Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner won’t get a vasectomy

143 replies

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 07:29

Hi all please could you tell me your thoughts on this please? So me and my partner have been together for 4 years , I have 2 children from a previous relationship and he has 3 children from 2 previous relationships so together we had 5! I said I was happy with 2 and would never have anymore .. anyway he always said little jokes like oh you will .. we will have a baby together one day it’s what he wanted and hoped for us. So being so in love I then came round to the idea and thought it would be so lovely to have our own child and complete our family. I said to him in a light hearted way ok if we did then I’d like you to have a vasectomy, he said yes and was very nice about it. We had our daughter in 2020 and I’m so happy. A few months after we had her I started hinting about the vasectomy and he was like yeah yeah I will. A year after she was born I started getting a little irritated over it and brought it up again then he got very snappy and said I’m forcing him to do it and he doesn’t want to. I explained how I felt over the situation and he seems like he did not care so I left it for a while feeling like am In the wrong ? I’m not on any birth control and I feel like iv done my part I don’t want to have to have a coil put in me anymore … I don’t want to take pills everyday of my life. We do the pull out method it’s worked so far for us but I don’t like the idea. It’s been 2 years now and I brought it up last night he said his scared to do it and I was saying it’s ok to be scared I think iv been nice to him about it to be honest and he storms off sleeps on the sofa and says I’m a really nasty person because the way I talk apparently is all disappointed??!!!

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 02/06/2022 13:40

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 13:25

UPDATE
HIs just told me he will do it but he wants to be put to sleep does anyone know if they let you be put to sleep for it ?

Tell him about this wonderful new invention called Google. He might behave like a child but he's a grown man with presumably fully formed fingers and something resembling a brain that he can look up everything he needs to know himself.

gamerchick · 02/06/2022 13:44

Um, while you're both working through it, you need to use condoms. Withdrawal is for of you're not arsed about getting pregnant.

Pinkbonbon · 02/06/2022 14:09

Op seriously, do yourself a favour and get away from him. He calls you a horrible human being and he holds responsibility over you for another man flirting with you. Do you not realise that if he does get a vasectomy, he will hold that against you forever too?

And here you are too frightened to even use condoms incase he loses interest in you.

You already know he is a piece of shit who is on capable of loving himself.

Please ask yourself- why do I think someone like this is all I'm worth?

Because it isn't.

Pinkbonbon · 02/06/2022 14:11

*only capable

Thesearmsofmine · 02/06/2022 14:15

OP raise your standards get rid or at least stop having sex with him because if you continue having unprotected sex then in a few months you will be posting again with your next pregnancy.

Pinkbonbon · 02/06/2022 14:17

Also op, loving yourself and respecting your body should come before any man. And how can HE claim to love you and respect you if he would put you at risk of having to have an abortion, just for his own pleasure? No one who loves you would do that.

Who cares if he has tentatively agreed now!
Even if he actually goes through with it, it'll just be another thing you'll never hear the end of. Oh what a great lad he is all together and poor him having such a mean wife who made him, boohoo.

Seriously op. Ding dong ditch the bellend.

DPotter · 02/06/2022 16:17

Even privately vasectomies are done under local, so I doubt the NHS will pay for a GA.

I can only encourage you to use condoms or a contraceptive cap which is under your control - they are free on the NHS and although not as good as condoms, they are a darn sight better than pulling out, which is basically what we used to called Vatican roulette in my younger days

cdba88 · 02/06/2022 16:55

He sounds like an absolute trash bag and you sound like you have incredibly low standards.

Not all men are like this

GrazingSheep · 02/06/2022 17:08

my son picked up my partners phone to check the parking and my son was laughing said that my partner had a just sent his friend a text saying oh I’m at the beach watching boobies !

How old is your son? And do you think this is ok?

wellhelloitsme · 02/06/2022 17:13

I don’t think he would cheat on me no but you know what men are like his friends send him vile sex videos I just don’t want him to it’s a bore and his not satisfied as sad as that sounds that’s how I feel about it

If they're sending him vile sex videos you feel you should live up to somehow, does that mean you're doing lube-less anal and choked and slapped etc? Because that's what they'll be sending him.

And you know what blokes send and receive messages like that?

Absolute cunts who, on some level at least, don't respect women and are misogynists.

If you think your relationship depends on the sensation of him wearing a condom vs not wearing a condom then this isn't a healthy relationship by any measure.

wellhelloitsme · 02/06/2022 17:15

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 11:42

@IncompleteSenten I feel most men are yes If this was the other way around though and my friends was to send me videos of men he would 100% have a problem his very jealous but acts as though his not. I once said about the videos and he said agh they just send them around im not going to say please don’t send me the videos because I’m guessing he wouldn’t look like a man doing that bit pathetic I know

So he has double standards and is a misogynist and a coward? Bleurgh. OP you've got bigger problems than whether or not he gets a vasectomy immediately. I don't know how women can have sex with a man like him.

wellhelloitsme · 02/06/2022 17:16

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 12:24

It seems to be that way there was a lot of red flags when we first got together but you try to ignore them when your all loved up it comes back later !

