25 years and out for clearing a shelf!

[Superness]

I’m 50 in less than two weeks, have been with my partner for 25 years, we have two school aged children together, and this week It looks like we’ve come to an end. Things aren’t perfect between us but overall we tick along quite nicely until something trivial happens which blows up disproportionately. On this occasion, I was cleaning the house because we were thinking about moving and I’d made an appointment for a valuation. On our hallway staircase, there is a shelf with dp’s bike gear on it plus some of the kids stuff. It’s messy as it’s an open shelf and I thought it would look nice with plants on it instead. I’d asked a few years back for a door to be put on it but it never happened….busy family life and always jobs to do. Anyway, I put some stuff away and other stuff like a bike lid, I put on the kitchen table thinking it was about time it found a new place to live. Well, when dp asked me why his bike stuff was there and I said I’d cleared the shelf because I wanted ‘my’ house’ to look nice, he went ballistic bellowing at me and repeatedly telling me ‘fuck-you’. I said what a disappointment he was for verbally abusing me over cleaning a shelf and spent the night in one of the children's room. Spent the day working but tearful and very upset. Went he came home from work and ignored me, I felt even more upset and I reacted by asking him to leave. He won’t leave. We are unmarried. He says we will sell the house and I will have to deal with the children. He won’t apologise. Apparently I was being abusive trying to remove all trace of him from this house by clearing the shelf and he’s had enough of my abuse. Honestly, his decks are in the front room, speakers in the kitchen, bike stuff in the washing machine cupboard, third bedroom and our bedroom and the garage. It seems so irrational. It’s obviously deeper than the shelf but I can’t tolerate being verbally abused and being told it’s my fault. Where do I go from here?

I think you need legal advice, OP. I'd think seriously about cancelling the house sale at this point and see if you have the right to ask him to leave. If selling effectively leaves you and the children homeless, you may have legal alternatives. This man is a bully, and he is not going to play fair, whatever he says now.

Dont ever go to counselling with an abusive person

The shelf, his stuff even if he has another woman these are all utterly irrelevant to be honest.

The relevant parts are:
If you accidentally do something to upset him he thinks its acceptable to scream and shout then ignore you
He thinks parenthood is optional for him and he can opt out of doing his share to punish you

Do you really want to stay with someone with those traits? If nothing else the impact of his behaviour and words on your children will not be positive. Get out and show that they dont have to tolerate abusive behaviour

You believe wrong.
it happens occasionally but not as a matter of course.
And anyway, what is the point of the post, as they are not married?

But you don't KNOW if the OP is abusive or not do you. All we have is the OPs version and her version includes clues that the possibility of her being abusive is real. You can't assert that the OP isn't abusive anymore than assert that the partner is. We have one version of events and that version has indicators of potential controlling behaviour demonstrated by the OP. That's all we KNOW. Everything else is conjecture

Yes and you have one conjecture @dumdumduuuummmmm and many other posters have another one….
Many people see the high entitlement feeling of this man who thinks leaving all this stuff all over the house is ok. (Not just the bike!) They see a man who refuses to listen to the OP. They see a man who doesn’t want to do all the work (ringing the estate agent, tidying etc…). They see a man who wants things his way and no other way.

@SantiMakesMeLaugh, well, but ... you're not the OP, so how can you have her personal experience?

Of course there could be loads of reasons why the door didn't get put up; she says it was just being busy, and that's why I wanted to know more about it.

I'd suggest OP and her DP have not had an intimate relationship for some time and this is blowing up minor disagreements. Intimacy is the well of forgiveness in a relationship, and without it both partners will have less patience with ostensibly minor things. He's probably thinking 'I'm not getting much out of this relationship any more' - the question is can you regain your intimacy?

