Just had a WhatsApp from my colleagues wife

[BlueMoone]

I work in a freelance creative industry (TV production) where I will be contracted on a project for a finite amount of time. My current role is 16 weeks and I'm 6 weeks in. I'm self employed and very very pleased to have the contract as sometimes I go a couple of months between contracts and have to budget to make the money stretch the whole year. Being self employed I don't get holiday pay or anything like that (just demonstrating how precious the work is to me.)

My role involves being paired with another freelance professional and the two of us work together in an edit suite reporting to senior members of staff but essentially it's just the two of us for the vast majority of the day.

This job was the first time I had met this guy, usually you work with people on the circuit but I hadn't come across him before. We get in great, he's 15 years older than me but seems young in his outlook and we have enjoyed chatting and having a laugh at work.

He told me about how he met his wife online and got her pregnant on their second date and now they're married and their child is about six months old. FWIW I live with my long term partner. He would sometimes tell me how his wife and he would argue but always in a jokey tone, he probably did share too much but not just about his relationship about loads of stuff - mostly just idle chat as we worked.

This evening I have received a WhatsApp from his wife (must have taken my number from his phone) telling me to stop calling him, he's a married man and he has a child and I need to back off and stay away from her husband. I had a missed call from him yesterday evening, called back assuming a work thing and he didn't pick up. Wasn't mentioned at work today I didn't think anything of it.

What do I reply? I don't want things to be awkward at work and don't want to put my job in jeopardy by giving the impression at work we are not being professional. We are doing a good job with good feedback. Should I message my colleague and tell him?

It's interesting that there are so many people in the same line of work on mumsnet, and I think it's just as well in this case.

I'd focus entirely on the advice that these people have given you, OP. It's obviously a very distinct line of work, with different lines of communication (my boss would have been VERY unimpressed to get an email about this at the weekend, so it wouldn't have occurred to me to suggest that!) and very different employment issues.

I hope you've been able to get through to your PM (I have no idea what that stands for!) and that this resolves easily. Ignore anyone not in the business (except for me advising you to ignore us!)

I imagine all the posts about ‘line managers’ and ‘HR’ are giving all the TV freelancers here a right giggle 😁

And ‘GDPR breach’ is definitely the new ‘log it with 101’ isn’t it?

Hope you’re ok OP and that this hasn’t ruined your weekend too much.

OP There has been some great advice on this thread
I am of the opinion that you need to squash this immediately with your superior, believe me, they understand these things and you need to show him/her the messages.

you certainly did the right thing by messaging her and saying how it is. And you seem clued up enough to not be unkind. She is obviously vulnerable.

I’ve been on both side of this so can see both sides. In my 20s my bosses wife had me moved to another site. I told my area manager who was very under and got me moved to a better job away from the drama.

you will come out the better person from this.

If he is likely to say he doesn't find you easy to work with, or something similar, you could also complain to HR that his wife has been harrassing you, and ask them to have a quiet word with him.

I would not reply, but store the message safely. On your return to work address it with him. I would seriously consider telling someone else there too. He could go to the line managers and claim you have harassed him, you're in a dodgy position. If he assures you that everything is Ok then consider if you can continue to work with him. Personally I'd record the conversation with him as evidence in case he tries anything. Either his partner is unhinged or he gaslights her by claiming all colleagues fall for him. Protect yourself and your reputation. Dangerous times.

That's why I've been relieved to see there are quite a few of us from the industry here @FirewomanSam. It works so differently to so many other industries that advice that would often make sense may not in this situation.
Most companies don't have HR, references come from your line manager and aren't written, hiring takes place over a matter of days rather than months with the usual notice period in fixed term contracts being one or two weeks. And as the OP mentioned, it is a completely transient industry with almost everyone being freelance - which will include the OP herself, the Editor and the Production Manager and Series Producer who hired her. It's why reputation is so important when you are hustling for work every few months and are always in a completely new team of colleagues. It's also why bad behaviour, such as that alleged about Noel Clarke, can go unnoticed for so long because even things that are reported, are just reported to one employer and a freelancer will have many employers each year.
It's a way of working that does have lots of cons, alongside many pros, but it's been a relief to see that everyone who does work in it has said to let someone know.

Let’s see what the update is from OP. I can’t see any update from last night?

That's because it's the weekend and there's very little she can do

I personally would have replied with:

"I think there's been a misunderstanding, I am a colleague of X, any communication we have is in relation to our professional roles."

I wouldn't have put anything about your relationship status because it's completely irrelevant.

