What are the chances I imagined this and what would you do..?

[SpottyDress]

I've been with my boyfriend coming up for a year. He's late 50s and I'm mid 40s. We've known each other for a few years and we play in a band together.

We're both invested in the relationship. I don't have any doubts about that. We don't live together but he's shown that he is committed to me from day one really. I've glfeltnreaply safe and secure throughout in a way I never have done before.

And then last night...

We were sitting on the sofa watching TV and his phone went off. We were sitting really close together and, when he opened WhatsApp to read the message, I just glanced over and saw the list. I wasn't looking for anything, I've never had any reason to doubt him. The names on the list are always ones I recognise, he's not secretive with his phone - I know the pass code had have never felt cause or reason to look at it. I'm not sure I could tbh.

Anyway, the name about fourth down was one I didn't recognise which caught my eye. It was a 'young' woman's name. Think something like 'Bethany'. Underneath, I caught the first (only?) word of the message 'Beautiful'.

I didn't say anything and our evening continued. We both left the room at various points and, later, when he picked up another message again, it had gone.

I've started to doubt myself since - did I imagine it? How would I even bring it up? If the 'Beautiful' comment had been under a name I recognised, tbh, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

It's more that it's a younger woman's name and that I didn't recognise it. I know all his friends, he's very open about things so you can see why I think this is 'odd'.

What are the chances I imagined it (I read the name 3 or 4 times so I don't think I did)? What are the chances it's innocent?

If it was any other boyfriend, I'd have ended the relationship at this stage. I wouldn't even have had a conversation about it. I know that with no message, I can't prove it was there. He can't prove it was innocent because it no longer exists and I'd have said that to anyone else. But because of the impact on the band if we split up (I'd leave), I feel I need to he more certain.

I keep asking myself that but even if I'd misread the name, the beautiful comment was clear and the message definitely disappeared. Why would that have happened if it had been innocent?

I couldn't. I couldn't see him every week for practice and gigs. I couldn't be around him.

We're playing at a couple of festivals over the summer plus others which would mean weekends away. I couldn't do that.

I keep asking myself that but even if I'd misread the name, the beautiful comment was clear and the message definitely disappeared. Why would that have happened if it had been innocent?

This crossed my mind but surely then he'd have said he sent/received a message saying 'beautiful' but it was from Bertie rather Bethany. What are the chances of you having both the name and content wrong

He hasn't made any effort to convince or reassure me. He's just said there's nothing else he can say and left it.

It just doesn't make any sense.

If you'd seen how he was with me, you wouldn't have thought it possible.

I'm just so sad.

Yeah that's exactly what I thought too.

The fact the message no longer exists pretty much says it all.

So he's accepted its over as simply as that? Not sure that's a normal reaction to a genuine misunderstanding.

I'd expect one of 2 reactions: anger at the lack of trust and the accusations; or, shock at the accusation and trying to convince you why you picked it up wrong

I see what you mean, I’m so sorry. Be sure to take your time to process it all, you don’t have to make any sudden moves if you don’t feel like it, there are no hard and fast rules here (imho).

He goes out of his way to make me happy.

It's so hard believing that he could have done anything against me.

But I can't ignore what I saw.

Not sure that's a normal reaction to a genuine misunderstanding.

Exactly this. Not being emotional in one way or another is very strange. It's like those documentaries where the suspect is being interviewed and they show no emotion other than to say 'where's your evidence?'.

Thank you.

Yes, I do need time to process it.

We'd discussed moving in together in the days before this. Not yet, my 15 yo daughter still lives at home but even my children had been asking when it's going to happen.

I've been single for most of the 10 years since I split up from their dad because I wanted to concentrate on them. Their dad is in a relationship. None of their friends' parents are single and I know they both really wanted me to meet someone and settle down. They really like him

I can't even cry. I'm just numb.

I'm in another band too. I went out to practice this evening and was laughing and joking.

It feels like it's happening to someone else at the moment.

Im on the fence tbh. It doesnt seem enough to end a good relationship, but I agree his reaction does seem weird.

How long ago did you ask him about it and how have things been left?

He's just sent me a message saying he loves me and he'd never do anything to hurt me.

I want to believe him so badly. It would be so easy to just pretend it hadn't happened. But it has.

@SpottyDress that seems a rather delayed response!

I know what you mean, of course you want to believe and have this all go away. But you know what you saw. If only he had a proper explanation other than 'you're mistaken'. The deletion of the message is the bit that would get to me.

you must be so torn! Have there been any other red flags at all that you can think of?

Hi OP

I'm so sorry you're going through this

I'm not very techy myself but maybe someone else will be able to come along and help a bit more with how it works, but I thought that if you choose to back up your messages on WhatsApp you can then retrieve deleted messages. This might be a way to see if anything was deleted.

Not sure if this is an option you want to look at though. I understand what others are saying, in that if the trust is gone and doubts set in, then sometimes that's all it takes to need to end things rather than waiting until you having concrete proof.

Tbh, I don't really want to make him sit in front of me and look through backed up messages.

I'm just numb still.

I know this probably sounds dramatic for a relationship of just a year but everything else is just perfect.

I've been around the block enough times to know it needs to end. Because I'll never trust him now as much as anything. I've never had a good relationship. This was perfect in every conceivable way except for this.

Are you going to be more happy in or out of this relationship?

At this moment on time, I can't tell.

I'd be heartbroken to lose him and be without him. But I also know I'd be OK. I've always been OK.

But I don't want to be 'OK'. I want to be happy. And he has made me so happy.

But how will I he happy with the doubt?

But just suppose you misread or even if he had a text from someone saying the music tonight was beautiful, is that enough evidence to end a relationship when you really don't want to do so.
You can choose to do whatever you want without trying to justify your actions. However, it sounds a bit as if you are determined to follow through even though it's not what you actually want.
Can you allow yourself a month and continue to watch for anything else that bothers you? He may have has an unsolicited text and knows how you will react so is denying it. Or you may have misread it and you have jumped to the wrong conclusion. It's so easy to do.
If he is perfect don't do something you may regret

Also, I get requests from charities and from Change.org and from the Conversation and they always start with the senders name. I suppose you are more likely to read them if you think it is someone you know.

The complete denial when he would have had to go to the effort to delete is crazy.

Had it have been innocent he would have found some way to get this fact across to you. He would have asked whomever sent the text, to call you or message you to sort it.

So many times MNers state on here that their DP or DH is the last one they ever thought would play around and yet they did. They seem to see it as a right and that they 'deserve' and outlet now and again and then get all mystified when they get caught.

You are right to go with your gut feeling though. To thine own self be true and all that.

But would you also deny they had ever existed?

No but if it is from a charity or faux friend, I delete as I go and don't bother to read. I get them daily from Change and The Conversation and I frequently delete without reading

No but if it is from a charity or faux friend, I delete as I go and don't bother to read. I get them daily from Change and The Conversation and I frequently delete without reading

I am not trying to change your mind, OP. You must do what you want. It's just that you sound reluctant to do it because you are so happy with him.