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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this upset you - husband going to the pub after work?

150 replies

Thesunisrisingintheeast · 31/05/2022 20:18

For context, he normally WFH and this brings its own challenges. But today he went to the office which is about an hour and a half away, so he generally doesn’t get in till 7.

Heard nothing from him all day then he rings to say he’s been to the pub.

We have a toddler at home and I’m a bit upset and feeling a bit odd.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 31/05/2022 20:20

Not as a one off, but regularly yes.

carefullycourageous · 31/05/2022 20:21

Not really in itself, but maybe if he doesn't do his share and regularly doesn't tell you what he is doing.

Oysterbabe · 31/05/2022 20:25

That wouldn't bother me. Is there more to this?

orangeisthenewpuce · 31/05/2022 20:26

Why does it bother you so much?

Original poster
Thesunisrisingintheeast · 31/05/2022 20:27

Just not feeling very connected. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not controlling and I wouldn’t have said no, but I got next to no sleep last night and I just thought he’d have come straight home.

OP posts:
BreakerOfBras · 31/05/2022 20:27

Can't say I would mind. Especially if he WFH usually. Nice chance to get out and socialise. I'm guessing you don't get many chances to go out and chill on your own with friends? 😥

Original poster
Thesunisrisingintheeast · 31/05/2022 20:28

orangeisthenewpuce · 31/05/2022 20:26

Why does it bother you so much?

I suppose it would have been nice to have been kept in the loop, just not assumed I’ll do everything at home.

OP posts:
Louise0701 · 31/05/2022 20:28

Not at all. Find it strange it’s upset you unless you have a lot on / struggling at the moment / asked him not to.

Original poster
Thesunisrisingintheeast · 31/05/2022 20:28

To be fair I went out Friday but it was pre arranged, I wouldn’t just go out somewhere and assume DH was OK with having DS for hours without a break.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/05/2022 20:29

How often does this happen?

Original poster
Thesunisrisingintheeast · 31/05/2022 20:31

He does go to the pub maybe every other week so it’s not loads.

I do feel like the default parent though (cliche sorry.) Like last night he was working on something on his laptop for ages. I never get a chance to do that.

OP posts:
LillyLeaf · 31/05/2022 20:31

I wouldn't be annoyed (we also have a toddler) but DP would message me to say he was going to the pub. I would encourage this especially for people that WFH, I think we need a bit of social interaction.

Original poster
Thesunisrisingintheeast · 31/05/2022 20:32

you do, and it’s worried me how infrequently he goes out sometimes, but I do wish he’d told me. I thought that was normal but perhaps I am overreacting.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 31/05/2022 20:32

He took an opportunity to be social i positively encourage my husband to do this

Vianna1 · 31/05/2022 20:32

I’ll be honest. I can’t see the problem here. I would be really annoyed if my husband expected me to outline all of my plans all the time, so I don’t expect him to do it either.
Maybe ask yourself how you’d feel if the roles were reversed?

magaluf1999 · 31/05/2022 20:32

If they spend the other 6 days a week at home with you, I think its borderline a bit mean to expect him to rush home on the one day a week he gets to interact with others.

Im sorry you are having a rubbish day. But i think you have lost a little perspective on this one. I think feeling a loss of connection because of one spontaneous after work drink is unusual. I hope you get some time to do something you enjoy soon.

Vsirbdo · 31/05/2022 20:34

It’s the fact that it wasn’t mentioned and just assumed I’d look after DC that would annoy me.
I often get frustrated with DH that if I want to go out I have to speak to him about it to make sure he’ll be home whereas he won’t think anything of getting his hair cut after work in the assumption I’m at home with the kids

Tee20x · 31/05/2022 20:35

The issue isn't him going to the pub, it's the fact that like you said, you weren't kept in the loop & it's been assumed you're the default parent for the evening with no say.

Surely a quick, "thinking of going down the pub, that alright" would have solved the issue. 99% the person would say yeah no problem, but on the other hand the person could turn around and say actually i have had a really shit day and would appreciate a break.

Also - suppose you had done this, assumed he was coming home & created your own plans - doesn't work esp with a child.

girlmom21 · 31/05/2022 20:37

You don't like him working from home and you don't like him socialising when he's in the office?

I don't think you feeling a bit under the weather makes any difference as he was only half an hour late home when you posted so presumably you'd have been doing bedtime solo anyway.

Bloodyhelldog · 31/05/2022 20:38

I think you probably have to acknowledge that you're feeling a bit fed up, bored and tired from no sleep/toddler day (which is fair enough) rather than your husband having really done anything wrong.

He's just gone to the pub. It's not really a dick move if he's normally a good husband and dad. But it is annoying to think of someone else being happy when you're fed up.

Shedcity · 31/05/2022 20:41

I wouldn’t like this. It wouldn’t be a huge deal or an argument but dp and I will give each other an eta or say if we’re going to a different location to the one expected
i don’t think a ‘I’m going to go the pub after work’ txt is too hard. So I’d be a bit hurt.
more so if I had made dinner or was waiting for him and more so if we’re not v connected or Hes not pulling his weight at home or he’s just taking breaks and I’m not getting any. So I think it’s fair enough, just have a chat about it tomorrow and if he’s reasonable then hopefully it’ll be sorted, and you can get a break soon too
or he’ll realise you need a bit more from him

Original poster
Thesunisrisingintheeast · 31/05/2022 20:50

@Vianna1 , I might be being awkward here but I honestly can’t see myself leaving an exhausted DH with DS all day and swanning off with a friend knowing he’s home and struggling. Apart from anything else he hasn’t seen DS all day.

@magaluf1999 he doesn’t spend the other six days at home with me. He is working and so am I normally, I am on holiday this week.

@Vsirbdo im in a similar position.

@Bloodyhelldog I’m honestly not so petty that I would not want him to be happy or relaxed or anything, I just am starting to feel like he’s checked out of the relationship and our family and this is a further manifestation of this.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/05/2022 20:52

I think you have time raise his lack of supporting you generally, and not linked to this visit to the pub. Because going to the pub once every couple of weeks is totally fine.

Why can't you do stuff like sit on a laptop if you want to? What's stopping you?

Original poster
Thesunisrisingintheeast · 31/05/2022 20:55

because We can’t both be sat on laptops can we … someone has to parent DS

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 31/05/2022 21:00

“@Bloodyhelldog I’m honestly not so petty that I would not want him to be happy or relaxed or anything, I just am starting to feel like he’s checked out of the relationship and our family and this is a further manifestation of this.”

him going to the pub today isn’t the real issue- ⬆️ This is. Tell him what you wrote here x