What are the chances I imagined this and what would you do..?

[SpottyDress]

I've been with my boyfriend coming up for a year. He's late 50s and I'm mid 40s. We've known each other for a few years and we play in a band together.

We're both invested in the relationship. I don't have any doubts about that. We don't live together but he's shown that he is committed to me from day one really. I've glfeltnreaply safe and secure throughout in a way I never have done before.

And then last night...

We were sitting on the sofa watching TV and his phone went off. We were sitting really close together and, when he opened WhatsApp to read the message, I just glanced over and saw the list. I wasn't looking for anything, I've never had any reason to doubt him. The names on the list are always ones I recognise, he's not secretive with his phone - I know the pass code had have never felt cause or reason to look at it. I'm not sure I could tbh.

Anyway, the name about fourth down was one I didn't recognise which caught my eye. It was a 'young' woman's name. Think something like 'Bethany'. Underneath, I caught the first (only?) word of the message 'Beautiful'.

I didn't say anything and our evening continued. We both left the room at various points and, later, when he picked up another message again, it had gone.

I've started to doubt myself since - did I imagine it? How would I even bring it up? If the 'Beautiful' comment had been under a name I recognised, tbh, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

It's more that it's a younger woman's name and that I didn't recognise it. I know all his friends, he's very open about things so you can see why I think this is 'odd'.

What are the chances I imagined it (I read the name 3 or 4 times so I don't think I did)? What are the chances it's innocent?

If it was any other boyfriend, I'd have ended the relationship at this stage. I wouldn't even have had a conversation about it. I know that with no message, I can't prove it was there. He can't prove it was innocent because it no longer exists and I'd have said that to anyone else. But because of the impact on the band if we split up (I'd leave), I feel I need to he more certain.

Op ask him to hand his phone over and leave it with you for a couple of days, no advance warning, when you're face to face and watch his reaction. I'd do this in a couple of weeks time when he's had time to relax a bit. You won't need to actually take the phone, his reaction will tell you all

I don't believe you were mistaken, but I do wonder if he deleted it incase you misconstrued something. I'm not sure I'd be able to get past not knowing what it was but I also don't know if I'd end a really good relationship over this, it would depend whether I felt I could let go of the 'what ifs'

Oh OP I think
This sounds odd.
Hope your talk goes ok xx

I just feel really sad about the whole thing.

But he doesn't get daily WhatsApp messages from change or other organisations. And he'd wonder how they got his number if they did. He only really contacts the same few people. We know most of each others friends. If he hears from someone he's not heard from in a while, he tells me. We're really close...

Tbh, that's the only reason it stood out to me that there was a strange name he hadn't mentioned. I know his female friends. The ones I haven't met, he talks about or has at least mentioned. Messages from any of them wouldn't even have registered - even if he'd told them they looked beautiful. And if it had been one of these friends he hadn't mentioned, when I asked, he'd have had an answer wouldn't he?

It's just everything around this that feels dodgy.

I am (was) happy but if he's done something dodgy and crossed boundaries, it doesn't matter how perfect everything else is.

I've said I'm not going to band practice this week. I need time to think and reflect.

I don't believe you were mistaken, but I do wonder if he deleted it incase you misconstrued something.

What would there be to misconstrue if it was innocent?

If that is what he's done, then it's spectacularly backfired hasn't it?

I really think you should give it a few weeks before you blow up this relationship that’s made you so happy. Just take a bit of time, be sure you’re not reacting out of having been cheated on before. It IS possible you were mistaken.

It’s also entirely possible you weren’t, but please let your feelings settle for a week or two before doing anything drastic.

I'm not going to ask him for his phone. His reaction would be WTF?? as would mine if someone asked it of me.

I could get past the 'what's ifs..?' of that message but not the anxiety that would come every time his phone pinged or everytime I'd seen he'd been online when I messaged him in future.

Nor the doubt that would be there.

I felt completely safe and secure with him but clearly there is another side that I was unaware of.

OP fwiw i think your current thought process is the right one. Regardless of how happy you were, that has now been tainted with the flat denial and the insinuation that you're getting confused.

you said upthread that a convoluted explanation would make things harder for you, but the reaction that he did end up giving would make it more clear cut.

I had a relationship end in very similar circumstances. Also together about a year and i was the happiest i had ever been. But he had a female friend that he was a little too close to, and despite him saying he would tone it down and not send the lovey messages I had seen (his own suggestion not mine), he simply saved her number under a different name and continued.

