I can’t take anymore. Feel like I want to disappear forever

[SundaysKal]

My partner is asking me to move to Ireland to support him in his job. Im pregnant. We are not married.

He wants this job as it’s got good long term prospects and his parents live in Dublin so he will be close to them. They are not welcoming people and whilst I know them, they are not the sort of people you can call in for a chat or have a warm relationship with. They see my DP every week or so for an hour when we have gone over. My family are much more involved and proactive.

The sticking point though is that my job is based in England and I would not be able to work in Ireland doing what I do. It wouldn’t even be possible remotely. DP knows this yet expects me to join him in Ireland and he will ‘provide everything.’ I don’t want to be jobless and in a place so far from family. He also says that it’s quicker to fly back from Ireland than it is driving from where we are at the moment to see my family. It’s not the point, I can get in the car here and be with them.

He is saying he will take the job no matter what now and is putting it all on me breaking us up. He has said that I always knew he would want to be close to his parents as they got older (they are nearly 80) and that I knew this and always said I was open to the idea. I did but also made it clear in the last year that I wasn’t ok with it and couldn’t have a future there.

I don’t know what to do now. I’m having the baby in 5 weeks. I’m distraught.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale I am worried something is wrong because he has treated me shit throughout most of the pregnancy and I’ve felt horrendously stressed with an upset tummy from it for months. That’s got to have done something bad. its not a rental. We each have our own place. He often disappears for days at a time, to his own place. He has recently done that and ignored me while there

@SunflowerGardens also worry I won’t love the baby as it will be full of him and all the pain he has caused me

He sounds abominable OP, I'm so sorry he's tightening the screws on you like this.

Basically he doesn't care about any of the things that matter to you in life, and has waited to get you over a barrel like this, to get his way.

To put it mildly, this is selfish, cruel, disrespectful behaviour. It sounds as though all your instincts are screaming at you to stay safe, which means not going with him, and I think you should trust your gut here.

He’s saying now he never wanted the baby.
Is that supposed to make you feel confident about moving to another country with him? Unbelievable.

And on top of all this, he manipulates you so that YOU're the one feeling guilty, when HE is being a monster!

The timing couldn't really be worse but one day, you'll be so glad you dumped this pitiful excuse for a human being.

Please seek some professional emotional support for yourself right now. From the outside it looks like you at best in an emotionally neglectful relationship and at worst emotionally abusive relationship.

You are also incredibly vulnerable emotionally, hormonally and physically.

You need people around you who are supporting you.

You can do this much better alone - don’t let him terrorise, gaslight or manipulate you a moment longer. You don’t have to tell him your plans - you don’t have to make any decisions - apart from seeking emotional support for yourself.

Are you still working - does your employer have an employee assistance scheme for emotional welfare?

I know it's of cold comfort now OP but you are on a good wage and own your own place which will be two less things to worry about as a single parent. Could you get your key back from him or have your locks changed?

Confide in your friends and midwife for emotional support and guidance.

@DFOD what is that scheme? I am not sure.

@DFOD @CanofCant I am on a good wage but that feels scary now. What if I lose my job. I feel sick and so alone. I have no savings for the first time ever too. Usually I have 10k but don’t at the moment.

You're not even married. You'd be crazy to give up your job, home, life and family to rely on a man who has treated you like shit since you got pregnant. You need to put yourself first for your baby's sake. Keep your home, keep your job, stay near your family.

“An Employee Assistance Programme (EAP) is a free helpline that many employers pay a specialist company to provide their employees with access to, so they can get free confidential advice on any issue causing them to be distressed or distracted”

Many employers would have something similar for emotional well-being. Worth looking at your benefits.

However I think that you need to talk directly to your midwife as they may be able to fast track you to a service.

You will be fine financially. Don’t panic about that. Emotionally is where you need to shore yourself up so that you can manage clearly and return to work confidently at the right time. Look after your MH.

