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Original poster

Partner won’t get a vasectomy

143 replies

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 07:29

Hi all please could you tell me your thoughts on this please? So me and my partner have been together for 4 years , I have 2 children from a previous relationship and he has 3 children from 2 previous relationships so together we had 5! I said I was happy with 2 and would never have anymore .. anyway he always said little jokes like oh you will .. we will have a baby together one day it’s what he wanted and hoped for us. So being so in love I then came round to the idea and thought it would be so lovely to have our own child and complete our family. I said to him in a light hearted way ok if we did then I’d like you to have a vasectomy, he said yes and was very nice about it. We had our daughter in 2020 and I’m so happy. A few months after we had her I started hinting about the vasectomy and he was like yeah yeah I will. A year after she was born I started getting a little irritated over it and brought it up again then he got very snappy and said I’m forcing him to do it and he doesn’t want to. I explained how I felt over the situation and he seems like he did not care so I left it for a while feeling like am In the wrong ? I’m not on any birth control and I feel like iv done my part I don’t want to have to have a coil put in me anymore … I don’t want to take pills everyday of my life. We do the pull out method it’s worked so far for us but I don’t like the idea. It’s been 2 years now and I brought it up last night he said his scared to do it and I was saying it’s ok to be scared I think iv been nice to him about it to be honest and he storms off sleeps on the sofa and says I’m a really nasty person because the way I talk apparently is all disappointed??!!!

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 02/06/2022 07:32

He doesn’t want a vasectomy, and that’s ok. You need to think about yourself and being able to look after and afford any children you might have in the future.

TibetanTerrah · 02/06/2022 07:33

He's changed his mind, or lied to you to get what he wanted, whichever spin you want to put on it.

I won't even go there with the fact he's got 6 kids by 3 different women now.

Tell him it's condoms or no sex. The last thing you want is another child with this loser.

BruceAndNosh · 02/06/2022 07:34

If the pull out method fails, what would YOU do?
And what would HE want you to do?

(spoiler alert - it's highly likely to fail)

BruceAndNosh · 02/06/2022 07:35

Why pull out rather than condoms?
(I think I know the answer to this one)

GrazingSheep · 02/06/2022 07:36

Why are condoms not an option?

MolliciousIntent · 02/06/2022 07:36

Why should he have to have a vasectomy if he doesn't want one? You have absolutely no right to dictate what medical procedures he undergoes.

YOU are responsible for what happens to YOUR body. If you don't want a baby and don't want to take contraception, then don't have sex.

Jeansgoals · 02/06/2022 07:36

PULL OUT METHOD???!!!! Fuck that.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 02/06/2022 07:36

He needs to be wearing condoms. No exceptions. Also you need to be tracking your ovulation. No sex when you're fertile.

Original poster
Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 07:38

I said this last night that if his scared then ok. I said it’s scary having a baby .. so say the pull out method fails then I’m the one once again that deals with the out come

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 02/06/2022 07:38

MolliciousIntent · 02/06/2022 07:36

Why should he have to have a vasectomy if he doesn't want one? You have absolutely no right to dictate what medical procedures he undergoes.

YOU are responsible for what happens to YOUR body. If you don't want a baby and don't want to take contraception, then don't have sex.

Well, SHE said she didnt want anymore children, which is a lot more of a medical procedure than the vasectomy that HE agreed to.

LizzieSiddal · 02/06/2022 07:39

I’d be so upset if my partner had done this. You had his child, which you were hesitant about, and now he’s changed his mind about the promise he made to you.

I’d tell him it’s either condoms or no sex as you’ve done your bit!

Sunflowergirl1 · 02/06/2022 07:40

My DH decided not to get one after a friend of his, and another associate at work both had them and had significant problems with extended time off work. After hearing their issues I could understand his reluctance. 10-15% of men have issues after a vasectomy so it isn't quite the risk free simple procedure some see it as. In the end it is an operation with risk of infection etc.....

But I agree that no contraception isn't on. Condoms which yes I hated but limited choice.
I have stuck with a Mirena which I find great and no periods

Original poster
Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 07:40

I said I would get my tubes done if he doesn’t want to have it done and he said to me I shouldn’t have to do that and that I’m trying to make him feel guilty. I was being serious I’d rather just do it myself it’s not about making him feel guilty

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 02/06/2022 07:43

YANBU to wish he had stuck to the agreement but since you can't force him you are left with a few options
continue to use the 'there will be another baby in the end' method and carry on popping out babies, use contraception yourself, refuse to have sex with him, refuse to have sex unless he wears a condom or get sterilised.

