I can’t take anymore. Feel like I want to disappear forever

[SundaysKal]

My partner is asking me to move to Ireland to support him in his job. Im pregnant. We are not married.

He wants this job as it’s got good long term prospects and his parents live in Dublin so he will be close to them. They are not welcoming people and whilst I know them, they are not the sort of people you can call in for a chat or have a warm relationship with. They see my DP every week or so for an hour when we have gone over. My family are much more involved and proactive.

The sticking point though is that my job is based in England and I would not be able to work in Ireland doing what I do. It wouldn’t even be possible remotely. DP knows this yet expects me to join him in Ireland and he will ‘provide everything.’ I don’t want to be jobless and in a place so far from family. He also says that it’s quicker to fly back from Ireland than it is driving from where we are at the moment to see my family. It’s not the point, I can get in the car here and be with them.

He is saying he will take the job no matter what now and is putting it all on me breaking us up. He has said that I always knew he would want to be close to his parents as they got older (they are nearly 80) and that I knew this and always said I was open to the idea. I did but also made it clear in the last year that I wasn’t ok with it and couldn’t have a future there.

I don’t know what to do now. I’m having the baby in 5 weeks. I’m distraught.

AttilaTheMeerkat · Today 12:15
No do not walk into this arrangement (an arrangement that only suits him by the way) under any circumstances!. He to "provide everything" for you is a huge red flag for controlling you further. He is no longer your DP let alone a partner to you here, this relationship is really and truly over.
I would also give this child your surname and not his and would raise your child in the UK. Your job, family and support systems are here. If your family are as proactive as you say they are use their resources now and let them help you.

The above is one of the best posts here. In answer to your statements:

He is making me feel so guilty, like I am destroying his career and chance to be with his family when they are old.
He is about to destroy your career as he considers his to be much more important. He is forcing this change and breaking you up, not you, so don't feel guilty (don't let him try to put this "on you" as it isn't).

He’s saying now he never wanted the baby. I just don’t know what I am supposed to do. I’ve never stopped him having his career. I just can’t get my head around being literally in another country.
He isn't offering you marriage to give you the security you would need if you gave everything up. This is a huge red flag. He is also saying that it was only you wanting the baby and is trying to distance himself from it.

This isn't a case of what you are "supposed" to do - you must put yourself and your child first and do what suits both of you and not even consider his wishes since he hasn't considered yours.

Please reach out to your family and friends and find a place to stay while you get used to this. Your parents would be best placed to help you if they can. You can do this, you just have to accept that he is leaving you as this is what is happening in reality no matter how much he pretends it isn't (just to make him feel better about what he is doing). It is truly nasty and deliberately timed to try to force you to go with him. Without being married, please don't consider it for a second and give your child your surname and raise it in the UK.

Good luck

@SundaysKal He’s saying he never wanted the baby??? On that basis alone, never mind your due date in 5 weeks, do NOT move anywhere with this man. What a horror he is! Cruel, manipulative, weasly. He waits til NOW? He blames you for holding back his career? Nowhere does there seem a glimmer of care or compassion for you (or your job/career/family/life in general) and you unborn baby. The only place I’d move in your situation, would be nearer to family or other good support. You’ll get none from him. Ignore him and let him go - you and baby deserve SO much better.

This, absolutely.

Do Not Leave The Country.

If you stay together you'll be entirely dependent on his whims; and if you don't stay together you'll still be entirely dependent on his whims but will have to put up with everyone calling you a benefits scrounger as well (because you won't be allowed to take the child out of Ireland without his permission).

Tell him that as you have always made clear you do not intend to emigrate.

Don't put him on the birth certificate (if he thinks it's important he can go to court) and give the baby your surname.

I have no idea about CMS: are there any arrangements in place with Ireland?

Sorry I should clarify I did say I would consider Ireland in future. It was only in the last year I said I couldn’t in reality as it was just too much. I’ve also had more experience with his family since then and know for sure now that they would be zero support emotionally or otherwise. So I can’t do it.

I just can’t believe him. I feel under so much stress.

is putting it all on me breaking us up

No - this is not true. If you break up it is all, 100% all, on him.

As PP said, do not move. There is nothing in it for you. Give the baby your surname. If DP wants to stay together you can come to some arrangement about him coming back at weekends until the baby is old enough to travel those kind of distances regularly.

Don't go. He is gaslighting you with the "this was always the plan" stuff.

It was his plan, not yours, so you should not feel guilty.

Give the baby your surname, keep your job, support network and autonomy. I lost 3 years of my life by making unwise decisions which were encouraged by my ex, as soon as i had no job and a baby to look after he turned into a right nasty piece of work. Your situation sounds eerily similar.

Please dont go.

