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Original poster

Partner won’t get a vasectomy

143 replies

Strawberrylatte · 02/06/2022 07:29

Hi all please could you tell me your thoughts on this please? So me and my partner have been together for 4 years , I have 2 children from a previous relationship and he has 3 children from 2 previous relationships so together we had 5! I said I was happy with 2 and would never have anymore .. anyway he always said little jokes like oh you will .. we will have a baby together one day it’s what he wanted and hoped for us. So being so in love I then came round to the idea and thought it would be so lovely to have our own child and complete our family. I said to him in a light hearted way ok if we did then I’d like you to have a vasectomy, he said yes and was very nice about it. We had our daughter in 2020 and I’m so happy. A few months after we had her I started hinting about the vasectomy and he was like yeah yeah I will. A year after she was born I started getting a little irritated over it and brought it up again then he got very snappy and said I’m forcing him to do it and he doesn’t want to. I explained how I felt over the situation and he seems like he did not care so I left it for a while feeling like am In the wrong ? I’m not on any birth control and I feel like iv done my part I don’t want to have to have a coil put in me anymore … I don’t want to take pills everyday of my life. We do the pull out method it’s worked so far for us but I don’t like the idea. It’s been 2 years now and I brought it up last night he said his scared to do it and I was saying it’s ok to be scared I think iv been nice to him about it to be honest and he storms off sleeps on the sofa and says I’m a really nasty person because the way I talk apparently is all disappointed??!!!

OP posts:

Wnikat · 09/03/2023 09:43

His body, his choice. So he can choose condoms or no sex.

Squamata · 09/03/2023 09:50

OP you need to wake up here, pull out method is not really much protection at all. How would you feel facing an abortion or having another child you don't really want?

If you think his loyalty to you is so low that he'd leave if you required him to wear condoms, I don't think you have much faith in him.

It's not his friends sending him sex videos is it, from the thing with your son I'd imagine he's sending stupid puerile stuff back and forth all the time.

You don't have vasectomy under GA because GA carries risks that have to be justified, so it's only really used for more serious procedures. If he's too scared to have a vasectomy, what does he think abortion or pregnancy and birth would be like for you, all because he doesn't fancy condoms? I don't think anyone should be required to have a vasectomy they don't want, but his behaviour is currently risking you having to have a pregnancy you don't want.

Have some more respect for yourself OP.

Hont1986 · 09/03/2023 11:12

Pull out method, used perfectly, is about 96% effective. Condoms, used perfectly, are about 98% effective. It's not ideal but really not the huge deal that some posters are making it out to be.

perfectcolourfound · 09/03/2023 11:49

Hi @Strawberrylatte you said

I feel like if he is to use condoms with me will it not be as good will he lose the interest in our sex as it’s not good enough

This is really worrying. You obviously aren't confident in your relationship and you don't trust him. With good reason, based on his track record and the fact he talks about looking at 'boobies' when he's at the beach with his family. (Is he 12?). You feel you have to 'fight' or tie yourself in knots to keep his interest. That isn't how a relationship should be.

You also said you don't for certain he won't cheat or leave you as 'you know what men are like'. I know that most men aren't like that. You are with an unreliable, lying, feckless one.

Honestly, I'd forget about the contracteption issue and focus on the 'why am I with this man?' question

In the meantime, I beg you not to have unprotected sex (which the pull out 'method' is). You know you don't want another child, and it's crazy to risk that, especially with someone who you know you can't rely on.

And regarding him saying he will now have a vasectomy - he is a grown man who should take responsbililty for doing his own research and sorting it out. Turning it around - how much time did he spend doing research and booking appointments for you when you were pregnant? I'm guessing very little if none. It isn't your job to organise his vasectomy. It isn't something you're doing to him. It's his choice and his job to sort it out.

Naunet · 09/03/2023 12:28

Hont1986 · 09/03/2023 11:12

Pull out method, used perfectly, is about 96% effective. Condoms, used perfectly, are about 98% effective. It's not ideal but really not the huge deal that some posters are making it out to be.

No, it’s more like 80%, and does this sound like a man who would prioritise doing it perfectly over his own pleasure?

Throwncrumbs · 09/03/2023 12:36

Kids by 3 different women…does he pay for them? Or is it the tax payer? He sounds awful, and I cannot understand how you even decided to be with him let alone have a baby with him. I agree with another poster, he’s keeping his options open for future relationships (plural) as he’s not a keeper !

