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Original poster

Partner won’t get a vasectomy

143 replies

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 07:29

Hi all please could you tell me your thoughts on this please? So me and my partner have been together for 4 years , I have 2 children from a previous relationship and he has 3 children from 2 previous relationships so together we had 5! I said I was happy with 2 and would never have anymore .. anyway he always said little jokes like oh you will .. we will have a baby together one day it’s what he wanted and hoped for us. So being so in love I then came round to the idea and thought it would be so lovely to have our own child and complete our family. I said to him in a light hearted way ok if we did then I’d like you to have a vasectomy, he said yes and was very nice about it. We had our daughter in 2020 and I’m so happy. A few months after we had her I started hinting about the vasectomy and he was like yeah yeah I will. A year after she was born I started getting a little irritated over it and brought it up again then he got very snappy and said I’m forcing him to do it and he doesn’t want to. I explained how I felt over the situation and he seems like he did not care so I left it for a while feeling like am In the wrong ? I’m not on any birth control and I feel like iv done my part I don’t want to have to have a coil put in me anymore … I don’t want to take pills everyday of my life. We do the pull out method it’s worked so far for us but I don’t like the idea. It’s been 2 years now and I brought it up last night he said his scared to do it and I was saying it’s ok to be scared I think iv been nice to him about it to be honest and he storms off sleeps on the sofa and says I’m a really nasty person because the way I talk apparently is all disappointed??!!!

OP posts:
IWishIWasABaller · 02/06/2022 08:19

Guess it's condoms or abstainece for him so op ! I'm sure he will come round to the idea fairly quickly then either that or he will get you pregnant again soon and off his back for a while. Sounds like he is one of those men that associates his fertility with his manliness 🙄

toogoodforthisworld · 02/06/2022 08:20

I got myself sterilized via Adriana method but apparently they've stopped doing it. My ex wouldn't get a vasectomy either. Selfish and scared.

Original poster
Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 08:21

@SquishyGloopyBum Sorry I did …iv just never really used them after having children was just the coil. Ok this sounds mad but I will be honest .. I feel like if he is to use condoms with me will it not be as good will he lose the interest in our sex as it’s not good enough

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 08:27

@IncompleteSenten yes we have 6 children together I have 2 from a previous relationship and he has 3 from 2 different women before me. We share a daughter so he has 4 of his own. My ex doesn’t see my 2 children he still supports financially so they are with us full time so it is like his 2 my 2 children on his a good dad but likes to be praised on taking on mine.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 02/06/2022 08:29

but likes to be praised on taking on mine.

Does he?
Do your children like him?

Original poster
Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 08:30

@GrazingSheep yes they like him

OP posts:
MuchoMistrust · 02/06/2022 08:34

GrazingSheep · 02/06/2022 08:29

but likes to be praised on taking on mine.

Does he?
Do your children like him?

This guy is an absolute peach

And he won't use condoms. You really struck gold with this one OP.

SquishyGloopyBum · 02/06/2022 08:35

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 08:21

@SquishyGloopyBum Sorry I did …iv just never really used them after having children was just the coil. Ok this sounds mad but I will be honest .. I feel like if he is to use condoms with me will it not be as good will he lose the interest in our sex as it’s not good enough

But that's why you should. You don't want any more children. Maybe using them will focus his mind. At the moment he doesn't need to get the snip as he's still getting sex.

It's worrying you have such low self esteem that's what you worry about though. Are you worried about him leaving you? Your relationship isn't that strong if condoms use would drive him away.....

HowManyDaysReally · 02/06/2022 08:37

I know loads of people have said it but - CONDOMS. Every. Single. Time.

He might not like it .. but it doesn't sound like you like the thought of having loads of children either.

He has to take some responsibility. If he isn't having a vasectomy then he needs to be willing to use condoms.

Soontobe60 · 02/06/2022 08:40

Between you you have 6 children, are having unprotected sex, and arguing about who should use birth control.
You are responsible for what happens to your own body. If you don’t want another baby, protect yourself or stop having sex.

GrazingSheep · 02/06/2022 08:44

So you think he only is interested in you if he can have sex without condoms?
What would happen if you told him no condom no sex? Would that be a deal breaker for him?

autienotnaughty · 02/06/2022 08:44

You can't pressure someone to have a medical procedure. Regardless of what he said before. But you can choose what you want to do, I'm in a similar situation in that I don't want anymore children nor do I want any more hormones being added so we use condoms. I would like my dh to get a vasectomy but ultimately it's his choice, I don't want my tubes tied either so yes condoms.

