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Original poster

I can’t take anymore. Feel like I want to disappear forever

136 replies

SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 11:59

My partner is asking me to move to Ireland to support him in his job. Im pregnant. We are not married.

He wants this job as it’s got good long term prospects and his parents live in Dublin so he will be close to them. They are not welcoming people and whilst I know them, they are not the sort of people you can call in for a chat or have a warm relationship with. They see my DP every week or so for an hour when we have gone over. My family are much more involved and proactive.

The sticking point though is that my job is based in England and I would not be able to work in Ireland doing what I do. It wouldn’t even be possible remotely. DP knows this yet expects me to join him in Ireland and he will ‘provide everything.’ I don’t want to be jobless and in a place so far from family. He also says that it’s quicker to fly back from Ireland than it is driving from where we are at the moment to see my family. It’s not the point, I can get in the car here and be with them.

He is saying he will take the job no matter what now and is putting it all on me breaking us up. He has said that I always knew he would want to be close to his parents as they got older (they are nearly 80) and that I knew this and always said I was open to the idea. I did but also made it clear in the last year that I wasn’t ok with it and couldn’t have a future there.

I don’t know what to do now. I’m having the baby in 5 weeks. I’m distraught.

OP posts:
PearlclutchersInc · 07/06/2022 14:36

Do not go to Ireland - different country, different culture, even if they do speak English.

Stay at home where you have a job that go back to, a system you can understand and hopefully more of a personal support system than you would have in Ireland.

By the sounds of things staying in the mainland UK is the best in long run.

Spohn · 07/06/2022 14:39

Your boyfriend openly despises you, be rid of him and enjoy your life, no need to ever accept such scummy behaviour just to keep a man. He can parent the kid when he’s back, since it’s so easy to travel pack and forth. Or not. Plenty of lone parents raise kids, it’d be more traumatising to make the kid live with your shit boyfriend. Don’t allow him to continue to upset you, don’t waste your breath speaking to him. Focus on the foetus and plan for parenting.

Spohn · 07/06/2022 14:41

Can people at least read OPs updates before droning on about emigration?

radiohelen · 07/06/2022 14:48

Oh sweetheart I think you really need to look at this as short-term pain for long-term gain and get out. You're about to have a baby so you should not be put through all this upset because some bloke has decided that he's got cold feet about the whole thing. You need to get out of the relationship; you need to raise your beautiful baby; you need to live your life with your rules and find somebody who wants to share that with you.
Like others have said, do not under any circumstances leave the country before you have this baby. His parents will be of no help to you. He will be of no help to you and you need all the support you can get. What you don't need further down the line are legal complications that prevent you from being where you want to be.

AmaryIlis · 07/06/2022 14:51

SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 12:08

@mice I just don’t see how I can go to Ireland. I can’t believe he would even expect it of me. I would have to give up all my career, my friends, my family.

But you told your partner you were open to the idea. Why did those issues not get in the way when you said that?

Strawberriesaregreat · 07/06/2022 14:51

You already told him that you wouldn't go. You're already miserable at the thought of it. Stay here with the support of your family and friends. He's being unreasonable. Its hard enough with a newborn but to go to an area that you don't know well and without support will be really hard for you.

lovingtheheat · 07/06/2022 14:56

I'd be worried that his current behaviour/treatment of you is the tip of the iceberg and a precursor to what you could expect as the norm (or worse) if you moved.

You currently have options as you're employed. Imagine how difficult it would be if you lived and were reliant on him financially. He would likely be more unreasonable and domineering than he is now because he would be aware you'd lack the financial means to do anything.

He is already throwing "he didn't want" the baby at you. It's pretty disgusting and I'd be wary of him throwing that back in my face when he is "supporting you both".

I'd let him go. Ultimately he would be the one breaking the family up despite how he spins it. Regardless there wouldn't be any shame in you calling it a day either.

Mariposista · 07/06/2022 14:56

NO, just NO, OP. You need your job and your family when you have a baby. Being over there, knowing nobody, with no employment, friends and a small child is total recipe for disaster. You will end up resentful and splitting up anyway and then you will be stranded, as an unemployed single mum. Sorry that is very blunt, but that is how it will be. All the best. Sorry you landed such a horrible man.

lovingtheheat · 07/06/2022 14:56

As in let him go breaking up and you stay here.

SunflowerGardens · 07/06/2022 14:58

Sounds like he's decided he can't be arsed with having a baby and a family and he's going to leave instead. Fuck him anyway.

BestofBrain · 07/06/2022 15:01

DON'T go. DON'T do it. You will regret it more if you go than if you don't. Good luck😲

Original poster
SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 15:03

I can’t really believe it’s happening :( I am so low.

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 07/06/2022 15:06

SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 15:03

I can’t really believe it’s happening :( I am so low.

Have you anyone to talk to in real life?