If you can, I would recommend attending your next checkup without your partner and letting your care provider know what is going on. Sadly, this is a very common pattern. Not the specifics, but seemingly supportive men shifting personalities once women become pregnant. It can be fear. It can be that they finally gave you trapped. They can have different triggers, but the end result is the same. They will be able to help you set up a birthing plan that allows you to feel safe and supported. Remember that you are the patient and this is your medical event and he has no rights to your part of it. Any access you grant him is purely your discretion.

I know it doesn’t really take the sting out to know that you aren’t alone, so I’m not making this recommendation to say that. Just to point out it’s worth talking to them and they will be used to hearing these stories because they do happen all the time so there is no reason to be afraid or embarrassed.

Please, please don't go. My husband pressured me into giving up my career in favour of his then moving somewhere I knew nobody. He then left me on my own with a baby and a toddler, no job and no support network. He ditched me for an 18 year old (he was twice her age). Keep your job, stay near your family, let him go.

I don't think it would work if you did go,I think you would resent him,he doesn't sound like a nice man anyway!

He’s a shit mocking a pregnant woman who has fallen down the stairs.

I’m so sorry, he’s breaking up with you but trying to make it look like your fault. Don’t go to Ireland, that’s only going to potentially delay him breaking up with you and you’ll be in a worse and isolated position.

You can't give up your independence and support network for a man who treats you so badly. He'd feel free to be even more of an arsehole when he's got you trapped.

I am worried I won’t like the baby and I will always think of him

I loathe my abusive ex but love my DC with every fiber of my being

You will love the baby. But even in the extremely unlikely event that you didn't like the baby, how would being with this selfish, inconsiderate man help with that?

I’m so sorry that he is behaving like this, especially in your condition. I’d tell him fine, go to Ireland and you will stay out. His answer should tell you all you need to know . It’s extremely inconsiderate of him to say the least.

put* not out

You're in your 60s and having a baby??

"I keep feeling waves of guilt…he’s not exactly a loud or aggressive man. He is quite quiet and hard working. This keeps making me think that it’s me that’s caused this.

YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS.

Abusers can be quite plausible anyway and to those in the outside world, they do not fit one set "loud and aggressive" type. Pregnancy and or birth are flashpoints for abusive men to show their true colours. This was all planned by him and you're in an abusive relationship.

"It’s me that’s no good enough for him to want to stay around"

You are more than bloody good enough actually, its he who is the inadequate one here. He's has targeted your own self worth and self esteem and run those deliberately into the ground. He was always planning on going back to Ireland, keeping you barefoot and pregnant along with you being some de facto carer to his awful sounding parents as well. He is very much like them.

Your child is half your genes and a person you will likely love and want to protect with every fibre of your very being. He/she will thank you for not being raised in such an abusive and dysfunctional environment.

I think op was referring to salary here.

This will not happen. You will love your child and bring them up to be a good person whom you will also like.

In fact you are likely not to like your child when they are older if they learn from an abusive and selfish father you felt unable to break away from.

Honestly, walking away is the best thing for you and your child.

Please, please speak to a supportive friend. I'd be mortified if a friend was in your situation and felt too embarrassed to ask for help.

A good friend will not blame or judge you and they will support you not only with your separation/birth and care of your baby but also in breaking the news to your family.

You need someone in real life right now who has your back and best interests at heart.

If you can't do this then at least speak to your midwife (you should do this anyway regardless of if you confide in a friend or not).

Don't go op. Especially with a baby on the way and no way to financially support yourself. It's an awful position to be in, and he shouldn't be asking it of you if he loved and respected you

Because of the hague convention (look it up), if you go he can stop you from leaving again with the baby. Once the baby lives in Ireland he can stop the baby from ever leaving ireland. He is already being awful to you, chance is if you go and then break up, you'll be in ireland without a house or job and could have your visa revoked. Worst case scenario you legally will be forced to leave your baby in Ireland and move to the UK on your own.

For gods sake don't go. Don't even try it as a compromise. You could lose your child.

You will love your baby. Some mums need a few weeks but you will end up loving your baby 1000 times more than any man. That's just how biology works.