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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner lying about owning a house..

210 replies

Smileandbe · 07/06/2022 14:35

Hi all,

I have been with my partner for a couple of years now, he owns his own place (or so I thought) and I own mine. He has basically moved in with me (it's easier for us both this way due to being closer to work) and we've lived together just over a year.

We try to go to his place once a week. Recently I have suggested I would like to move forward maybe get a place together or rent one of our places out so we are better off financially. He reacted badly to this and says he doesn't want to sell his place or rent it out. I am happy to sell or rent mine if it means we move forward together. I presumed he was struggling with commitment and maybe it was too soon for him to move forward, despite the fact we live together already.

I have since discovered (from some papers he threw out and asked me to shred) that he doesn't actually own his property but rather rents it from his ex in laws. I've done a check online and confirmed this is the case. He doesn't know that I know yet.

My first reaction was shock. He's told me since we met that he has worked so hard to get a mortgage and pay it as a single person (as I have too). He's told me he has 5 years left on his mortgage, that he's locked in for 5 years so he'd get a good rate and not be affected by the cost of living crisis in that respect etc etc. He planned to sell his flat when he retired and get a mobile home so he could travel abroad more. He's not simply lied about owning a property, he's fabricated a lifestyle.

I couldn't care less if he had absolutely nothing when we first met. I've never asked or wanted anything physically from him and I do not consider myself to be a materialistic person. I would have loved him the same whatever but the fact that he has been lying to me all this time is so confusing. I don't understand why he feels he needs to do it and when he plans on telling me the truth. I am still struggling to process it.

I really do not know the best way to approach this with him. If anyone has any input I'd be so grateful 🙏 thank you

OP posts:

layladomino · 07/06/2022 18:14

This is about so much more than his lies about the property. It shows you he is happy to lie to you, regularly and over a long period, and he's convincing. Which means he could have lied about lots of other things (or just one or two important things) and you wouldn't know.

You couldn't ever trust him again.

Then there's the fact he's willing to lie to you - lack of respect for you. Happy to strong you along believing untruths. I couldn't stay with someone like that. Without trust it isn't a relationship.

So sorry op.

scoobydoo1971 · 07/06/2022 18:16

I dated a man once who claimed to have a very good retail business, and owned a substantial house outright due to inheritance from his mother (who has died some years earlier). I believed him for a while. Then I had some doubts based on his spending habits and the way he treated one of my associates (a tradesperson who he promised a job to...and then didn't want to pay up front...and then backed out of the work commitment. When he left me alone in his house whilst out running errands I noticed his business cabinet was unlocked, and I helped myself to his accounts. They were really scary to read, and he was up to his eye balls. He had a very significant mortgage on the house, with his ex-wife as co-owner. She was taking him to court over the house and they were divorcing, and there were legal papers suggesting a fight over money. He told me he was already divorced, and it all unravelled that day...I left him, and suggest you do the same. He clearly had his eyes on my assets as the next target. Anyone who lies like this is a sociopath with no regard for others feelings. Run and run fast.

70kid · 07/06/2022 18:17

Either he’s fucking stupid - giving you the papers that prove it’s not his house

thinks your fucking stupid and won’t suss it out

Hes fucking stupid & a fucking liar and not even a good one at that

tranquilrain · 07/06/2022 18:17

This is really, really worrying. I definitely couldn't trust another word he said. Im sorry, OP.

Staynow · 07/06/2022 18:18

Is it possible the in laws bought/own the house and he is buying it off them? It just seems a bizarre situation that they own the house he lives in.

CarburyChocolateRules · 07/06/2022 18:23

I would be wondering what else he has / can lie about

Oceanus · 07/06/2022 18:26

OP, so he's been messaging other women, he's lied to you about sth massive and you still don't know what to do? You don't need advice or validation, you need therapy so you can learn to love yourself. You are worthy of being loved and you don't need this partner, you can do better, you deserve better and there is better out there.
You've backed yourself into a little corner, obviously he lives in your house but it can be done. Get a bunch of boxes so he can pack his stuff and move on.

Octomore · 07/06/2022 18:28

Staynow · 07/06/2022 18:18

Is it possible the in laws bought/own the house and he is buying it off them? It just seems a bizarre situation that they own the house he lives in.

But that would still be a lie, wouldn't it?

People keep offering this as an explanation, but it would still be a blatant lie when you compare it to what he has told the OP.

