Just had a WhatsApp from my colleagues wife

[BlueMoone]

I work in a freelance creative industry (TV production) where I will be contracted on a project for a finite amount of time. My current role is 16 weeks and I'm 6 weeks in. I'm self employed and very very pleased to have the contract as sometimes I go a couple of months between contracts and have to budget to make the money stretch the whole year. Being self employed I don't get holiday pay or anything like that (just demonstrating how precious the work is to me.)

My role involves being paired with another freelance professional and the two of us work together in an edit suite reporting to senior members of staff but essentially it's just the two of us for the vast majority of the day.

This job was the first time I had met this guy, usually you work with people on the circuit but I hadn't come across him before. We get in great, he's 15 years older than me but seems young in his outlook and we have enjoyed chatting and having a laugh at work.

He told me about how he met his wife online and got her pregnant on their second date and now they're married and their child is about six months old. FWIW I live with my long term partner. He would sometimes tell me how his wife and he would argue but always in a jokey tone, he probably did share too much but not just about his relationship about loads of stuff - mostly just idle chat as we worked.

This evening I have received a WhatsApp from his wife (must have taken my number from his phone) telling me to stop calling him, he's a married man and he has a child and I need to back off and stay away from her husband. I had a missed call from him yesterday evening, called back assuming a work thing and he didn't pick up. Wasn't mentioned at work today I didn't think anything of it.

What do I reply? I don't want things to be awkward at work and don't want to put my job in jeopardy by giving the impression at work we are not being professional. We are doing a good job with good feedback. Should I message my colleague and tell him?

well everyones adviced went well didnt it

you cant reason with these sorts of jealous people my dh ex was like this couldnt let him go blamed me-in the end just blocked her

My understanding is that weekends aren’t really respected in the TV industry (my husband is in his home office working right now 🙄) and the PM is likely to be busy working over the weekend so won’t bat an eyelid at receiving an email on a Saturday. Certain departments are stricter on working hours because of unionisation among other reasons, but production isn’t one of them and people tend to work all sorts of hours while they’re on a project.

you need to speak to someone higher about this. I bet that this isnt the first time.

Seriously - whatever you do, ignore this 'advice'.

Even if it were a GDPR breach (which is isn't), how would that solve OP's problem?

And don't wait til Monday.
His wife will be badgering him to get you fired today.

I'd set her straight.
That the relationship between you is purely professional and you were returning his call which was work related.
I wouldn't tell him but I'd make sure she got the message.

I believe you're going to get into a mess if you PM your manager with this play ground drama. You've done nothing wrong so do nothing. This woman is (as you know by now) mentally unstable and her husband is probably freaking out as much as you. It's not in his best interests to ask to have his work partner removed as he would need to give explanations as to "why" (which is going to be extremely embarrassing for him as would need to admit having an unstable wife). Just keep screenshots of everything in case you ever need to explain the situation. Your work partner's wife is doing this with his female colleagues (not only you), he has breached your private data and now you're being stalked/harassed. You're not the only woman they have done this too. If all this comes to light he has more to loose than you (professionally speaking).

I had this, in my case it was a phone call , really early but she used the colleagues 'phone (her husbands) . I was away on business (he wasn't there) so when his name showed up really early that, combined with the fact I was in a strange hotel room and a bit disorientated probably made me more to the point than I might have otherwise been! I think the colleague had texted me (about the work visit) the evening before as were out with the client and assuming she was checking his phone she would have seen texts and 'phone calls between us.

I remember saying to her - well he may fancy me I don't know do I, I certainly don't fancy him - and then it got more bizarre as she started telling me her relation ship woes. It was awful - but even more awful when I got back to work and asked to have a word in private with him he just brushed it off "oh yes she does this all the time". It really soured our work relationship to be honest as I found it really awkward that he wasn't taking any responsibility or didn;t think it was upsetting/unsettling for me. She phoned again a couple of times a couple of months after (we were in different offices by then) and by that stage I was getting brassed off as she wan't accusing me any more just talking to me like I was her friend. I think I may have texted her back that time or said to her (I can't remember which) and said any more contact I will be going to the police you are harassing me now (that was on teh advice of husabmd who is in the police). I think they had a difficult marriage and she was looking for someone or something to blame.

RTFT…

If this has happened to you, I'll bet she's done the same to other women. I'd try and find out then point out to bosses that it's discrimination against women to get rid of them just because of your colleagues personal circumstances.

Right so come Monday he's going to request a new work partner. Reason - because his wife's jealous.

Let's see how that goes! Stand your ground.

I'd message back saying that you need to be able to contact your colleague for work purposes and that you don't know what relationship problems the two of them are currently having but to kindly leave you out of it.

In any employment/contact, the correct way to deal with those sort of contacts is to contact your line manager and say something on the lines of;

I had a missed call from x on Friday/whenever, went to return it and then I got these messages shortly afterwards. X has said they've had a baby recently; I'm a bit concerned as she doesn't sound very well and I think my trying to contact him right now would make things worse - would you be able to advise, please?

