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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just had a WhatsApp from my colleagues wife

714 replies

BlueMoone · 10/06/2022 22:07

I work in a freelance creative industry (TV production) where I will be contracted on a project for a finite amount of time. My current role is 16 weeks and I'm 6 weeks in. I'm self employed and very very pleased to have the contract as sometimes I go a couple of months between contracts and have to budget to make the money stretch the whole year. Being self employed I don't get holiday pay or anything like that (just demonstrating how precious the work is to me.)

My role involves being paired with another freelance professional and the two of us work together in an edit suite reporting to senior members of staff but essentially it's just the two of us for the vast majority of the day.

This job was the first time I had met this guy, usually you work with people on the circuit but I hadn't come across him before. We get in great, he's 15 years older than me but seems young in his outlook and we have enjoyed chatting and having a laugh at work.

He told me about how he met his wife online and got her pregnant on their second date and now they're married and their child is about six months old. FWIW I live with my long term partner. He would sometimes tell me how his wife and he would argue but always in a jokey tone, he probably did share too much but not just about his relationship about loads of stuff - mostly just idle chat as we worked.

This evening I have received a WhatsApp from his wife (must have taken my number from his phone) telling me to stop calling him, he's a married man and he has a child and I need to back off and stay away from her husband. I had a missed call from him yesterday evening, called back assuming a work thing and he didn't pick up. Wasn't mentioned at work today I didn't think anything of it.

What do I reply? I don't want things to be awkward at work and don't want to put my job in jeopardy by giving the impression at work we are not being professional. We are doing a good job with good feedback. Should I message my colleague and tell him?

OP posts:
puffalo · 14/06/2022 10:12

OP might not yet have responded as it has only turned Tuesday and I’m sure there will be a mediation session that will have to be set up until the issue is “resolved” at the very least. It’ll take a day or two. These sort of issues are rarely sorted out in a day.

What a shit situation to have to deal with, though. OP has handled it better than me, I’d have gone nuclear as soon as that text was sent through. The friend request would have tipped me over the edge. I can’t tolerate that sort of shit at all.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/06/2022 10:14

So @BlueMoone what happened yesterday

how are things with colleague and did he make any comment about his wives phone call

TheLadyofShalott1 · 14/06/2022 11:26

How are you now @BlueMoone ? I do hope that things have settled down nicely, and that neither you, nor your career, have suffered anymore fall-out from your work colleague's wife.

Zpoa · 14/06/2022 16:09

I hope your manager saw sence !!! What a bat shit couple !

Picoloangel · 14/06/2022 16:14

What a horrible situation OP. A real lose/lose and nothing to do with you. I had a colleague whose wife hated me based on nothing. It was so awkward and uncomfortable. She believed we were having some sort of clandestine affair but we absolutely weren’t.
Ironically I found out years later that he HAD been having an affair with another of our colleagues who, again, ironically, was adored by his wife.

As others have said I would bet he’s done it before or given his wife reason to suspect and you’re the victim.

Diverseopinions · 14/06/2022 18:46

He is going to look difficult, if he asks for a new work partner over a personal matter, especially a non-existent personal matter.

I would take the moral high ground a stick there and say that you don't appreciate your phone number being passed to others.

Diverseopinions · 14/06/2022 18:59

It's a shame you can't take your partner with you to the meeting. If you can't, I think adapting your Facebook profiles, so you and he are pictured together, and having him meet you from work will be good, to squash this silly idea that you would be interested in this colleague. What you are explaining as the potential repercussions are all so unreasonable and unfair, that it is sounding like, in your profession, you need to go that extra mile to prove yourselves, as the way management are likely to treat you is going to be arbitrary and deeply subjective.

I think that any contacting you with a friend request on Facebook, etc., would likely be the wife doing it in his name to find out more about you.

orion678 · 14/06/2022 19:32

Diverseopinions · 14/06/2022 18:59

It's a shame you can't take your partner with you to the meeting. If you can't, I think adapting your Facebook profiles, so you and he are pictured together, and having him meet you from work will be good, to squash this silly idea that you would be interested in this colleague. What you are explaining as the potential repercussions are all so unreasonable and unfair, that it is sounding like, in your profession, you need to go that extra mile to prove yourselves, as the way management are likely to treat you is going to be arbitrary and deeply subjective.

I think that any contacting you with a friend request on Facebook, etc., would likely be the wife doing it in his name to find out more about you.

I think this is a ridiculous suggestion. What if OP didn't have a partner? Would she be less believable or professional? I think she's followed the right approach - shut the wife down and refused to engage further, and let her PM know what's going on. I'm hoping she hasn't come back to this thread because everything is sorted, but even if not she shouldn't need a partner to validate her professionalism!

Littleraindrop15 · 14/06/2022 21:12

need an update

Littleraindrop15 · 14/06/2022 21:13

need an update

WisherWood · 14/06/2022 21:14

It's a shame you can't take your partner with you to the meeting. If you can't, I think adapting your Facebook profiles, so you and he are pictured together, and having him meet you from work will be good, to squash this silly idea that you would be interested in this colleague.

How do you figure that one out? I mean the whole problem here is that someone's wife is worried he's cheating. So evidently having a spouse or partner of some kind isn't proof of not wanting someone else.