Takeitonthechin · 07/06/2022 18:33

Hi OP, I'm sorry to hear you've got so far into a relationship and found out your partner has been lying to you for so long.
There maybe a few different reasons as to why he has lied to you, it may just boil down to his pride, or it could go deeper where he was with his wife and maybe couldn't afford the mortgage and his in-laws bought the house from him to get him out of a sticky situation. Or it just be that the in- laws have always owned it and both him & his wife lived there together.
The only way to find out is to sit down and ask the question, explain what you saw in the paper work, he may have deliberately put the paper work in there hoping you'd see it because he's sick of living a lie.
One things for sure you won't know unless you ask, but I'd certainly have in your head, the outcome of your conversation, whether you believe he's telling the truth and can give him another chance or you tell him it's over due to his dishonesty, but at least you may be somewhat wiser as to why he's lied to you. Good luck OP

concernedalot · 07/06/2022 18:38

So he's been lying to you and also messaging other women? It seems strange that he gave the papers for you to shred, he probably knows you'd look out of curiosity. This sounds very cynical but do you think there's a chance he has met someone else and by handing you the papers he knows you'll have to end the relationship and he'll get the added bonus of letting you know he's duped you for the last two years about his whole life to hurt you? That's what a sociopathic type would do. But without knowing ALL the things he's done and how he is as a person it would be impossible to reach this conclusion. But i'm just offering an alternative viewpoint/possibility? Either way you need to end the relationship as he is totally untrustworthy. But I would end it without confronting him about the lie, you've seen all there is to know and it's only going to be met with more lies, or possibly aggression. I would just tell him you're not feeling it/seeing a future together. Really you should have dumped him after finding out about the messages to other women. He's playing you like a fiddle OP. Look after yourself

Onwards22 · 07/06/2022 18:41

People keep offering this as an explanation, but it would still be a blatant lie when you compare it to what he has told the OP.

Yes it’s absolutely still lying but it makes sense if the ex is still living in their old home.

It sounds like the both chose not to uproot the child and instead of selling the house and getting half of the money the in laws brought one so their daughter and grandchild didn’t have to move from there home.

Yes it’s still a lie but if this is the case which is very likely, then it’s a good thing they did.
I can also see him not telling OP in the beginning but by now he should have come clean.

Definitely ask him OP but don’t say is it because…. as if it is something dodgy then he’ll lie even more.

Fluffymule · 07/06/2022 18:43

He's a liar.

He's shown you no respect by lying to you and fabricating his future plans - it's simply deceit.

How can you possibly trust him moving forwards?

Personally I'd refuse to listen to any of his 'explanations' which will undoubtedly include more lies. Show yourself the respect he hasn't and tell him to leave.

EinsteinaGogo · 07/06/2022 18:45

Where does the OP say he's been messaging other women?

StageRage · 07/06/2022 18:45

Oh, OP, how horrible for you.

But the relationship was already not what you want or needed: he doesn’t want to move in with you, create a home and household with you, as he said he would not relinquish his home etc. And that he had planned his future as travelling. Clearly a future that doesn’t include you or else he would already have discussed it with you before you raised the possibility of moving forward with your partnership and homes.

Now you have found that he is a liar.

OK, so you have had a good couple of years, hopefully had some fun and good times, and THANK GOD have found out what he is really like before you did anything drastic like sell your place and move in with him.

So… quit while you are ahead?

UserError012345 · 07/06/2022 18:46

Ugh why do people lie ?

What you going to do OP......as upsetting as it is I don't think there's any coming back from this. At least you found out how before selling your place.

Oceanus · 07/06/2022 18:47

EinsteinaGogo · 07/06/2022 18:45

Where does the OP say he's been messaging other women?

Sb else did a search with the OP's nickname and it shows up in an earlier thread.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 07/06/2022 18:47

Nah. That is a filthy big lie. He’d be gone as I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could chuck him.

viques · 07/06/2022 18:48

Please say you didn’t shred the papers that proved the lying!

if you did he will have some mansplaining explanation that will just be another lie.

StageRage · 07/06/2022 18:52

EinsteinaGogo · 07/06/2022 18:45

Where does the OP say he's been messaging other women?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4520815-Partner-messaging-another-woman

mynameisbrian · 07/06/2022 18:55

OMG dump him and chuck him out. You need to raise your bar, he has been living in your home, lying constantly and messaging other women and lying about that too

StageRage · 07/06/2022 18:55

viques · 07/06/2022 18:48

Please say you didn’t shred the papers that proved the lying!

if you did he will have some mansplaining explanation that will just be another lie.

However, OP, you know what you saw.
You know what you checked online.

He has previously tried to gaslight you, twisting and lying about what he said to make you be the guilty party. Blaming you when you find things out…

Purringcat3 · 07/06/2022 18:59

The guys a fantasist.
he lives on a different planet.

Coyoacan · 07/06/2022 19:01

Anyone who lies like this is a sociopath with no regard for others feelings

I'm not a psychologist, to say that they are all the same, but many years ago my sister had a child with a man who lied about being a medical student when in fact he was a labourer. He turned out to be a diagnosed psychopath.

Crimeismymiddlename · 07/06/2022 19:13

This lie is too big to ignore. Who knows what else it is covering up. At the very least he has given you a false sense of the future that can’t happen, the worst is that he imagines his plans will happen from the sale of your home.

SunnyShiner · 07/06/2022 19:13

If he's lying about this, what else is he lying about? Cocklodging Pinocchio

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