What are the chances I imagined this and what would you do..?

[SpottyDress]

I've been with my boyfriend coming up for a year. He's late 50s and I'm mid 40s. We've known each other for a few years and we play in a band together.

We're both invested in the relationship. I don't have any doubts about that. We don't live together but he's shown that he is committed to me from day one really. I've glfeltnreaply safe and secure throughout in a way I never have done before.

And then last night...

We were sitting on the sofa watching TV and his phone went off. We were sitting really close together and, when he opened WhatsApp to read the message, I just glanced over and saw the list. I wasn't looking for anything, I've never had any reason to doubt him. The names on the list are always ones I recognise, he's not secretive with his phone - I know the pass code had have never felt cause or reason to look at it. I'm not sure I could tbh.

Anyway, the name about fourth down was one I didn't recognise which caught my eye. It was a 'young' woman's name. Think something like 'Bethany'. Underneath, I caught the first (only?) word of the message 'Beautiful'.

I didn't say anything and our evening continued. We both left the room at various points and, later, when he picked up another message again, it had gone.

I've started to doubt myself since - did I imagine it? How would I even bring it up? If the 'Beautiful' comment had been under a name I recognised, tbh, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

It's more that it's a younger woman's name and that I didn't recognise it. I know all his friends, he's very open about things so you can see why I think this is 'odd'.

What are the chances I imagined it (I read the name 3 or 4 times so I don't think I did)? What are the chances it's innocent?

If it was any other boyfriend, I'd have ended the relationship at this stage. I wouldn't even have had a conversation about it. I know that with no message, I can't prove it was there. He can't prove it was innocent because it no longer exists and I'd have said that to anyone else. But because of the impact on the band if we split up (I'd leave), I feel I need to he more certain.

He does know my history. Relationship and lifewise. That's probably what hurts the most.

I've never felt like this about anyone before. Even when I married, I didn't feel like this about my husband. I knew that was a mistake the whole time. I've never felt as loved as I have done by him. The time we've spent together has been the happiest of my life. In every way, its been perfect.

"He does know my history. Relationship and lifewise. That's probably what hurts the most."

Right.
I totally get you and noted about your feelings for him.
I sincerely hope on your behalf he does not turn out to be a dick and it is all a big misunderstanding.
I only suggested the conversation in my above post because, how incredibly amazing would it not be if you could be this vulnerable and straightforward with him and he actually affirmed you, i.e. he was totally open honest and transparent and did everything he could to affirm/reassure you.

If he did that, then yes I would agree that he would be a pretty unique kinda guy.
Hope it works out for you.

Op the fact that saw the txt, he deleted it, then denied it would be enough for me to end it. He has been sneaky, and lied to you. The trust has gone. I hope you make the right decision for you my lovely

I can't believe you are throwing away such a good relationship for what might be a misunderstanding.

Check his bloody phone, you said you were both relaxed, and it would be better to at least have some concrete proof (or not) if you are going to end things. I would check the phone and give him another chance to explain what you saw, and this time tell him you are having serious doubts about trust, he needs to tell you.

I have no qualms about looking at my dh's phone we do it all the time, and vica versa. It is a sign of a solid and comfortable relationship and yet you seem to shrink back from it, despite knowing it is very likely to give you some clarity.

If you really feel you need to end it, then do, but at least do so knowing he might be innocent and it could be avoided. We don't know he texted or messaged anyone. I often have advertising messages come through that have titles like sizzling and they turn out to be flogging BBQs etc.

I would not rush this op unless your instincts are that he is lying, and on some level you are quite sure of it

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s awful. I have been watching the thread since you posted - I was really rooting for his response to be different, but I just wanted to say: trust your instincts on all of it.
I know you’ve had hurtful experiences and, from what you’ve said, in your head you know you will need to end it. But I also hear that incredibly strong pull towards who you thought he was and what you thought the relationship would be, and I know how difficult is to separate those things and believe that the new thing is the real thing iyswim.
i was with someone, and I could have written exactly what you said one year in - I had been hurt before, was a single parent and I had never felt so safe and loved and sure of anything as I was of my new boyfriend and our future.
Three months after he moved in I felt there was a problem of around very similar incident to yours. But by that point I was pregnant, and I could not compute the shock of the difference between what I had thought and what seemed to actually be. He was so good at telling me he loved me etc, and I wanted to believe…
Long story short: I found out that he had been operating multiple other relationships with women on the basis that if he didn’t cross what HE perceived to be the line (sex) then he wasn’t crossing any lines. Some of these people were rarely mentioned “friends”, some I had never heard of. Because I didn’t even know what was going on my boundaries were being violated secretly, it was a massive betrayal.
When we first got together, everyone around me really liked him, no-one would have guessed he was capable of this type of behaviour. It has taken a long time for me to sort through and change things and now I’m a single parent again with an additional child to care for.
I wish I’d trusted my instincts the very first time I thought something wasn’t right and told him to leave. I wouldn’t have “known” that I was definitely into something. But I would have saved myself and my kids years of heartbreak while I figured it out.
As hard as it is now, you know you’re right and you don’t need any evidence, or to beat your head against a brick wall trying to understand why reality and what he says don’t match.
Just trust your instincts - he just showed you who he is.
“when people show you who they are, believe them the first time” (maya angelou)
💐

