honest. 6 months post partum can be a really lonely time. Also, if your industry is as you describe (blacklisting etc) I don't think you can ignore this.

Personally, I would just reply along the lines of hi x, y has told me all about you. Really sorry but I think you have got the wrong end of the stick. We are just working together on x project but I know that this line of work can seem a bit over the top sometimes. Maybe we could all get together for lunch (my partner too) one day - it would be nice to meet you and child.

MigsandTiggs · 11/06/2022 08:22

EmilyBolton · 10/06/2022 22:43

Do not respond to her. Block her number if she contacted from different number

then sit down and write a formal letter to your coworker.

explain what happened, include a picture of the screen shot. Then state
that he is in breach of GDPR/data protection act by giving your number without your consent to his wife, or allowing your information to be breached by not controlling it.

state in the letter that you expect him to take immediate action to close this breach by deleting your details from any device his wife has access to. And that a repeat occurrence of her communicating with you will mean you will need to report the breach to the company contracting you both and ICO. Include the link to
ico.org.uk/for-organisations/report-a-breach/

State that you wish to continue your professional relationship to complete your assignments to the best of your abilities, and that you will, at this stage, assume he was unaware of the breach and therefore will deal with it and you can continue to complete your contract in a mutually respectful way

thank him for his immediate attention in dealing with this issue

sign, make sure it is dated. Hand it to him as soon as you see him next

. Then find a reason to leave him with it on his own for say 30 mins or so to digest. when you see him next ask him if he wants to discuss it further or just move on.

Companies or individuals can be fined large amounts for breches- he will hopefully figure this out and deal with his wife in whatever way is best given the risk to his professional career she has put him in.

Good advice @EmilyBolton. A very professional and knowledgeable approach.

Happymum12345 · 11/06/2022 08:22

She has a young baby and sounds insecure. I remember those days. Be kind and tell her she has nothing to worry about with you.

ChairPose9to5 · 11/06/2022 08:23

thistimelastweek · 10/06/2022 22:16

Do nothing. Say nothing.

And keep it very polite and professional with your colleague. I could be wrong but the over-sharing makes me think 'man on the make'. It's what his wife thinks.

Stay clear.

ABSOLUTELY

Totally agree with this. I cannot believe that he told you he got his wife pregnant on their second date. That is so inappropriate, such a betrayal of the woman he married, the mother of his child(ren) and I feel........ the message here is that he is in some ways a HERO for doing the right thing (marrying her) but a VICTIM of being restrained by a marriage. YKWIM?

Be very careful op.

Keep your distance from this man. His wife might be mixing you up for somebody he was messaging before but do not get in to a drama triangle where the two of you are bonding over his ''crazy'' wife.

Basilbrushgotfat · 11/06/2022 08:23

Honestly op, you need to get in first and take charge of any conversations being had with higher ups at work. So speak to whoever and do it asap, don't wait til Monday

vegang · 11/06/2022 08:26

He might not actually request a new partner, she might've just told him to do that but he won't do it.

TiddleyWink · 11/06/2022 08:28

Not sure if this has been suggested but you need to pre empt anything he might do to keep his wife happy and get in there first on Monday. Request to be removed from working with him (before he can do the same) because you’ve been unwillingly dragged into his personal drama and you’re feeling harassed and very uncomfortable working unattended with him. Implying anything along the lines of sexual harassment will surely be taken seriously and this falls into that category. You are being harassed in your personal time by someone associated with him, bringing sex/relationships into a professional situation. You rightly feel worried and uncomfortable and need to make it clear you’re not willing to be alone with him, for your own protection. Who knows what she will accuse you of next.

This is serious, your career is on the line. The gloves would come off if it were me.

ChairPose9to5 · 11/06/2022 08:28

Basilbrushgotfat · 11/06/2022 08:23

Honestly op, you need to get in first and take charge of any conversations being had with higher ups at work. So speak to whoever and do it asap, don't wait til Monday

Off the back of one whatsapp message, you think she should go to her superiors.

There's nothing to deal with yet. One whatsapp message sent in error.

I do think that @JimmyShoo suggests a good message. Was this sent to me in error. I have a work relationship only with your h.

glamourousindierockandroll · 11/06/2022 08:30

@ChairPose9to5 RTFT

theleafandnotthetree · 11/06/2022 08:37

redhoodred1 · 10/06/2022 22:54

I think it’s crystal clear that he has cheated in the past, otherwise she wouldn’t over react like this and he wouldn’t have blocked you. She should kick him to the kerb and stop harassing other women honestly 🙄

You can't KNOW this. It is equally as likely that she is insecure or jealous or controlling. They have scarcly been together long enough for him to have form!

suchasadcliche · 11/06/2022 08:38

Ffs I should have read the full thread. @EmilyBolton's advice re GDPR is not commercially sound and hugely inflammatory btw. That likely would get you blacklisted as a troublemaker OP.

I would wait and see what Monday brings tbh.

ValerieCupcake · 11/06/2022 08:42

Hiddenvoice · 10/06/2022 22:18

I think she’s been through this before and is worried. Up to you if you reply but I would mention it to him in person, next time you see him.
If you want to reply to her then I wouldn’t be confrontational or apologetic. I would calmly explain that you were returning a call and things are purely professional with you two. Reiterate that you are both colleagues and nothing more. If she is worried about something then she should speak to her husband but you are not involved in any way.

