What are the chances I imagined this and what would you do..?

[SpottyDress]

I've been with my boyfriend coming up for a year. He's late 50s and I'm mid 40s. We've known each other for a few years and we play in a band together.

We're both invested in the relationship. I don't have any doubts about that. We don't live together but he's shown that he is committed to me from day one really. I've glfeltnreaply safe and secure throughout in a way I never have done before.

And then last night...

We were sitting on the sofa watching TV and his phone went off. We were sitting really close together and, when he opened WhatsApp to read the message, I just glanced over and saw the list. I wasn't looking for anything, I've never had any reason to doubt him. The names on the list are always ones I recognise, he's not secretive with his phone - I know the pass code had have never felt cause or reason to look at it. I'm not sure I could tbh.

Anyway, the name about fourth down was one I didn't recognise which caught my eye. It was a 'young' woman's name. Think something like 'Bethany'. Underneath, I caught the first (only?) word of the message 'Beautiful'.

I didn't say anything and our evening continued. We both left the room at various points and, later, when he picked up another message again, it had gone.

I've started to doubt myself since - did I imagine it? How would I even bring it up? If the 'Beautiful' comment had been under a name I recognised, tbh, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

It's more that it's a younger woman's name and that I didn't recognise it. I know all his friends, he's very open about things so you can see why I think this is 'odd'.

What are the chances I imagined it (I read the name 3 or 4 times so I don't think I did)? What are the chances it's innocent?

If it was any other boyfriend, I'd have ended the relationship at this stage. I wouldn't even have had a conversation about it. I know that with no message, I can't prove it was there. He can't prove it was innocent because it no longer exists and I'd have said that to anyone else. But because of the impact on the band if we split up (I'd leave), I feel I need to he more certain.

I agree. Anyone who sat me down and told me to show them their phone would get a resounding no.

Ask about Bethany but demanding to see his phone and call history based on one message (which said nothing really) is way out of line.

I say this as someone who has nothing to hide.

OP has her partner’s passcode anyway. I would suggest that if he had anything to hide he would have changed that.

OP hasn't come back. Can't be good news then...?

Mountain and molehill. This is someone you love- ask him FGS.

Or he's given her a fair and valid explanation and they're fine?

Then your relationship would already be mortally wounded, because one of you had just unfoundedly accused the other of lying & gaslighting, & on that trumped up charge, justified a nice little piece of coercive control.
Coolly & calmly, mind.

Frankly, I think this relationship is doomed.
If I was sitting close enough to my DH and he had his messages large enough that I could read them, I would say "who's Bethany?" out of curiosity, when the message came up. Because it wouldn't occur to me that it was anything but spam, or someone he knew casually, or someone he's never referred to by name but as mentioned as someone that was part of a group.

The fact that OP didn't, has stewed on it over night, posted on MN, imagined the worse and even stated this would have meant automatic dumping in previous relationships, suggests that she has an extreme level of distrust. Even if DP has an entirely plausible explanation for the message, she will be forever be suspicious. I really think (regardless of the explanation and whether there is anything else going on or isn't) she needs to consider this and how it might impact future relationships.

(Also I have loads of WhatsApp messages from groups where I don't have the sender as a contact where I can see the person's name).

Instead of talking to the man she loves, you reckon she should conduct an (illegal!) search of his phone, & then go social media stalking ..?

Not exactly a a healthy relationship model ... if the sexes were reversed & the man had done this, PP would be calling for a Clare's Law request.

Hopefully OP comes back and updates.

How would she know? She presumably isn't glued to him 24/7, they don't even live together. For all she knows he has regular phone-admin sessions on a boring wet Tuesday & deletes stuff to keep his phone tidy, or whatever the tech term might be.

Or he's guilty AF, but nobody knows that either, & OP's not going to feel any better until she has TALKED to her guy. Meantime, she's blowing everything up to maximum proportions - only natural when there is a fear of the unknown looming ahead. She needs to bite the bullet, forget all the tricksy little manoeuvres the more dramatic PP are recommending, & simply ask him who Bethany is.

That can open into a conversation about her feeling a little insecure & asking for reassurance. B/f is far more likely to be forthcoming & communicative if she lays off the accusations, stalking, phone-snooping, guilt-tripping & manipulations suggested by some, & she will be able to read him & react accordingly.

Communication is a more productive option than irrational jealously, which never ends well. respectful communication strengthens bonds. Accusation & possessiveness only make people defensive & shut-down.

I got a spam message on WhatsApp and it came up with her name

on of those ooh sexy porn type women. Her name was Jackie. I deleted it because good god. Why would I keep it?!? And it does all that look at my photos. I’m beautiful!

could be that type of thing.

if you look at his phone. Then why would he open an app that he’s conducting an affair. If he was truly talking to a woman behind your back there is no way he’d open the app with you right there resting on his shoulder. Unless he’s really stupid?!?

I wonder if we will get an update here ….

I'll post this because i always cross post with the OP when i do:

Oh where is the OP !? ........

Ah - it didn't work.

Well - in case you come back - i feel for you OP. I wouldn't be able to let this lie either.

I do hope the explanation was non-ambiguous and totally innocent x

I’d been married for 26 years when I accidentally noticed part of a message on his phone. I did ask him about it and he gave me a ridiculous explanation. The day after he told me that he didn’t love me anymore and I asked him if there was another woman, he said no. The following day when he was out he rang me from the other woman’s house and said that he’d been seeing her for 8 months. We are now divorced, but I’ve since remarried and I’m very happy.
The reason I’ve told this is that if you ask him about it you need to be prepared for an answer that you may not expect or want.

It was something, so OP has ended it, and is now dealing with the painful aftermath outwith the harsh glare of Mumsnet.

It was nothing, but he has ended it, freaked out by OP's vigilant monitoring of his communications.

It was nothing, and all is well, but our happy couple now live a Faraday cage to ward off Evil Electronic Temptresses. No further updates are possible.

Good luck op, have you asked him yet? X

I’m staggered that it’s considered such a no no to have friends of the opposite sex that so many people immediately assume that Bethany is after the DP.

I’m long term single and have lots of friends, male and female, single and in relationships and I honestly pose no threat to any of them.

Loving option (3): Operation Faraday Cage. 😀

Just go and read his messages. You won't have peace until, even if you asked him.

Deleting the message from WhatsApp doesn't delete it from the notification history (Android). Settings>Notifications>Advanced Settings>Notification history.

I'm staggered at the amount of people who choose not to read the OP's posts and make judgments based on 'facts' that don't exist.

OP hasn't come back. Can't be good news then...?

It always concerns me when you read a thread about a women confronting her partner and then she doesn’t return to the thread.

Hopefully you have asked him OP, and it's all innocent and you believe him.

@INeedNewShoes
I’m staggered that it’s considered such a no no to have friends of the opposite sex that so many people immediately assume that Bethany is after the DP.

mee too. Mumsnet has always been a bit like this but recently is quite ridiculous