Is this the DP who is a consultant? Or am I getting my wires crossed? If so hasn’t this been a discussion for quite some time now?

Pressed post too soon! Regardless I would not be going, you are not breaking anyone up, that is on him. You need a good support network which you will not have if you move over there and I think your mental health will decline a hell of a lot! It would end in resentment and feeling trapped.

Compromise op.

Maybe offer to revisit the decision in a few years when you can retrain and need less support, but with a young baby in a country where you won't be able to work, no family or friends leaves you in an impossible position.

Say no, not for the next 4-5 years, then we will think about it.

I'm shocked that he isn't considering the baby in all this. If he goes and you stay, he'll have a very distant relationship with his child.
There's no way on earth I'd go, it would leave you very exposed, no job and no support network. It doesn't bode well that he now announces that he never wanted the baby.
I'm aghast that he puts needing this big change ahead of his baby. Its totally unnecessary.

If he leaves, he is breaking up not you. You are where you have always been, at home.

@Swayingpalmtrees i said I would reconsider in a few years. He’s not interested. He says the time is now as he’s got the job and his parents are already old.

@Acheyknees yes and I feel so hurt he doesn’t care about that. How can he not care? Who does that? It’s so awful. He would literally rarely see us if he goes.

Sorry if someone's already mentioned this but I think if you move with the baby to Ireland then want to move home with the baby if you don't like it there you would need his permission - ie if you break up you could be forced to stay in a country you don't want to be in. Your position would be unbelievably precarious. You'd be wholly dependent on someone who doesn't want a baby and isn't offering you marriage. Stay where you are!!!

This man only cares about his own self and is looking only after number 1 - him.

He is clearly not the man you thought he was.

How on earth is what he's doing any different?

One of you will not be in the same country as your family, that is unchangeable. The fact he is doing this to you at 35 weeks pregnant is unreal.

Tell him to go. I'd wager @Swayingpalmtrees is spot on and he will calm down once the brutal reality of his situation becomes clear. And if it doesn't: you will be okay. x

Please don't feel guily @SundaysKal , you've told him for the last year that you won't go so now he's trying to force your hand by waiting until your pregnant and vunerable. I imagine he thought once you were pregnant you'd have no choice, well you do, you can refuse to go if that is choice. I'd be very wary of being utterly dependant on a man who doesn't want your child especially in another country.
Don't let him guilt trip you, he had a right to accept the job but he has no right to try and foce you to go with him

Sorry, so many typos

Call his bluff. It’s his loss.

Keep calm and clear headed.

Your baby needs YOU to be happy and supported so that you can be the best mother for your baby. This is not possible with zero emotional support in a different/isolated place.

Don’t feel any guilt to your partner - feel proud that you will make the best decision for your baby’s welfare and that starts with you being fulfilled, happy, supported and encouraged.

Your partner sounds cold, dismissive, uncompromising, domineering and selfish. He will bring nothing to your new little family with these characteristics.

Does he have other children?

Whats his relationship history?

Is he older if his parents are in their 80s?

Also if he is concerned about his aging parents - it tells you where his priorities lie - with supporting them rather than his own baby. Also if they are elderly and infirm you will likely get zero emotional or practical support from them but I suspect be expected to run around after doing all their care and chores them instead of him whilst he works his important job…..don’t touch it with a barge pole

No brainer - stay put. Selfish git. You are not his support human 🙄. How dare he be so high handed. And you are not even married! A normal healthy relationship you decide these things together not one bully and bulldoze the other. It could go very wrong for you if you move and you get stuck.

I'm sorry you're in this position OP.

In your shoes it would be game over for me - even if he changed his mind about the job.

He's demonstrated he doesn't care one whit about you.

• If it's easy for you to travel to see parents in the U.K. then the reverse is true for him.

• It hollow to claim you are not supporting his career when he's happy to destroy yours.

• Making a unilateral decision like this when you are vulnerable is a big red flag. He's exploiting your situation. This is deeply concerning.

• he says he will provide for you, well that demonstrates an utter level of contempt about what your needs are. You obviously don't "need" your career/friends/family as long as he's handing out the cash - to the support the mother of a baby he doesn't now apparently want....so how long is he going to be happy to keep doing that?

Do not go to Ireland. You'll regret it forever.

All he's demonstrated is that he can't be relied upon to support you which means you're going to need your job/friends/family more than ever now.

Please please be really careful. If you have your baby in Ireland (or anywhere abroad) it could be almost impossible for you to relocate "home" again. He will have parental rights and can stop you moving with your child.

You cannot go, The baby cannot be born there.
If he stays now he will always throw it back at you
Sorry, he has to go, you can say you are sorry but you should be a priority & you are not, his needs & wants are more important than you & the baby.