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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner won’t get a vasectomy

143 replies

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 07:29

Hi all please could you tell me your thoughts on this please? So me and my partner have been together for 4 years , I have 2 children from a previous relationship and he has 3 children from 2 previous relationships so together we had 5! I said I was happy with 2 and would never have anymore .. anyway he always said little jokes like oh you will .. we will have a baby together one day it’s what he wanted and hoped for us. So being so in love I then came round to the idea and thought it would be so lovely to have our own child and complete our family. I said to him in a light hearted way ok if we did then I’d like you to have a vasectomy, he said yes and was very nice about it. We had our daughter in 2020 and I’m so happy. A few months after we had her I started hinting about the vasectomy and he was like yeah yeah I will. A year after she was born I started getting a little irritated over it and brought it up again then he got very snappy and said I’m forcing him to do it and he doesn’t want to. I explained how I felt over the situation and he seems like he did not care so I left it for a while feeling like am In the wrong ? I’m not on any birth control and I feel like iv done my part I don’t want to have to have a coil put in me anymore … I don’t want to take pills everyday of my life. We do the pull out method it’s worked so far for us but I don’t like the idea. It’s been 2 years now and I brought it up last night he said his scared to do it and I was saying it’s ok to be scared I think iv been nice to him about it to be honest and he storms off sleeps on the sofa and says I’m a really nasty person because the way I talk apparently is all disappointed??!!!

OP posts:

Overthewine · 02/06/2022 07:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 07:59

We have 6 kids together now that’s why it was a big deal to me and that’s why I asks first before we had a baby and he was more then happy to say yes

OP posts:

GrazingSheep · 02/06/2022 08:02

Do you want to stay with him?

Original poster

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 08:02

Overthwine- I think so 😳weekends are busy!

OP posts:

GrazingSheep · 02/06/2022 08:03

Does he support his other children and their mothers?

Original poster

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 08:03

@GrazingSheep yes but he does tend to lie

OP posts:

SquishyGloopyBum · 02/06/2022 08:04

Why not use condoms op?

Original poster

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 08:04

@GrazingSheep yes he supports his other children and he is a really good dad

OP posts:

Herejustforthisone · 02/06/2022 08:04

He’s a liar, isn’t he? A weak, selfish liar.

Use condoms or abstain. If you get the old ‘bit I can’t feel anything through a condom’ bullshit, tell him to fuck off.

IncompleteSenten · 02/06/2022 08:04

PP raises a very good point
This is a man who likes to leave women with a reminder. He obviously doesn't want to give up his fertility. Combine that with the things he said to you in the beginning about having a baby and it is clear that he never intended to keep his word - although you had absolutely no way of knowing that at the time. This is all on him!

Keep in mind he may leave you holding the baby too.

Plan accordingly. How he treats the mothers of his other children will be how he treats you. Is he involved in his children's lives? Does he financially support his children? If not you should remember that he won't be any different with you and you should ensure you are not financially dependent on him.

Hopefully it will be third time lucky and you will happily grow old together. But hope for the best, plan for the worst never lets you down.

IncompleteSenten · 02/06/2022 08:05

X post. That's good at least.

Original poster

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 08:06

@Herejustforthisone 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 08:08

@IncompleteSenten Im a little worried is it because he didn’t want to give up his fertility

OP posts:

Doublechocolatetiffin · 02/06/2022 08:09

You have to take steps to protect yourself here. Sex with condoms or no sex at all. I completely understand not wanting to take hormonal contraception, I didn't either. But that meant we used condoms to stop unwanted pregnancy. Pull out method is madness. He doesn't sound great to be fair.

MinnieMountain · 02/06/2022 08:11

So he doesn’t want a vasectomy now but neither does he want you to have your tubes tied? Bugger that- have the operation OP.

Wickywickyyow · 02/06/2022 08:11

I won't even go there with the fact he's got 6 kids by 3 different women now.

He has 4?

IncompleteSenten · 02/06/2022 08:12

It most certainly is because of that.
Whether that's because he feels that reduces him in some way (some men feel very strongly about their fertility) or because he doesn't feel certain he will never want to have another baby or because he is scared of side effects only he knows but it's not something you're going to just stop wondering about.

You need to talk to him about it. He needs to be honest with you.

Original poster

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 08:14

@Doublechocolatetiffin I feel lied to we now have 6kids between us … I made it clear before we had a baby that if I did he would do his part and have the snip he was more then happy to agree and was even nice about it now I’m a horrible nasty person he actually said last night I’m nasty the way I’m trying to act disappointed. I said wow iv been nothing but polite about it a nasty women would be calling him a wimp and a lier

OP posts:

TibetanTerrah · 02/06/2022 08:14

mycatallowsmetolivehere · 02/06/2022 07:49

Get yourself sterilised
Yes it is a bigger deal than for the man but in and out in half day , couple of hrs recovery
Done and dusted

He doesn't sound great to be honest

It varies by trust, mine won't do sterilisation on the NHS but will do vasectomies.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/06/2022 08:15

You need to focus on doing the best thing for yourself. For me that would be no sex without one of you being sterilised.

It would also mean I would work full time and I would expect him to be very involved in the care of our mutual child. You say he is a very good dad but do you mean in a Disney dad sense or in a he knows the names of all his DCs teachers and friends and I’d an equal participant in feeding them, bedtime, cleaning up after them and all child associated jobs. I suspect it’s the former and so he doesn’t have a problem with more DC as he doesn’t really care for them.

Another reason to focus on yourself - he has badly let you down and is throwing a tantrum about it. Have a plan B in place including savings in your own name and a good job.

RandomMess · 02/06/2022 08:15

I would take sex if the table and explain you are terrified of having an abortion. It's a medical procedure that carries both physical, mental and emotional risk.

TibetanTerrah · 02/06/2022 08:16

Wickywickyyow · 02/06/2022 08:11

I won't even go there with the fact he's got 6 kids by 3 different women now.

He has 4?

Sorry, I hadn't had coffee when I wrote my reply!

Original poster

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 08:16

@MinnieMountain I think he would happily have me do my tubes my guess is he won’t want me to because if I tell people I’m having it done they would probably think erm why’s he not having the snip instead

OP posts:

IncompleteSenten · 02/06/2022 08:17

He's not got six kids by 3 women because that implies he is the biological father of all

He's got 4 biological children by 3 women plus he is stepdad to the 2 children the OP has.

Which is another thing to think about, op. Did the other women have other children before getting into a relationship with him? If so, how did he treat those children during the relationship and afterwards?

SquishyGloopyBum · 02/06/2022 08:17

Is there a reason why you are avoiding answering about using condoms?

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