When I discovered it I decided to wait until I saw him and ask him outright. If he lied to my face, it was over. He looked me straight in the eye and lied, and I left him.

I wasn't prepared to live in a state of constant doubt and worry, and the "happiness" i had felt, somehow it felt like it had all been a smokescreen, an illusion. He had put on an act and our relationship wasn't what I thought it was.

Years later he told me that this "friend" had done the same thing to other male friends and wrecked their relationships, strangely only becoming extra affectionate when they got girlfriends. He fell for it, the damage was done, and I moved on.

The bottom line is he lied to your face and despite the loss you will feel, it's pretty clear cut to me, Im so sorry.

30 years ago I kicked my then boyfriend out of our home in similar circs. I had caught him out and the explanation he gave was a lie. That was it - i made sure that he was gone within hours.
I’m not saying that it was the wrong choice to make at the time, and I can’t imagine what may have happened if I had been less forthright, maybe my self esteem might have taken a big hit, I don’t know. But if I could turn back the clock I do think I would have been less hasty. There was so much good in the relationship that I wonder if it would have been ok to at least have taken the time to sit down and explore if it could have been fixed. That would probably mean a complete ‘cards in the table’ thing starting with “I know you are lying, and it is the lying and the deceit that is sending this all crashing, and not the message and background to it, so I need you to know what you are throwing away, and you need to decide if you are happier letting it all die, or are ready to admit your lies and discuss the issues properly?” Something like that, anyway.

Op ask him to hand his phone over and leave it with you for a couple of days, no advance warning, when you're face to face and watch his reaction. I'd do this in a couple of weeks time when he's had time to relax a bit. You won't need to actually take the phone, his reaction will tell you all

I don't believe you were mistaken, but I do wonder if he deleted it incase you misconstrued something. I'm not sure I'd be able to get past not knowing what it was but I also don't know if I'd end a really good relationship over this, it would depend whether I felt I could let go of the 'what ifs'

Sorry my phone was completely frozen and it kept saying the message hadn't sent hence it going twice now!

OK it was just a thought as mine would also be WTF, but, if my relationship depended on it and I knew I was innocent I'd reluctantly agree and hand it over.

I've stayed in a relationship in similar circumstances in the past, the doubt remained but the little things he did to try and retrieve the messages made me able to believe (for the most part) that what was deleted was innocent. For instance he messaged facebook support and asked them to tretrieve the messages but didn't make a show of it, he didn't tell me even, I found it when going through things later. He also left me with his phone after I'd said I can reverse look up and retrieve conversations (I was blagging it by then in desperation) he just handed me his phone and said go for it. I think there are ways he can regain your trust this time but equally, if you can't get past it, then you're absolutely doing the right thing, living in fear of the past or future is no way to live

Sometimes people do silly things. I make silly errors of judgement all the time. Everyone does something foolish occasionally. There are many reasons to give up instantly on someone, animal cruelty, unkindness to your children, deliberate nasty behaviour to someone vulnerable.
You know what are deal breakers for you. You are free to end a relationship for any reason you choose. Just don't do anything you will regret a few years down the line.

This is good advice!

Yeah do this and see if he will attempt to repair the damage. If he won't then you have your answer sadly. Sorry you're going through this, hopefully he can fix it.

I'm also on the fence about this. It seems a shame to throw away the relationship when you don't have anything concrete?

I think not having anything concrete is part of the problem though. Living with doubt can be a real self esteem killer.

The thread title itself is a giveaway of that. OP is asking if she can believe her own eyes. And when she asked her partner is she could, he effectively said no it is in your head.

I think not having anything concrete is part of the problem though. Living with doubt can be a real self esteem killer.

Totally agree. I think I'd bide my time if I were the OP. Keep your eyes open but don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

I agree it might be worth trying to salvage but I'd only be willing to do this if he was completely honest.

