Just had a WhatsApp from my colleagues wife

[BlueMoone]

I work in a freelance creative industry (TV production) where I will be contracted on a project for a finite amount of time. My current role is 16 weeks and I'm 6 weeks in. I'm self employed and very very pleased to have the contract as sometimes I go a couple of months between contracts and have to budget to make the money stretch the whole year. Being self employed I don't get holiday pay or anything like that (just demonstrating how precious the work is to me.)

My role involves being paired with another freelance professional and the two of us work together in an edit suite reporting to senior members of staff but essentially it's just the two of us for the vast majority of the day.

This job was the first time I had met this guy, usually you work with people on the circuit but I hadn't come across him before. We get in great, he's 15 years older than me but seems young in his outlook and we have enjoyed chatting and having a laugh at work.

He told me about how he met his wife online and got her pregnant on their second date and now they're married and their child is about six months old. FWIW I live with my long term partner. He would sometimes tell me how his wife and he would argue but always in a jokey tone, he probably did share too much but not just about his relationship about loads of stuff - mostly just idle chat as we worked.

This evening I have received a WhatsApp from his wife (must have taken my number from his phone) telling me to stop calling him, he's a married man and he has a child and I need to back off and stay away from her husband. I had a missed call from him yesterday evening, called back assuming a work thing and he didn't pick up. Wasn't mentioned at work today I didn't think anything of it.

What do I reply? I don't want things to be awkward at work and don't want to put my job in jeopardy by giving the impression at work we are not being professional. We are doing a good job with good feedback. Should I message my colleague and tell him?

i think she is a drunk mumsnetter

I wouldn’t try to contact him again, it seems like she has had some concerns in the past about who he is talking to and has jumped to conclusions about you. She has deleted your number from him phone. I was deleted from a friends phone and it came up the same way when j tried to message them- they get to accept the message and then it says delivered. That’s how she knew you tried to contact him.
Personally I would go into work and explain what has happened over the weekend. Explain that this is out of the blue for you and you don’t feel comfortable with the situation as you are there in a professional capacity and his personal life is being dragged into the work life. You need to be honest with them as if you hide it and wait for them to talk to you then it would look worse.

She sounds really controlling, they've only known each other just over a year, I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't an accident she got pregnant and bet she pushed marriage too

I wouldn’t bring the GDPR point into play as you have the upper hand anyway - you did absolutely nothing wrong, and his wife should not be harassing you on your personal number.

I think your reply already is a good one. I would wait until Monday, perhaps put a 20 min call in the diary with the project manager to make them aware that this happened over the weekend, mention you have replied to quash the strange rumour and will remain entirely professional as indeed you have so far. Mention that you don’t see any need for it to change the planning or team composition of the project, that you are very happy to be working on the contract and foresee it being a successful project assuming this small wrinkle isn’t unnecessarily blown up into a drama over absolutely nothing.

take all the emotion and anxiety out of it, deal with it entirely at a practical level of how to continue without this causing any issues that would derail the project in any way.

I think you have to protect yourself now and get ahead of it. Could you email the producer before Monday, state the facts clearly but without emotion and just say you have no issues at all with your colleague but for the sake of his home life and in order to keep things moving smoothly and professionally on the show, you'd prefer to be moved? That way you're taking control of the situation and you're seen in the best possible way.

Totally agree with this. As a former SP & Exec I would have wanted to be copied in on this. There are all sorts of issues we deal with behind the scenes. Do as an earlier poster has recommended and write a clear factual email with screen shots, then leave it to your PM and/or SP to deal with.

I would be tempted to message them both the same message. Explaining it is a professional relationship only and not to message again. I would be tempted to raise it with a manager but that could back fire.
It sounds like they may have done to much to soon in their relationship but that’s not your issue!

Why dont you get in there 1st and request someone else to work with? Tell them his wife is harrassing you

can you reframe this - there is no truth to the accusation so rather than defend, in any communication you have about this focus on the fact that you are being harassed and verbally attacked by a colleague’s family member.

We get in great, he's 15 years older than me but seems young in his outlook and we have enjoyed chatting and having a laugh at work.

"Young in his outlook". What does that mean?

He told me about how he met his wife online and got her pregnant on their second date

Massive oversharing. Not quite a red flag but a yellow twat-alert.

He could be setting you up for "we only got married because she was pregnant and I felt sorry for her yadda yadda"

He would sometimes tell me how his wife and he would argue but always in a jokey tone, he probably did share too much ot just about his relationship about loads of stuff - mostly just idle chat as we worked.

Treats private relationship info as if it's up for grabs. Yellow alert towards red.
And you go along with it - unwise.

What do I reply? I don't want things to be awkward at work and don't want to put my job in jeopardy by giving the impression at work we are not being professional.

He is already not being professional. Speak to him in person. From this stage on things should be awkward at work. Do not engage with his wife. Back off from him at work, keep things formal and professional. Do not call him out of office hours.

His wife has done you a favour by warning you. She knows how he operates better than you do.

absolutely
you cant work with him now

I'd be mortified if my partner took it upon himself to message one of my colleagues like that

This. I can imagine how the responses on this thread be very different of a husband this this. He'd be hung for it and called abusive, controlling etc.

You need to get in there first and tell the people who have engaged you what is going on.

His wife has done you a favour by warning you. She knows how he operates better than you do.

Come on. So the OP is such a retiring wee flower she won't be able to resist his manly advances?

Are you seeing a thread where people think the wife is a nice person?

So very sorry to read this has happened to you.

On the GDPR issue, there is a technical breach here and as a freelancer I would be really pissed off about my professional details being made available to anyone other than the people I am engaged to work with. What has happened to the OP is exactly the reason why professional boundaries and privacy exist. I would definitely point this out to the man in question but not act on it as suggested by others. All that’s needed is something along the lines of ‘I protect my personal privacy and it felt intrusive that my contact details were passed onto a third party.’

Who will he be sending his request for a new work partner to?

Could you get your request in first, including her messages and saying you cannot work with him if you are going to get hassle?

When you do talk to your colleague about this, I would be inclined to frame it as “I’m sorry that your wife seems to be having some sort of mental health crisis, must be a real worry for you”. And I don’t mean in a sarcastic eye-rolling way which really means “she’s batshit crazy”, or jumping in with “WTF is your wife playing at?!” I mean sincerely.

I wouldn't reply.

Wait until you see him at work, I'd probably ask something like "is everything ok at home? Only I received a strange message the other day and wasn't sure it was even or me!". Show him it and see his reaction.

Maybe he's been talking about you a lot. She's probably sleep deprived and insecure (given such a quick relationship and almost forced together through the pregnancy).

It's their issue. Don't get involved.

Go to the OP and click “see All”.

Come on. So the OP is such a retiring wee flower she won't be able to resist his manly advances?

The OP has already let him overshare without shutting him down. He is 15 years older and the OP has only known him for 6 weeks. They're alone together all day in the editing suite and everything might be fine but if he is setting her up she's vulnerable both personally and professionally. The wife may be a horrible controlling person but if she's made the OP re-evaluate his behaviour and her own boundaries then she has done the OP a favour.

I would do this too.

This is exactly the attitude you need.
not “everything ok at home?”

she’s harassed you, accused you of something and is threatening your hard earned career.
fuck that. He’s the unprofessional one. Don’t engage with his marriage, not your concern. Your concern is damage limitation.
I wouldn’t want to work with him again if this is what could result it’s not worth the risk.

I always suspect on threads such as this that a lot of the posters either don’t work, haven’t worked in many years or don’t have and never have had a professional job. Hence some of the questionable advice