That way, there are no surprises for the manager on Monday morning - such as a request to swap from X or an angry call from his wife demanding you be fired because you're fucking her husband/chasing him when he's not interested/sleeping around the company/she'll go to the papers with how the company encourages this/whatever is in her head right now.

I work in your industry OP.

I would email PM and poss cc. Line Producer or Producer along the lines of.

Hello.

I'm trying to head off some potential drama that might impact flow of production.

I received a random text from XXXXX (wife of XXX) challenging my relationship with XXX. It's a completely unfounded accusation, and to be honest I am as baffled as I am insulted. I barely know XXX other than in our professional capacity. I tried ignoring her but she has been quite persistent culminating in her announcing that XXX is going to ask to have me replaced.

Should that request materialise, I just want to be clear that it would be grossly unfair and apart from the job aspect, I'd be really upset and the inference on my reputation (and the impact that could have).

I'm really happy to either a) ignore it all and carry on if nothing further happens or b) talk to you in the presence of XXX should this escalate in any way.

Hopefully it will come to nothing as it really is nothing, but I wanted to give you a head's up as well as myself the opportunity to be clear on where I stand.

Thanks so much
Best
XXX

I would not worry so much about your reputation as eventually when all his partners have had to be moved because his wife keeps escalating perfectly normal interactions, people will know it’s him and her: not you:

So? Who cares what she thinks? Remember the old adage about wrestling with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.

OP you're under absolutely no compulsion to engage with this whack job just because she demands it. Once you start down the JADE route of justify, argue, defend and explain, she's reeled you into a private situation not of your making and which has absolutely nothing to do with you. On what planet is it okay to take this kind of liberty with people? That's next-level CF.

Block her. Take screen shots of her messages and take it up with her husband, with terse instructions that you do not appreciate being harassed simply for trying to do your job. Make it clear to him that you expect him to nix it.

A friend of mine has a succinct and useful phrase for these situations: 'another fucker's shit'. The less you say, the less you get drawn in and for said shit to become your personal problem.

It isn't. You owe no explanations for anything, and can only maintain an appropriate professionalism by staying well out of it.

Sorry - I can see the thread's moved on apace before I replied.

Well, unfortunately that was predictable. She wanted a confrontation. Engaging really wasn't a good idea.

I think you have just found out why you have never worked with him before! 😯 He has a controlling and unhinged wife. @Luredbyapomegranate has it right.

Heads up to the PM this weekend. No more contact with the wife and see if your colleague/husband has anything to say or contribute on Monday. If he does appear I would be asking how his wife got your number without your consent (forget the GDPR thing, just professional conduct you expect from colleagues) and be indignant that they all think you would be that unprofessional.

No need to stir the pot further your end, you have no idea what your colleague has been saying to his wife. Maybe he does have an OW but was using you as a decoy, who knows 🤔

I would go straight to Hr ans advise data protection has been breached. I would advise myreputation is being attacked by untrue accusations and furthermore the collegues wife is harassing me, I would expect HR to protect me as this all resulted from my job.

I agree with speaking to your line manager and explaining exactly what has happened.
Do not send any emails or texts.
Their relationship sounds turbulent and I'm afraid at the moment your collateral damage.

As an Exec, I agree completely. Dealt with these kind of things and we do it subtlety and respectfully.

As an aside, nice to see so many fellow telly people on here!

Telly rarely has ‘HR’.

@BlueMoone please speak to someone higher up and show them the WhatsApp messages. This deranged woman is harassing you and a man who’s almost old enough to be your dad could ruin your career/reputation. Screenshot everything and keep a log.

I wouldn't do anything this weekend and wait until you speak to him on Monday. He's probably just placating his wife and will be deeply embarrassed by the whole thing.

Following on from my earlier post about descanting the texts & distancing yourself from the drama, I can see the point made by freelancers in this sector that it is worth you sending a message up the line to make them aware of this incident.

I suggest that you draft the email today with timeline & screenshots of msgs sent & received, & state that you have categorically blocked both their numbers so no further communication has taken place. This confirms your neutrality & professionalism.
Do not send straight away, leave it until tomorrow night, review it to make sure it is completely neutral in tone & factual.

Do not send the message so that it arrives whilst the manager is catching up over the weekend, as there is nothing they can do until usual work hours (e.g. speak with you, your colleague, HR etc).

Send the message very first thing Monday morning before the working day starts or after you have spoken with colleague so that you can include an update - your choice.

It I did write an update to the core message, I would say no more than:

‘Earlier today X & I have discussed the messages sent to me & my single reply on ?? June 2022. The cause of this is entirely a private matter & misunderstanding between him & his wife, I have no part in this. X has assured me that this will not happen again. X & I will continue to work together as professionals to deliver the project as contracted.’

Present yourself as neutral, responsible, professional & trouble-free completer contractor as that document is what will be logged on any HR case notes (if it goes that far) & this will inform any future references that are usually sent out by someone who has never met you.