Just had a WhatsApp from my colleagues wife

[BlueMoone]

I work in a freelance creative industry (TV production) where I will be contracted on a project for a finite amount of time. My current role is 16 weeks and I'm 6 weeks in. I'm self employed and very very pleased to have the contract as sometimes I go a couple of months between contracts and have to budget to make the money stretch the whole year. Being self employed I don't get holiday pay or anything like that (just demonstrating how precious the work is to me.)

My role involves being paired with another freelance professional and the two of us work together in an edit suite reporting to senior members of staff but essentially it's just the two of us for the vast majority of the day.

This job was the first time I had met this guy, usually you work with people on the circuit but I hadn't come across him before. We get in great, he's 15 years older than me but seems young in his outlook and we have enjoyed chatting and having a laugh at work.

He told me about how he met his wife online and got her pregnant on their second date and now they're married and their child is about six months old. FWIW I live with my long term partner. He would sometimes tell me how his wife and he would argue but always in a jokey tone, he probably did share too much but not just about his relationship about loads of stuff - mostly just idle chat as we worked.

This evening I have received a WhatsApp from his wife (must have taken my number from his phone) telling me to stop calling him, he's a married man and he has a child and I need to back off and stay away from her husband. I had a missed call from him yesterday evening, called back assuming a work thing and he didn't pick up. Wasn't mentioned at work today I didn't think anything of it.

What do I reply? I don't want things to be awkward at work and don't want to put my job in jeopardy by giving the impression at work we are not being professional. We are doing a good job with good feedback. Should I message my colleague and tell him?

Don't make a complaint. GDPR makes you look like a ridiculous pen-pusher. Don't make yourself hard work for your bosses. If you make this a big thing, you won't be coming back.

You need to take a pro-active role in solving this problem. Explain that you've done nothing wrong, I am strictly professional, tell them explicitly that your only interest is in getting this project done and making sure your employer see me as a safe pair of hands that you want to employ again and again.

And point out that his wife is obviously in a very vulnerable place (show the texts) and sees you as a threat. Suggest a swap with a male colleague as a solution. Maybe sound them out on it in advance to make sure they'd be willing.

This proves you are not someone who makes a crisis out a drama, you have voiced your commitment on the job , you have shown that you thinks & cares about other people and above all, you have shown yourself someone who will solve problems for your bosses rather than putting it all on them to sort out. I'd always want to re employ that person.

OP, I'd try and alert your supervisor, they may well be supportive, and it's likely not the first occurrence.

A not entirely dissimilar story ~

Long ago, in my mid twenties, I worked in a male dominated field. I used to eat lunch with the guys then go for a walk in the beautifully landscaped grounds. Sometimes others would come with me, often one colleague in particular. I didn't think anything of it - my priority was being outside in nature! We got on well enough, mostly chatting about his wife and young children and their lovely family life. At some point I went on leave for a few weeks.

When I got back he no longer worked in our department or section. It turned out that whilst I was away, he'd bypassed our dept boss and gone to the section chief, saying I was inappropriate, distracting him, flirting with him, threatening his marriage or somesuch, and could I be moved/disciplined/fired/somehow dealt with!!! Section head summoned dept head who told them that I was at that very moment on holiday with one of my colleagues, in the early days of a relationship which we had formally declared to him beforehand. Egg on face!

With hindsight I see how lucky I was to be comprehensively supported by my immediate boss, and by the timing of events, and even so it did contribute to a lingering feeling of distaste about working there. But there is hope, OP! And this was decades ago. I think we're all a lot more aware of how women are sabotaged in the workplace by men (and their wives).

I'd really hope that particularly post #metoo, that women who have done nothing wrong aren't blacklisted for things like this. If you think he is going to go to your bosses and ask for a different producer, I'd 100% get in their first and tell them, show then the messages from his wife, ask them to support you. You haven't done anything wrong, to dismiss you because your colleague has a "thing" for you, or his wife suspects that he does, would be discriminatory.

Yes, I think you need to get ahead of the story here and let your bosses know.

Eh? Almost everyone is saying that his partner is being ridiculous, controlling etc.

In an industry with tight deadlines, I would not wait to send an email about this. If they have to make changes to teams, they don’t want to be scrambling around on Monday trying to figure it out.

And point out that his wife is obviously in a very vulnerable place (show the texts) and sees you as a threat. Suggest a swap with a male colleague as a solution. Maybe sound them out on it in advance to make sure they'd be willing.