Onto something, not into something!

"I can't believe you are throwing away such a good relationship for what might be a misunderstanding."

If you have been deeply hurt / profoundly betrayed in past relationships then none of OP's posts feel unreasonable. And checking the phone is not a slam dunk guaranteed way of finding any evidence that might have been there. People can be incredibly tech savvy when they want to be, especially the type of people who are quickly prone to defensiveness and gaslighting others.

((Big Hugs))

I think you're being very strong being determined to do the 'right' thing, not the 'easy' thing.

IF you're sure of what you saw, stick to your guns!

I understand how much you're hurting though. Many years ago, after a long term relationship ended (badly!!) I met a guy, I met him in a group of 'singles' & the next day we were talking online & he asked if I wanted to go to his place for dinner. When I got there he was online, on the dating website, we had had the singles mingles through. I just thought 🙄🙄🙄 but he was actually telling them he'd met someone he wanted to start seeing & hoped she felt the same! & from that moment on he never once made me feel insecure & made me feel so relaxed & happy. It was so lovely. I'd have been like you, completely side swiped if he'd had hidden anything from me.

(we sadly went our own ways as he had adult children & didn't want to have more kids & I did. I think about him sometimes & wonder how life would have been if I had stayed with him).

take care x

If you have been deeply hurt / profoundly betrayed in past relationships then none of OP's posts feel unreasonable

Op's feelings are of course not unreasonable, but at some point we have to move on and start to trust again. We can't live in a place of suspicion and defensiveness indefinitely, otherwise op is destined not to enjoy healthy relationships ever again. At some point it is good to see that this might be an overreaction. Even worse case and he said beautiful, so what? It doesn't mean he is cheating etc. It seems to me to be a massive overreaction.

The right thing to do is to either find out, or draw a line but be more cautious. She can still stay with him, but perhaps become more alert going forward.
She will have lost nothing by waiting to see. She can take care of herself, and put some solid boundaries in place. This might be a good time to discuss her expectations of him and remind him that any breach of trust would mean the end.

What if he has done nothing wrong and she ruins her chances of being happy? None of us can know at this point, but getting worked up and ending things on a whim is not going to help her.

There are decent people out there that don't hurt or lie to each other, and he might be one of them. We can't read from one word that he is having an affair or planning to!

Swayingpalmtrees it might not be "an affair". The kind of people who keep x number of other people going at the same time unbeknown to their partner are exactly the sort of people who would keep things going by sending one word "beautiful" type text / WA messages.

"This might be a good time to discuss her expectations of him and remind him that any breach of trust would mean the end."

People who are already the type who would lead double lives and have multiple things going on at the same time all unknown to the primary relationship would not give a monkeys about the primary relationship trying to establish their "expectations". They are already doing it, they don't care at that point about what might be your "boundaries".

"We can't live in a place of suspicion and defensiveness indefinitely, otherwise op is destined not to enjoy healthy relationships ever again."

And for that very reason, it is not the responsibility of OP to solve this, it was the responsibililty of OP's partner. He did not, he shut her down. He knew her background, knew of the reasons why she might be insecure and he still did that. And in light of that, even (seems unlikely but lets go with it) if he is indeed innocent, and Bethany is his neighbours pet dog or something, and he is absent minded to the extent he even forgets sending random messages like "Beautiful" - the fact he is not stepping up to actively reassure OP suggests at best he is an insensitive oaf who is not very good at relationships!

I am not sure he 'shut her down' but he seems to think it is a non issue and can't tell her more about something he doesn't remember. Op should have asked him immediately whilst the message was still there, instead she sat on the information and there is no way to know.