I expect he will be mortified and apologetic when you see him. I expect if he has blocked you it's because he has been told to, a woman that messages contacts on their partner's phone is unhinged and he likely has done whatever required to appease her.

She has zero say over who he works with, he may well request another work partner to appease her though, if that leads to you being out of a job then you show management the messages as proof of the situation. If you end up being paired with someone else, then that's probably for the best for everyone.

From a professional perspective he is going to have a lot of issues when the unreasonable behaviour of his partner affects his job role.

So much conflicting advice. I think the calm 'heads up' email is the way to go.

I work in the same industry as you, so I know exactly the edit room dynamic that you describe. And I know exactly the fear you feel that it will effect your future job offers. However, and these are two REALLY important points: 1. You have done absolutely nothing at all wrong, and no one who you describe the situation to as you have here would think otherwise. 2. Memories in the TV industry are short! No one will stop hiring you, no matter what misinformation they may or may not hear. Good people are in short supply, toxic affairs (and genuine love-matched hook ups) and absolutely RIFE in the TV in industry, so your story won’t stand out at all. Because nothing at all has happened between you.

I would, however, make sure that you speak to the PM, and possibly also Exec Producer as soon as possible to get ahead of it and nip it in the bud. Make the complaint about him and his wife crossing - unwelcome- into your personal life and causing you anxiety. I guarantee you won’t look the worse for it.

im guessing your job role here, but female Edit Producers fending off sexual advances from older male Editors, or being somehow embroiled unwillingly in their toxic personal lives and apparently unhappy marriages, and being made to feel guilty for somehow giving an impression of being the flirt or the inappropriate ones is a tale as old as B&W television. It’s awful, it’s sexist, it’s common and it’s depressing. But it’s also common knowledge, and your PM (almost certainly female, because they almost always are) will probably understand all of that, too. They’re not blind to the awfulness we work in.

Cheer up, take control of the situation and I hope the rest of the edit goes really well for you - with or without him!

Almost all of this is awful advice

Tell her that your’e sorry she obviously has reason to mistrust him, but that you’re working colleagues and you are very happy with your partner, so have no interest in hers. If the messages from her continue I think you’ll have to draw his attention to them and ask him to stop before it affects your professional relationship.

Great post and advice.

As for the woman you mentioned who was “blacklisted” ( there is no such thing, by the way!) she WAS inappropriate. Incredibly inappropriate. She slept with someone during a work event, a person for whom she may well have had duty of care (she was on the TV production, they were a contributor). It is not the same thing at all!

Thanks all for the replies sorry I haven't read them all yet. Fell asleep last night then woke up early worrying about this. It's moved on a bit today sadly. Had a family member's birthday today so I was distracted and decided to leave things and basically bank on the hope of him not saying anything to anyone else and being able to brush the whole thing under the carpet.

Then this afternoon I got a friend request from him on Facebook. That just made me paranoid that he isn't/ they aren't going to let this lie, so I emailed my production manager (I ignored the friend request).

I said along the lines of "sorry to bother you on a weekend but wanted to make you aware of a strange message I received from X's wife (attached). I want to let you know that this is completely unfounded as has been a total shock to me, her accusations are groundless and insulting. I don't want to cause any delays with the production, im happy to carry on as we are but wanted to flag this now so you know what's going on in case it becomes an issue."

She replied an hour later saying she was aware of the issue he can we chat it through on Monday morning. I don't know if that means she is aware just because of my email, or was already aware because Mr & Mrs Batshit have already been in touch?

Either way I now feel like im sucked into a situation I want nothing to do with.

god so batshit wife has set the ball rolling
at least it is in the open

You've done the right thing emailing the production manager. Try not to worry about it until Monday. It's out of your hands and you've done nothing wrong. Don't accept the friend request, leave it to the production manager to deal with when you're back at work. I'm sure they will be able to see it for what it is.

Bloody hell!!! I really hope things work out ok for you OP, it would be shit if it didn't :( really really unfair, stand your ground on Monday, don't let anyone treat you badly and make you the bad guy in all of this!

Remove his Facebook friend request, he is as much to blame here as she is, why the hell would he add you now this has all kicked off??? Makes you wonder how he treats her for her to be as paranoid as she is

Did you post about this recently, OP?

The reality star element is memorable..

I'm glad you ignored the friend request.

If his wife has access to his phone, are there any messages between the two of you that she can use against you? Even if she's misinterpreted them?

@EinsteinaGogo no I have never posted about this before it's only just happened

Don't delete the friend request. Because that's more evidence of the crazy.

Hope you get it sorted OP

@saraclara the only messages between us are either of us saying we may be 10 mins late, things like that. Very basic functional messages.