Partner lying about owning a house..

[Smileandbe]

Hi all,

I have been with my partner for a couple of years now, he owns his own place (or so I thought) and I own mine. He has basically moved in with me (it's easier for us both this way due to being closer to work) and we've lived together just over a year.

We try to go to his place once a week. Recently I have suggested I would like to move forward maybe get a place together or rent one of our places out so we are better off financially. He reacted badly to this and says he doesn't want to sell his place or rent it out. I am happy to sell or rent mine if it means we move forward together. I presumed he was struggling with commitment and maybe it was too soon for him to move forward, despite the fact we live together already.

I have since discovered (from some papers he threw out and asked me to shred) that he doesn't actually own his property but rather rents it from his ex in laws. I've done a check online and confirmed this is the case. He doesn't know that I know yet.

My first reaction was shock. He's told me since we met that he has worked so hard to get a mortgage and pay it as a single person (as I have too). He's told me he has 5 years left on his mortgage, that he's locked in for 5 years so he'd get a good rate and not be affected by the cost of living crisis in that respect etc etc. He planned to sell his flat when he retired and get a mobile home so he could travel abroad more. He's not simply lied about owning a property, he's fabricated a lifestyle.

I couldn't care less if he had absolutely nothing when we first met. I've never asked or wanted anything physically from him and I do not consider myself to be a materialistic person. I would have loved him the same whatever but the fact that he has been lying to me all this time is so confusing. I don't understand why he feels he needs to do it and when he plans on telling me the truth. I am still struggling to process it.

I really do not know the best way to approach this with him. If anyone has any input I'd be so grateful 🙏 thank you

Exactly. The simplest explanation is usually the correct one. Occam's razor.

The chances that this is some convoluted arrangement where he ends up owning the house are pretty much nil. And even if it is - it's still a bloody massive lie!

End it OP. You deserve respect and do not deserve to be lied to.

Admittedly it’s a while since I was in the dating game but are you seriously suggesting verifying a new partner’s property portfolio via the Land Registry as a matter of course?

Hell yes. If you want to verify things about them that they have told you and the relationship has got serious.

Whoa, big whopping lies told over time.
He has deliberately misrepresented his true financial position to you.

How you square his level of deceit of you, I dunno.

Buuut have no formal financial arrangements with him, & make sure that arrangements between you cannot be interpreted so that he can make a future financial claim on you.

It will be the tip of the iceberg. What else is he lieing about.

A good friend of mine lied to a man she had just started dating that she owned her own house - in fact she was renting it from her friend who was living abroad. She lied because her date owned property, was clearly doing well for himself, she wanted to impress him and she never imagined the relationship would turn serious and she'd have to explain herself...

...cue the next year spent stressing as the relationship progressed towards living together that her lie would be exposed and he'd leave her. Eventually, after conversations about him renting out his house and them buying a place together, she came clean. To her great relief, he understood her reasons for lying and they moved on from it. They're still together 17 years on, happily married with two children.

When I started reading your post I thought that perhaps you could forgive your partner for lying to save face. However, as I read more about the elaborate lies he's told, I changed my mind. I'm not sure how I could continue to be with someone wondering what else they could be lying about. I don't envy your situation, OP.

I just went back and reread your post in March about him messaging other women. You need to kick him to the curb. i hate this overused phrase, but he is clearly gaslighting you.

I'll bet if you confront him with what you know he will deny ever telling you that about the house/mortgage.

He is not the man you thought he was
Get rid of him and change your locks
No point trying to discuss anything with a proven liar

You haven’t said what the financial implications are - how is he affording to live with you and rent from the in-laws? Are you subsidizing him? Could they have brought the property for him and intend to leave it in a will? How will you feel comfortable joining assists if you buy together - where’s the money coming from?

Maybe his in laws and he agreed a rental arrangement when he split from their daughter and allowed him to live there.
Whatever the case is there's untruths in there somewhere.
For that reason alone I'd kick him to the kerb.

