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Original poster

I can’t take anymore. Feel like I want to disappear forever

136 replies

SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 11:59

My partner is asking me to move to Ireland to support him in his job. Im pregnant. We are not married.

He wants this job as it’s got good long term prospects and his parents live in Dublin so he will be close to them. They are not welcoming people and whilst I know them, they are not the sort of people you can call in for a chat or have a warm relationship with. They see my DP every week or so for an hour when we have gone over. My family are much more involved and proactive.

The sticking point though is that my job is based in England and I would not be able to work in Ireland doing what I do. It wouldn’t even be possible remotely. DP knows this yet expects me to join him in Ireland and he will ‘provide everything.’ I don’t want to be jobless and in a place so far from family. He also says that it’s quicker to fly back from Ireland than it is driving from where we are at the moment to see my family. It’s not the point, I can get in the car here and be with them.

He is saying he will take the job no matter what now and is putting it all on me breaking us up. He has said that I always knew he would want to be close to his parents as they got older (they are nearly 80) and that I knew this and always said I was open to the idea. I did but also made it clear in the last year that I wasn’t ok with it and couldn’t have a future there.

I don’t know what to do now. I’m having the baby in 5 weeks. I’m distraught.

OP posts:
mice · 07/06/2022 12:06

I'm really sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. It must be very difficult for you, particularly with your baby due so soon.
Your partner seems very determined and has made up his mind. What do you actually want for you and your babies future?

Original poster
SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 12:08

@mice I just don’t see how I can go to Ireland. I can’t believe he would even expect it of me. I would have to give up all my career, my friends, my family.

OP posts:
something2say · 07/06/2022 12:09

Stay then darling, and say goodbye to him. It won't hurt forever xx

indoorplantqueen · 07/06/2022 12:10

Don't go. Move closer your parents and have your baby there. Has he just sprung this on you?

Original poster
SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 12:13

@indoorplantqueen he has mentioned it from time to time but always assured me that he was happy in his current job and that was what he wanted to make work. He said that consistently. Every so often he would say if Ireland come back with a job will you come, I would say no, I can’t, for all these reasons. Then it would just disappear and we carried on as usual. He’s now saying the offer has been made and he’s taking it.

OP posts:
CPL593H · 07/06/2022 12:13

I would be very, very wary of ending up in another country, new baby, no job and unmarried (in terms of the rights/protection this affords) and without a support network. Very wary.

RoyKentsChestHair · 07/06/2022 12:14

Don’t go to Ireland. You’re not married so you don’t owe him anything - you could get there, be jobless, SAHM, and he abandons you or makes you homeless and you’re stuck. At least if you were married he’d have to support you financially, whereas partners only have to pay child support. You’ll need your parents around as he clearly can’t be relied upon to be a good supportive partner.

I know it’s not ideal timing but you can do it as a single mum. Plenty of us do Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/06/2022 12:15

No do not walk into this arrangement (an arrangement that only suits him by the way) under any circumstances!. He to "provide everything" for you is a huge red flag for controlling you further. He is no longer your DP let alone a partner to you here, this relationship is really and truly over.

I would also give this child your surname and not his and would raise your child in the UK. Your job, family and support systems are here. If your family are as proactive as you say they are use their resources now and let them help you.

Velvetbee · 07/06/2022 12:15

Stay here, don’t move for a man unless there’s a whole heap of benefit for you as an individual too.

Badger1970 · 07/06/2022 12:18

You'll need your family around you when you've had a baby.

He's asking too much of you. And when you're heavily pregnant too? He doesn't sound very kind or respectful of you - it's not all about him right now.

alphonsedupont · 07/06/2022 12:20

He's prioritising his needs when you're at your most vulnerable. Nope.

Don't go to Ireland. Make sure you can stay where you have support and the ability to remain financially independent.

OmIndeed · 07/06/2022 12:21

He is being selfish beyond belief. Do not move!

JustTheOneSwan · 07/06/2022 12:26

Don't go.
The way he is disregarding your needs now is exactly how he will be there.
He'll storm all over your feelings and you'll be isolated with your new baby and dependant on any scraps from his family.
It's going to hurt short term but you'll at least have your life.
💐
He's a selfish fucker.

Original poster
SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 12:27

He is making me feel so guilty, like I am destroying his career and chance to be with his family when they are old.

