I can’t take anymore. Feel like I want to disappear forever

[SundaysKal]

My partner is asking me to move to Ireland to support him in his job. Im pregnant. We are not married.

He wants this job as it’s got good long term prospects and his parents live in Dublin so he will be close to them. They are not welcoming people and whilst I know them, they are not the sort of people you can call in for a chat or have a warm relationship with. They see my DP every week or so for an hour when we have gone over. My family are much more involved and proactive.

The sticking point though is that my job is based in England and I would not be able to work in Ireland doing what I do. It wouldn’t even be possible remotely. DP knows this yet expects me to join him in Ireland and he will ‘provide everything.’ I don’t want to be jobless and in a place so far from family. He also says that it’s quicker to fly back from Ireland than it is driving from where we are at the moment to see my family. It’s not the point, I can get in the car here and be with them.

He is saying he will take the job no matter what now and is putting it all on me breaking us up. He has said that I always knew he would want to be close to his parents as they got older (they are nearly 80) and that I knew this and always said I was open to the idea. I did but also made it clear in the last year that I wasn’t ok with it and couldn’t have a future there.

I don’t know what to do now. I’m having the baby in 5 weeks. I’m distraught.

He sounds like a selfish, manipulative **hole. I agree with the above posts. Also, an English accent doesn't always go down well in Ireland. The vast majority of people are fine, of course, but it's the only place in the world I have felt disliked for my nationality. Nothing would persuade me to move to Ireland. I didn't enjoy my time there at all – grey skies, boring little towns, nothing to do. And I certainly wouldn't move there for a man like that!

This is what abusers do. Wait until you are trapped and have no choice to try to force you to isolate yourself from friends and family and take away all your independence.

If you go there is a very high chance he will abuse you and your baby, if you go you are showing him the way to get what he wants is to bully you

I just don’t know what to do. What about the baby? They will never see their dad? How will I explain that to them? Won’t it damage them? I feel sick thinking about it.

Recently he’s been really offhand with me. I fell down the stairs on Friday and he sort of mocked me when I cried. He was sniffing whenever I sniffed for example. He told me the following day he had just been exhausted and that’s why he did it.

But there’s been other things like he will go a day at a time without any contact and then I will get a message really formal, saying ‘sorry for the delay, I’ve been busy.’

OP your probably going to have to end it. If you go you'll resent him and if he stays he will resent you.

Perhaps the only alternative is he goes up and lives with them to help during the week and comes home on the weekends or every second weekend until they die or go into full time care.

Well, this makes it easier - he's also a childish shitbag and will be a burden not a help. Let him go. You are worth so much more than he is.

Your baby infrequently seeing his DF is a much better option than your baby having a depressed, powerless, trapped and subjugated mother if you move there.

Your partner is not going to balance this out (he doesn’t / didn’t want the baby in Ireland or England - and his actions and activity as a parent and supportive partner will continue demonstrate this).

Your baby needs at least one parent firing on all cylinders - this is you now as he has already made his stance clear - don’t let him erode your baby’s access to a fully engaged parent by dragging you to down.

Don't go and don't feel guilty. This man clearly does not consider your needs and when you have a baby being near your family is going to be more important than anything else.

Tell him you are choosing to stay and he must choose for himself whether to stay or go. There's no point blaming anyone. Keep your job and family close and you will be fine.

I mean, WTAF mocking your heavily pregnant partner for falling down the stairs?!

I don't often agree with threads that say this, but this guy genuinely sounds like an abusive bully. Him leaving may be an absolute blessing in disguise.

What she said.

He sounds awful, who laughs when a pregnant woman falls down the stairs? Hope you're not in pain.

Don't move to Ireland. At least not now, on his terms. Maintain your career, high 60s is enough to live comfortably on and whatever you do it must be a pretty skilled/ senior job that you've worked up to so please don't give that up.

You're not jeopardising his career, he is talking out of his arse. He's trying to completely obliterate yours. Have you ever even expressed a serious interest in giving up your job and teaching instead?

Your number one priority has to be maintaining your financial independence so that you have the means to care for yourself and your child. DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR CAREER. Sorry for shouting, but this is really important. You are not married. You have no financial security other than that which you provide for yourself.

That aside, someone who mocks their pregnant partner after she falls down the stairs is an abusive fuckwit and not a keeper.