Well when they come back, they're still red flags.

You don't have to stay with a horrible man indefinitely just because you ignored the red flags originally.

He sounds like a rubbish 'partner' and a shit role model to the kids involved.

Unanananana · 02/06/2022 17:34

wellhelloitsme · 02/06/2022 17:15

So he has double standards and is a misogynist and a coward? Bleurgh. OP you've got bigger problems than whether or not he gets a vasectomy immediately. I don't know how women can have sex with a man like him.

Show quote history

This. Why would you WANT to have sex with this disgusting specimen?

I think you need to raise your bar and stop having any unprotected sex with that thing. Pulling out is not a 'method'. Its trying for a baby. You should know how biology works, both of you.

cottagegardenflower · 02/06/2022 17:34

In your situation I would find another pregnancy a very bad thing and would have my tubes tied. I have had this done, it's no big deal, but i would really resent him. It's not about making him feeling guilty it's about sensible birth control. Ultimately he may be genuinely afraid of the operation but he needs to be using codoms. At the moment there is no consequence for him if it goes wrong, and he still gets to enjoy sex.

Nanny0gg · 02/06/2022 17:51

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 11:42

@IncompleteSenten I feel most men are yes If this was the other way around though and my friends was to send me videos of men he would 100% have a problem his very jealous but acts as though his not. I once said about the videos and he said agh they just send them around im not going to say please don’t send me the videos because I’m guessing he wouldn’t look like a man doing that bit pathetic I know

You mix with the wrong men.

Decent men don't do that

Nanny0gg · 02/06/2022 17:53

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 12:16

It’s not nice but it’s like I’m being stupid I just get on with that face now but we went to the beach a few weeks ago he was playing with my daughter and my son picked up my partners phone to check the parking and my son was laughing said that my partner had a just sent his friend a text saying oh I’m at the beach watching boobies !

He's revolting

Herejustforthisone · 02/06/2022 21:59

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 13:25

UPDATE
HIs just told me he will do it but he wants to be put to sleep does anyone know if they let you be put to sleep for it ?

The more about this man I learn, the more disgusting and pathetic he appears.

MaraScottie · 08/03/2023 23:27

My DH had a vasectomy this morning. I picked him up from the bus but he worked the rest of the day, made dinner, brought my daughter to piano and is only in very very mild discomfort. It was a breeze and he felt no pain.

Your DH is a knob and a wuss and needs to grow up.

I'd love to hear if he got the procedure in the end?

CheekyHobson · 08/03/2023 23:39

yes but he does tend to lie

Lies, attacks you verbally when he’s called out politely for not living up to his word, sleazes on other women… I’d stop bothering trying to get him to have a vasectomy, get sterilized for your own peace of mind, and focus your energy on becoming financially independent so you can leave this dumpster fire.

Aussiegirl123456 · 09/03/2023 01:24

Oh dear. I feel for you, OP, I really do.

Goodread1 · 09/03/2023 02:29

He doesn't like idea of vesocomentry , it's
Ok to feel like this, it's his body choice got body Agency,

As a couple need to find a effective suitable compromise on birth control that is right for both of you, at whatever stage in life you are,

Original poster
Strawberrylatte · 09/03/2023 09:25

@MaraScottie He still hasn’t had it done and we haven’t spoken about it in a while. It’s still getting to me because I really should be protected and that’s on me now.

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 09/03/2023 09:30

I can't believe you're still with this absolute bellend.

Bookworm20 · 09/03/2023 09:30

No OP they don't put you to sleep for a vasectomy. Its approx a 15 minute procedure under local.
he knows this very well.

So he has only agreed to it if he has a general, which he knows won't happen in a million years. Is this his way of now being able to say to you that he is agreeing to it - even though he knows he won't have to have it done now because his GA proviso cannot be met?

Oh and as for ther videos. He can totally tell his mates to stop sending them,. the reason he doesn't is because he wants to receive them. My DP had mates like that, would receive random shit from them and before we were together, just ignored it. But once in a realtionship he told his mates to stop sending shit like that over to him as he isn't interested and found it disrespectful to me. They stopped, no fuss. They are still mates. Its hardly difficult!

Naunet · 09/03/2023 09:43

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 08:21

@SquishyGloopyBum Sorry I did …iv just never really used them after having children was just the coil. Ok this sounds mad but I will be honest .. I feel like if he is to use condoms with me will it not be as good will he lose the interest in our sex as it’s not good enough

Oh OP, this is madness. If he’s such a prick that you’d be worried he’d go off with someone else just because he had to wear a condom so that you don’t have to go through another pregnancy or an abortion, then he’s not a keeper anyway, he’d be a very selfish, shallow, pathetic man to do such a thing. You must feel fairly insecure in the relationship to think this?

Stop taking a risk with your body just to please him, insist on condoms, tell him you’re not taking the chance just so that his orgasm is slightly better when he’s been so selfish, and then go and talk to your GP and see if getting sterilised is an option.