I would not under any circumstance be asking a boss to swap me out for a male counterpart to appease some colleagues wife. The wife is not paid by the company or have anything to do with the project - this is inappropriate requesting and sexist

Well the poor woman is married to a man who tells his colleagues about their private sex life so no wonder she feels the need to take action.

@Bovrilly - oh don't be ridiculous! @FirewomanSam was simply trying to help - stop looking to take offence where non is intended, it makes you look stupid.

I think it’s in your best interest to contact your supervisor and factually explain this situation. That it’s incredibly odd and that the wife of your colleague has made threats about your job. I’d say you don’t want any of the drama and not sure what has caused this but will continue to remain professional on the job but feel they need to be aware.

I don’t work in telly anymore but are you freelancing for a production co? If so, I’d put an email in to the PM and HR if they have an in-house person, explaining the interaction and saying that you feel very uncomfortable about his partner contacting you and you’ve had no dealings with your colleague outside of the workplace.

HE is the unprofessional one in this scenario, not you.

I don't have any experience of freelancing or TV but would be getting my side of the story and suggested solution to the senior manager first in a calm, proactive way.

Something like 'bit of an unusual situation but I have been hearing from John's wife all weekend saying (give full text conversation). I assure you nothing is happening between us, as you know I am in a settled relationship. However may I suggest swapping me for X (male colleague) if possible? I'm happy to continue working with John if need be, but would be more comfortable if an alternative arrangement could be made to try and avoid any more of these sorts of accusations as a freelancer'.

Obv you shouldn't have to but if that's the nature of your industry then I think it would be prudent to act quickly and constructively to try and prevent any reputational damage. Your colleague sounds a bit messy, I wouldn't rely on him to handle this maturely.

With any luck, he and her have pulled this crap before so when the request comes in for a new partner, they'll move him into another project and find someone better for you.

It's a bit much that he told you about her falling pregnant on the second date. That, to me, shows a lick of boundaries.

@Divebar2021
I bet she’s a mumsnetter. Somewhere on the relationship board someone’s advising her to trust her spidey senses.

😬 so true. I can’t stand that oft repeated advice on here. “Trust your instincts - they never lie “

bollocks !

FFS *lack

Trust me you talk about all sorts in the back of an edit suite...

You're stuck together all day every day...

It's not called a confessional for nothing!

(Hello fellow tv people!)

Yeah, it was probably him licking her boundaries that got them into this mess in the first place...

You need to raise it with work and let them know. I work with alot of men and have had their wife do this once. She made my life a living hell. She just didn't like her husband working with women. Her husband was really apologetic but she just wouldn't stop. I explained we are purely professionals and we had to communicate due to our job. We never spoke outside of working hours unless it was an emergency with work. I raised it with work to cover my own back and they told me it wasn't the first time she has done it to female colleagues. I ended up leaving in the end as she just hounded me constantly.

He may not have had a previous affair. Some women just don't like other women near their husbands. I've seen this alot in my kind of job and it makes things so difficult.

Maybe she knows he has a past history of playing away :-(.

I would reply to the wife , polite and professional, just say you are a work colleague with no personal interest in her husband , your only connection is the temporary contract you're both working on.

Then I'd forward her whatsapp to her husband and ask him to remind both her and you, that YOUR reputation is unsullied.

@2bazookas rtft

Good lord. This is slanderous of her. You’ll have to see what happens on Monday but if at all possible I would just directly approach your co-workers boss and explain the situation- it might not be the first time and it’s best to get in first.

Oh OP, what a nightmare.

I think you need to talk to him on Monday.

"Hi Steve, this is awkward but I had these strange messages from your wife. I'm worried she might have been mixing me up with someone else because as you know our relationship is strictly professional. I cannot afford to lose work over something that is nothing to do with me. Can I trust that you won't ask to have me moved to a different part of the project or otherwise refuse to work with me? Otherwise I'm going to need to report this to X to cover my own back. Thanks."

This is the thing, though. There are no written references in TV & Film. Not really references of any kind. It’s all reputation, word of mouth and contacts/colleagues who put your name forward to the production manager crewing for the next gig.

So being amiable, and steering clear of drama do matter. Which is why OP freaked out. All freelancers suffer from fear if never working again anyway, at least occasionally. But this isn’t OP’s drama.

So all the advice to just handle it very calmly and reasonably is good, because the style matters as much as the substance.

That is to say you’re right @UniversalAunt but what she’s aiming for is the impression she leaves in minds, not in the files.