He can visit the baby on weekends if this is what he desperately wants. Please don't give up your career and support network. I don't know how it is in the common travel area re taking a child from Ireland to the UK but you may need his permission to travel back. Worth checking.

I’m sorry worried about the impact on the baby. What will I say and what if they are sad about it. I just can’t think about it it makes me so sad.

@Beingadiv what if he doesn’t . I can see him not doing that and just delving into work.

Have i got this right, you earn 60k a year? That is plenty to support you and baby. Do you get paid maternity leave? If I were you I would take the full leave, go back on 4 days or whatever you can afford, put baby in childcare. He will have to pay child support.

Stay where you are. This man does not love you. If he prioritises himself like this, he will do the same in Ireland and you will be alone and jobless.

You might not feel it right now but you absolutely have the strength to bring up this baby! The love and bond you will share with your baby will be nothing compared to what you shared with this man.

They won't be sad if they grow up with a happy, fulfilled mother whose got a great career and family support.

They WILL be sad growing up with a mother whose depressed, manipulated and isolated.

This is not your fault. Honestly he sounds terrible. Mocking you, gaslighting you, manipulating you....you cannot allow yourself to be dependent on this man and for gods sakes do not let the baby be born in Ireland.

You can only make the best choice for your child, which is to stay in the U.K.

I know it's an awful situation right now, but frankly this is nothing to where you could be if you re-locate with him.

Can you go and visit your family for a bit? Get some perspective and moral support away from him?

Stay, prepare yourself to be a single mum and close to friends and family for support. You told him long before baby you would never move so he knew. This man and his family have proven to be very non-supportive so you're going to feel very alone over there. He's choosing his parents over his family. His priorities are clear.

Challenging times but you have a job, a family, friends and support so you'll be fine.

If there is any impact on the baby it is his doing. And going with your partner to Ireland will not lessen the impact, it will increase it because you will be in such a shit situation. The baby will witness tension, unhappiness and probably arguments.

Stay here, where you are in control of your life and of your baby's environment. That is much better for both of you.

Plenty of children grow up with absent fathers - and do very well. The man you describe would not be a loving caring father, and certainly not to a child ‘he never even wanted’. Please don’t inflict this on your little one. It’s far more important that your baby has a relaxed and comfortable mother - don’t fret about a possible event in the future that may never happen. Concentrate on the next three months with you and baby at home here in the UK, please don’t consider for a heartbeat giving up everything for this callous man, who is giving you nothing but grief.

OP, imagine a scenario where you go to Ireland, eventually break up, and then you are unable to bring baby back to the U.K. because of her dad’s parental rights. That means the two of you, you and baby, are stuck in Ireland indefinitely- regardless of whether or not dad is an active and loving parent.

please don’t go. Of course you want your baby to have a relationship with her father, but the above risk is a real one, and in my opinion, not one worth taking if this man is as dreadful as you have described.

I am clueless about this so sorry if this is a silly question, but is it possible to move to Ireland now that we aren't part of the EU? Wouldn't you need to apply? Would you be entitled to healthcare etc? Could you work there?

....I mean, would any of this be possible within the next five weeks or would you need time to submit paperwork etc?

He isn’t just asking you to move, he is asking you to be financially dependent.

he is asking you to be financially dependent,unmarried, with no local support system, and possibly forever tied to that area once your child is established as being raised there.

if you don’t comply, he is willing to move away from his child.

it’s devastating now, but this is not a supportive partner or a good man. Let him go. You and your child will be better on your own.

This really doesn’t sound like the right move for you, especially when you’re not married and with a partner who’s trying to force you into it when you’re about to have a baby and said he doesn’t even want the baby.

And I’m someone who gave up her job, friends etc. to move across the world for her husband’s job and had a baby a few months later. The difference is: I WANTED to do it, was EXCITED and not worried about it, and my husband would have never done it if I hadn’t agreed. It all worked out well for us but it’s very hard to make a new life for yourself in a strange place if you’re not 100% into the move (never mind totally against it!)

Sorry to say, but it sounds like it may be best to leave him to it. I appreciate you may be scared of being a single mum but better that than being stuck miserable in a strange place with someone who doesn’t really seem to support you emotionally. I would have really struggled to make my new life here with a partner like that.