Sunshineandflipflops · 09/03/2023 14:16

My ex husband had a vasectomy after our second chid as we both agreed we were done. It was over quickly, a bit of discomfort but nothing compared to the placental abruption and emergency c-section with our first and induced birth with our second so I'm afraid "but what if it hurts" would have received no sympathy from me. He then went on to have an affair anyway but I was at least safe in the knowledge that he and his younger model wouldn't be making any surprise announcements.

My dp has said he will have it done as we both have children and do not want any more (and are getting a bit too old now anyway, although still technically possible for accidents to happen). He is also dragging his feet and I have done my time with coils and pills so we use condoms. They are not great but he knows the other option and that's up to him.

Hont1986 · 09/03/2023 14:20

No, it’s more like 80%, and does this sound like a man who would prioritise doing it perfectly over his own pleasure?

No, the 80% effectiveness (82% to be exact) is when withdrawal is practiced imperfectly, i.e. typically. When condoms are used imperfectly, the effectiveness is 83%. People generally don't know this, that was my only point.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 09/03/2023 19:05

JorisBonson · 09/03/2023 09:30

I can't believe you're still with this absolute bellend.

this.

ninjasnap · 10/03/2023 00:40

Wow. I despair for the future of humanity with posts like this.

Neither of you should be having children. There's plenty of ways to prevent that happening. Please avail yourselves of them.

Original poster

Strawberrylatte · 10/03/2023 10:31

@ninjasnap

Why should this post make you feel I should have no children ? My children are well looked after happy children who do well in school and I adore them and feel I’m a great mother to them ? I would not have an abortion if I fell pregnant again even if it’s not what I wanted it wouldn’t change my feelings towards my child.. while not protecting myself from pregnancy but this post is to see others view on having a partner who had said having this done would be no problem until after you had the baby now it’s a problem and I’m to feel I’m being mean or forcing him.
I feel you saying I shouldn’t have children altogether is a bit harsh be kind. My children are my life.

OP posts:

ninjasnap · 10/03/2023 10:56

I would not have an abortion if I fell pregnant again even if it’s not what I wanted it wouldn’t change my feelings towards my child.. while not protecting myself from pregnancy but this post is to see others view on having a partner who had said having this done would be no problem until after you had the baby now it’s a problem and I’m to feel I’m being mean or forcing him.

What does this even mean?? Genuinely, I can't work out what you are trying to say here.

And your children might be "your life" but you are putting this wanker front and centre of it, and his feelings above theirs.

It doesn't sound like a relationship you should be bringing any more children into, to be honest. Your kids deserve a stable, happy home life without all this drama.

Original poster

Strawberrylatte · 10/03/2023 14:07

@ninjasnap How did I put his feelings above theirs ?

OP posts:

Sunflowergirl1 · 11/03/2023 05:30

My DH refused, simply because a friend and also a colleague both had problems with weeks off work. Talk infection, massive swelling and pain. Most likely unlucky but he wouldn't risk it. The difference is that he never promised me he would and I understand.

The difference is it sounds more like he deceived you, rather than changing his mind. However it is his body

Mom2K · 11/03/2023 14:41

I'd be livid. You didn't want to have another child and put your body through all that it entails, but he pushed it. Your one condition for putting yourself through the sacrifice of having another child was that he actually does something too - a vasectomy, which is practically NOTHING compared to what a woman goes through to produce a child.

You had the baby, and now he won't have the vasectomy. If he didn't want to he shouldn't have lied about it and it doesn't matter if he was at first ok with the idea but has now changed his mind, it's not like you can change your mind about the baby can you? But I don't believe he changed his mind, I believe he lied.

I don't have any advice on this but he's manipulative and selfish.

Mom2K · 11/03/2023 14:45

Also please take yourself off of contraceptives if they are causingyou any discomfortor problems (unless you want to stay on them for extra protection) and stop using the pull out method. Make him wear a condom or no sex.

Pulling out is not a method, you can still get pregnant.

OutofControl3 · 23/03/2023 14:40

I'm currently going through the same situation, I have had 4 children now. Not easy births always an ordeal. I have asked my partner to know get a vasectomy. Iv really gone off him and won't go near him as I find his behaviour selfish. Can't be on pills forever.

Alishaattic · 23/03/2023 14:47

I have read all of you replies and you're just making excuses, particularly for condom use.

BOTH of you need to be responsible here, and condoms is your best bet.

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