I'd give him one final opportunity to explain the situation or I'd leave. If he knows his outright denial will result in him losing you then maybe he'll realise it might be worth being honest and having a chance to work through it

Hmmm I was in a similar situation with
My ex- but my daughter had seen a message from someone definitely a woman as it had kisses - when I asked who was "holly" he denied it so I asked to get his phone and by the time he'd got it he'd deleted the whole chat. Denied any wrong doing and was quite blasé about it but to me the damage had been done. There were other red flags and this was the final straw- the trust had gone and I was questioning every little thing I became quite ill with my mental health. I ended it and felt so relieved. I'll never know the truth but to me I needed to trust my gut instinct

Hmmm I was in a similar situation with
My ex- but my daughter had seen a message from someone definitely a woman as it had kisses - when I asked who was "holly" he denied it so I asked to get his phone and by the time he'd got it he'd deleted the whole chat. Denied any wrong doing and was quite blasé about it but to me the damage had been done. There were other red flags and this was the final straw- the trust had gone and I was questioning every little thing I became quite ill with my mental health. I ended it and felt so relieved. I'll never know the truth but to me I needed to trust my gut instinct

I’ve saw a message briefly on my OHs phone - was absolutely convinced it was another woman! At the time there was a woman I was a bit worried about on his social media. Paranoid for a whole day, then his phone flashed up and it was actually a bloke, just at first glance his name could have been this woman’s name.

OH deletes all his messages all the time - because of his OCD he doesn’t like having old messages in his inbox. Only keeps the messages from me.

So I could also have very much had the same issue as you - had it not been that the guy had messaged again at a time my OH wasn’t next to his phone, I too would have been convinced it was another woman

Just giving you another potential view….

I had similar. I stayed with dh, but in the early months, probably years tbh, the message ping on his phone literally made me feel sick. Now 10 years on I still don’t fully trust him. We’re happy, always together (both anti social beasts), so he can’t be playing away, but for couples who have their own circles/friends/nights out etc then staying together just wouldn’t work ime.

You can only do what feels right for you. No one can help or tell you, it has to be what you are able to live with.

OP I have not read the whole thread but I am about your age and I have been badly cheated on by an ex husband so I can understand your feelings on this.
Personally i have not got into another relationship for exactly this reason.
However the one thing that jumped out at me from your first post is that he is late 50s, you are mid 40s and you have been seeing each other for at least a year and known each other longer than that.

Does he know your romantic background and what has previously happened to you? If you have not told him why not? Is there any reason why the conversation "I have been hurt in the past in the following ways X, Y, Z and so when I saw the name "Bethany" flash up momentarily on your phone I felt very insecure - please tell me who Bethany is?"
OK granted, the above is not going to guarantee you a quick certain answer as he can just lie, but ultimately if you say this and then it turns out he lied to your face then when you do get proof (and the truth will always out) he can never say you did not give him a chance?

Thank you for this. I've messaged him suggesting we meet and talk. But not until Thursday. I need some time.

Hey op, sending you a massive virtual hug, what an awful situation for you.

I thought it was odd that he mentioned the young woman he met and talked to in the bar. It came across as 'mentionitus' which people do when they are excited by something but can't tell you exactly what (because it would reveal their inner feelings).

You saw the name and I think you need to box a bit clever now before giving into devastation and ending it.

Ask him to talk again - say 'do you know anyone called Bethany?'. Say you remembered him saying he had met a young woman and you wondered if it was perhaps her?

Then say that you wouldn't mind if they had swapped numbers because they had got along but that it's the secrecy that bothers you. And that you understand him not mentioning it when you asked because you put him on the spot.

Then watch him, his face, his movements and listen to his words. Don't prompt, leave a weighty big silence in the air and plaster on an encouraging expression.

If he is attracted to her, he might be so relieved that you have offered up a 'harmless' reason for the text that he'll give you more info.

Good luck.

Hey op, sending you a massive virtual hug, what an awful situation for you.

I thought it was odd that he mentioned the young woman he met and talked to in the bar. It came across as 'mentionitus' which people do when they are excited by something but can't tell you exactly what (because it would reveal their inner feelings).

You saw the name and I think you need to box a bit clever now before giving into devastation and ending it.

Ask him to talk again - say 'do you know anyone called Bethany?'. Say you remembered him saying he had met a young woman and you wondered if it was perhaps her?

Then say that you wouldn't mind if they had swapped numbers because they had got along but that it's the secrecy that bothers you. And that you understand him not mentioning it when you asked because you put him on the spot.

Then watch him, his face, his movements and listen to his words. Don't prompt, leave a weighty big silence in the air and plaster on an encouraging expression.

If he is attracted to her, he might be so relieved that you have offered up a 'harmless' reason for the text that he'll give you more info.

Good luck.