It sounds like, as with a lot of men, he was completely ruined over the divorce - she took everything of value and left him unable to buy. He may have always had to rely on in-laws, or perhaps there is a bigger story in regard to his job (salary not as substantial) or a history of debt or other issues.

In any event he has fabricated a large part of his reality and you need to approach this from the point of view of what is best for you.

With deception of this scale you have to ask yourself what else is he capable of lying about and who he is underneath it all. You’ve fallen in love with person A. Who is person B and why did they feel the need to lie?

I would certainly get him out of your house and back into his flat until you have some answers.

It sounds like, as with a lot of men, he was completely ruined over the divorce - she took everything of value and left him unable to buy. He may have always had to rely on in-laws, or perhaps there is a bigger story in regard to his job (salary not as substantial) or a history of debt or other issues.

What a load of bollocks

Did you not know the rule? Whatever men do it is always, always the fault of women.

😂😂😂

its laughable some people still have this prehistoric programming.

This isn’t a Jackie Collins novel. Courts don’t go in for ruining anyone, they just like to see a fair division of assets.

I do know the rule @IncompleteSenten but it never ceases to surprise me when it's trotted out!

Loads of men lie about stuff like this these days because so many of them are utterly hopeless.

I remember the one who told me he ‘did not smoke’ and he had a genetic condition which resulted in staining of his teeth which suspiciously looked like fag stains.

I looked him dead pan and said so whats the condition called? He was all flabbergasted. He was like Ok Ok I lied because I was ashamed I smoked and it would put you off. I wouldnt have cared if he smoked, I cared he thought I was an idiot that he could manipulate by lying.

once someone lies about something its part of their MO for whatever reason. It means they lie about loads of stuff

wow that’s a GIANT red flag.

change the locks and get him out.

if he can lie to you for 2 (?) years about something like this, he’s not going to tell you the truth when you ask him, is he??

"It sounds like, as with a lot of men, he was completely ruined over the divorce - she took everything of value and left him unable to buy."

OMG @Robinni 😂 stop talking so much shit.

Anyway OP I think this is a huge red flag. It's very similar to what happened at the start of my relationship with my son's dad. I forgave the initial lies but the ease of lying was indicative of his personality and it's just second nature. He will lie about anything no matter how mundane and pointless.
If he's lied repeatedly for such a long time, creating backstories etc then it sounds like the lies come easily to him too.

@OvaryActions I’m not, every couple I’ve seen get divorced the man has got his balls rolled as mother taken primary custody of children and taken house.

In one instance seen a woman swan off with a house and £250k and didn’t even have kids.

In fact the only instance where I’ve seen the man to get 50:50 is where he was very careful to ensure he had documented evidence the mortgage was paid out of his account (mostly by him) and that he had proof he paid for all interior fittings too.

Perhaps my view of things will change moving into 40s/50s when more get divorced, but so far what I’ve seen of divorce if the woman takes custody it’s a shit show for man. 🤷‍♀️

Agree with everything you said re. OP partner lying - whatever his reasons or back story nothing can excuse this. It is indicative of his personality and that won’t change.

OP said he left the ex 18 years ago though - so why would you rent for all this time? maybe there was an agreement that he'd cover the mortage but it (for some odd reason) stays in the inlaws names? Timelines would roughly line up with him being relatively close to paying it off.

Although then transferring to his name would be weird with capital gains etc issues? Maybe he didn't think it through at the time. Still a possibility he just ended up in this situation and never bothered changing it and was hoping he'd be able to clear it all before needing to come clean.

It may not be the tip of the iceberg and if you calmly ask him about it it may all come out in the wash - you'll at least get a feel if he's being honest about it based on what he says and how.

Ps I’m not saying that it is unfair for division of assets to be primarily towards mother if they have primary custody - if a man commits to having children he should pay for them and provide a home.

But noting that it can be difficult for them to financially recover from the process, particularly with legal fees if assets are more substantial than a single dwelling.

Incidentally, women can have more to lose than men depending on who is the higher earner or brought more to the marriage. Hence why a prenup/postnup and proper financial planning is prudent…. More people men and women, need to plan for the event of divorce to protect themselves.

That’s really quite messed up.