When I was single I really did get tired of this ridiculous notion that I must be after everyone else's man, because god forbid I might have been single through choice.

Fingers crossed that the OP's employers have realised it's this couple causing the problems and nothing to do with her.

Diverseopinions · 14/06/2022 21:43

Orion678

She shouldn't have to take her partner to a meeting - but what she describes is a situation which is totally unfair; has no logic to it and which she suspects is going to cost her future roles because she'll be labelled as a difficult colleague. It sounds as if she's describing an earlier era in history, but she isn't: this is how bad the world of work has got in 2022. It's shocking. She might as well be living in the nineteenth century.

She has to do what she has to do with this situation.

Diverseopinions · 14/06/2022 21:49

I feel sad and outraged for 'OP' that this is a situation for 'fingers crossed'. There should not be any doubt that she won't be suspected of unprofessionalism. The management involvement should be fair and clear cut. If there are no incriminating texts showing romantic banter, then the OP ought to breathe easy, knowing that she will be on safe ground.

The fact that she is concerned shows how arbitrary and unfair is the world of work in 2022.

Azandme · 14/06/2022 21:51

Littleraindrop15 · 14/06/2022 21:13

need an update

And some manners... 🙄

Threetulips · 14/06/2022 22:14

Have you checked messages Via FB of your aren't friends they are in a different folder.

Overtired201984 · 15/06/2022 00:23

How’s things going OP . I Hope it went ok 😘

Overtired201984 · 15/06/2022 00:24

How’s things going OP . I Hope it went ok 😘

smashmakesmash · 15/06/2022 01:18

Diverseopinions · 14/06/2022 21:49

I feel sad and outraged for 'OP' that this is a situation for 'fingers crossed'. There should not be any doubt that she won't be suspected of unprofessionalism. The management involvement should be fair and clear cut. If there are no incriminating texts showing romantic banter, then the OP ought to breathe easy, knowing that she will be on safe ground.

The fact that she is concerned shows how arbitrary and unfair is the world of work in 2022.

Agree completely. As someone who works in public sector, I realise how lucky I am in so many ways and how protected I am. THis all seems so unfair.
I hope the OP can update and that it has worked out in her favour

BigFatLiar · 15/06/2022 07:02

Diverseopinions · 14/06/2022 21:49

I feel sad and outraged for 'OP' that this is a situation for 'fingers crossed'. There should not be any doubt that she won't be suspected of unprofessionalism. The management involvement should be fair and clear cut. If there are no incriminating texts showing romantic banter, then the OP ought to breathe easy, knowing that she will be on safe ground.

The fact that she is concerned shows how arbitrary and unfair is the world of work in 2022.

Sad indeed however from the mas wifes view and as this is Mumsnet

Shouldn't we be agreeing that she doesn't need proof just to trust her spidery senses? She''s got it all wrapped up, why would she need proof? Thats the beauty of mumsnet.

Suspect OP has given up on this, hope it all went ok.

OutDamnedSpot · 15/06/2022 08:17

But even if she was ‘trusting her spidey senses’ @BigFatLiar, it’s her husband she should be taking it up with, not the ‘OW’.

OutDamnedSpot · 15/06/2022 08:17

But even if she was ‘trusting her spidey senses’ @BigFatLiar, it’s her husband she should be taking it up with, not the ‘OW’.

SunflowerGardens · 15/06/2022 11:21

Diverseopinions · 14/06/2022 18:59

It's a shame you can't take your partner with you to the meeting. If you can't, I think adapting your Facebook profiles, so you and he are pictured together, and having him meet you from work will be good, to squash this silly idea that you would be interested in this colleague. What you are explaining as the potential repercussions are all so unreasonable and unfair, that it is sounding like, in your profession, you need to go that extra mile to prove yourselves, as the way management are likely to treat you is going to be arbitrary and deeply subjective.

I think that any contacting you with a friend request on Facebook, etc., would likely be the wife doing it in his name to find out more about you.

This is just as bad as the colleague and his wife though. Partners shouldn't be involved in your work life, it's very unprofessional.

comovie · 15/06/2022 21:08

I work in TV too, also freelance. Talk to your supervisor. Show them the message. That way if this blows up, that person will know how it started. As much as you might wish to ignore it and hope it goes away, it could affect your work. People get ghosted in this industry and there's no opportunity to explain later - so get ahead of it. You're not accusing him of wrongdoing, just sharing this bizarre message and asking for help on how to handle it. Likely your boss will talk to his boss, who will talk to him and make clear that his wife is harassing employees and that could make the company liable for any issues that arise.

WibblyWobblyJane · 16/06/2022 12:09

comovie · 15/06/2022 21:08

I work in TV too, also freelance. Talk to your supervisor. Show them the message. That way if this blows up, that person will know how it started. As much as you might wish to ignore it and hope it goes away, it could affect your work. People get ghosted in this industry and there's no opportunity to explain later - so get ahead of it. You're not accusing him of wrongdoing, just sharing this bizarre message and asking for help on how to handle it. Likely your boss will talk to his boss, who will talk to him and make clear that his wife is harassing employees and that could make the company liable for any issues that arise.

So you work on tv programs that ran a few days prior to your involvement? 😃

Bib1234 · 16/06/2022 13:48

How do you work that out?

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