He’s saying now he never wanted the baby. I just don’t know what I am supposed to do. I’ve never stopped him having his career. I just can’t get my head around being literally in another country.

OP posts:
Original poster
SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 12:28

He is saying he always mentioned Ireland in his plan and that I should have been aware of this before wanting a baby. He was really settled in the current job and often said there were loads of positives to it compared with Ireland.

i feel like he has kept this from me and was secretly waiting for something to come up

OP posts:
Original poster
SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 12:31

He earns a lot more money on me. I am late 60s and it will stay that way. He is on nearly double. This is partly why he doesn’t care about my job.

OP posts:
Ourlady · 07/06/2022 12:31

Please don’t go. Once you are there you are stuck. Dependent on him for money and with no support system. It’s fishy that he springs this on you when you are at your most vulnerable and weeks away from giving birth. Do not trust him. If he can be this nasty now imagine being trapped and having to put up with the nastiness.
Stay put.

PetersRabbitt · 07/06/2022 12:32

Your choices should be stay and break up or GET MARRIED before moving, otherwise you will truly get the gist of “up shit creek”!

Do not make yourself vulnerable!

Original poster
SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 12:35

He is saying I am holding back his career and I’m stopping him seeing his family as they are so old now. I feel so guilty.

OP posts:
Theworldisfullofgs · 07/06/2022 12:35

He wants you to give up everything for him but doesn't seem at all willing to do that for you. I think that should tell you everything.

I think you know the right choice for you but its not the one you envisioned. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

PriestessofPing · 07/06/2022 12:38

Sounds like he’s waited until you’re pregnant and then presented this as a fait accompli, deciding you will now be a housewife and child bearer. He probably decided that all along but now you are vulnerable and will have a natural desire to stay together through your pregnancy he’s essentially deciding he is able to force his wishes on you and his unborn child.

You will be even more vulnerable with him in Ireland, away from your support network with no job prospects in your industry. He will have full economic and social power and you’ll need to slot in with what he wants - he’s already proven this is the endgame.

I’d let him go personally, no way would I trap myself with someone when I was pregnant and then looking after a newborn who clearly has such little regard for me, my career and my support system and is willing to put this on you at this stage.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/06/2022 12:44

He’s been emotionally manipulative towards you and remains very much so. This is really who he is.

Do you think he feels guilty, no not a bit of it. This person has no conscience and has already stated he never wanted this baby. It’s over, there’s really no way back from that.

Rebuild your life in the UK with your family’s help and without this person in it day to day. Do not go to Ireland under any circumstances because you really will be stuck then.

Swayingpalmtrees · 07/06/2022 12:50

You stand to lose everything, your job and income, your family and home and be left entirely dependent on him.

I would tell him you are going to stay, you would like him to as well and you can visit Ireland on holidays and weekends. Maybe save one day for a second home there that can produce an income?

I think he may have realised that having a baby is now 'setting down roots' and he realises how much he loves Ireland and is probably under pressure from his family to move back - with the baby - so they can be part of things. Having a child makes things very serious suddenly, he might be genuinely be struggling with the concept of having his first child hundreds of miles from where he thought he would raise them. Either way, he has been very secretive lining up jobs without telling you and now is unsure he even wants the baby Confused
That leaves you in an incredibly vulnerable position and there is no way I would even consider it in your position.

Original poster
SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 12:54

@Swayingpalmtrees yeah I think that is true. He is panicking. But I just can’t understand why he thinks it’s ok to be like this. It’s so unreasonable.

I asked what he would have done had the job never come up and he says he would have stayed where he is. So really, there’s no burning desire to be in Ireland above all else and be close to family… he’s doing it because the job is now come up. If it hadn’t, he would have left his family there as he’s done the last 10 years.

I am so stressed and sad. I can’t do this, I can’t live somewhere where I don’t have a job. I could get a different job but my career would be over. He knows this and his answer was that I should re train as a teacher

OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 07/06/2022 12:54

CPL593H · 07/06/2022 12:13

I would be very, very wary of ending up in another country, new baby, no job and unmarried (in terms of the rights/protection this affords) and without a support network. Very wary.

I agree with this. He needs to realise he can't just do whatever he wants with no thought for anyone else now. He has a child and the child's mother to think if, too

The fact that he isn't thinking of you doesn't bode well for the future at all.