Doublechocolatetiffin · 02/06/2022 09:22

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 08:21

@SquishyGloopyBum Sorry I did …iv just never really used them after having children was just the coil. Ok this sounds mad but I will be honest .. I feel like if he is to use condoms with me will it not be as good will he lose the interest in our sex as it’s not good enough

If you don't want hormonal contraception (which is a completely fair and valid choice) and he doesn't want a vasectomy (imo less fair and valid given he'd agreed to it) then you only have condoms left as an option. If you don't want another child then you need to use them. If he loses interest in sex then so be it, it's his choice.

MinnieMountain · 02/06/2022 09:23

So? They’d have a point.
My DH agreed he’d have a vasectomy under certain circumstances. They happened and he stuck to it.

Fireflygal · 02/06/2022 09:37

How old are you?

Please do what is right for you and don't rely on this man for contraception. As a mother to your 3 children you need to ensure you have the time and energy to look after them. An unwanted pregnancy would really impact you.

Do you fear condoms will mean he will not enjoy sex so will seek it elsewhere?

Original poster
Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 09:47

@Fireflygal I’m 33 years old I’m happy with 3 and I love his 3 . I love our crazy big family but I 100% don’t won’t anymore … I made this clear when I asked about the snip before we had our daughter..so I guess if his not going to stick to what he said in the start then it will be condoms. I don’t think he would cheat on me no but you know what men are like his friends send him vile sex videos I just don’t want him to it’s a bore and his not satisfied as sad as that sounds that’s how I feel about it

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 02/06/2022 09:59

OP use condoms, if he decides that’s not good enough and goes elsewhere then he isn’t and wasn’t ever good enough to be in your children’s lives.

Fireflygal · 02/06/2022 10:13

Take control of your life and fertility. It will be you who has to make a decision on pregnancy or termination. He isn't thinking of you or the consequences for the family so you will have to make the decision you know is right.

If your dd is 2 then you must have got pregnant early on in the relationship when in the honeymoon phase so he's likely to have changed his mind.

You can't make him have a vasectomy so will need to take charge and don't risk a pregnancy.

Shoxfordian · 02/06/2022 10:22

Sending sex videos isn’t just what men are like 🙄

toastfairy · 02/06/2022 10:24

DH has kids with me, no-one else and I have absolute confidence that does not not now and never will want to have kids with another woman but he still pulled THE EXACT SAME SHIT. He was going to get a vasectomy after the baby was born until he looked into it enough to just go "naah, I don't fancy the look of that"

I felt betrayed, for sure but the way I see it it's just pulling male privilege. Is it invasive, sure, and is it his 'right' to opt out of having a medical procedure sure. But any sterilisation for me was much more invasive and much higher risk.

It was an asshole move from an otherwise awesome guy though. OP needs to weigh the good vs. the bad, compared with her other options etc.

Proper contraception though please you must protect yourself. If you can't rely on him to use condoms then you can't rely on him full stop and must plan accordingly.

Deadringer · 02/06/2022 10:28

He lies and doesn't keep his promises? You don't think he would cheat on you? You are afraid he will lose interest if you use condoms as sex might not be as good for him? His friends send him vile videos, which presumably he watches, and more than likely reciprocates? Wow. He is a bit of a shitbag isn't he?

Highlyquestionablehoumous · 02/06/2022 10:37

So he won't use condoms then? Fuck. That.

My DH keeps saying he will get a vasectomy when I don't think he really has any intention of doing so. But we use condoms and I am adamant about that, as I have made it clear that I'm not having any more hormonal contraception (I have been told I can't for medical reasons anyway) There is absolutely no way anything would be going in unsheathed now and my DH will try and make the odd noise about it but he knows the score.

The pull out method is notoriously crap and doesn't work, why would you rely on that? The snip, condoms or nothing.

MaChienEstUnDick · 02/06/2022 10:50

Can you tell me why it feels so important to you that he doesn't lose interest in your sex life? Has he sought sex elsewhere in other relationships? Does he look at other women online? Do you believe you need to behave a certain way to 'keep' a man?

Don't get me wrong, sex is very important in my relationship but actually we rarely have PIV sex since I became peri-menopausal. There's plenty other things to do.

GrazingSheep · 02/06/2022 10:52

Do you work? What’s your situation regarding housing and finances?

yikesanotherbooboo · 02/06/2022 10:54

OP he has let you down and let's face it, hasn't got the best track record.You shouldn't feel grateful to him for sticking around or having sex with you.It is his choice not to have a vasectomy but he shouldn't have told you he would. If you don't want more children you need to use contraception.It is unlikely that you will get a sterilisation on the NHS as coils and mirenas ( and implants) are as effective as female sterilisation without the risks.Go back to coils and in the meantime use condoms.You need to put yourself and your DC first and having another baby that you are not planning for is not that.Your DP no doubt ,has good points , but this thread is not painting a good picture of him as an unselfish father and partner.You, at least ,need to be that person.