Throwing away her relationship is an overreaction probably based on the deep scars of her past that she is applying to the present.

I don't agree either that it is op's dp's job to fix it, if he genuinely doesn't remember, and that is entirely possible, I forget messages once answered too, then how can he possibly fix it?? I delete texts etc all of the time, as I feel overwhelmed with too many. It is not clear how he can make her feel better is it.....

I don't think it's an affair. Could be a flirtation with the woman he met at a bar or some kind of sexting with a random stranger (lots of websites for this type of thing). Or maybe there's an innocent explanation.

Thing is, it is really a thing, I have seen it time and again as I have gone through life, that the type of people who find themselves in relationships with cheaters, are more susceptible to finding themselves again in a relationship with a cheater.

And for this reason I totally get the OP's caution.

Not always of course, and of course you can grow to learn what the red flags are. But the point here is about his willingness or otherwise to reassure her, and it does not sound like he was willing to do that. Even if he is the kind of person to delete his texts routinely / absentmindedly, he should have picked up on the significance of the situation for the OP and asked her about it/voiced that directly to her. Instead he just said something along the lines of "i don't know what you are talking about".

This thread has made me have a closer look at my Whatsapp – and I’ve just seen a couple of unsolicited messages offering cheap sunglasses, “earn extra income during school hours” and 80% off Louis Vuitton handbags.

I can’t explain any of these messages.

I also think when you have been hurt before you are 'looking out' for any clue and question things most people wouldn't bat an eyelid at. It will have tainted your view of people/men and a simple message is suddenly a game changer.

I couldn't explain many of my messages, and wouldn't remember anything that wasn't important. It doesn't automatically mean he is lying.

My dh had a whatapp that came up from gay pride community with a topless man, if I had been suspicious I would be questioning his sexuality and why is he getting messages like this with topless men and rainbows etc etc.

It was actually from a flower company celebrating gay pride week, the same flower company he used to send me flowers last week. I could have hung him out to dry as a closet homosexual without really knowing the context of the message or the background.

I also think when you have been hurt before you are 'looking out' for any clue and question things most people wouldn't bat an eyelid at. It will have tainted your view of people/men and a simple message is suddenly a game changer.

Most definitely. My first husband cheated, I found this out via his phone. As a result of this I am very wary about my new husband's phone. I just can't help it.

"I couldn't explain many of my messages, and wouldn't remember anything that wasn't important. It doesn't automatically mean he is lying."

But surely the point is here, that if OP's partner had enough emotional intelligence about the situation and really wanted to because he is genuine and was sensitive to the situation and cared about her he could have solved it by just persisting in talking to her about it and asking her what was going on.

100% this.

If my partner asked me, I'd be going out my way to clear my name and prove I hadn't done anything. Even if I felt it was over or I was annoyed at being accused, I wouldn't be so laidback allowing someone I cared about to think I had been up to no good

This is such a strange thread to read because we went through exactly the same thing but in February and the roles were reversed.

We were on a night out together and my phone was on the table in the pub, DP saw a Whatsapp thread come through from a 'Steve' and had apparently seen the word 'gorgeous' in the thread when I clicked on it. I closed it.

DP sat on it for a couple of weeks, said he didn't think much about it but he had a drink one Friday night a couple of weeks later and asked me who 'Steve' was and I said I genuinely have no idea what you are talking about, I got my phone out and went back through my Whatsapp's in front of DP and the message thread wasn't there. I couldn't explain because there was no explanation. I would have looked so confused and dismissive myself!

DP seemed to accept it because he trusts me but it bothered me that DP felt unsettled enough to ask. I wracked my brain but I just couldn't explain. Then when I was handing over his birthday present (a ring for DP that was etched with something very specific to us) it dawned on me. 'Steve' was the man from Etsy who had made and etched the ring, and he had whatsapped me to say the ring had been dispatched and sent me a picture of it, I had replied 'Gorgeous, thank you'. 'Steve' messaged back (the Whatsapp I clicked on in the pub) to say 'No worries, hope I can make you something else in the future' and I deleted the thread because DP often uses my phone and I didn't want him to see his present.

Hang fire OP. Just wait and see, something might come out in the wash.

I agree it could be something like this but if your DP had been considering ending things over this would you not have been a bit more proactive in resolving it?

Hang fire OP. Just wait and see, something might come out in the wash.

Definitely.

@Swayingpalmtrees but the OP has said that he's lied about the message! A bit different.