Flatmates dont have intimacy but they usually get along by not screaming fuck off if someone upsets them

Why should the op have sex with someone who thinks parenting their children is optional and uses the threat of opting out of it to punish the op. I cant think of anything less sexy

It seems odd to me that the OP lumps the bike stuff (as 'his') together with 'his' speakers in the kitchen and 'his' decks in the living room. Where should those things be? Why not in those places? To me, it does feel a bit as if she thinks the house is hers and miscellaneous objects she doesn't personally like/use shouldn't be there

But they are "his" things. They aren't OP's things and they aren't the children's things. Of course he needs somewhere for "his" things for "his" hobbies but you missed this out of your post:
bike stuff in the washing machine cupboard, third bedroom and our bedroom and the garage
While I can see why the decks might need to be in the living room and wouldn't have a problem with that myself, this bike stuff everywhere is totally unacceptable. It should all be in one place - preferably in the garage. It shouldn't be in the washing machine cupboard and certainly not in the bedroom. It sounds awful and I really don't believe these Mumsnetters going on about this would really want to live in a home with stuff like that lying around all over the place.

The house is "theirs". OP used the term "my house" and "my children". Perhaps that is a symptom of some deeper attitude of hers but perhaps it's just what she says with no hidden meaning attached. I don't believe that all the Mumsnetters having a go at her about this ALWAYS, in ALL situations say "our house", "our children" etc.
Anyway, the house is "theirs" and it's also the children's home and it should be reasonably tidy and should not have stuff belonging to one person strewn all over the place impacting on everyone's living space.
And yes, I would be saying the same if it was a woman who'd taken up some hobby and had stuff relating to it left around everywhere.

Op I am shocked by the responses on here. You describe a house that is covered in bike stuff in random places which you I think reasonably ask to be tidied. I am really surprised by posters saying that having bike stuff on view all over the house would be just accepted by most people. Or that a pile of bike stuff on a shelf is the same as pot plants in terms of making a house presentable.

if I over react to something and if I had ever spoken to another person like that I would apologise profusely for it whilst also trying to calmly explain what was wrong. Your partner seems to have no remorse for verbally abusing you.

that, combined with the fact that despite you asking him to tidy the bike stuff regularly it has remained there seems to me to suggest he just does whatever he bloody pleases. Not being controlled by someone trying to erase evidence of him. Interesting to see that when you actually do what you’ve been asking him to do his reaction is verbal abuse and no apology. Seems to me he wants to make sure you don’t dare do that again. Especially not if he’s trying to convince you you’re controlling to do so.

The focus on you saying “my house”. It is your house. Your partner’s also. I suspect you said “my” because you were thinking of the image the house presents of you at a valuation. If your partner’s bike stuff is all over the house despite you asking him to hide it/tidy it I suspect it often feels like your identity is now where to be seen. And I say again it is very odd to see a number of posters saying it is attempting to erase him/control him because you don’t want bike stuff everywhere. That is not normal stuff to be inside the house on display. And yes it is different to plants.

the issue of the cupboard. Posters suggesting it was unreasonable that you didn’t just put the doors on it yourself. Why? He refused to tidy his stuff so you asked him instead to add doors to cover it. Because it was messy. Why should you remedy this? Again bike stuff piled up on a shelf really isn’t something most of us would want on display.

To be honest it sounds like your partner latched on to you saying “my” as a stick to beat you with. He couldn’t really object to saying that things need to be tidy but it obviously irritated him greatly. But he can object to you saying “my house”. Despite the fact that you both knowing the house is both yours and you have clearly lived alongside him and his stuff for 25 years. And others on here are doing the same twisting of the issue and extending it by criticising you for saying “I booked” the valuation…really?! How should one phrase that? You picked up the phone and made the appointment. Bizzarre that posters are saying this indicated controlling nature.

your posts read that you tidied up in preparation for a valuation. Your partner reacted really unreasonably. Presumably the bike stuff is still in all the other places. Did he really expect the bike stuff to remain whilst valuations and viewings go on? Very unlikely. It sounds to me like he resents you wanting him to not leave his outdoor hobby belongings all over the house and has finally found what he thinks is a valid reason to let rip about it.

If they are getting the house valued then making it neutrally attractive is important. It's... really obvious why plants are better, in that context. You just seem to want to find fault with OP.

If you don't believe her, I'm honestly not sure why you're on her thread.

Not relevant but I can't help wondering why you never wanted to marry this boyfriend? Has he always been like this? Is that why you don't want marriage or is it him that didn't want to marry you?