Friends, family???

I really think you get away for a bit to get get your head around everything in a supportive environment without him gaslighting you further.

Original poster
SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 15:08

@BreadInCaptivity embarrassed to tell friends. Though they’d be supportive.

my family will push me to stay with him. They’re very traditional and wouldn’t actually believe some stuff he’s done. Parents and siblings all been happily married for a long time.

OP posts:
DFOD · 07/06/2022 15:09

Speak to your midwife - you need some emotional support right now. You don’t need to risk tipping into PND or pre natal depression. You should try to look forward to the birth and bonding and being supportive in the first 3 months. Don’t look any further than that at the moment. Concentrate on having a good day today and giving birth in the coming weeks.

The Ireland question can wait - it’s not relevant now. You need at least 3 - 6 months post birth to settle and you need to do it in the U.K. with all of your support.

Kick it into the long grass if it gets him off your back - tell him you will see how it goes and review it in 2023 (but seriously have zero intention of going)

BreadInCaptivity · 07/06/2022 15:12

SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 15:08

@BreadInCaptivity embarrassed to tell friends. Though they’d be supportive.

my family will push me to stay with him. They’re very traditional and wouldn’t actually believe some stuff he’s done. Parents and siblings all been happily married for a long time.

There is nothing for you to feel embarrassed about. Nothing.

Please speak to one of your friends.

TabithaTittlemouse · 07/06/2022 15:13

He doesn’t like you much does he?
Don’t bring your baby into a relationship like that. Bring your baby up here with support from your family and friends. Let him get on with it.
I’m sure his parents will be very proud of him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/06/2022 15:15

"my family will push me to stay with him. They’re very traditional and wouldn’t actually believe some stuff he’s done. Parents and siblings all been happily married for a long time".

Indeed as Bread states here, please speak to one of your friends. There is indeed also nothing for you to feel embarrassed about. Where does that sense come from?.

Why do you assume your family will push you to stay with him?. It may well be as well they would not believe some of the stuff he's done because its beyond the pale and their comprehension. Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy; time to bust this wide open now.

Threetulips · 07/06/2022 15:29

I’d concentrate on one thing at a time - first living arrangements - can you leave? Go to a friends or rent somewhere for now?
Then concentrate on the baby coming - he can take a back burner - you don’t owe him anything.

I have two friends trapped in this situation, stay out, hve the baby and work out what you want for the future because you won’t have on in Ireland

My father left when I was little, I don’t miss what I never had - a lot of children don’t see their fathers and grow up perfectly happy and healthy.

Original poster
SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 15:34

I keep feeling waves of guilt…he’s not exactly a loud or aggressive man. He is quite quiet and hard working. This keeps making me think that it’s me that’s caused this. It’s me that’s no good enough for him to want to stay around.

I keep second guessing myself entirely. I just don’t know what to do. I wish I had someone who loved me. I think it’s obvious now that he doesn’t.

OP posts:
babyjellyfish · 07/06/2022 15:38

Don't go. Keep your job, stay near your family.

If he loved you he wouldn't put you in this position.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 07/06/2022 15:42

He's been planning this. Being distant and laughing at you falling down the stairs was him testing the water to see what he could get away with.

Id be seeing a shit hot lawyer to find outhow maintenance payments work internationally.

Who owns the house? Or is it a rental? Sorry if Ive missed this.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 07/06/2022 15:43

Your baby will love you.

SunflowerGardens · 07/06/2022 15:50

SundaysKal · 07/06/2022 15:34

I keep feeling waves of guilt…he’s not exactly a loud or aggressive man. He is quite quiet and hard working. This keeps making me think that it’s me that’s caused this. It’s me that’s no good enough for him to want to stay around.

I keep second guessing myself entirely. I just don’t know what to do. I wish I had someone who loved me. I think it’s obvious now that he doesn’t.

Sounds harsh but tbh once your babies are born, men can be kicked into the long grass. Once your baby comes into the world your priorities will upturn themselves and you will care a LOT less about this man.

Fairislefandango · 07/06/2022 15:55

He’s saying he never wanted the baby

Oh OP. You mustn't give in and move to Ireland. I know it hurts, but this man is showing you his true colours in a variety of ways. He doesn't give a shit about your career or where you want to live or your feelings or even his own baby. He mocked his pregnant partner when she fell down the stairs ffs Shock He has already started to be nasty to you. How much worse will that be once you are isolated from your friends and family and he has you stuck at home with no job and a baby (which he doesn't want) to keep you tied down. It would be a disaster. Don't be embarrassed - you've got nothing to be embarrassed about!

He's got it all worked out, hasn't he? Win win for him. He either gets to swan off to Ireland as a single man with no baby to be responsible for, or he gets to drag you along and force you to be a SAHM so he can focus on his new job, hang out with his family and still let you be responsible for the baby.

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