Been through it before? They can only have been together at the most since March 2021 given the timing of the conception and the age of the child. And already he's been messing about enough to worry her?

I wonder what the backstory is with these two. Second date pregnant? It's an odd one.

justmaybenot · 11/06/2022 08:46

Oh no really don't do this - no way should you have any contact with his wife. It's their drama, not yours. If you have his email address, I'd write to him and say you'd appreciate it if he could maintain professional boundaries and that you would like to focus on getting the work done. Then ask him not to contact you outside working hours.

hopeishere · 11/06/2022 08:49

You've try replied now. Don't send anymore messages.

Get into work early on Monday and get speaking to your co-worker as early as possible. Say keep me out of your drama and don't fuck up this contract for either of us.

ReneBumsWombats · 11/06/2022 08:49

EmilyBolton's advice is terrible. Don't do that either.

Your boss wants the job done, no drama. Do you want drama-filled messages on the weekend? Do you want freelancers handing secret letters about GDPR and devices and wives to each other in the office without your knowledge like Tinker Tailor Soldier Whatthefuck?

She's a loon, you've done nothing wrong and she was stupid enough to do it all by text so you can prove it. Just leave it. She might be bullshitting about involving the workplace anyway but if she's not, you can prove what happened without adding any fuel to the loony fire. Just be professional. If there's an issue, they'll tell you and that's your time to explain what happened.

ChairPose9to5 · 11/06/2022 08:53

Agree with @ReneBumsWombats
I could not believe some of the dramatic "advice".

Curlyhairdonotcare · 11/06/2022 08:54

This could be my ex best friend doll
shes a lunatic
used to make her fiance call his ex girlfriends infront of her on speaker phone (ex girl friend from school uni etc) do they could say he had not spoken to them for years and they had broken up - also to tell them that he would ‘not have preferred’ them to her
we are not longer friends as I could not tolerate how she was treating him

the point I am making is some people are really loopy with how they go on - there could be a back story there actually might not be

for your career and reputation I would move in silence this weekend and say nothing
I would speak to him face to face and gauge response at monday - still to facts only and keep all emotions out of it

EmilyBolton · 11/06/2022 08:54

suchasadcliche · 11/06/2022 08:38

Ffs I should have read the full thread. @EmilyBolton's advice re GDPR is not commercially sound and hugely inflammatory btw. That likely would get you blacklisted as a troublemaker OP.

I would wait and see what Monday brings tbh.

Ok I’ll bow to your superior knowledge but explain why this is not a breach
he is in effect his own company
he has a duty to ensure her phone number, and details..even her name, are kept secure on his devices at all times as they are PPI. Same as everyone’s details he has on his devices that he has been given in business role. He has failed to do this. He has allowed ano person to access that PPI. Doesn’t matter that it’s his wife, next door neighbour or cat…he has not taken action required to store her details safely.
if they were both employed by the company directly I’d say go to HR and tell them…but they’re not. She says they are both in effect self employed. They are their own businesses so are both accountable and impacted by their own obligations to hold PPI secure
so how does that not apply? Genuine question?

as I said in later post…whole of shit can be avoided by them using seperate secure devices for business vs home. That’s the point why sensible companies insist on separate devices where they have strict policies about their employees using their business devices and not sharing passwords with anyone inc family. It means companies are not liable for shit like this happening. If it happens the source is known to have breached company policies on password sharing and is disciplinary matter for that individual…

ReneBumsWombats · 11/06/2022 08:58

A bloke who lets his wife see his phone is not in breach of GDPR.

If I got a long, secretive letter about GDPR and my husband and what to do with my personal devices from a co-worker, I'd definitely request a colleague change and it would be nothing to do with my husband, even if he was a paranoid fruitcake.

Youaremysunshine14 · 11/06/2022 08:59

EmilyBolton · 11/06/2022 08:54

Ok I’ll bow to your superior knowledge but explain why this is not a breach
he is in effect his own company
he has a duty to ensure her phone number, and details..even her name, are kept secure on his devices at all times as they are PPI. Same as everyone’s details he has on his devices that he has been given in business role. He has failed to do this. He has allowed ano person to access that PPI. Doesn’t matter that it’s his wife, next door neighbour or cat…he has not taken action required to store her details safely.
if they were both employed by the company directly I’d say go to HR and tell them…but they’re not. She says they are both in effect self employed. They are their own businesses so are both accountable and impacted by their own obligations to hold PPI secure
so how does that not apply? Genuine question?

as I said in later post…whole of shit can be avoided by them using seperate secure devices for business vs home. That’s the point why sensible companies insist on separate devices where they have strict policies about their employees using their business devices and not sharing passwords with anyone inc family. It means companies are not liable for shit like this happening. If it happens the source is known to have breached company policies on password sharing and is disciplinary matter for that individual…

Show quote history

GDPR is not what OP needs to be worrying about right now - it’s him going to their bosses and asking for a new partner and implying she’s done something wrong and trashing her professional reputation. His wife sneaking OP’s number off his phone is not really the issue, so your formal letter to him, etc etc seems like a pointless complaint in the grand scheme of things.

Tigofigo · 11/06/2022 09:02

Divebar2021 · 10/06/2022 23:54

I bet she’s a mumsnetter. Somewhere on the relationship board someone’s advising her to trust her spidey senses.

😂😂😂