Exactly this, it's a massive headache getting prepared to move, or even for valuation photos. OP hardly sounds like an abusive neat freak if she generally tolerates having stuff everywhere... and I totally get the "my house" comment in so far as it is usually women who feel judged by the general level of cleanliness/decor etc, who generally do more of the housework and want it to feel homely for the children.

I can't understand people picking up the "MY house" comment as abuse but ignore the widely disproportionate and intimidating shouting f* you in someone's face.

It would be the final straw for me I think.

oh good for the pair of you!

keep it up,
knock down other posters because they dont agree with your pov

@ringemoooo - yes, I missed those things out because my precise point was that she'd lumped them all together! Ok, sure, his bike stuff in various places sounds annoying and I wouldn't be delighted if my DP wanted bike stuff in the third bedroom either. But what has it got to do with speakers or decks? It'd be like me saying 'DP has all her house plants on every windowsill, and she has her knitting on the table and her x box in the study'. I mean, sure, she does ... but so what?

It does, to me, sound as if the OP resents the sheer volume of his stuff in her house. That may be a valid resentment, but it's not quite fair to present it as if it were all bike stuff spilling over every corner, when part of what she describes is perfectly ordinary household possessions in perfectly ordinary places.

@Innocenta - I did say 'except aesthetically'. I acknowledged that point already. Not sure why you think it means I don't believe her?

Obviously, she wants to make the house look nice for a valuation; obviously, he's a knob for yelling at her. But it's fairly clear the bike stuff on the shelf is a long-running source of disagreement that goes back to well before this point, so clearly, it's not just about making it look pretty for the valuation.

You should not tolerate abuse like that . Seems to me like another make on a mid life crisis thinking grass is greener somewhere else .
if you truly want him to leave then call the police if he refuses to do so . Ver all abuse is threatening abuse and he will be told to leave or made to leave.
is the house in both your names ?

Things aren’t perfect between us but overall we tick along quite nicely until something trivial happens which blows up disproportionately.

so this is a pattern op?

The stuff about the speakers etc… was in answer to some pp comments though, not what the OP chose to share with us.
The OP mentioned the speakers etc… as a way to prove that her DH was NOT erased from the house as he claimed but that actually, he has many things there that were STILL at the same place.

This, for me, has nothing to do with how the OP feels about her DH etc…. Bar the fact he too has left his imprint on the house

@abricotsec I think the point people are making is that as there is no indication that the foul language is normal ( and let's face it, the OP would have said as the whole point of the post is to highlight the unreasonable partner) then an explosive expletive is likely to be an indication of a long term problem in the relationship. Nothing to do with clearing a shelf

@Oscarthedog

Why is men's rights activist such a bad thing are female or black rights activists worse or better?

MRAs believe that society as a whole is sexist against men.

Do you believe that to be true?

No, the stuff about speakers is in the OP's first post.

which makes total sense. If you're trying to sell a house nobody will want to see bike bits everywhere. Gives the impression of lack of space and potentially lack of care of the house. Basic 'house doctor' stuff.

maybe he doesn't really want to sell or possibly he's become comfortable with 'his' house and freedom to put what he wants where he wants, and any push back makes him uncomfortable (obviously lashing out isn't remotely acceptable as a response to that)

At the bottom of her OP, she says:

Apparently I was being abusive trying to remove all trace of him from this house by clearing the shelf and he’s had enough of my abuse. Honestly, his decks are in the front room, speakers in the kitchen, bike stuff in the washing machine cupboard, third bedroom and our bedroom and the garage. It seems so irrational.

Given this is her first post, and she's trying to set the scene, I do find this really telling. I wouldn't personally want bike stuff in either bedroom, but having it in the garage or a cupboard is a problem? Really?

@MrsLargeEmbodied Please do specify how showing appreciation to @CaptSkippy for her thoughtful pro-women posts was 'knocking down' other posters.

If people choose to make misogynistic statements, we are entitled to observe and comment on that.

@Innocenta
but you just turn it into a bunfight which isnt pleasant or helpful to anybody, not least the op