Shoxfordian · 02/06/2022 07:43

Why don’t you use condoms? It’s you that will have to either have an abortion or a baby when your current method fails

itsgettingweird · 02/06/2022 07:45

Your both to blame here.

Your refusing a coil or pills. He's refusing a vasectomy.

You can't say someone else to has to do something to their body if you're refusing to take responsibility for yours.

The same way if the pull out method fails (highly likely) it's your body and your choice whether to continue with the relationship.

You need a proper chat. Minimum you should be using condoms or refuse sex.

MissNothing1991 · 02/06/2022 07:45

Pull out method? It's not even a method, it's a disaster waiting to happen and something a teenager too embarrassed to buy condoms would indulge in.

It is BOTH your responsibilities to have safe sex if you want no further children, currently neither of you are being responsible.

Lastly, it is a medical procedure that affects his future. If you were to split and he wanted more children, a reversal may not work. I can't see where you feel you can force him...

A coil is hardly a big deal, once in you don't have to worry about it for 5 or 10 years. You can get a copper non hormonal one ffs. Failing that look into being sterilised yourself if it means that much to you. You can't force someone else to, and you can't be that concerned about more kids when you use no birth control

IncompleteSenten · 02/06/2022 07:45

Sorry. Ignore the yanbu 🤦
I've just been browsing that section and forgot I'd come off it into active convos.
You're still not being unreasonable to be pissed off though 😁

itsgettingweird · 02/06/2022 07:46

Continue with the pregnancy that should say.

daretodenim · 02/06/2022 07:46

You're right to feel betrayed about this.

But because of the very serious ramifications for you, your body, your life and your future, you need to put the feelings of betrayal to the side and be practical.

The pull out method is basically relying on luck. So, the questions you need to answer (to yourself) and then act on immediately are:

  1. when you get pregnant from this method not working, are you comfortable having another child?
  2. when you get pregnant from this method, are you comfortable having an abortion?
  3. are you happy to keep up with the risks of getting pregnant from the pull out method?
  4. is he refusing to wear a condom? Are you refusing for him to wear one? Can this be overcome?
  5. are you willing to continue having sex with him under these circumstances?
  6. what happens if you say no to sex with him? Whatever his response, is that acceptable for you?

You're in an unenviable situation. While he's got every right to self-determination over his body and not have the minor procedure he agreed to, you have right to control over yours and right now you've handed it over to him and what suits his sexual needs.

Original poster
Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 07:49

daretodenim
thank you
I just don’t even know how to approach him now his currently down stairs on the sofa

OP posts:
mycatallowsmetolivehere · 02/06/2022 07:49

Get yourself sterilised
Yes it is a bigger deal than for the man but in and out in half day , couple of hrs recovery
Done and dusted

He doesn't sound great to be honest

JugglingJanuary · 02/06/2022 07:52

I can see both points of view, but I'd be feeling very betrayed after him having agreed to it previously. But I can absolutely see why he doesn't want an operation in his tackle. Though I also wonder that with 4 kids, by 3 women, he's not coo no evinced you'll be his long term partner & wants the ability to have a baby with future partners - Sorry, I don't mean to upset you, but it would definitely be something I'd think in your shoes.

However, you can't make him do it, so how you handle the sex/contraception situation is up to you.

NO sex - that might make him change his mind (obviously that affects you too, but he'll likely cave first!

Sex with condoms EVERY time

You relent on coil/pill/other

you get your tubes tied - much more invasive & life changing.

I think if I REALLY didn't want another baby I'd go back on the pill & make him use condoms.

best wishes for sorting it out.

Original poster
Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 07:53

Thank you ..I think I will and I can understand people saying it’s his body ect and that I shouldn’t force him , well I’m been very polite to him about it .. I feel kind of tricked he was so nice to me about it before we had the baby now all of a sudden I’m a horrible person. If he had never said yes before we had a baby then I wouldn’t be expecting him to do it would I.

OP posts:
Beachsidesunset · 02/06/2022 07:55

He's not a keeper, I'm sorry.